Pregnant and abandoned..

Silhouette

New member
So it's been quite some time since I have been on here. I had been busy living happily with my two husbands for the last 3.5 years. My legal husband and I have been together 10 years now married 7. My other husband were together 3.5 years. Last month 2 weeks after we found out we're finally pregnant my second husband left me. We had been fighting because of past trust issues, but going to therapy and almost healed from them (or so I thought) when this all happened. He called me controlling and emotionally abusive which yes I have my issues, but even the therapist says I am not asking for anything unreasonable just love and respect. I've always put his needs before my own. Even after this I would do anything in the world for him. I still love him and his happiness was always my goal... When I love someone this is how I am. I just thought it went the other way too.

Anyways, He up and left us after a stupid fight when he bailed on plans with me for the 3rd time in 2 weeks. I begged him to work things out. We got together a week after he left, and we both kissed and said we still loved each other and agreed to try again slowly. Then two days later he won't return my calls or even email back... Now my first husband and I are left here wondering what the future holds. If I am carrying the child of a man who left us high and dry. My husband doesn't mind at all if its not biologically his as he says it's his no matter what. I do know I am lucky to have such a good man by my side still. It bothers me though because in the future he could try to get paternal rights and confuse our child in mid-development. Those questions of if he is my real daddy why did he leave? I never want my child to know that rejection. It may be unavoidable, but I will try to do everything in my power for that never to happen.... Sadly this pregnancy was planned by all of us. We actually all had tried for years for a baby, and as soon as it finally happens so does this... I can barely function or breathe. Even in my dreams I dream my family is whole again, and then I wake up and start all over again.

It's been a month now and still no word of what direction my family is going. I get by the silence it means permanent separation, because obviously if he cared he would at least write. Still there has been absolutely no closure, and he won't even talk about the baby on the way. It's like we (1st husband and I), the baby, and the very life we planned never existed to him. I am going to an attorney to get papers prepared next Monday just in case, but this is never what my husband or I wanted. We loved him and wanted a life with him forever.

My friends are no help as they don't understand that because I still have my first husband they assume I am ok. Even the "friend" my other partner went to live with thinks that breaking up our family is ok because I am not really alone. They don't get that this is just as painful as if it was if I was alone. Even though I have support it doesn't mask the soul crushing blow of loosing him. The pain of him walking away from the future we planned together. I am writing because I have no idea how to get past this. I am in love with a man that I am most likely creating life with, and I don't matter or even exist to him anymore.

How am I supposed to even try to move forward?
 
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bookbug

New member
Since husband #2, knows about the baby, but refuses to communicate, it's probably wise for you and husband #1 (I use 1 and 2 for distinction; not to indicate priority) to prepare for your life and your baby without him. It's hard to guess why he is refusing to engage as it appears there could be a number of reasons - including possibilities of which you might not be aware - but you can only operate on what you know: your family is expecting and he has opted out.

As for grief, it has a time-table of its own. I have been through it with a death and the break up of a poly family. There is no short cut. Your emotions have to process - even if your intellect reaches understanding. Usually emotions lag.

I am sorry there is such sadness during what is supposed to be a joyful time. One thing to focus on is that the well-being of the baby is paramount. You absolutely must take good care of yourself.
 

Silhouette

New member
Thank you for your words, and I am sorry to hear about your losses as well. I am trying to take care of myself, and I am failing. Then I feel guilty because I know this stress is hurting my first and only baby.

How did you get past letting go in your break up? I know time is supposed to heal, but it's been a month and I am still in the denial phase.

I have been going to a few therapists now to get my mind straight. The one we both went to (and him alone before us together) even said she has diagnosed him as a sociopath, so in the long run it may be better if he is out of our life. I just don't know if I can accept that yet. It sadly makes a lot of sense what she says. I just can't accept yet that it's over and there is a chance he never loved us, or even can love in the way I thought he did. I just need him to sign over his rights, and properly end it. I need to know there is no hope, and I don't think I will ever get it. When did telling the truth to someone you love become an option?
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Wow, what a shock to you this must be! Even with past trust issues in the mix, you didn't expect him to leave so abruptly. Maybe he is scared to be a dad after all, or just not interested. Some men have a "breeding" fetish. It's all about proving their masculinity, not about actually being an involved dad. It's sick, and abusive to the women they go around knocking up.

