Polyamorous Philosophy

LoveForMusic

New member
I'm having a hard time coming up with a good way to start this thread so it may be all over the place.

First, an introduction. I'm a married male individual who has a very personal viewpoint on everything. I'm someone who takes in multiple opinions and decides to form my own based on all the logical information I've received. I'm very analytical and think I define the very definition of logic.

That being said, as with almost all subjects, I have a viewpoint/idea of relationships, couples, marriage, etc.

Viewing all logic and variables, I find that it is possible to find another individual who fits into our relationship and our way of life. I think variable wise, there should be another like me whether it be a male, woman, transsexual, etc. Based on that logic alone, and my strong understanding of myself, it simply -would- work. But I do think the likelihood of this happening is almost 0. I find it fun to talk about though.

I don't follow social protocol for the most part. Because all of my viewpoints are mostly objective, I come up with my own opinion of things.

To make it more simple gender wise, I think if it were possible to find another woman that could accept herself into our relationship, the benefits are numerous. I believe the joy I find in a relationship could be multiplied with another partner. I feel the same for my wife but I mostly won't talk about her for the sake of making the conversation more simple.

I'll start a new paragraph to define this even though it fits in the above. Sex is -not- ranked very high in the list of benefits. I'm male, and it's simply true. Period. I enjoy many more things about a relationship than sex. It shows in my sex life as well.

More about my relationship... I've never cheated, nor want to cheat. If the perfect scenario came along, I think it would go something like this:

----
I meet another woman and find that she has the same type of personality that I do. Honest, analytical, opinionated.

For some reason, we happen into a discussion about all of the above content and I get the feeling that she may be along the same lines of thinking.

I learn about her more (probably at work or online... no dating) and find that she also shares a lot of common interests that me and my wife do. The trust I start to feel from this woman makes me share with my wife (I share just about everything anyways).

She is intrigued and scared (would really happen), more things happen that are not as clear, then we all agree to meet.

Everyone is happy, everyone likes each other, and things grow into a committed marriage between the 3 of us.

Now I think it's on to the questions:

I decided to ask a polyamory board, which should have more open minded people inherently, do they believe this scenario is about as impossible to find as I do?

I took tonight to read more personnels for the fun of researching.. And as expected, the agendas of postings are mostly the same. I'm not interested in only finding a sex partner. I'm not committed to polyamory. I would never go to rallies, be a long time poster on this board, talk about it all the time, or generally think about it often... Does anyone here really think a lot of this makes sense? Logically, I'm asking a forum who if anyone posts here, then they are probably some what committed to polyamory. You like talking about it, sharing, and being a part of the community. I like thinking about it, but only because I like thinking about everything... My guess is I would have to find someone with a similar value.

So the other question to the block of text above, is do you know ANYONE with this line of thinking (gender aside)? I would love to find that the chance of this happening is greater than I actually believe. Plus of course, I would love to find anyone on this board that just likes to discuss these kinds of things. Finding an online buddy that chats with me about these things would be a perfect outcome of my effort of posting.

Thanks for reading my post... It's always fun to write my thoughts down even if no one responds.
 

bookbug

New member
Some people are committed to polyamory, others like myself fell into polyamorous situations. I'm very pragmatic; I'm about what works.

That said, your scenario did play out in my life (I am female, btw). Wasn't looking for anyone or anything, less than a year out from the loss of my significant other, and WHAM I meet a guy (I call him the Philosopher) who is totally logical and analytical just like me. Within in three days we knew we were the same. Ahh, the fascination!

Fortunately, or so I thought, I was already tight with his wife, a childhood friend. She and I had been in and out of contact since they had married. He was her 2nd husband and he and I had met only briefly 13 years earlier, shortly after they were married. So yeah, she started out totally on board with us being three, and we went that way quickly.

However, as polyamory is likely to do, it showed the cracks in the foundation of their marriage. They thought they were tight; they thought their problems were typical and minor. Under the addition of the third - me - they were no longer unable to ignore the cracks, and they became an exposed, yawning abyss. It undoubtedly did not help that he and I were so alike. We three did not last, and a year after I left, they separated.

So yes, it can happen. It's rather like being struck by lightning. And while our story did not have a happy ending, it does not mean yours wouldn't. However, I advise that you look closely at your marriage before hoping to find someone exactly like yourself.

That said, the philosopher and I felt we had looked for one another for a lifetime. In spite of that, the dissolution of we three, and their marriage took its toll, and while he and I are in daily electronic contact, other things require attention at the moment. For him, it is his children, post divorce, and for me, it is a new career. And so our affiliation remains mentally / emotionally profound, but our ability to enjoy its full potential is muted. I expect that will change in time.
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Yes, I know people like you.
My ex is much like you. He's not poly. But he's always had open relationships and he's definitely a thinker.

