Polys not jealous?

Letitbe

New member
Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand. :)
 

Hannahfluke

New member
Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand. :)

I think feeling jealousy is normal. I also think that if you expect to not feel jealousy because you are poly, you're just setting yourself up to feel bad when you do feel jealousy. I think the important part is what you do when you feel jealous. Do you let it rule your decisions or do you examine why you're feeling jealous and work on those feelings?
 

nycindie

New member
People are people. Some folks tend to get really jealous; some not so much. As I see it, there isn't necessarily a corollary between jealousy and whatever relationship structure one chooses. Many monogamous people don't get jealous and many poly people do get jealous. And every color in between.

Certainly, if you're the type that doesn't get too jealous, it will make any kind of relationship easier to handle. If you are the type that tends to get jealous, it means it takes a lot more work in trying to understand it, deal with, and not give in to it, in order to diffuse the ticking time bomb and keep jealousy from turning a relationship into a disaster. Jealousy is often a sign of other underlying feelings that are difficult to handle.

Don't believe the people who say that you "shouldn't" feel jealousy at all, ever, if you're poly. We're all human beings and susceptible to a wide range of emotions.
 
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AnnabelMore

New member
To me being "naturally poly" means that you naturally can and do fall in love with multiple people without that meaning that the existing love or loves in your life diminish. Obviously if you want to translate that into the practice of having multiple loving relationships you can usually expect that your partners will have other partners too and that's where it helps to also naturally not be very jealous. However, even if you are a naturally jealous person it seems like for many folks it's possible to learn to manage it. Hopefully in time that will lead to you actually feeling less jealousy.

If you feel you are naturally poly but find that despite your best efforts you cannot manage or lessen your jealousy to a level you can handle then you should probably either practice monogamy or find a partner who's happy to remain monogamous while letting you be polyamorous (though that would kind of be a weird thing to set out with as a goal, as your monogamous partner could always change their mind in time and decide they want to practice poly too).
 

redpepper

New member
I have been insanely jealous at times in my 15 years of poly. I love my jealousy and am so glad I have it. To me it shows that someone means something so much to me that I need to look at what is going on closely so I can see why I feel the way I do. If I was not jealous then I would question how much they mean to me. I would question how much I mean to them if they were not jealous sometimes too. If there is no struggle then I would question why we are together.

When I am jealous its usually because there is some kind of change or adjustment to our dynamic because someone new is in our lives. I struggle with my partners trying to make space and time with others as it usually means its taken from me. I struggle with their gleeful NRE when we used to have that at some point. Only natural I think. I get threatened that their partner is a new shiny thing in my partners life and I am just that ol' faithful boring thing in their life. I get scared that really our relationship is over and I am not ready or feeling that way.

Usually its all worked through with lots of talks, reassurances in the form of attention given to me in the ways I need it and over time and adjustment to change. Its all natural and human. I can eventually let go of my jealousy and relax into a new routine, get to know and appreciate my metamour and realize that my worth and belonging is still in tacked in my polycule.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
Jealousy.

The first time I ever recall feeling (sexual/relationship) jealousy in my life was when MrS went home to go to a concert with his exGF/current FWB (code name SweetPea in my personal saga) shortly after we had had our "are we in a relationship" discussion (my first ever).

My stated stance: “Of COURSE you are going to have sex with her. You love her. You share all this history. Blah, blah, blah...” He says “you are going to be upset”. I protest. Short story long: he goes home, he sleeps with her, he comes back...I am upset. Not with him, but with myself for having these jealous feelings (I don't 'believe' in this "jealousy" crap...a fundamental view I have of myself at this time)).

We talk, I tell him that I am not mad at him but myself for not responding in the rational fashion I expect, he says “I told you so” - which drives me insane! So, a few weeks later SweetPea swings through for a visit – it's great! her+me, him+her+ me – so I figure out that I am not so much jealous because she and him had fun, but that she and him had fun while I was back at the apartment missing him.

I felt that I had come to a better place in understanding my own reaction and would have be fine with him being with her again without me there. Unfortunately I never had the opportunity to test my hypothesis, he never played with her again unless I was also there. “No, I learned my lesson.” Dammit!

