potential girlfriend too close to home

Valleydoll

New member
Hello!
I'm sorry if this is covered elsewhere, new to this also so I don't know the link, sorry :)
My husband has always been aroused with the idea of me seeing other men. About a year and a half ago we explored this, I met someone, casual sex became meeting for coffees and connecting quite quickly and we are now in a loving relationship. I see my boyfriend once every couple of weeks because he lives over an hours drive away. Part of the agreement initially when we were seeking someone was that they did not live too close. My husband has been involved sexually with us on occasion and always insists I have sex with him when I return home from seeing my boyfriend.
That's sort of the background. My husband knows I've fallen for my boyfriend but gets off on the sex. I have been trying to learn more about polyamory but can, unfortunately, be the jealous type:( However, I've been trying to do some reading to get over this, him seeking out other people was brought up, I felt it was only fair to let him explore thinking that he would talk me through everything (that he'd met someone he was interested in etc) before making any decisions because he was aware of my uncertainty, that the geographical distance would be acknowledged as was requested by him of me, the practicalities of meeting etc. I was aware he had signed up to a dating site a month but had no other communication from him then 2 nights ago he tells me that he is interested in someone who works in the same building as him and has told her he is interested, he has told her that I have a boyfriend (no one knows except him) and that he would hopefully see her that weekend and my head is spinning. Added to that he became agitated because he read some messages between me and my boyfriend and told me I had no right to be a bit freaked by his sudden announcement as I was all lovey dovey with my boyfriend.
I am aware this has been handled all wrong but need some guidance. He is highly sexed and quite often wants to have sex with me after I've messaged my boyfriend. However, I have no interest in having sex with him if he is turned on after speaking to his girlfriend and when I asked about the 'practicalities' of him dealing with that he was not happy.

Sorry for the long winded post but I suppose my issue is when I'm not ready how do I deal with him having daily contact with someone he wants to date (though he says now he's not going to but I dont think its fair that the other girl involved will be let down), I've no interest having sex with him because he's turned on by this other woman so what do we do there and he feels he's let me have free rein because I've fallen for my boyfriend even though he gets off on me and my bf having sex....help!
 

BlueShoes

New member
Well, you step back and look at your entire situation and figure out whether it's working for both of you, what you want in the long term, and how you'd get there.

Your situation has red flags all over it. Like, I can see what you were trying with the boyfriend initially, but now your partner has read your email (!), and is trying to hold it against you that you developed an emotional connection (!). Like you owe him a girlfriend you're not comfy with because you're an emotionally healthy human being who doesn't relate to your other partner (the one he encouraged you to have because it turned him on) as just a sex toy.

And he insists you have sex with him when you get home from dates with the boyfriend (!). He's unhappy with you turning down sex when he's turned on by his gf and not by you - look, no one likes being turned down, but sex should be consensual. Too much going along to get along is horrible for your relationship.
 
Hi, Valleydoll, and welcome to the forum!

1) Being long-winded myself, I'm not going to fault you for that. :p:eek::rolleyes: But may I give you a small piece of advice about layout? If you left a line of space between paragraphs, used shorter paragraphs (and - in some cases - broke longer sentences into 2 or 3 shorter ones), your future posts would be a lot easier on the eye and therefore a lot easier to pay attention to.

Reading your post felt like you were trying to get it all out in one breath. (Maybe you were.)

2) Re: your actual situation. Your husband is getting a sexual kick out of your having sex with another man. If that's fine for both of you, who am I to criticise? But I get this feeling that he puts a bit of pressure on you to have sex with him right after you've been with your boyfriend. Have I got that wrong? (Re-reading your post just now, I notice that you did use the term "[He] always insists I have sex with him") [my stress on "insists"]

Is that OK with you? Are you happy about it? Reading between the lines, I would guess not.

If you came back from a date with your BF and said that you wanted to just spend the rest of the evening thinking back on the date, would that be OK with him, or would that be a violation of your agreement (your freedom to be with another man as long as hubby gets "paid" for it)?

3) Your husband is not necessarily being generous and open-minded with regard to your freedom. He's getting what's called a "pay-off". He gets off on you being with someone else. Again, I can't object to that UNLESS he uses your "freedom" to make you feel guilty... or make you feel like you "owe him one".

4) You write that you can "be the jealous type". That's OK. Polyamory isn't some magic amulet against jealousy. But polyamory should be entered into by all parties concerned with a willingness to try, a willingness to accept, a willingness to respect others' feeling.

5) I get the buzz that your husband would be happier as a swinger. That's NOT the same as polyamorous. He enjoys the fact that you have sex with another man, but throws it in your face (? Or am I exaggerating here?) that "[you were] all lovey dovey with [your] boyfriend"

6) Telling you that you "had no right to be a bit freaked by his sudden announcement" is OUT OF LINE! You have 100% freedom to whatever feelings you might have.

7) As for his insisting on your possible boyfriends living (relatively) far away, but announcing that he's considering a relationship with someone close: that is a case of HIS bending the rules. At the VERY least, he owes it to you to give you time to get used to the idea. And if you do later agree, then the ban on your dating locally should also be lifted.

8) I'm not a fan of sex without emotion. I find it sweet that you've "fallen for [your] boyfriend" and you shouldn't let your husband use that fact to blackmail you into situations that you're not happy with.

