"PolyBorg Collective"

KC43

New member
Those who read my old blog before the Great Blog Devastation of 2016 might remember me using the term "PolyBorg Collective" to refer to the kitchen table sort of poly, where people are friends with and socialize with their metamours and everyone's one big happy group.

A conversation with a friend about Robert Heinlein's books, and some reading I've done that mentioned one of his books, led me to wonder, though... In some of Heinlein's fiction, polyamory is presented as one big happy group. Everyone in a grouping is romantically and/or sexually, or at least platonic-friendshiply, involved with one another. They hang out, some of them have more than one partner in common, etc. They don't all cohabitate, but they're all welcome in each other's homes.

How common is that kind of thing in real life? Is anyone here involved in that type of configuration? Would you be, if the opportunity presented?

This is me wondering about things and trying to learn "human"...
 
Hi KC43,

I am on friendly terms with my metamour (the only metamour I have), so I guess my V is a "PolyBorg Collective." We all live in the same house, eat dinner together, and do stuff like watch TV or go on road trips together. We draw the line at sex though, that is done very privately.

Anyhow, that's my little group.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Those who read my old blog before the Great Blog Devastation of 2016 might remember me using the term "PolyBorg Collective" to refer to the kitchen table sort of poly, where people are friends with and socialize with their metamours and everyone's one big happy group.

A conversation with a friend about Robert Heinlein's books, and some reading I've done that mentioned one of his books, led me to wonder, though... In some of Heinlein's fiction, polyamory is presented as one big happy group. Everyone in a grouping is romantically and/or sexually, or at least platonic-friendshiply, involved with one another. They hang out, some of them have more than one partner in common, etc. They don't all cohabitate, but they're all welcome in each other's homes.

How common is that kind of thing in real life? Is anyone here involved in that type of configuration? Would you be, if the opportunity presented?

This is me wondering about things and trying to learn "human"...

My partner and I would be totally open to that sort of dynamic, but in my own experience polyamory is more a myth than an actual thing. It's an ideal, as story about how I'd like to live. But -- in the face-to-face world -- I know of few people who identify as poly, and even fewer who have the maturity level to have such an open, happy situation.

I guess polyamory is mostly happening in the big cities. I see little of it around me. (I live in a small city.)
 
I would say that I have been and sort of am working on that situation, yes, and would certainly be open to it in the future. Both my loves are platonically-friendly extending to occasional co-topping me for kink/sex (they're both straight so that's as far as it goes); my non-live-in partner is planning on eventually having his wife's other partner move in with them and I will still be welcome in their house after that of course, my husband's partner can come over whenever she wants, basically... and of course we did a couple quads before that.

I don't know that I want the living together thing, on the other hand I have to wonder whether a big communal living situation with space for everyone might be a _better_ living situation than just a couple+kid...
 
I have a few friends who have this kind of poly structure with their partners and metamours. It works well for them. It's an extra level of hard beyond 'just' having multiple partners I think though. That's my perspective from the outside - they find it rewarding. I think I would find it claustrophobic.
 
My ideal situation would be much as you describe. And, in the right situation, I'd be open to living together with multiple partners and/or metamores provided we all had our own space. When Blue, Snow, & I were all dating, that was the future I envisioned. But a few years of what felt chaotic to me (Blue dating multiple women short-term and a few very short term excursions into dating on my end) have left me drained. Part of that is definitely related to my high-stress career...but part of it is the chaos and uncertainty from the poly situation with Blue. For now, I just want peace and quiet so no poly dating for me for awhile.
 
Kitchen Table

It seems to be the norm among the community I have discovered in the Portland Oregon area. The majority of people I encounter not only prefer this approach, but insist upon it. It is both a blessing and a curse. Some people just want everyone to get along on a basic level, while others want anyone involved with anyone in the polycule to be besties.

For me, I approach relationships individually and don't worry about whether or not one metamour is ass-grabby with another... it's not my business.
 
