Polyamory, my take

rkay1952

New member
I was reading some of the message post, responses and the requests in this site. It was my understanding, that this is not a site for solicitation nor a site for looking for persons with polyamory interests.

It is also my understanding, that as a concept, polyamory, is about a relationship between two adults and the close family which surrounds those persons, namely the wife or the husband. And also it is not about just sharing the fun but also sharing the burdens that encompass long term relationships.

The point, as I see it, polyamory is not about rights, but about the responsibilities, that surround the rights. And above all protecting secrecies in some sense, which I would call as privacy of not just two individuals but in this case, may be 4 individuals. It is not about just rituals, like the marriage, but about extending the family, to share the grief and the fun of life.

Another matter to remember in mind is, how beautiful, the relationship would be if we could expand the horizon of close relationship from a husband and wife to the wife with two husband and the husband with two wife. And to my mind, such relationship is not, just about sex but about the beauty and joy of closeness. Looked that way, is it not beautiful?
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi rkay, thanks for sharing that, it was a good description of poly.

And you're on the right board for seeking dating and friendships. Feel free to post what you're looking for here.
 

Shaya

New member
Hi. Welcome to the forums.

I'm not a polyamorist myself, and when i post on polyamory, one of the more common pieces of feedback I get is that I have a very narrow view of couple centric polyamory. That is to say, I tend to have a hierarchical view of polyamory that focuses on the married couple.

I feel you are like me in that sense. Your second paragraph resonates very strongly with me in how I would like to practice polyamory, with everyone involved with the knowledge of what everyone else was up to, sharing in the burdens and joys. Turns out, there are at least 2 different ways to practice polyamory that can work healthily for some people. One such way is relationship anarchy or its closely related cousin solo poly. Another (possibly less poly-like) relationship style is Dont Ask Dont Tell. In both these relationship styles, the possibility of keeping your partners totally separate exists. It occurs to me that some who practice couple centric polyamory may also keep the details of their new partners from their primary partner because of a primary partner's wish to not want to know more.

In summary, polyamory seems to be a large umbrella that covers many different practices. What you're describing is definitely one type of polyamory and in fact, a rather common approach. But other ways to practice polyamory exist as well.

A warm welcome to the forums, regardless. Hope to see more of you here.

Kind wishes,
Shaya.
 

rkay1952

New member
Dear Shaya:

Thanks for a very interesting response. My own position is more or less exactly that of yours. That said, my interest to do a research on the subject, polyamory, started when I saw a program in "History Channel", recently on this subject. I was fascinated by the subject, not for reason the program articulated, but when I thought, the concept was very interesting, again, I repeat, on a concept level! My experience tells me clearly, that any concept works only as good as the commitment shown by the interlocutors, that again on a sustained basis, for reasons that are right. My understanding of relationship goes far beyond the sex life, which again is one more of the aspect, though an important aspect.

I again subscribe to the concept, "don't ask, don'dt tell", which you have articulated. If we do not follow that rule, we become a leaking tap and end up talking things that are irrelevant like most times, like our politicians do, most times.

Again, the selection of people for any concept is the most difficult task in a human life. In a business we could atleast, try training and development. That is much more difficult when we choose partners, with whom we share privacy, so to say. Secondly, I also believe any intimate relationship undergoes, ups and downs over a period of time. In a world when two is a crowd, more than two, such as say, four adults, is undoubtedly is a crowd. Therefore, the success of polyamory would depend entirely on "meeting of minds". Therefore, the love, sex and lust can not be the sole parameter of choice, in an experiment of this kind. That is a reason, I believe, the purpose of the relationship should have a large canvass in which the sex and lust would form just another item of the relationship, should the experiment is expected to succeed. Otherwise, this would end up as a group sex activity for a few days and breakdown as "short- lived" project, breaking even the existing relationship between partners, creating a serious and calamitous situation.

But, all things considered, if or when polyamory or similar concept succeeds, then it is a wonderful situation for the partners to be in. You share resources, share responsibility and also the joy. It could reduce tension between traditional partners. The chances that four persons (for example) would all be under tension all the time is less likely than one person being under temporary or permanent tension. Therefore, to my mind the concept would work well, under conditions indicated supra. Also, in the hands of the matured persons, experimentation would rejuvenate relationship. It is entirely another issue, whether the children in these households would get confused or they would fail the test of normal behaviour.

Best,

RK
 

rkay1952

New member
"Polyamory": Is it an instant gratification or an issue of long-term?

The quest in the minds of any serious researcher would be is "Polyamory", an instant or delayed or deferred gratification, or long term workout?

The answer to the question presumably would be very important for those who are responsible and serious.

While I have my own views on the subject, there are no just one answer but we need to examine multiplicity of views. The idea of this thread is to listen and hear those views of people.

The floor is yours, people!!

Best,
RK
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Re:
"The quest in the minds of any serious researcher would be is 'Polyamory,' an instant or delayed or deferred gratification, or long-term workout?"

I think the answer to that question depends a lot on the details of each situation. My particular situation is a long-term workout, but it took us years to figure that out.
 

rkay1952

New member
I am with you on that. It is long term. But, the point is, how many agree it is long term? It is important, everyone things it is long term and say so publically and privately.

The purpose of my posting the query in the open is to find whether many agree with your view here.

Best,

RK
 

Magdlyn

Active member
I am with you on that. It is long term. But, the point is, how many agree it is long term? It is important, everyone thinks it is long term, and says so publicly and privately.

The purpose of my posting the query in the open is to find whether many agree with your view here.

There is no guarantee any relationship, mono, poly, or platonic, or even parent/child, will be "long term." BTW, define "long term." 1 year? 30 years?

We can invest in a relationship hoping it will be long term, but other factors influence that happening.

And then again, some polyamorists may be upfront a relationship will not be long term, if they know they will need to move after a period of time, for work, or elder care, or whatever.
 

Magdlyn

Active member
The quest in the minds of any serious researcher would be: is "Polyamory" an instant or delayed or deferred gratification, or long term workout?

Instant gratification? As in, sex on the first date? Lots of adult relationships, poly or mono, can start with sex on the first date, or soon after.

Are you suggesting poly is just a one night stand? Wham bam, thank you ma'am? No, that is a one night stand. And how would that be poly? Do you bang two people in a night? No, that is just a sexual threesome, that is not polyAMORY.

Polyamory takes many shapes. It depends on the maturity of the individuals, on how good a match it is, whether one is a partnered or solo practitioner, whether you are poly at heart but currently just have one lover, or no lovers, or 4 lovers, how big your dating pool is (usually small in small conservative areas, bigger in larger cities), if you are married, have children, if you're good at being a hinge, or bad at it, if your partners are lacking in jealousy, if you're an independent and not clingy dependent person, etc., if you are "out" or not, and, in general, just how a poly person operates in a culture in which monogamy is the default.
 

rkay1952

New member
Response!!

Thanks for your views and interesting perspectives.

It indeed is not difficult to define the longevity of relationship. The relationship goal could always measured with reference to the life of the persons involved. But the success of reaching the goal post may depend on several factors, namely, the maturity of the persons involved etc. etc. That is true in any relationship involving two or more persons. Wont it. I dont think, polyamory is any exception to that.

I am heartened to see quality response to the views.
 
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