Primary asked for a break

Hello,

My primary, Liz, has asked me to take a break from being physical with other people for a while so she can adjust to the current situation that is our relationship. Even though we have been poly for a while now, she has recently had trouble accepting the fact that I am involved with other people as well as the extent of which I have involved myself in the local community. We are long distance right now and she has been feeling rather insecure with our relationship, particularly since because of the distance she cannot be physical with me. I reluctantly agreed not to be physical with the other people in my life. I have explained to her that I am poly and do not wish to be in a monogamous relationship. She has insisted that this is a temporary thing. (6 weeks... until we are in the same place. seems like forever to me but...)

My question is this: Do you think that this is a reasonable thing to ask? do you think this may help her adjust? or just prolong the adjustment? I have agreed to this because I love her and I do not want to hurt her, but I have some concerns. Is it fair of me to ask this of my other people? Am I being selfish by still wanting to be physical with them?

More info:
- She is my primary because we live together and are in a committed long term relationship
- We have been in a LDR for 6 months, and will be for another 6 weeks. Then she will move back home.
- Nothing has changed recently, she just realized things about my dealings with others she hadn't before, we had some missocmunications
- She says she needs time to deal with this realization and adjust to what has been going on
- She says if i continue doing things with others she will be too hurt to deal with things; 1 step forward 2 steps back
- I agreed because I love her, and she says she needs this, but I also felt a bit pressured into the agreement
- I do not see any of my other involvements as a threat to her or to our relationship
 
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Hello. Just my initial thoughts on this post...

My primary, Liz, has asked me to take a break from being physical with other people for a while so she can adjust to the current situation that is our relationship.

This, on the surface, does not seem unreasonable to me. Some people take longer to adjust than others - as long is there is some "adjustment" that is actually being made, some people need time to acclimate to the "new normal" and if a lot of "new" stuff is going on at once, it can be overwhelming.

Even though we have been poly for a while now, she has recently had trouble accepting the fact that I am involved with other people as well as the extent of which I have involved myself in the local community.

Although you have "been poly" for a while, that doesn't necessarily mean that either of you has a lot of experience "being poly" under the current circumstances - whatever those may be. Every new situation is a new situation, and you won't really know how you will respond until you are faced with it.

Has something changed "recently" that creates a brand new situation for her to deal with?

We are long distance right now and she has been feeling rather insecure with our relationship, particularly since because of the distance she cannot be physical with me.

Is this distance new/different/more? Is this a short-term or a long-term distance (and/or non-physical) issue? You refer to her as "primary" - what does that mean to you? to her? Does it imply/assume that you are more "physical" with each other than you are with others?

I reluctantly agreed not to be physical with the other people in my life. I have explained to her that I am poly and do not wish to be in a monogamous relationship. She has insisted that this is a temporary thing. (6 weeks... until we are in the same place. seems like forever to me but...)

I am assuming that you mean "physical" = "have sex with". These "other people" in your life - are they old/new/known/unknown? i.e. Are these people that you have been involved with for the duration of your relationship with her or, at least, the long-distance part of your relationship?

More importantly, why are YOU agreeing to something you are reluctant about? Do you not believe her when she "insists" that this is temporary"? Do you have reason to doubt her on this? (and/or...does she have reason to doubt that you are not giving her the full picture until she is "on site" to see for herself?)

WHY does 6 weeks seems "like forever" to you? Are you caught up in some sort of NRE rush that demands you act now or lose some vital opportunity? Is that the vibe she is getting from you? That you are rushing something without giving her time to process when she doesn't even have your physical presence to reassure her? (And, yes, to me, 6 weeks is a VERY short time.)

My question is this: Do you think that this is a reasonable thing to ask? do you think this may help her adjust? or just prolong the adjustment? I have agreed to this because I love her and I do not want to hurt her, but I have some concerns. Is it fair of me to ask this of my other people? Am I being selfish by still wanting to be physical with them?

To sum up: I don't think it is an UN-reasonable thing to ask. It MAY help her adjust, it MAY prolong the adjustment. Depends on the person and the circumstances. (Why does SHE think it would help? Why do you think it WON'T? - do either of you have similar experiences that are shaping your opinions?)