So? Lesson? (for me at least) was that the jealously was situational...that the immediate object of jealousy ("You had sex with x-girl") was not necessarily the REAL underlying trigger...(finding the trigger, however, might be a sticking point...)

[PS. Don't...know...that...any...more...ellipses...are...possible...in...this...post!)
 

Songbird

New member
Redpepper, your post is so timely for me!

I'm involved with two guys (I guess I'm called a 'free agent'). The newer relationship is lovely and also fragile in several ways. He's spending this weekend with another woman and I am gripped with anxiety that I wasn't expecting, so this evening I've been mulling it. And yes, the anxiety shows me what he means to me -- as well as the several sources of the fragility. Hopefully, that will all help me get to a clear communication with him about what I'm seeing and feeling.
 

Arrowbound

New member
There's no such thing as being immune to jealousy, poly or not. My husband has said before that he doesn't picture himself ever getting jealous once I branch out, but I still take it with a grain of salt because I'm well aware that you can't always dictate how you're going to feel until you're going through the experience.
 
Are people who are naturally poly naturally not jealous, or do they have to work at it? Why would you want to be poly if you experience jealousy? Is it possible to go from jealous to not jealous? Are the people who experience jealousy just trying poly because perhaps a partner came out as poly so they decided to try poly? I guess it just doesn't make sense for a person who is jealous to want to be poly. Forgive me if any of this sounded ignorant. I'm just new to poly and want to better understand. :)

Well I don't know that I'm "naturally poly" My ex and I chose to be actively poly about 8 years ago, and after a divorce there was a long stretch of monogamy with my current husband until about a year ago. He's been poly for 20+ years but still has feelings of jealousy now and again, though I do my best not to do anything that would trigger them. I certainly have them at times, and I haven't even had any partners fall in love with a new partner in this entire time, and I KNOW I'll feel all sorts of pangs when that happens.

I get out of it the ability to meet and date new people, enjoy more varied sexuality than I would in a 13 year relationship that overlapped with a (to date) 7+ year relationship. I have the joy of knowing that I am loved, EXTRA loved. I also enjoy self growth and the opportunity to conquer my shit, which includes facing jealousy issues stemming from self esteem issues that are MAGNIFIED by poly sometimes, so encourages me to fix it NOW and not let it simmer beneath the surface. Lots of other benefits to it but those are the ones that immediately come to mind.
 

feelyunicorn

New member
I find polyamorists online (I`ve never met an example of the species IRL:(:D) are exceptionally educated about a couple things:

a) the ability to feel feelings (including jealousy);

b) the ability to know the difference between feeling something and acting;

c) the ability to take responsibility for their own feelings;

d) the ability to communicate their feelings;

e) the ability to create boundaries;

IMO, if you have experience in the above, jealousy is not a problem. It may rather be a blessing.
 
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Derbylicious

New member
Jealousy is a symtom that something needs to be examined. Sometimes it means that you need to look within and do some work and sometimes it means that there is something about the situation that needs to be discussed. It's a natural human emotion and a useful one. As time goes by I find that I feel jealous less often because there's a lot of things I have already worked through and talked through.
 

IsobelR

New member
It depends entirely on the person and the relationships, I think. I don't really get jealous, or even envious much, in my current relationships. Some of that is to do with my personal mental make-up, and some of it is due to the fact that as I was entering an existing relationship I was fully aware that time, attention etc would be at a premium and would take some negotiating. I came into the relationship having heard about my boyfriend's wife on a regular basis, so was fairly prepared for having her in my life and having to share him.

It also helps that we're all very aware of someone being left out, so we go to great lengths to remove causes for jealousy before the feelings arise.
 

nycindie

New member
I don't really get jealous, or even envious much, in my current relationships. Some of that is to do with my personal mental make-up...
I don't tend to get jealous much in committed relationships because, for me, jealousy is usually connected to trust. And I never really get involved with people I don't trust. When someone starts doing things that make me wonder if I can trust them, then I start becoming susceptible to thoughts that lead to jealousy. If I'm feeling left out, that usually leads to envy for me. I also usually know that I need to make efforts to deconstruct those uncomfortable feelings and see what's underneath them for me to feel any relief.
 

strixish

New member
I am *always* feeling jealousy.

