PolyWog need advice with jealous primary

SugarGlider

New member
My situation is unique but I think this community will help me a lot. I've been in a committed relationship for almost a year, with sex only between my BF and I. However, for most of our relationship I've had a sugar daddy(SD).

He gives me weekly allowances, takes me on dates, and we kiss good night. It's never gone further than that; we have a semi-romantic relationship. I communicate fully with my primary about the things that I do with my SD but it feels like no matter what I do or how I try to communicate, he is simply upset by the relationship I have with my SD.

We've tried to institute normal rules like I have to tell my BF when I make plans to see my SD, and I text him when I get home. Before my BF wanted to know exactly what happened on the dates, as far as kissing and ass-grabbing, but that seemed to make him uncomfortable and upset. I never blow off my BF to meet with my SD even though my BF has asked me to blow off my SD for him (I don't). But it just seems like he's overall uncomfortable with a poly relationship, and I've told him that before. I'll follow rules we set up, but no matter what rules we set, or how I keep him updated on my relationship with my SD, he's unhappy I have another person in my life.

The latest upset with my BF is that I had suggested that when I had gone out shopping with my SD that I pick up a pair of nice headphones for my BF. We ended up shopping but not in the correct store, so I never ended up getting the headphones for him. I text him after the date saying how it went and that unfortunately I didn't get him his headphones. He proceeds to call me a liar saying that that shopping plaza obviously has stores where you can buy them, he can't believe "one pair of headphones is too much to ask for," "this SD thing sucks," and kills me with "are you having sex with him? Did you blow him?"

I've told him multiple times before that his previous partners cheating on him is not an excuse to accuse me of things like that, and that I communicate fully and I'm willing to go through my SD and mine texts with my BF to massage his ego.

I told him that he can't talk to me like that and I know he really just has a problem with the poly relationship. I bought him headphones since he was being a big baby about it and now he's trying to latch onto that like it's the main part of the argument. He wants to pay me back, he wanted to spend my SD's money, not mine. He said I'm worried about trust, but he's worried about teamwork bc I was being selfish by not following through on my word that I would get my SD to buy headphones, and we wouldn't be having this argument if I never suggested I try to buy them for him. But he eventually got headphones, and my point is he is ultimately upset by me having a SD, which he refuses to acknowledge. Every time that I bring up my point he tries to blame something else.

Is there any hope for a normal poly relationship with this guy? At one point during an argument he has told me that no one else was going to put up with a girl that has a sugar daddy, and ik that it's not true and he was just trying to hurt me
 

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GalaGirl

Well-known member
I'm sorry you struggle.

If you are still in the edit window you might consider spaces between paragraphs so it isn't "wall of text." You might get more readers that way.

You've only been seeing BF for almost a year. NRE lasts for 6-24 mos. Eventually the pink fluffy cloud lalas lift, and you get to see if initial attraction and initial compatibility are going to become more... or not.

I think you are bumping into that now.

I've told him multiple times before that his previous partners cheating on him is not an excuse to accuse me of things like that, and that I communicate fully and I'm willing to go through my SD and mine texts with my BF to massage his ego. I told him that he can't talk to me like that and I know he really just has a problem with the poly relationship

I think you could have stronger personal boundaries. Tell him it is not ok to talk to you like that just because his ex cheated on him. You are not that type. You are up front. And you have been honest. You expect him to work on his stuff.

Then rather than doing things to massage his ego like letting him read your private texts with SD... start counting. Some actual consequences.

Whatever number you pick? If he hits your limit? Stop dating this dude. He behaves poorly at you... so you gave him X second chances to get it together. If nothing improves? You can bow out.

Because if he is NOT working on his personal stuff, he's carrying baggage from the ex, and he keeps being mean to you and picking fights? If this isn't compatible? It is just not then. Why bang your head on the wall?

A person can have a second chance to work things out, but second chances are not like 50 second chances, 500 second chances, 5000 second chances, right?

(Does SD even know you show BF the texts from SD or consented to that? Because it's not just your info, but SD's info too.)

I bought him headphones since he was being a big baby about it and now he's trying to latch onto that like it's the main part of the argument. He wants to pay me back, he wanted to spend my SD's money, not mine.

You could say "Ok, pay me back."

