Polyamory = Dwarf Dating?

Akito237

New member
Okay, so you clicked the thread title, so I guess I should explain myself. This kind of went through my head when I was reading about polyamory and getting into the lifestyle.

In Terry Pratchet's Discworld series, Dwarves are a race that is typical to your general fantasy genre. But here's the thing: both male and female Dwarves have beards and generally look the same. So Dwarven courtship is described as very carefully, very subtly trying to convince the other Dwarf that you are interested in them and, discreetly, are trying to figure out what gender the other Dwarf is.

That struck me as how Poly dating might work. Unless you show up to a gathering of Poly friendly people, it may be a little embarressing to admit that you are either poly inclined or in a poly relationship (especially in the Bible Belt, where apparently people have Views). So if you are interested in someone, the courtship might be the same: very carefully trying to figure out not only if the other person is romantically inclined to you, but also if they are friendly to the idea of polyamory.

Any thoughts?
 

icesong

Moderator
Staff member
Ha, I love the analogy. And hate the process, which is one of the reasons I've been 1. trying to be more out so other people don't have to wonder and 2. do most of my looking for dates online where I can just lay it out there without worrying about it.

(And yeah, I live in a liberal enclave of the bible belt. Views, indeed, if I get out of town...)
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Thanks for the Terry Pratchet reference!

... So if you are interested in someone, the courtship might be the same: very carefully trying to figure out not only if the other person is romantically inclined to you, but also if they are friendly to the idea of polyamory.

Any thoughts?

Hmmm, I think it depends on how "courtship" or "dating " works for you...

For me, I have never "looked for" someone to date, anyone I might meet would be in my life (circle) already and therefore already know that I am poly (and bi). If I am "interested" in someone, I approach them the same way that I approach anyone else - flirty and interested.

At some point in any social conversation (usually, in the first few minutes) I will end up talking about my life and my husband and my boyfriend. If they say "WHAT?!? You have a husband and a boyfriend?" then we talk about it. If they say "So, are you open to new partners?" - it might just be curiosity or they might be interested...etc. etc.
 

Inyourendo

New member
My marital status has always up front. No sense in misleading anyone. It's dishonest and tends to pissed people off
 

InsaneMystic

New member
Nah. Simply being upfront right from the start that mono/closed/exclusive will not ever be an option, period, is my preferred way to go.

Why waste time on stuff that's not going anywhere? I don't want to waste mine on an incompatible person, or have theirs get wasted on me.
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
I am just honest and up front... much easier that way.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
Unless you show up to a gathering of Poly friendly people, it may be a little embarressing to admit that you are either poly inclined or in a poly relationship

I'm not embarrassed at all to admit that I am poly. I am completely upfront about it and I have no issues with talking about it.
 

MusicalRose

Member
I'm completely out in my life, although I realize that isn't a possibility for everybody. And like someone else already said, I don't go looking for partners, I generally happen to become interested in friends and then see where things go or if they have a mutual interest.
 

nycindie

Active member
I very rarely mention the word polyamory until I know someone a bit, because there are too many misconceptions about it, but I usually say that I am not into exclusivity (if the topic of "what are you looking for" comes up - it doesn't always).

There are a ton of threads here on the topic - just do a tag search for "meeting people" or "poly dating."
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
It seems to work.

When I told my mother, her main concern was about whether or not I should be able to apply the word "harem" to a group of males or whether it was an inherently female-gendered term.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
When I told my mother, her main concern was about whether or not I should be able to apply the word "harem" to a group of males or whether it was an inherently female-gendered term.

Someone on OKC requested to join my "stable of boys" :eek:
 

Emm

Stealth Mod
I think I'd prefer a harem. Less chance of standing in something unpleasant if you don't have time to sweep every day.
 

vanquish

New member
It's funny that the implied tone of some of the responses is "how dare you not do things exactly as I do. It's the only honest way!" LMAO.

Yes, I live in Alabama, heart of the freaking Bible belt. And just coming out with the fact that you are poly isn't possible. At least not at first.

And when you're not the type to just let people come to you (as someone above said they do)...when you really want to be in a relationship even if you have to do something actively about it...trying to determine if someone would be cool with being in a relationship with someone who is poly...can be VERY drawn out and very tenuous.

I like the Dwarf analogy. I think it works.
 

Akito237

New member
I think there is very good points for being open and honest. If you feel comfortable enough to be up front that you're poly, that is a great thing, and I've loved seeing that a lot of people here took that stance. Seriously, you go people! But I've also lurked around and I've seen that other people feel a little more cautious about who the open up to.

I started this thread because right now, I feel like a "dwarf". I live in Texas, and I'm very open about being in a steady relationship, because I'm in love with my best friend. I'm also more on the shy side, so even if I think "Hey, she's kind of fun to be around and she's cute to boot!", I also run through all the things that could go wrong if the feeling isn't reciprocated. This can be terrifying for me even if I was single, but having an interest in a non-standard relationship only adds more to the pile. People can be very, very judgemental, so personally I'd want to be pretty certain that the other person is amenable, if not knowledgeable, about polyamory.

This isn't to say that there is One True Way, 'cause frankly I can't rightly say that there is. Poly seems to mean different things for different people, and that's okay! But for all you other "dwarves" out there, I hear ya! Good luck getting past the beard and the chainmail!
 

LoveBunny

Active member
"Dwarf Dating" --Shit, I'm going through this right now. As a bisexual, married woman whose experience with other women has only ever been with other bisexual women (I have no idea if lesbians go about things in a more direct manner?) I'm all too familiar with the subtle dancing around the issue, the ambiguity, the confusion and the misaligned expectations of dwarf dating.

I find navigating flirtations with men so much easier. I know when a man is flirting with me. I rarely have to give them big hints, because small ones egg them on. With women, the flirtation can be so fucking subtle, from me, and from them. Throw in the part where I'm married to a man, and I suspect half the time other women don't get that I'm flirting at all. I certainly am rarely sure if a woman is flirting with me, and even if she is, does she mean it?

I do not state my interest outright out of fear of rejection and fear of offending. So how can I know if my female crush is doing the same, or they only into me as a friend? I can't just ask. Telling me to "just ask" would be, basically, telling me "Don't be yourself. Don't be the shy, awkward, adorable mess that you are."

Yeah, I get "dwarf dating."
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Perhaps we need some poly bars? :)
 
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