As far as I can see - you have ALREADY agreed to it, so, whether it is fair or not for anyone - your options now are to abide by your agreement or not. The way I see it your "other people" are not entitled to your "physical-ness" - you share it with them or not. That is entirely YOUR decision. If you decide to adhere to your agreement with your primary, which you (presumably) made without the input of said "others" - then it is YOU, NOT your primary who is making that decision. (If your "others" know about the situation and said "sure, fine, whatever you need" then it does seems to be more about what you want and not what is fair to them. Sorry if that sounds harsh.)

Are you selfish for wanting to be physical with them? NO - having wants is not selfish, you want what you want - as does everyone else. Not everyone can have what they want.

PS. Upon re-reading this it sounds a whole lot more "pro-primary" than I generally feel. But six weeks seems such and awfully short time, and I don't think that people should make agreements that they don't AGREE with...maybe I should get some sleep (But my primary and my secondaryANDmetamour are in the bed and my co-primaryANDmetamour has claimed the couch. i.e. my husband and my/his girlfriend are in the bedroom and my/her boyfriend is crowding me in the living room - Damn it, the second version isn't any easier to understand, read the damn siggy :cool:)
 
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I think it's reasonable for her to ask for her needs to be met (ie time to adjust & move? Is she moving near you in 6 weeks?) And, I think it's reasonable for you to give her what she needs if the relationship is important to you and it's within your will to do so. But, it's also reasonable for you to say no if it doesn't fit with past agreements you've had, or with where you currently are. I don't think the issue is whether it's reasonable for her to ask, I think the real issue is that you agreed to something you weren't comfortable agreeing to.

What I do when someone asks something of me that I'm not sure I want to give, before I agree to anything, I try to find out why they're asking what they're asking of me and start the conversation there. So, for example, if she said she wanted you to take a break from sex because it makes her feel less secure in her value to you, you might be able to come up with other ways to show her how important she is to you without giving up sex. Or, she might realize that the she needs to do more work on her to make her feel more secure. Or, in the end, you might still end up agreeing to her request, but you'll be doing it from a place of understanding. That makes all the difference for me because then it feels more like something I'm doing for my partner, as opposed to something my partner is doing to me. Plus, I just feel more connected to my partner the more we communicate and understand one another :)
 
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maybe I should get some sleep (But my primary and my secondaryANDmetamour are in the bed and my co-primaryANDmetamour has claimed the couch. i.e. my husband and my/his girlfriend are in the bedroom and my/her boyfriend is crowding me in the living room - Damn it, the second version isn't any easier to understand, read the damn siggy :cool:)

Lol. I love this. It's exactly how I want my home to look :)
 
My question is this: Do you think that this is a reasonable thing to ask?

Yup. She can ask you whatever.

You are free to consider it and say "yes" or "no." That is also reasonable.

do you think this may help her adjust? or just prolong the adjustment?

You know her better than I would. What do you think? Have you asked her what makes a difference with her being local vs not? What's this agreement do for her? What is its purpose?

Is it fair of me to ask this of my other people?

What you decide to do or not do with your body belongs to YOU. If you are choosing to refrain from sex with anyone right now that is your choice. Your other people do not own your body any more than Elizabeth does. YOU own your body.

I reluctantly agreed not to be physical with the other people in my life.

If you are doing it because it helps her feel better but it makes you feel yucky? That is also your choice.

If you don't like the choice after all, it is reasonable to change your mind and inform her.

"Liz, I've change my mind. This doesn't feel good to me. I am not going to keep that agreement. Is there another way I could help meet your need for ____?"

Keep it simple, dude. Respond to her need. But she has to articulate it. You are not a mind reader.

What IS her need here? Reassurance? Comfort? Something else? Did she say which of these it was?

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

Am I being selfish by still wanting to be physical with them?

No. You are allowed to want what you want.

Each of your relationships could progress at its own pace. You do not have to make it so they are all "even" or something. It is not a race or competition.

If you are both dating and Open, there will be times where you and Liz both have other partners, and times when one does and the other doesn't. It just is what it is.