My partners and their partners are welcome in my home. I've been to parties and social gatherings with metamors. I've slept in the same bed with two partners, and slept in the same bed with my partner and her partner before.

I like have friendships where they naturally occur. Generally, I tend toward community, so this is often easy for me. I don't struggle sharing space. That said, I also don't share a house with any partners and don't have plans to. If I did, I'd like my own bedroom. I also have my own friends that exist outside of any dating relationships.
 
I share a house with both of my husbands. They are platonic friendship cool with each other. I would hope to be friendly with my metamours, if they were to start dating. I have had partners in the past where the metamour was not okay with kitchen table poly and it brought too much stress into our lives.
 
Those who read my old blog before the Great Blog Devastation of 2016

I joined the forum a couple of months back - December 2016 - so still new to poly and this forum - but, please do tell - what was the Great Blog Devastation of 2016 :)

might remember me using the term "PolyBorg Collective" to refer to the kitchen table sort of poly,

My wife poly-bombed me around the first of December (see my Introduction in the Introductions board for details - "Unexpected Poly") for the purpose of pursuing an outside relationship with an old college boyfriend. A text and phone situation had rekindled old feelings - ultimately I agreed to take steps in that direction, and the first thing we did is have all three of us meet at a coffee shop. It was awkward but effective. While he was clearly very nervous, he actually seemed like a decent guy - and I could certainly imagine that if this continues and all goes well, we could all be friends sitting around the kitchen table from time to time - at some point down the road. The biggest obstacle for us is pragmatic - he lives a few hours away - so their visits have to be planned carefully (we've agreed on one overnight a month as a guideline - the first of which was mid January and the next of which will be mid February - and perhaps additional time together if the schedule happens to work out - they both do some business travel). And there doesn't leave much time for the three of us to hang out - as there might be if we lived closer.

Al
 
My husbands partner and I are getting along well and my husband and her fiancé are getting along as well. Her fiancé and I have chatted, but not spent any significant time together with out our partners. Things seem to all be going toward that type of poly and to me that is just fine. I don't want to hate my metamour or their other partner. Civility goes a long way, but I do like friendship. That means a lot to me and honestly is the type of poly I want.
 
I joined the forum a couple of months back - December 2016 - so still new to poly and this forum - but, please do tell - what was the Great Blog Devastation of 2016 :)

Some things I had posted in my blog caused pain and difficulty for other people, and those people asked me to remove the problematic content. It was many pages of posts, so it was easier to just ask a mod to remove all the posts after a certain date.
 
Heinlein-style poly is certainly my model and my preference. I live with both of my boys so, if anyone is dating someone and it gets to the point that they want to bring them "home"...they are necessarily at risk for meeting the rest of us. At the very least it is assumed that we can at least go out for a meal.

When Dude was dating Jane2 - I didn't find her interesting or attractive - we all went to dinner with her twice, MrS took her to a concert that Dude wasn't interested in. She visited our house as a guest but not as "family".

When he was dating Lotus? We all loved her in our own way - she was welcome in our house and our bed at any time. Sometimes Dude visited her alone and sometimes with us and sometimes we met with her without him. Her husband was cool and I would hook up with him if the opportunity and desire arose.

We are likely to find potential partners among our existing friends so it likely that metamours will at least know each other. Whether that evolves into friendship or dating or whatever is up to the individuals involved. Dude has dated women that I flirted with, slept with, OR wanted to have nothing to do with. My preference is "kitchen table" poly - but it is not required. (Maybe it would be different if we had more than one bedroom?)

At this point - while Heinlein/kitchen-table poly is my preference - If either of the boys got involved with someone who wasn't comfortable with that? meh. I like to think that I am secure enough to weather that.
 
I have a lot of experience with kitchen style poly. I lived first with two partners, and later with those same two people plus two more. The latter was a very complicated polycule where everyone was dating or had dated 2-4 people within the house. By the time the house fell apart we had at one point or another had 7 interconnecting romantic/sexual relationships in the house. Only 1 of those 7 is still going. At the moment I live with the only couple left, and the two others live together as friends (they never dated). All of us living together fell apart pretty dramatically.

