Positive things as a mono I have gotten from poly

vodkafan

New member
Thanks again sage for starting this thread. I am fast finding this my favourite place to unload on, mainly it is just a process of reviewing things for myself, but I hope it will perhaps be of use to other "new" monos. (Of course I have always been mono so not new- but have never thought there was an alternative way of being).

Just having a sort of internal review of where I am with myself at the moment.
Here are the positive things I have gotten from being in this V:

1) Self knowledge. I know myself better and am happy as a mono.
2) Through many conversations (some painful, some not) my wife has been able to put into words exactly WHY she loves me, what essential thing binds her to me; and I am able to see how over the years I deviated from that, giving me a road map to how I can get back there.
Also she knows why I love her.
3) The relationship is a living thing that breathes and expands and contracts. I can see that now. Nothing is supposed to stay the same. We don't take each other for granted now. Love is like a playful animal that skips over the rocks and hard points of my soul. You can't catch that animal and keep it chained up. You just have to play with it and feed it when it comes.
4) the knowledge that quality is better than quantity. Our time together is precious.
5) Better communications. When one of us talks now the other one REALLY listens. And with our inner self not just our ears. But ears are a good start.
6) I know that she is happy because she is free to be herself and love someone else; and that doesn't hurt me.
7) Romance. How did we do without that the last few years?
8) My wife feels MORE secure in our marriage. I know her needs.
9) Compersion. This obviously is new to me and strange. But it feels good.
10) We put each other first. (I know that may sound funny because she shares her time between two of us. But I feel it is true)
11) We are not dependant. I am happiest when she is there but can also be happy when she is not there.
 
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GroundedSpirit

New member
Thanks for this Vodka,

Seems we talk so much about the challenges that we often miss a clear picture of the rewards.

And a lot of these things you mention aren't unique to mono/poly configs, but apply as well to poly/poly relationships that grow and blossom.

Thanks for the clean layout !

GS
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I have definitely gotten some positive things out of loving a poly woman:

#1 Redpepper and the rest will be in no particular order :)

The motivation to serious look at how my heart and personal sexuality works:
-I understand and embrace my monogamous nature more than ever
-I fully understand the importance of sex to me and have placed it on an appropriate pedestal founded on my own values

Through the above understanding I have a more complete explanation as to why I hurt many people in my life.

-I have learned to communicate and process feelings much better and quicker.
-I have developed a very calm approach to things that do, can and will happen with relationships.
-I have been exposed to a community of greater diversity and acceptance than ever before.
-I have grown more secure in many ways regarding friendships that my partner has. Gender lines have disappeared in that friends are just friends :)
-I have become much more accepting as a human being.

Through Redpepper I have found family.
 
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Jodi

New member
thanks for sharing that. i really enjoyed #3, the relationship as a livng breathing thing, playful. i never looked at it like that. v cool.
 

vodkafan

New member
Christmas

Finding it hard to find time to post on here as Christmas gets nearer. Coming to the end of all the extra overtime. Good things seem to be happening. Especially as my time with my wife has been very limited of late, Christmas could easily be a time of jealousies and resentments. And yet instead there is massive compersion going on.
OHb and I have been colluding on what christmas presents to get for my wife (so we don't get the same things). And he has also bought gifts for each of our children, which I thought was above and beyond the call as he doesn't have too much money. I have bought him a gift and also plan a joint surprise present for them both.
The way we worked it out my wife will be with me and the family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but she will spend Boxing day with him. We are all completely happy with this. I am happy that she will be with him that day, as it will give me a "dad day" with the children.
The other night I had a long phone call with OHb and we both said that we would not want to change a single thing. All the pain at the beginning has been worth it. Life is good.
That's it really.
If I don't get back on here in the meantime, I wish you all Merry Christmas and a happy New Year and good luck with all your relationships. :D
 

redpepper

New member
Finding it hard to find time to post on here as Christmas gets nearer. Coming to the end of all the extra overtime. Good things seem to be happening. Especially as my time with my wife has been very limited of late, Christmas could easily be a time of jealousies and resentments. And yet instead there is massive compersion going on.
OHb and I have been colluding on what christmas presents to get for my wife (so we don't get the same things). And he has also bought gifts for each of our children, which I thought was above and beyond the call as he doesn't have too much money. I have bought him a gift and also plan a joint surprise present for them both.
The way we worked it out my wife will be with me and the family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, but she will spend Boxing day with him. We are all completely happy with this. I am happy that she will be with him that day, as it will give me a "dad day" with the children.
The other night I had a long phone call with OHb and we both said that we would not want to change a single thing. All the pain at the beginning has been worth it. Life is good.
That's it really.
If I don't get back on here in the meantime, I wish you all Merry Christmas and a happy New Year and good luck with all your relationships. :D
Smiles all around :) it is worth it isn't it?
 

sage

New member
Congrats VF you're a wonderful role model for mono guys in poly relationships. I hope you have a wonderful Christmas. It's neat that you're developing your relationship with your metamour.