And next time be firmer. "Ok, I tried to find headphones but it didn't pan out. You have to get it yourself or order online."

Or don't agree to do him the favor from the start.

Why does he want to spend SD's money? You could say "No, will not be doing that. He's my sugar daddy, not your sugar daddy. Do not expect me to milk my SD for your benefit."

Cuz if he wanted a sugar mama or sugar daddy... presumably he could get his own, right?

He said I'm worried about trust, but he's worried about teamwork bc I was being selfish by not following through on my word that I would get my SD to buy headphones, and we wouldn't be having this argument if I never suggested I try to buy them for him.

Ok. Agree. End of story.

IME, people who call me selfish? Esp when I offer to do them a favor? Are the selfish ones themselves. Trying to pressure me into doing their bidding by calling me names like "Selfish" or "inconsiderate" or whatever.

What works for me is to just agree even though I know I'm not actually selfish. Then I disengage and stop doing them favors. I don't have to be doing it.

Kinda surprises them, but what are they gonna say? "I told Galagirl she was selfish, she agreed, and stopped doing the thing that bothered me?"

Pffft.

But he eventually got headphones, and my point is he is ultimately upset by me having a SD, which he refuses to acknowledge. Every time that I bring up my point he tries to blame something else.

Again, if you were up front and honest about having an SD from the beginning? It's been a year and this guy hasn't done his personal work to heal his past nor accepted he participates in an open relationship that includes SD? You have tried keeping him bare bones informed, medium informed, super informed? And he's still having a cow?

It may be that this isn't a long haul runner.

Bummer, but that sometimes happens in dating. Some of them don't pan out.

I suggest you do your soul searching.

Is there any hope for a normal poly relationship with this guy?

Doesn't sound like it to me.

At one point during an argument he has told me that no one else was going to put up with a girl that has a sugar daddy, and ik that it's not true

Yup. People can have sugar mamas and sugar daddies.

and he was just trying to hurt me

So why are you with a dude that doesn't trust you and deliberately tries to hurt you?

Rather than owning it and say "I'm sorry. I've tried for almost a year, but I just can't get my head around this SD thing and it bothers me. I think breaking up respectfully is the best thing for both of us because this isn't really compatible" or similar?

I've told him that before. I'll follow rules we set up, but no matter what rules we set, or how I keep him updated on my relationship with my SD, he's unhappy I have another person in my life.

If he's unhappy here? And doesn't have the sense to come in out of the rain himself? All he does is express his unhappy by picking fights and acting out at you?

It may you have to end it with him rather than putting up with his acting out at you and other poor behaviors.

I don't know my opinion on any of that helps you or not.

Galagirl
 
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SugarGlider

New member
I'm sorry you struggle.

If you are still in the edit window you might consider spaces between paragraphs so it isn't "wall of text." You might get more readers that way.

You've only been seeing BF for almost a year. NRE lasts for 6-24 mos. Eventually the pink fluffy cloud lalas lift, and you get to see if initial attraction and initial compatibility are going to become more... or not.

I think you are bumping into that now.



I think you could have stronger personal boundaries. Tell him it is not ok to talk to you like that just because his ex cheated on him. You are not that type. You are up front. And you have been honest. You expect him to work on his stuff.

Then rather than doing things to massage his ego like letting him read your private texts with SD... start counting. Some actual consequences.

Whatever number you pick? If he hits your limit? Stop dating this dude. He behaves poorly at you... so you gave him X second chances to get ti together and nothing improved. So you bow out.

Because if he is NOT working on his personal stuff, he's carrying baggage from the ex, and he keeps being mean to you and picking fights? If this isn't compatible, its just not.

A person can have a second chance to work things out, but second chances are not like 50 second chances, 500 second chances, 5000 second chances, right?

(Does SD even know you show BF the texts from SD or consented to that? Because it's not just your info, but SD's info too.)



You could say "Ok, pay me back."

And next time be firmer. "Ok, I tried to find headphones but it didn't pan out. You have to get it yourself or order online."

Or don't agree to do him the favor from the start.

Why does he want to spend SD's money? You could say "No, will not be doing that. He's my sugar daddy, not your sugar daddy. Do not expect me to milk my SD for your benefit."

Cuz if he wanted a sugar mama or sugar daddy... presumably he could get his own, right?