Now I'm trying to be very careful. At the moment I'm only dating one person, and she isn't involved in any way with the people mentioned above. I want to seriously consider how I want my life to look like, both in terms of romantic involvements and and in terms of who I live with and how much I want these to overlap. My partner Jasmin has other partners and I've met most of them. I get along with them fine, and one I actually knew already before Jasmin got together with him. But I'm not planning on becoming closer friends with them than I already am.

It seems from these boards that the most stable kind of poly co-habiting situation is one where there is one person who has two partners, but the two partners aren't romantically interested in each other, often being for example two straight men. In both of my situations everyone was at least somewhat bisexual, so anyone could potentially end up with anyone and many people did end up dating, which made it more complicated.

I do want to meet my metamours though, and I want my partners to meet each other. No hiding, and people need to be able to be civil with each other. But they definitely don't need to be besties, and I actually prefer it if they're not.
 
It seems from these boards that the most stable kind of poly co-habiting situation is one where there is one person who has two partners, but the two partners aren't romantically interested in each other, often being for example two straight men.
This is also very logical - a Vee is the simplest possible poly combination. The more moving parts there is, the bigger the risk of something breaking down - applies to basically anything and everything. Simple is statistically more stable than complicated. No rocket science there.
 
Sprite is into that sort of thing, but I'm not. I don't mind hanging out every once in awhile, but wouldn't want to have to do that 24/7. Thankfully, Cat wasn't into that at all.
 
I almost said I'd be open to it, given that Spexy is very accepting of people being whoever they are. Then.... wait! I'm not.

As in, I'm very happy about people being whoever they are, but I'm not happy about people being in my space. I have my interests everywhere which are very space consuming, I am not inclined to socialize - one of the reasons Spexy and I get along so brilliantly is that he has an instinct for knowing when I need a cuddle and when I don't even want him looking at me because I'm engrossed in something.

I imagine that sort of a thing would work with more social people. I'm an introvert. I get along well with people, but at the end of the day (and the start and middle) I prefer my own space. So the answer is probably, I'd be absolutely fine with such a space, but it would be fake.

As in I'd not have a problem being welcome in homes and I'd likely have spaces in my home where such things would be happily possible and I'd likely enjoy it, but I'd have large areas cordoned off as my space and the chances are I'd mostly be in them. So I wouldn't have a problem, but I wouldn't exactly be a "real" participant either. The idea of wandering into anyone's home makes me go "why?".

It is less about the PolyBorg - which I don't have a problem with (and likely wouldn't even notice half the time) and more about having pretty asocial defaults. But then.... who knows, I don't mind Spexy in my space because he respects it so totally that he enriches it. Maybe the PolyBorg would too, and I'd have loads companions to share some geeky excitement moment who'd vanish out of focus if I got engrossed again :D

Gawd that sounds like I'm some mad scientist. I'm not. I just tend to have things to do around the home and tend to start something interesting if I have the time. I socialize with a trusted few people I like just fine. It is just that the things I find interesting are quite different from others. DIY stuff, quiet conversations, being in harmony at home and such. Things like going out for socializing gives me an allergy. The important thing I guess would be who the people are in the PolyBorg and if they understand me and don't expect me to be involved in everything all the time. And if anyone says we "MUST" get together to go out for dinner once a week, I'd be a happy single again :p
 
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I almost said I'd be open to it, given that Spexy is very accepting of people being whoever they are. Then.... wait! I'm not.

As in, I'm very happy about people being whoever they are, but I'm not happy about people being in my space. I have my interests everywhere which are very space consuming, I am not inclined to socialize - one of the reasons Spexy and I get along so brilliantly is that he has an instinct for knowing when I need a cuddle and when I don't even want him looking at me because I'm engrossed in something.

I imagine that sort of a thing would work with more social people. I'm an introvert. I get along well with people, but at the end of the day (and the start and middle) I prefer my own space. So the answer is probably, I'd be absolutely fine with such a space, but it would be fake.