My husband isn't logical in that way or into thinking for no reason-but he's poly only because loving me means accepting poly. He would date someone else, but he could be perfectly happy being mono as well.
AND
he has a log in-but he doesn't frequent the board. It's been a few years since he did-and then-only for a few posts.

My bf is likewise ok with the idea of poly and "if another woman" happened into our lives-he would be cool with that. But he isn't inclined to look and he doesn't frequent poly boards because it's more theoretical (and me) than anything else.
 

bella123456

New member
Out of general interest, when you share your objective personal viewpoints with your beloved wife and life partner... What are her objective personal viewpoints thus far ?
 

bella123456

New member
Something along the line lines of "I won't talk about my wife for the sake of making the philosophical argument simple" ain't never gunna work.
The philosophical argument should be inclusive of her..

The conversation won't ever be simple if you discard a major component of the people involved in the scenario. Or ???
 

LoveForMusic

New member
Thanks for much for the responses!

bookbug:

Thanks for sharing. That is very intriguing to hear and I can understand completely how it could go that way now. I'm confident in myself in the right situation to be able to avoid this, but I do see it being like a rocking boat. Something starts to eat away at our marriage and one of us stats to become unhappy... Then it gets bad enough where someone chooses the best choice instead.

I wouldn't want to love another person without being able to fully love them... I'm a romantic at heart and wouldn't want to make that person disposable at the instant I start to find a unexpected disruption.

I believe the only way this works is if my wife fully loves this other woman. It would have to be a wanted, desired, and natural kind of love.

LovingRadiance:

Thanks for sharing. I personally am not interested in an open relationship. I guess that's what is interesting. I'm interested in a combined love between all parties where we shut the door completely.

bella:

I just don't need to type and share those extra details to get the kind of responses/data that I'm looking for. It would complicate the answer. I'm looking for people who believe that this kind of scenario is actually more likely than I believe it to be... And also fun stories to hear and think about. I've already been able to adjust my likelihood of this happening a little... But as bookbug says, still rather like being struck by lightning.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
Just to be a pedant, one's "viewpoints" are not, by definition, objective. If they were objective, they would be facts, not viewpoints. Viewpoint is another word for opinion, which is, by definition, subjective.

Or did you mean "objectionable?" As in, arousing distaste or opposition; unpleasant or offensive.

I think it's fine to have ideals. Ideal relationships, ideal outcomes. But it's important to remember that ideals rarely align with reality. I try to practice being unattached to my ideals. To want them without feeling disappointment if they don't happen. I'm a firm believer in the notion that you can make yourself happy simply by choosing to be happy with what you have; barring extremes, of course (abject poverty, abusive relationships, tyrannical governments, etc.)
 

AlbertaRaven

New member
However, as polyamory is likely to do, it showed the cracks in the foundation of their marriage. They thought they were tight; they thought their problems were typical and minor. Under the addition of the third - me - they were no longer unable to ignore the cracks, and they became an exposed, yawning abyss. It undoubtedly did not help that he and I were so alike. We three did not last, and a year after I left, they separated.

This happened to me, too. I think my being a part of their lives catalyzed their breakup. That sucked. A closed triad is not "noob poly" and although it's possible (and maybe still my ideal), it's pretty unlikely to be long-lasting for anyone, let alone newbies.

I'm curious to hear what your Myers-Briggs category is? You definitely read like an INTJ, and although they are rare personalities, lots of poly people are INTJs. Lots of people think the way you do, including myself.

To me, monogamy is not rational because of the varied types of love we experience, and because I believe love to be infinite, not limited.

I might suggest that growing your current relationship to the point where she trusts you very much will help her understand your viewpoint on this. People have to grow emotionally by leaps and bounds when they make their forays into poly, and I kind of wish I had been able to grow that much before getting into the practice of it. Does that make sense?
 

JaneQSmythe

Well-known member
I'm curious to hear what your Myers-Briggs category is? You definitely read like an INTJ, and although they are rare personalities, lots of poly people are INTJs. Lots of people think the way you do, including myself.

I'm an INTJ myself and have noticed that we seem to be very vocal on the poly boards. I don't know if that is because poly makes particular "sense" to INTJs or whether the medium itself is particularly attractive to INTJs.

We had a thread about Myers-Briggs somewhere here...

ETA: Here's the big Myers-Briggs thread:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=689&highlight=intj
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
My preferred relationship dynamic would be a closed quad actually. Not an open relationship.

