potential poly/friendship help

[jvlpdillon]

I have an amazing wife of 15 years who is my best friend and lover. But, I find it difficult to only have one true friend. As expected, I have outside interests, but the people I work with, and my family, don't quite fit the bill. While I would not consider either of us to be conservative, we have always been friendly with both men and women, but never have had defined friends or relationships, outside of our marriage, with the opposite gender. We've always just assumed the societal norms.

I talked to my wife recently about the idea of us each having friends/relationships outside our marriage as a way to grow our individual lives, regardless of gender. The idea of friendship was a duh moment. Of course, neither of us cared. As ours did, friendships can lead to attraction. I am not concerned if she happens to also be attracted to another person. Her response seemed a bit less so toward me. "Just get whatever it is you need to do out of your system. Just let me know what is going on. I may be jealous, but it's fine."

I took the backhanded permission as "Please don't do this." This also made me hesitant to bring anything up again to continue the conversation. I only would consider having an open relationship if she were honestly happy with the idea. This made me feel like I couldn't pursue friendships either.

Clearly, I would like to open the conversation again, but I am not sure how. I feel as if she will think if I meet someone, I am just looking to sleep with them, which is not the case, but might happen.

Thanks for the help. If I am out of line, I don't mind hearing that, too.

 

[sp7380]

Hmm... Polyamory may be a lost cause with her. Even if she tacitly goes along with what you do (may it be friendship or more), it sounds like inside she disapproves and may grow to resent you, even if on the outside she says it's okay. Sorry to be blunt. I'm just thinking from a woman's perspective.

 

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi JVL - and welcome !

I am not concerned if she happens to also be attracted to another person. Her response seemed a bit less so toward me. "Just get whatever it is you need to do out of your system just let me know what is going on. I may be jealous but fine."

What I sense from your writing is that you two have a very wonderful and mature relationship. That's worth a lot. And it's a good foundation for you both exploring some things while supporting each other. That's something not everyone has, so be grateful!

The 'do what you need to' part shows maturity and love, but it's heavily attached to a common stereotype of the 'mid-life crisis - blah blah blah." There's an unvoiced assumption there that it's 'just sex' and will pass once the curiosity is satisfied. Far more realistic attitude than many have!

Given that you are already (both, apparently) at that comfort level, I'd suggest playing the 'What if...?' scenarios out. Do some reading. LOTs of material available, books, online, etc. Try to get some discussions going so you can both reach a comfort level discussing emotionally sensitive topics.

Play out for each of you: 'What if... an emotional connection with another person happens?' As you'll discover from your study, there really is no inherent danger in that. But it IS work. Start doing some of that work now.

If, in the end, it really is more just a sexual thing-- learning never hurt anyone. But flipping that scenario around can be nasty. It's totally in your power to avoid that now.

Good luck. We're all here to help any way we can!

GS