Polyamorous vs Promiscuous - A Question of Motive

TruckerPete

New member
I'm sorry, I had to chuckle at your description of Miss M at the cons and you comparing yourself to her. If you're going to compare yourself to her, (which you shouldn't, for the reasons others have stated) that really is the worst possible time, don't you think? Hehehe.

My boyfriend asked what I was giggling about, and I said, "Guy is disappointed at how easily his hot female friend picks up at at anime/sci fi cons." His response? "You could take away half those words and her chances would still be like shooting fish in a barrel."

Seriously, though. Ari's spot on. There's nothing wrong with being open AND poly. I have a FWB. Don't talk about him much here because there's nothing to talk about. We have a friendship, and we also sleep together sometimes. It's just a light, easy relationship.

You seem like a witty, intelligent nerd. Sounds great to me; I can't be the only one who thinks so! :)
 

AnnabelMore

New member
Let me just say, as someone who has attended cons and other geeky events for most of her life, they are just about the worst place for guys to try to pick up girls, since they're so heavily male. When I'm at a con I basically just deflect all male attention because my experience is that it comes so fast and furious that it takes far less energy to just completely ignore it. I'm not saying you shouldn't try, just don't be too surprised at your results! You might actually do better with your wife along.

Or try other stuff, like volunteer activities (a lot of women volunteer, especially for environmental causes)... I know you said you're isolated where you're at, so I know that getting out there is easier said than done, but you gotta do itm And remember the cardinal rule for not being creepy... you can't be too focused on whether or not you form the sort of connection (sexual, romantic, whatever) you want with the person you're interacting with! That may sound like a difficult trick in your position, but people can smell over-focus and get quickly wigged out. Good luck!!
 

TruckerPete

New member
When I'm at a con I basically just deflect all male attention because my experience is that it comes so fast and furious that it takes far less energy to just completely ignore it.

Oh this ... I remember attending a LAN party with a couple of hundred people. There were less than ten women there. It was overwhelming.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
Oh this ... I remember attending a LAN party with a couple of hundred people. There were less than ten women there. It was overwhelming.


If you're a guy and you really want to be ignored, try becoming a referee in a women's roller derby league. I'm not being sarcastic at all. Really, I'm not. But the more I say I'm not being sarcastic, the more sarcastic I sound.
 

ClariceK

New member
You seem like a witty, intelligent nerd. Sounds great to me; I can't be the only one who thinks so! :)

I agree!!! I also think the internet thing is very helpful with the flirting because I dont feel soo pressured to say something witty right away. I have also had hubby say "Whats the worst they can say?? That they aren't interested? Then you say well thanks anyway and walk away" but honestly that isn't the worst they can say. They can give that look that many women are pros at that says "Really?? DO you think I would sleep with you?" or even worse, they could say "What are you a freak??" or even so much worse she could say "I would have sex with him but I am not interested in you in any way"!

He is much less analytical about things, he tends to take the thought of "If everyone is/seems happy, and noone is crying, screaming, blowing up, he figures there isn't much to really discuss about the relationship. He sees no reason to find out why he feels a certain way, he feels that way, that is the way it is and not much need to look further, whereas me and Slutty Unicorn sit for hours sometimes and talk about the relationship, it is sometimes like we are little scientists looking at the minutia of our lives and his behavior and seeing what it is that makes him tick.

Today we had a conversation about how she is learning about him from me. I know him better then anyone in the world, but I recognize I don't know everything about him. I just found out today that he doesn't like hot dogs wrapped in croissants when I offered to make them and he said "Honestly I don't really like them, since we decided that honesty is of the utmost importance in this relationship it should apply to everything I would think." I was soo proud of him, he was willing to tell me that something he had previously eaten and hated bothered him. I know this may seem like a small thing but for him, who is always giving me "It's ok, no big deal, it doesn't matter".

SluttyUnicorn (Our GF changed her name from TrustyNatasha to SluttyUnicorn on here for those playing the home game) and DaJoshy (hubby) and I were talking about how she is learning about him from me. She put her hands together and said "Teach me master" and that lead to DJ talking about his schoolgirl fantasy (one I knew about but hadn't really thought of in a long time, but I think because he is having NRE he is more horny (although for a time he hadn't had sex with either of us because of the issues between Slutty Unicorn and I, he very much felt caught in the middle. ) I often asked him to please get rid of her, then the next day I would say "You know, I really do love her and the little girl", so he knew that my meltdowns over stupid little things weren't my true feelings.

He knew that if he sent them away I would be upset and want them back. I always do. Even when they don't particularly like me, because honestly, DaJoshy is much nicer (not that he isn't nice of course) but he is so much more loving toward me when he has other women in his life. It also seems to help having someone else there to say "Now that wasn't fair" or "Be nice" when the often sarcastic and tongue in cheek comments get a little too close ot the bone. I have started to enjoy stepping back and letting them have their relationship. Once again, dont loose hope, it is hard, it is fun, it is great, and it is worth it.
 

AnnabelMore

New member
One other thing I wanted to say. Don't feel guilty for wanting a physical connection! You say you're worried about "what it makes you" to want sex just for sex's sake. Um, human? :) As long as you're being safe, kind, considerate, and attentive to your own feelings and needs as well as those of your partners... what's wrong with a little promiscuity? Similarly, be careful not to be too quick to judge your friend for her hickeys, as long as she's not being careless with herself or others. That's my take on the matter, anyway. For some people sex is purely a love-only thing, for others it's important that they at least feel a friendly bond with a sex partner, and some just need it to be safe, sane and consensual. As has been pointed out earlier in the thread, what makes us poly is that we're open to the idea of love.
 

openbj

New member
Haha!! Just from your description of the community you live in, I already knew what area of the country you where in. Hubby and I moved from North Central KY a few months ago and it was exactly like that!! In fact, your description of the area and distance from larger towns sounds a lot like where we moved from.

Sorry, just wanted to post that. I don't have any advice for you, as we are still new to poly as well.
 

ZeroDrakken

New member
Ok, so I'm looking at OkCupid to see if there's anything or anyone of interest there. Some of you sound like you've got experience with it - any recommendations on how to frame my profile so that I'm not surprising anybody? I see that you can mark yourself married and still mark it that you're looking to meet people, but I don't know how obvious that is to others searching profiles, and I don't want to waste people's time or mislead anybody about myself.
 

redpepper

New member
Tag polyamory in there somewhere... And be straight up about what you identify as. That way you will avoid people who "could be" and attract people that "will be"
 
My profile is married, and since I've marked dating it says I'm available.
My first paragraph talks about my marriage and husband, with a link to his profile, a lot of polyamorous people do this.
To highlight people, activities and interests you do <<polyamory>> <<zombies>> <<myfavoritebandhere>> so people with common interests can find you, and vice versa. If your wife makes a profile you can have my wife is <<username>> in your profile.
95% of my matches end up being under the married/available or single with polyamory in their profile somewhere. Just read some other peoples profiles and get a good idea what they say and share, after you answer some questions and have some good matches.
 
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ZeroDrakken

New member
Yeah, OKCupid seems ok, but my geographic location is definitely causing me issues for anyone even sorta nearby. Also, it requires me making the first move (still), of which I am historically terrible at. Still, the fact that I even have a profile is a leaps-and-bounds improvement over where I normally would be in this situation.

I also threw up a note in this website's "Dating & Friendships" section. So... we'll see.
 
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