I am glad your therapist assured you he is a sociopath. Good to know now before even worse things have had time to happen.

Best of luck. Grieving takes time and hurts, a lot. Lean hard on your husband. Vent here as needed!
 

bookbug

New member
I am sorry to say this because I know you feel like you have been hurting forever, but a month isn't very long. :(

Your logic and intellect are your biggest allies. Focus on what your therapist is telling you about his personality disorder. In the case of my poly family break up, narcissistic personality disorder was involved. It helped me to understand that those with personality disorders have brains that are wired incorrectly. They have a disability just as much as anyone with a physical disability. Unfortunately, unlike those with a physical disability, people with personality disorders do not recognize their disorder. In some ways it makes it more horrendous. Nonetheless, understanding that their behaviors are not those of a healthy human, it made it easier to view the heartache they cause as a side-effect of the disorder. In other words, I could take it less personally than I could coming from a fully healthy human. It helped me to work toward closure.

You cannot compare your rational behavior to his behavior and get it to make any sense. The meaning behind your behavior is not the same as the meaning behind his behavior. In other words, you can't say: if I treated him the way he treated me, it would mean X. Those parallels can't be drawn. Whatever his behavior means, it probably doesn't mean what you think it does. Or it may not have any deep meaning at all. Remember, his brain is not right.

I eventually learned to reduce all of the hurtful behaviors to which I was subjected to the personality disorder. And while I never want this woman in my life ever again, I was able to forgive her.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Silhouette,
Sorry this has happened to you. :(

I'm afraid bookbug is right, it takes a long time to heal from a hurt like this. Much more than a month.

And I am worried about this guy (your now ex) reappearing in your life five or ten years from now wanting to seize custody of the child. Maybe he doesn't stand a chance, but if I were you I wouldn't take any chances. Talk to a lawyer as soon as you can. Explain the situation. Find out what the risks and options are. Protect yourself, your husband, and your child in every way that you can. I'd almost be tempted to move somewhere far away, but you may feel that would be a little extreme. Just be careful is all I'm saying.

I think the next step after denial is anger so if you start finding yourself getting short-tempered all the time, that may actually be a good sign. A sign that you're moving forward into the next stage of grief.

Please keep us posted on how things are going.
Sympathetically,
Kevin T.
 

Silhouette

New member
Thank you all for your advice, as yes a month is very short but exactly as you said I figured I would have hit the anger stage. I just don't know why I can't accept it yet.

I would actually move us if we could. It's just our whole family is here, our home, our jobs. My ex (God even that word is hard to type) is the one with nothing holding him from leaving. He should go back home, and get help ... But I know he doesn't even realize how messed up he is.

Knowing now that he has a mental disease (I knew he mad minor ones before) it has been a help reminding me it wasn't me or my husband but him. He tried to make me into a monster to make it easier for him to do this i am sure, and I started to believe him. For a few days anyways. If it wasn't for my therapist and husband I think I still would.

You're again right. I have to focus on the future and protect my family now. I set up an appointment with an attorney for next Monday. No point waiting for his response expecting someone who physically can't have empathy to all of a sudden care...
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Sounds like you're approaching this from a pretty smart and sensible point of view. Carry on.

As for the stages of grief, I think there's considerable wiggle room on how long each stage can last, and even if stages can repeat or occur "out of order." Who knows, maybe you'll be "in denial" for a really long time, then be angry for a really short time. [shrug] The important thing is to have faith in time's ability to heal wounds (although some wounds never completely heal).
 

Silhouette

New member
update - well not in denial anymore. I just found his break up email in my junk mail today. It was one paragraph blaming me for everything, and that he is better off without me. I think it's the other way around now. I think my husband and I really got lucky he did this now, and didn't have the chance to influence the child. Pathetic though... 3.5 years, maybe the mother of his child, and what we get is the equivalant of a text message break up with finger pointing.

I am pretty sure he is seeing someone else, and only waited even this long to send that email in case it didn't work out. Sadly, that is in his nature. I should have shut the door on him permanently the first time he broke my heart. I will never make this mistake again. Now, I just feel sorry for whoever tries to love him next.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Bleah, what a nasty email to have to get.
 
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