And since I learned to accept this about myself, I can deal with it much more easily. Sometimes it's just an annoyance I can swat away. Sometimes I need to give it more attention. Usually, just telling people that I'm feeling jealous is all I need. Give it a voice, acknowledge it, and it steps aside to let me on my way.

This is a MUCH better technique than my old way, of trying to stuff it down and silence it, which leads to it eating me up from the inside out.
 

feelyunicorn

New member
Something else I feel should be acknowledged is that jealousy is an integral part of monogamous relationships as well, and probably more so.

Why were you looking at her? Who are you going out with? :rolleyes:
 

nycindie

New member
Something else I feel should be acknowledged is that jealousy is an integral part of monogamous relationships as well, and probably more so.
Well, I wouldn't go as far as saying jealousy is integral to either mono or poly relationships, but can happen in either. Jealousy is not a given in all cases, and it's certainly not necessary (integral) for a relationship to function. I've never tended to be a jealous person in any of my monogamous relationships. I think jealousy is a very individual trait, and comes out according to one's personality rather than the structure of one's relationship.
 

Polywaw

New member
My wife and I never experienced jealousy since we've figured out we are and should be polly. I have some insecurity issues with her and guys, although that's been swept under the rug from what our experiences tell us.

She's never really had jealousy, it just doesn't exist for her, which is really weird for others looking in.

I know a woman who really loves to explore poly relationships, but for the longest time was really jealous of her lover and his exploits.

I think the jealousy thing is natural and common, but it comes down to what will you do with it when you feel it? Her enjoyment is more important than the nervousness a male makes me feel. With that in mind, I remember that, I can breathe easy, it's not important.
 

KyleKat

New member
Overcoming jealousy

When I was younger I used to constantly get jealous and always need to know what my significant others were doing. It drove me nuts so I learned how to deal with it by realizing that I didn't have enough trust in my partner of the time. I dealt with my trust issues and subsequent relationships have been much more stable. My current wife says I get jealous of her attention (not her affection) and I realized that I was clinging to her.

It's a balance, to be sure.
 

NovemberRain

New member
I am often, insanely, stoopidly jealous. Always have been. I'm much better about recognizing it's a feeling that requires no action whatsoever on my part. I was raised in a crazy little triangle and always felt left out. I suspect that's where I grew it.

Current bf, however, doesn't appear to have a jealous bone in his body. He is one of the most generous people I have ever known. He is so inclusive, in so many ways. I know sometimes he'd rather not be, but it's so much of who he is he can't help himself. However, I noticed that he's taken to saying 'mine' during the throes of sexytime. Which is amusing and sweet, and slightly a turn on.
He says his lack of poly jealousy is because of who First bf is. They were friends before he met me (when I was the exclusive gf of First bf). If either one of them was gay, or slightly inclined toward men, I don't think I'd be involved at all!
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
I get jealous of her attention (not her affection)

I understand that one. I don't get jealous of affection either and if I am jealous its because I'm not getting one of my needs met and the guys won't know that until I ask for what I need.

For example:
A couple years back, we had a birthday party for me on my birthday. Only one person in our social group knew about Wendigo and I at the time and we were trying to keep it that way, so I wasn't cuddling up to him the way I do when everyone else isn't around. I found myself jealous of another friend because she'd tiredly sat down next to him and snuggled up to him. I knew that he had a bit of a crush on her and a few months later when we talked about it, I pointed out that I had been jealous because she'd been able to do the one thing I'd wanted to do all night but hadn't because we were trying to keep up appearances, not because it was someone he had a crush on. I had kicked myself because it reminded me of the time that Wendigo had asked me if we were so far on the DL that he couldn't get a hug goodbye at a pool party. He's my best friend, no one is going to question us hugging or cuddling on the couch! I was being silly and have since corrected that.
 
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