As in I'd not have a problem being welcome in homes and I'd likely have spaces in my home where such things would be happily possible and I'd likely enjoy it, but I'd have large areas cordoned off as my space and the chances are I'd mostly be in them. So I wouldn't have a problem, but I wouldn't exactly be a "real" participant either. The idea of wandering into anyone's home makes me go "why?".

It is less about the PolyBorg - which I don't have a problem with (and likely wouldn't even notice half the time) and more about having pretty asocial defaults. But then.... who knows, I don't mind Spexy in my space because he respects it so totally that he enriches it. Maybe the PolyBorg would too, and I'd have loads companions to share some geeky excitement moment who'd vanish out of focus if I got engrossed again :D

Gawd that sounds like I'm some mad scientist. I'm not. I just tend to have things to do around the home and tend to start something interesting if I have the time. I socialize with a trusted few people I like just fine. It is just that the things I find interesting are quite different from others. DIY stuff, quiet conversations, being in harmony at home and such. Things like going out for socializing gives me an allergy. The important thing I guess would be who the people are in the PolyBorg and if they understand me and don't expect me to be involved in everything all the time. And if anyone says we "MUST" get together to go out for dinner once a week, I'd be a happy single again :p

Yeah it's a wild thing, I am considered to be an extrovert by most people I know, and if I take a personality test it puts me there, too. But I don't feel it's that simple. Like a lot of things it's more something I do, than something I am. And I'm sometimes discontent with doing either thing. I can be out at a party and surrounded by people I like, having interesting conversations...and suddenly wish I was home alone or feel like I need to escape. I can be home alone, and get so restless I feel like if I don't talk to another human being I'm gonna crawl out of my skin. I've said it feels like I am a ghost haunting my own home.

One thing I had to come to grips with, after being married a long time and never being allowed my own space, though we could have a man cave and HIS bedroom and a guest room for HIS friends, any space that was "mine" had to be shared with the family. Even the children had more space than I was allowed to have. And I can't be happy that way. It was one of a few major pieces I identified later that made it into my "Relationship Bill of Rights." Unless we're just so poor we can't afford a place that's big enough, I need my own space. But I also need community.

I've thought about what sort of shared poly living arrangements I might have been able to live in...the only way that ever made sense to me, was like some sort of property that's subdivided into apartments, if I had my own. In this town, there are lots of old Victorians that were subdivided like that for the college students to rent out, and I could imagine living really happily with an assortment of friends, partners, or chosen family, in a building like that.

But to the OP...if NOT in a cohabitation setup, I prefer the concept of everyone knowing each other, being socially connected, happy to hang out, etc. Even though I'm not even a girlfriend to my former quad, with the exception of Analyst who has backed away for his own reasons I'm still pretty close to Fire and Hefe, and we hang out, and Zen has always known them and they socialize. Everybody is friendly and groovy. I would NOT like any kind of DADT, ever.
 
I'm definitely not into DADT. To some extent, I like knowing what's going on with my partner's other relationships. I just prefer HEARING about it from him, rather than OBSERVING it because I'm stuck in the same space as him and another of his partners.

It might be different if I had a partner who could be present with me when my boyfriend is with another partner. But I don't; Hubby doesn't socialize, and right now he and my boyfriend are my only partners. Then again, I'm not sure I'd feel comfortable bringing another partner around my boyfriend either... I'm gonna stop trying to figure out hypotheticals, I think. LOL
 
Hmm, I like the idea in theory. I really do. I just am so shitty at the practicality of it. I also really like my space.

So I guess, for me, its the utopia, what we strive for, but my imperfections make such a collective very difficult. I wouldn't mind maybe a piece of land with other houses are near each other, and maybe a communal kitchen we all ate dinner at occasionally. Sort of like those summer camp set ups. But I couldn't do it in UK because of housing being the way it is, but I've considered in the USA. There's space and people for it, and a lot less restrictions.

I'm hoping I eventually get over my hangups enough to achieve such a thing.
 
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