Ok. Agree. End of story.

IME, people who call me selfish? Esp when I offer to do them a favor? Are the selfish ones themselves. Trying to pressure me into doing their bidding by calling me names like "Selfish" or "inconsdierate" or whatever.

What works for me is to just agree even though I know I'm not actually selfish. Then I disengage and stop doing them favors. I don't have to be doing it.

Kinda surprises them, but what are they gonna say? "I told Galagirl she was selfish, she agreed, and stopped doing the thing that bothered me?"

Pffft.



Again, if you were up front and honest about having an SD from the beginning? It's been a year and this guy hasn't done his personal work to heal his past nor accepted he participates in an open relationship that includes SD? You have tried keeping him bare bones informed, medium informed, super informed? And he's still having a cow?

It may be that this isn't a long haul runner.

Bummer, but that sometimes happens.

I suggest you do your soul searching.



Doesn't sound like it to me.



Yup. People can have sugar mamas and sugar daddies.



So why are you with a dude that doesn't trust you and deliberately tries to hurt you?

Rather than owning it and say "I'm sorry. I've tried for almost a year, but I just can't get my head around this SD thing and it bothers me. I think breaking up respectfully is the best thing for both of us because this isn't really compatible" or similar?

I don't know if any of that helps you or not.

Galagirl
Thank you
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
BF sounds toxic. Right now he is focused on SD as the problem, but if you stay with him I suspect he'd never be comfortable with you having any male friends. Is that really the consequence you want from this relationship?

I suspect, from your post, BF is not at a point in his life where he is ready to do poly. He honestly sounds like someone who won't be ready for the foreseeable future.

If it were me, I'd say enough is enough and let the relationship go.
 

TXretired

Active member
Memories of my first GFs (Teach) husband. If we followed his rules we were wrong. He broke rules he set. Wanted to know everything. Treated teach like she was nothing. Very toxic.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
First off, stop with the text fighting. It NEVER goes well.

Next, the jealousy has nothing to do with poly and everything to do with BF's insecurities. You're trying to appease his fears that loooong pre-date you and trying to appease never works. ("If it's hysterical, it's historical."). Looking in on his texts and your story, I can't see why he'd want an open relationship to begin with. If he's got issues with sharing you, then fair enough - don't agree to polyamory. He doesn't seem to know his own values and clearly doesn't have a handle on his own boundaries. The more you try to appease him, the more caught up you get in his issues. You'll never be able to jump through enough hoops to make him un-insecure. He's the one and only person who can change that, if he chooses to. Stop fighting him, stay in your own hula hoop and find partners who love polyamory.
 
First off, stop with the text fighting. It NEVER goes well.
When I started calling my gf instead of text fighting, our relationship went from slowly losing altitude to at minimum keeping level, if not repairing itself right in the moment sugarglider. Tone is lost over text, and hearing your SO cry, breathe, etc brings the human back into the conversation. Talking on the phone has likely thwarted breaking up several times for me. I love my GF but my next gift for her is a thesaurus and dictionary. She uses terms for things like "dating someone" when she means meeting up once for sex. By picking up the phone I was able to say "woah, we are chalk out of time and said that dating even more folks isn't viable for us given our needs and resources, do we need to adjust here" and she clarified... no, it was an hour for sex.

Without that voice chat, I would have dropped her as I was in COVID hell at the time at work and feeling very distant. And Gala would have killed me as I was asking her for advice daily. (Trust her, that's my tip).

As for this, I am usually really empathetic with people. I had a previous LTR/LDR relationship end years ago, and while she never admitted it I know she likely cheated on me. This bleeds over to my GF who thankfully stuck around after I had a titanic-crashed into the hindenburg then exploded over Chernobyl meltdown a month ago over her looking for a one time hook up.

A one-time hook up.

Thankfully my GF stuck it out and I worked it out to be better. I dug for days and felt physically and mentally exhausted listing what made me worried and uncovering the bomb behind the triggers. But what I am not seeing here is your BF working it out. There is a phrase that my therapist told me to help with some of the scars the death and chaos of this pandemic caused me.

It isn't your fault, but it is your responsibility.