Some things to think about...

Have a hug! :)
 
Hey, Valleydoll,

You might get something out of the poem quoted in the 4th line of my signature. Just click on the link (the underlined title) and scroll down to nearly the bottom of the page that appears.

And pay attention to what BlueShoes wrote.
Your situation has red flags all over it.
Indeed!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Polyamory isn't just about sex. It means multiple loves. Even asexual people can be polyamorous.

It sounds like your husband is a voyeur and maybe a cuckold. He likes MFM sex, he is aroused when you're on a date with your boyfriend, and wants to bang you as soon as you get home.He even becomes aroused when you so much as text your bf, and demands sex then too!

You (personally) sound polyamorous. I assume you love your husband, and you love your boyfriend. But you originally got into this configuration under pressure from your husband, to satisfy kinks he has (voyeurism, cuckoldry).

It's OK he has those kinks. In fact, it can be quite natural, as in ancient history, humans lived in close quarters and often observed each other having sex.

Where it all goes sideways is this: Your husband "insisting" you have sex with him the minute you arrive home from being with your boyfriend, or right after you have a text convo with him. You never owe anyone sex, ever. Giving him sex when you don't want it, it almost constitutes rape. Now, in my case, if my gf wants sex as soon as my bf leaves, I happily engage. But I have a very high libido. If you would rather have a break of a few hours, or even a couple of days, after having a date with your boyfriend, you are well within your rights. Your body, your choice.

Your husband will be disappointed? That is not your problem. You first made this foray into polysexuality for his benefit, but you are allowed to renegotiate terms if you are feeling uncomfortable. You get to decide where your boundaries lie.

Now, the next problem is his double standard. He met a woman at work, and wants to date her. That is a big swerve away from the original agreement on his part! Leaving out that it is unwise to date a colleague (office gossip can lead to job loss), he would be able to see her everyday, and have sex with her more often than you can with your bf.

Now, things don't have to be perfectly equal in a poly relationship. It's quite common for one member of a couple to have a local OSO, and for the other to have something more long distance. That is just how it shakes down sometimes.

Also, just because your h gets aroused when you see or talk to your bf, does not mean you will automatically be aroused when he sees or talks to his potential date person. It's a shame if he assumes you MUST feel things you don't feel. I wonder how sex has been during your entire marriage? Do you often have mismatched desire? Do you often lie back and think of England while he fucks you when you're not in the mood? This isn't necessarily healthy either.

For both these problems, you two need to sit down and have a series of talks. No need to talk for 6 hours; take an hour to go over issues. Stop if things get too emotionally overloaded. Maybe set aside once a week to talk over progress with your OSOs. If things get messy and you both get really upset, consider seeing a counselor (a poly friendly one).

Also, read at the More Than Two website. Read more on this board. Read the More Than Two book together. Read the book Opening Up. Educate yourselves about how best to do poly!
 
Last edited:

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
I took the liberty of editing your OP into more manageable paragraphs.

Hello!
I'm sorry if this is covered elsewhere. I am new to this, so I don't know the link. Sorry :)

My husband has always been aroused with the idea of me seeing other men. About a year and a half ago we explored this. I met someone, and casual sex became meeting for coffees. We connected quite quickly, and we are now in a loving relationship. I see my boyfriend once every couple of weeks because he lives over an hours drive away.

Part of the agreement initially when we were seeking someone was that they did not live too close.

My husband has been involved sexually with us on occasion and always insists I have sex with him when I return home from seeing my boyfriend.

That's sort of the background.

My husband knows I've fallen for my boyfriend, but he gets off on the sex. I have been trying to learn more about polyamory but can, unfortunately, be the jealous type :( However, I've been trying to do some reading to get over this.

Him seeking out other people was brought up. I felt it was only fair to let him explore, thinking that he would talk me through everything (that he'd met someone he was interested in etc.), before making any decisions, because he was aware of my uncertainty, that the geographical distance would be acknowledged as was requested by him of me, the practicalities of meeting, etc.

I was aware he had signed up to a dating site a month ago, but had no other communication from him. Then 2 nights ago he tells me that he is interested in someone who works in the same building as him, and has told her he is interested. He has told her that I have a boyfriend (no one knows except him). He also told her he would hopefully see her that weekend. My head is spinning!

Added to that, he became agitated because he read some messages between me and my boyfriend. He also told me I had no right to be a bit freaked by his sudden announcement, as I was all lovey dovey with my boyfriend.

I am aware this has been handled all wrong, but I need some guidance. He is highly sexed and quite often wants to have sex with me after I've messaged my boyfriend. However, I have no interest in having sex with him if he is turned on after speaking to his girlfriend, and when I asked about the 'practicalities' of him dealing with that he was not happy.

Sorry for the long winded post, but I suppose my issue is: when I'm not ready, how do I deal with him having daily contact with someone he wants to date? He says now he's not going to, but I don't think it's fair that the other girl involved will be let down.

Also, I've no interest having sex with him because he's turned on by this other woman. So what do we do there? And he feels he's let me have free rein because I've fallen for my boyfriend-- even though he gets off on me and my bf having sex....help!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Valleydoll,

In light of his recent behaviors, perhaps you and your husband are not entirely compatible? He does not seem to be taking your feelings into account.

Regards,
Kevin T.
 
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