Galagirl
 
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I can understand why she would be upset and scared considering that she lives away from you maybe she's worried that you were going to fall in love with somebody else and leave her for them but I would not stop being physical with other people because she's feeling insecure that's not fair to your other partner now if you choose to not take on new partners that's fine but I would not ceased physical relations with people you already have a relationship with me because it makes her feel better
 
I would caution that stopping your dating entirely will do the opposite of making your LD but soon to move closer partner feel better.
Its great that you take her feelings into account when considering what decisions to make. She is feeling threatened by your dating life. You agreeing to cut it out kinda signals that yes, you hear her and will stop henceforth because you agree that a real threat exists.

What her insecurities may really be about might be the circumstances of the move. She is moving to you. And if it is an entirely new place to her, she might be getting freaked out about the prospect of making new friends through you and your pool of associations, some of whom may have old, current, and/or as yet unexplored sexual interests in you.
 
Resolving one's insecurities and jealousies is always an inside job. A person struggling with such issues needs to come to terms with them on their own. No amount of restricting a partner's behavior will resolve those issues for them. Doing so is a false way of trying to stay in control of one's emotions without actually addressing them. The truth is that the insecurity is already inside her and your behavior is not the cause of it. If she were already secure and happy and trusting with regard to her relationships, what you do with other people and how often would not ruffle her at all.

So, yes, I feel that agreeing to this would only prolong her difficulty in adjusting to whatever it is she is upset about. When I have issues within myself, I never lay the blame on a lover's behavior nor expect them to fix it for me. When I love someone, I want them to feel free to be themselves. It's up to me to deal with my own issues and upsets.

I would not have agreed to it, nor would I ever designate someone as primary or having priority over others in my life. Yes, be kind, fair, and considerate towards each partner, treat each as the unique person they are, and relate to them and their needs as equally important, but prioritizing one lover's emotional storms (rather than a real emergency like being in the Emergency Room or a death in their family) as more important than anything else you have going on with other lovers, means you have to treat your relationships with your other lovers -- human beings with whom you are involved -- as less important than her inability to manage her own emotions. Ick! This kind of bullshit is what happens in hierarchies and I would never treat people like that.
 
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I have added more info to my original post

What IS her need here? Reassurance? Comfort? Something else? Did she say which of these it was?

https://www.cnvc.org/Training/needs-inventory

She has identifyed belonging and security and intimacy. However this agreement was the only thing she thought would help meet those needs.

No amount of restricting a partner's behavior will resolve those issues for them. Doing so is a false way of trying to stay in control of one's emotions without actually addressing them. The truth is that the insecurity is already inside her and your behavior is not the cause of it. If she were already secure and happy and trusting with regard to her relationships, what you do with other people and how often would not ruffle her at all.

This is basically my concern. This is also why I worry it may not be so temporary. How can I encourage/help her deal with her insecurities?
 
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I have two examples of situations a bit like yours. The first one is me, my ex Ray and his other partner that he considered primary, Tina. Tina started having issues with him dating me and another person, Valerie. Tina had emotional break-downs, so she asked Ray to stop dating others while they lived together (they had a temporary living together situation). So in their case it was the opposite than yours; Tina was okay with Ray dating others as long as she didn't need to face it in that way, as in him coming home from dates etc. So, he complied and stopped having sex with me and Valerie, and saw us less often. He didn't want to, but felt like he didn't have a choice because Tina was having such a hard time with it. I wasn't happy about it all, I felt like a toy that he put on a shelf waiting for a good time to play with it again. But I tried to be understanding. I stayed on that self, hoping that he'd pick me up again when Tina was feeling better. Which he eventually did. They did still live together at that point, but he had had enough and wanted to continue seeing me and Valerie. So he did, but Tina couldn't handle it and they broke up. After that we did well for quite some time, but then similar things started to happen with Valerie, where she didn't want to know anything about me and started acting like an insecure primary in some ways, so I decided to get off of that rollercoaster and broke up with Ray.

The other example is my partner Zooey and her other partner that she recently broke up with. He kept taking his other partner's feelings into consideration much more than Zooey's, which left her feeling quite unimportant.

So I'd advise you to think carefully whether you want to put yourself in a situation that could very potentially cause resentment in you, but also in the other people you're involved with.
 