I can't just can't help but think your boyfriend is dumping responsibility on you. At first I was going to say he likely feels infantile or inadequate that this money is being used on him, and an easy fix would be to stop spending the SD money on him. But the rest of the stuff is just awful if that is indeed how he reacts, and you provided proof!

My gf is married, there are expectations I knew going in like knowing I will never have kids with her. I didn't want that, so it was okay. I feel the same problems might come up for anyone dating anyone in the sex-work field, there are things you are going to have to just accept. He signed on the line knowing the agreement, but he regrets it and is treating you as a subhuman. Whether he agrees with the arrangement or work you do what is not okay is him losing sight of you as a person.
 
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GalaGirl

Well-known member
Without that voice chat, I would have dropped her as I was in COVID hell at the time at work and feeling very distant. And Gala would have killed me as I was asking her for advice daily.

While I remember you going through that rough patch? Nope, I would not "kill you." I figure adults know what they get themselves into. What they choose to do or not is their biz.

But agree -- tone is lost over text. Text to me is for short neutral stuff like "I'm here. Just parked the car..." or something. It is not the place for serious relationship convo.

GG
 

SugarGlider

New member
First off, stop with the text fighting. It NEVER goes well.

We have set a time aside to speak in person. I was already pretty mentally exhausted by this point of our text convo. I felt like we were going in circles. I often like to text my point bc we are both heavy stoners and it's easier to remember things we've said already

I dug for days and felt physically and mentally exhausted listing what made me worried and uncovering the bomb behind the triggers

I'm not sure if he even knows how to identify triggers in himself like that. I think I've been trying to help him work out his problems from previous relationships that he ultimately needs to sort out himself

At first I was going to say he likely feels infantile or inadequate that this money is being used on him

It was initially his idea that we both could benefit from SD, but now I think that thinking stemmed from him trying to justify being in a relationship with someone who has a SD. I don't think I'll be trying to include him on future purchases

He signed on the line knowing the agreement, but he regrets it

That's what I keep trying to explain to him. He is too content in his misery to realize he's unhappy. He said at one point that I'm only thinking about what I want, but when it boils down to it we want different things, and ofc I'm going to stick up for my side of things. I don't think he feels seeing himself out is an option.

Thank you everyone for your help. We have a long conversation to have. If he is unable to work on his own shit, I need to show him the door.
 

HaloOnFire

Active member
He's the one and only person who can change that, if he chooses to.


Given the parameters presented thus far, I do not think he is going to, if ever.

I also completely agree with you in that this is nothing but her having to jump through ever shifting hoops/goalposts/what have you. And tbh, if I had received texts like that, my ONLY response to that would have been, "Boy, bye".
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
we are both heavy stoners ....

OK, why? I'm not being facetious, I'm really asking. Why? What's this all about?

Addiction/heavy smoking/heavy drinking and drama always go hand in hand. All of us in 12 Step programs know this intimately. There is always so much more to the story when people can't put down the substance or the drama.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hello SugarGlider,

Sorry you are going through this awful stuff with your boyfriend. I do not think you are doing anything wrong, and I definitely don't think that your boyfriend is poly-friendly. He is staunchly monogamous, and wants/expects you to be staunchly monogamous too. I do not think he is going to change, so what remains for you to do is to decide whether you want to continue to endure the bad treatment from him. The arguments, the jealousy, the jabs, the hurtful accusations. Those are going to continue as long as you are with him, unless you give up the sugar daddy, which I don't think you should have to do, and honestly even if you did it I don't know if that would fix things. Your boyfriend just does not trust you, and I suspect that he will always come up with some reason (excuse) to continue to withhold that trust. You are hurting, but I suppose it's conceivable that the good things your boyfriend brings into your life, makes the bad things worth it.

I hope things get better for you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
OK, why? I'm not being facetious, I'm really asking. Why? What's this all about?

Addiction/heavy smoking/heavy drinking and drama always go hand in hand. All of us in 12 Step programs know this intimately. There is always so much more to the story when people can't put down the substance or the drama.
Karen, I have at least 3 friends who smoke, eat or vape cannabis every 3 hours or to relieve symptoms of depression anxiety, in addition to taking their prescribed meds. They are not "dramatic" people. They just want to be able to function and do their adulting without spiraling. Cannabis is not a drama drug.
 

MeeraReed

Active member
SugarGlider, please forgive me for being blunt. Your boyfriend sounds terrible. Immature, controlling, wanting to blame you for his own problems.