But you see-there are individuals in any relationship and in ours, I am only one of the individuals.

So I brought up poly-and the roof exploded and debris went everywhere.
When things calmed down, the bottom line was-Maca (dh) was agreeable ONLY if it was open-thus allowing him to date others separately.
So-if I want the freedom to have a romantic relationship honestly and openly with GG; then I have to accept that the other side of that coin is allowing Maca what he wants-which is the freedom to have a romantic relationship with someone else of his choosing...

As it stands-FUNCTIONALLY-it's been a closed V for... almost 2 years. Which seems to work pretty well for us. But-that isn't the point.

Additionally; you can't make the other individuals love each other just because you love them. It could happen-or not. It could happen and then it could stop happening etc.
 

Kommander

New member
What the hell does logic have to do with romantic relationships?

I'm saying this as someone who turned to polyamory because it seemed logical. By which I mean, based on my personality, personal values, and wants and needs in a relationship, it makes more sense than alternatives. I do not mean it is the most logical thing for everyone. Anyway, relationships involve a lot of emotion and what should work logically often doesn't happen in reality, so, that thing I said.

I'm curious to hear what your Myers-Briggs category is? You definitely read like an INTJ, and although they are rare personalities, lots of poly people are INTJs. Lots of people think the way you do, including myself.

I usually come up ENFP or ENTP depending on the test. I would think polyamory would appeal more to extraverts than introverts, because more people. However, extraverts are probably more likely to care how others perceive them and want to be liked, and therefore are more likely to act in socially acceptable ways (i.e.: monogamy, or at the least social monogamy, is the only option.) I'm different I guess. I mean, I care about how others perceive me, but not enough to change things for them when I really don't wanna.
 

Kommander

New member
Re (from Kommander):


LOL, I'll have to try that technique.

I think part of my problem is I'm not good at multi-tasking. I'm especially bad at reading/writing while trying to conduct an in-person conversation. If I'm only doing one of the two, then I can handle it. But once my head's in a book or on the computer screen, then I need to get to what *I* think is a good stopping place, before I can put that book/computer down and go have that live conversation with that darned extrovert.
The human brain isn't really designed to multi-task. Unlike every other human activity, one actually becomes worse at multi-tasking the more they practice. I can't read/write and do other things either, although it has more to do with being dyslexic than an inability to multi-task.

I will say that, even as a strong Extravert, I find it rude if I'm engaged in a book and someone decides that's the perfect time to strike up a conversation. Magazine? Might be okay. :)
Typically, if I want to do in-depth reading I'll lock myself in my bedroom and put a note on my door that says "I'm busy, leave me the fuck alone unless it's an emergency" so my room mate knows what the situation is. If I read in public where interruptions are possible it's because I don't have anything else to do.

What type is most friendly to INTJ person? Any ideas?
Determining compatibility with others is really beyond the scope of the test. For example, sometimes I get along great with Js, other times not so much. It really depends on if they're prone to make rash, prejudicial judjements or thoughtful, in-depth judgement, and if they're capible of providing thoughtful, rational explanations for their decisions. The test doesn't take these things into account. It's a basic inventory of how one perceives and interacts with the world, not a comprehensive personality profile. the most important part of the test is really helping one to understand how they go about things, and how others go about them differently.

I suppose my Myers-Briggs designation might be different today than it was when I took the test what, six years ago? People do sometimes change a little here and there as the years roll by.

Any suggestions on which site has the best Myers-Briggs testing mechanism?
It might have changed, it might not. As far as internet test go it's probably a good idea to take a few different ones and compare results. I did the first three or four that appear in Google. I took a pretty good one when I took Industrial/Organizational Psychology, but I don't know if I still have it or where I put it if I do. Also, it's on paper.
 
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SchrodingersCat

Active member
I'm getting confused trying to follow two concurrent threads with the same subject. Since the "Myers Briggs and polyamory" thread goes back further and is dedicated to the subject, and MB is off-topic from "Polyamorous Philosophy," I'm going to make a friendly request that further discussion on MB be had here: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=689
 
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LovingRadiance

Active member
I suppose my Myers-Briggs designation might be different today than it was when I took the test what, six years ago? People do sometimes change a little here and there as the years roll by.

Any suggestions on which site has the best Myers-Briggs testing mechanism?

DUDE I have the updated book, "please understand me II" Wish I was closer, I would loan it to you!

I need to retake it-I know it's changed.
Because I was always very extroverted and in the last few years that has done a 180 degree shift.

Anyway-maybe soon I will have time while I am wasting away in Kodiak. :p
 
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