So I'd advise you to think carefully whether you want to put yourself in a situation that could very potentially cause resentment in you, but also in the other people you're involved with.

This is also my concern.
 
She has identifyed belonging and security and intimacy. However this agreement was the only thing she thought would help meet those needs.

So far she suggests you stop having sex with other people so she can feel secure. Secure from what? Yucky thoughts? Something else?

What is her suggestions for what SHE can do? Only suggesting things for you to do does not sound like both people working on problem solving.

Is she dealing in poly hell stuff?

Is she one of those "external locus" persons? Where the whole world outside her has to be ok before she can feel ok inside?

Or is she one of those "internal locus" persons? Where she can be ok inside herself, and then it doesn't matter whether the outside world is calm or not?

Keep talking this out. But know it is ok for you to say "No. I do not agree to that. We need some thing else to solve it."

Galagirl
 
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I think asking for a short break can be reasonable. But I also think that the break time should be set up to enable time for on issues and not overly limiting to the development of all the relationships.

I recently asked real to wait a week before having sex with his new fwb to give me time to process the negative reaction I had to his acquiring a new fwb. I had a lot of emotions that came up and really surprised me. I needed time to process why I had such a strong reaction before I had to deal with more information. I just needed a minute to breathe and think through my feelings. It was my issue. I needed the time. I and our relationship would have been ok without it but it made things easier that he could grant me that.

On the flip side, in the past, I've been the one required by someone's primary to wait before for an unspecified amount of time and that experience was painful to me. I felt devalued as a person.

In my current relationship(which is in a transition place) lady and I have a good enough relationship that all three of us can communicate and negotiate our needs.

Breaks are fine but only if you both actively communicate about the issues and put in the work to address them.
 
After 38 years if sharing a girlfriend who was a part of our family and part time resident, my wife and I are a couple again. Our gf was supposed to relocate with us and we were going to live our remaining years together. Something prevented her from moving with us and my wife and I decided that after sharing our lives, home and bed with our gf, it might be nice to take a break.

Boy were we wrong. My wife and I grew apart and she almost left me once. I fell into a depression and had to go on medication so I could get out of bed in the morning. Our sex life was mostly once or twice a month out of marital duty.

We did not realize the extent of the fulfilling of our needs that we could not fulfill for each other, was. It took 4 years for us to rekindle our intimacy as a couple and get used to a monogamous marriage.

I can fully understand your trepidation about a break. Sometimes you do not realize how much someone is a part of your life.
 
So you edited your OP to add this?

More info:
- She is my primary because we live together and are in a committed long term relationship
- We have been in a LDR for 6 months, and will be for another 6 weeks. Then she will move back home.
- Nothing has changed recently, she just realized things about my dealings with others she hadn't before, we had some missocmunications
- She says she needs time to deal with this realization and adjust to what has been going on
- She says if i continue doing things with others she will be too hurt to deal with things; 1 step forward 2 steps back
- I agreed because I love her, and she says she needs this, but I also felt a bit pressured into the agreement
- I do not see any of my other involvements as a threat to her or to our relationship

You lived together for a certain amount of time (how long? were you poly the whole time?)

You had bad communication around how many others you were dating, or the intensity of those relationships? And now she is reeling to be informed of some very important things in your life she had no idea about? Why didn't you share more, sooner, as things got more intense? I don't blame her for feeling like she's been left out or kept in the dark. If that is the case, I can understand why she wants you to slow down til she gets home.

I am sure you do not see your Others as a threat to what you have with your gf, but she is playing catch-up now. Your life is in reality much different from what she was led to believe. Sounds like she's in shock.
 
Seems to me, 6 weeks is nothing. It's a fixed amount of time, with a specific end point and goals to accomplish within that time. As long as she understands that this 6 weeks is for her to process and acclimatise, not avoid... then it's fine.

There is one part that bothers me... where her request becomes more threatening... "If you keep doing this, I'll be too hurt to deal." That's getting into manipulation territory, and it concerns me. To some extent, we're all responsible for our own hurt. There's always an initial, gut reaction that we can't really control... but then it's each person's responsibility to come to terms with their emotions and deal with them in a healthy, mature way.