Even if you wanted to be monogamous with him, I don't think he would make a good boyfriend. I think the same stuff would come up--the immaturity and his insecurities and him blaming you for everything.

It's true that not everyone will want to be polyamorous or to date someone who has a sugar daddy/mama. But if that's who you are, then you need to find someone compatible with you on those terms. You should not keep dating someone who resents you for having another relationship / having a sugar daddy.

Some food for thought:

One of my metamours, Violet, is polyamorous and also performs work that could fall under the "sex work" category. She has an Only Fans, she performs at strip clubs, she does pro Domme work, she has online clients that are sort of sugar daddy relationships. (This is in addition to a lot of other creative, performance, dancing, and retail work she does). She doesn't engage in physical sexual acts in person with her clients, but she does experience other people judging her negatively for doing this type of work.

So, she only dates people who don't resent her or judge her for it. People who believe that her body and her life and her choices belong to her. People who don't accuse her of being untrustworthy, a liar, dishonest, etc, for doing that kind of work.

However, Violet also has strong boundaries separating her work from her relationships. She doesn't have romantic or semi-romantic relationships with her clients. She keeps firm professional boundaries. It's just work. It's just a job.

She is polyamorous, so she does have more than one romantic/sexual relationship. Right now I think she has two serious, long-term boyfriends. They are both comfortable with her being polyamorous and aren't upset that she has another boyfriend.

Her boyfriends also have no issue with her "sex work" stuff. They understand that it's just work. It's how she earns money so she can pursue other creative things. I can imagine how fast Violet would dump them if they demanded she buy them expensive presents with her clients' money just so they can feel better about the work she does!

For you and your sugar daddy, it sounds like you consider him a relationship, not just a professional client. You said you and him are "semi-romantic," but I'm not sure what that means. It sounds like you consider yourself polyamorous and you think of your boyfriend and your sugar daddy as your two romantic relationships, regardless of whether sexual stuff happens with the sugar daddy.

I wonder if your boyfriend thought he could handle you having a professional client sugar daddy, but did not want to be polyamorous with you having another sort-of boyfriend? Because I think the two things are different. Plenty of people who have sugar daddies or do "sex work" are monogamous with their romantic partner and don't consider their work clients to be romantic relationships.

Or maybe a sugar daddy relationship is often a "relationship" with a kind of blurred boundary between professional and romantic, I don't know. But it might be worth thinking about how you define things for yourself.

I do think your boyfriend would still be terrible to you regardless of how you define your sugar daddy relationship, however.
 

Marcus

Well-known member
However, for most of our relationship I've had a sugar daddy(SD).
I communicate fully with my primary about the things that I do with my SD but it feels like no matter what I do or how I try to communicate, he is simply upset by the relationship I have with my SD.

So you've been monogamish for most of your relationship with BF, and he's had a problem with it the the whole time?

Sounds like he's made it pretty clear that he isn't interested in this kind of relationship. I'd say you either need to drop the SD and be monogamous, or let your BF know that he's going to have to deal with his own shit because you aren't going to drop the SD.

In any case, the BF has made his stance clear, so you need to make yours clear.


I've told him multiple times before that his previous partners cheating on him is not an excuse to accuse me of things like that, and that I communicate fully and I'm willing to go through my SD and mine texts with my BF to massage his ego.

Just to be clear, you described the association with your SD as "semi-romantic", where there are dates, kissing, providing, etc, and your BF thinks you might be sexual with this guy?

I'll be honest with you, that would be my immediate first assumption, and unless I knew you very well and trusted that you weren't full of shit I would presume that you were either sexual with SD, or that you will be sooner or later. I don't think that's a strange leap of logic and doesn't require a childish adherence to previous pain. I mean, I'm sure that clouds your BF ability to be reasonable, but the leap of logic itself is a pretty short leap.

Is there any hope for a normal poly relationship with this guy?

What is your honest assessment? Given what BF has shown you, does it seem like he's an appropriate partner for a semi-sort of-non-monogamous-ish relationship? For me, he's made it perfectly clear that he's not at all interested and is content with making your life miserable while he's with you.

I say, move on to someone who is actually interested in the kind of relationship configuration you are hoping for.
 
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