We're doing well too although Z has already started his new job in Australia and so we won't be together for Christmas. He won't be with his SO either but he is staying with her sister.

I think that through this process of accepting polyamory I have become a much more emotionally independent person. I attribute this to Z's polyamory because I haven't been able to lay down my emotional well-being at his feet and expect him to meet all my emotional needs irrespective of his own. Loving him dearly without being too dependent on him is a very liberating feeling.

Merry Christmas
 

monolicious

New member
What have I gained from my husband going poly?

1. Firmer identity and understanding of my own relational needs/style. I'm very much mostly mono.
2. Openness- Notice I now say "mostly mono". That is my preferred, natural, comfortable mode. However, I suddenly find myself feeling more open to all sorts of relationships. I think this is due to two things 1) my husband's role modeling as a poly and the joy he exemplifies 2) lack of fear that other relationships will somehow mess up my marriage.
3. Better communication.
4. Better sex (even when his SO has stolen the bone- we just get more creative:)
5. More trust- every time my husband honors my boundaries without batting an eye, I trust him more.
6. A Happier Husband
7. Seeing aspects/sides to my husband that come out in his other relationships.
8. Sense of Independence and Personal Strength.
9. Learning to ask more for what I want/need. Standing up for my own relational needs.
10. More experiences to write from:)
 

redpepper

New member
What have I gained from my husband going poly?

1. Firmer identity and understanding of my own relational needs/style. I'm very much mostly mono.
2. Openness- Notice I now say "mostly mono". That is my preferred, natural, comfortable mode. However, I suddenly find myself feeling more open to all sorts of relationships. I think this is due to two things 1) my husband's role modeling as a poly and the joy he exemplifies 2) lack of fear that other relationships will somehow mess up my marriage.
3. Better communication.
4. Better sex (even when his SO has stolen the bone- we just get more creative:)
5. More trust- every time my husband honors my boundaries without batting an eye, I trust him more.
6. A Happier Husband
7. Seeing aspects/sides to my husband that come out in his other relationships.
8. Sense of Independence and Personal Strength.
9. Learning to ask more for what I want/need. Standing up for my own relational needs.
10. More experiences to write from:)

He sounds like a most excellent example of poly! Very pleasing to hear,,, behind every happy mono in a mono/poly dynamic is a poly with good ethics in my book (I'm sure you have done your fair share of kick ass work too!). Very well put... I am moving it to other threads for reference. hope you don't mind.
 

monolicious

New member
He sounds like a most excellent example of poly! Very pleasing to hear,,, behind every happy mono in a mono/poly dynamic is a poly with good ethics in my book (I'm sure you have done your fair share of kick ass work too!). Very well put... I am moving it to other threads for reference. hope you don't mind.

He is an amazing poly man, husband, partner. I sometimes whine a little about how perfectly he has led us into polyland because it doesn't give me any "real" excuse to balk. In other words, I have to kinda make stuff up to be upset about:D (which of course I can do on occasion).

I'm thrilled that you'd move it to other threads for reference.
 

redpepper

New member
He is an amazing poly man, husband, partner. I sometimes whine a little about how perfectly he has led us into polyland because it doesn't give me any "real" excuse to balk. In other words, I have to kinda make stuff up to be upset about:D (which of course I can do on occasion).

I'm thrilled that you'd move it to other threads for reference.
Hey, don't forget that it takes an amazing mono partner to make an amazing poly partner... but I get your point. :)
 

Indigomontoya

New member
I really have to echo a lot of the initial poster's sentiments. While I cannot say I am 'mostly mono' I am comfortable in my own decisions to search and be confident that if I dont find a Poly partner I will live.

I think I have stated time and time again that Poly has affected me positively; and the initial post encapsulates most of the benefits of being mono, mostly mono, or mono by default with a Poly partner.

I would say though that it does take a great poly partner and OSO to allow for positive change out of this. I know that the deep introspection has not been possible without the questions posed, both by design and by action, by TP.

Oddly enough I dont think I would have addressed my jealousy insecurities without being in a Poly relationship; nor would I have been able to crystalize a clear sense of what my needs are from a partner both in general and day to day. I also think that emotionally I am much stronger and able to recognize the pitfalls I fell into in other relationships.

I think that GS is right in saying that a lot of the things listed dont come from just a mono/poly relationship but I think that because a lot of the posts on the forum are people reaching out to seek help sometimes we lose sight of the fact that all benefits don't have to be an external force; just like all problems and hurdles are not fully internal.
 

erithacus

New member
Although our relationship is very fragile at the moment, even when it would end I would have gotten the following things out of it:

- A LOT of personal growth
- Better understanding of my needs and wants, and the ability to state them clearly along with how I want to achieve them
- More insight in how I interact with people, how people interact with me and how that affects them and me
- A clear view of some of the things I have yet to learn and how they influence my everyday life
- Improved communication skills -> nonviolent communication
- Better awareness of my own emotions

No matter how everything turns out, I've become a better person and I'm happy about that.
 
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