If a situation hurts you too much to deal in it, then you pull yourself out of the situation... you can't control other people. So for example, she could say "for the next 6 weeks, I can't handle being in a poly situation with you, so I'm going to take a break and we'll pick up when I move back home." Then you could make a decision whether being on a break was better or worse than taking a break from physical with other people.

What's odd is... she knew you were in an open relationship, she just didn't realize the full extent of it... but until she found out about the specifics, did she have any complaints about your relationship? Did she feel like she wasn't getting the love and attention she needed? So what changes, knowing that you were sleeping with some chick and not having beers with your buddies? The difference is all in her head, and in her head she must confront it.
 
Hi jayblue122,

Re (from OP):
"My primary, Liz, has asked me to take a break from being physical with other people for awhile so she can adjust to the current situation that is our relationship ... Do you think that this is a reasonable thing to ask?"

I suppose so as long as it's a one-time thing; not so much if it becomes a habit.

"Do you think this may help her adjust? or just prolong the adjustment?"

That's really up to her. Maybe she's not sure if she can ever really tolerate open/poly arrangements at all. Maybe this break gives her an opportunity to decide?

"Is it fair of me to ask this of my other people?"

I suppose so as long as it's a one-time thing; not so much if it becomes a habit.

"Am I being selfish by still wanting to be physical with them?"

That's kind of a matter of semantics. How does one define "selfish?" If it's defined as being negligent and unfair towards others, then no you're not being selfish. You're just feeling what you feel. Only if we define feeling our own feelings (by itself) as selfish could we say that you're being selfish. Some people might say that (but I wouldn't).
 
People seem so down on the gf, but I still want to know why there was "bad communication" around these others of yours. And now she seems really surprised you've been so active while she's been away.

Again, how long had you 2 dated and/or lived together before she went away (for school, work, family duties?)?

Are you both poly? Were you both seeing others when you were together? Has she been seeing others in her new location? Did you feel fully informed about her others, if she has them?

Does she think you were hiding your activities from her in a don't ask don't tell kind of mindset? Are you seeing so many people to the point she feels unsafe about your sexual health?

What's the real problem here?
 
This is also my concern.

It's a legitimate concern.

If my partner needed extra emotional support (and he has, for about three years now) I am more than happy to give it. He's going through the roughest period of his life. But that does NOT mean he gets to be my only relationship.

I give the time needed to friends, to my family, to my romantic interests. He knows it would be unfair, especially with as much as I'm giving him, to tell me I can't dedicate time to other people. Especially as we are apart a week at a time every month.
 
You lived together for a certain amount of time (how long? were you poly the whole time?)
You had bad communication around how many others you were dating, or the intensity of those relationships? And now she is reeling to be informed of some very important things in your life she had no idea about? Why didn't you share more, sooner, as things got more intense? I don't blame her for feeling like she's been left out or kept in the dark. If that is the case, I can understand why she wants you to slow down til she gets home.

People seem so down on the gf, but I still want to know why there was "bad communication" around these others of yours. And now she seems really surprised you've been so active while she's been away.

Again, how long had you 2 dated and/or lived together before she went away (for school, work, family duties?)?

Are you both poly? Were you both seeing others when you were together? Has she been seeing others in her new location? Did you feel fully informed about her others, if she has them?

Does she think you were hiding your activities from her in a don't ask don't tell kind of mindset? Are you seeing so many people to the point she feels unsafe about your sexual health?

What's the real problem here?

We have been together for 3 years, and poly for the past year. We lived together 2.5 years of 3 we have been together.

As for the communication: I wanted to talk about things but she didn't want to hear about things. I didn't feel comfortable not sharing things... I made a thread on here a few months ago about it. But yeah, So it was more of a "Please ask and I will tell" situation... I would talk to her every few weeks to try and keep her updated on things, making sure she knew the basics, If I liked someone, if relationships were developing, etc... but that only works so well. A while ago she started asking more so I started sharing more and she got a bit overwhelmed.

Yes we are both poly. She is the one that introduced me and our relationship to poly actually. She does not have others at this moment.

Sexual health is not a risk in the situation we are in.
 
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