Question for those in a monogamous relationship when ENM was first floated as an idea

[Chantry]

Hey Chantry and Guardian,

Neither of you were derailing this thread. Sharing experiences is what we are all about.

I agree that trying to date as a couple, to find that pesky unicorn, is very common with couples new to poly. It seems to make sense at first, from a couple-centric POV, but it is almost doomed to fail. There are dozens of threads here about triads (the preferred term over throuple) that went wrong.

My ex h and I tried this route back 20+ years ago, and we had a common experience. We found a woman who said she'd be into it, but really, she wasn't into women, and just said she was to get my h and hook him. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was the end of our marriage (which had other problems). 8 years after they met, he and I split. They are still together and mono (he wasn't actually poly, turned out). I've been poly ever since. I now have 2 long-term stable relationships with a partner of each sex. They are only friends with each other, and both have other partners of their own (our "poly network").

Hello Magdlyn,

Yeah we understand that,. The difference is I KNOW I'm more poly. My first time and first "relationship" was with two women for a few months and I was happy. They taught me all about sex and pleasing a woman. It ended because they were more into each other than me. after a time. Ever since then, I have just been TOO much for one woman. Of course, this shaped my "love map" in a different way. I've never truly had a chance to happily explore that, until now.

My current relationship also agrees that I am just too much for her. My love language is touch and she has sensory issues. Also, my sex drive is just too much. I am just too much for her. My experience over the years actually continually shows this. She is bisexual completely. She knows that we might find a woman who just wants me. The funny thing is, I only truly want this with her, and just her. No woman would be able to pull me away from her. That I am sure of, and that is another reason we want to try this. We also have promised each other that we must talk about all things in regards to this and if things like that start to happen, then we will have to definitely revisit that dynamic.

Its been a long arduous discussion in regards to doing this. Of course, we are being extremely careful to find that one girl that is ultimately interesting to us both. We have fairly high standards. I do not mean physically. But we both have to be attracted to her, which is not as easy as it sounds, of course.

We understand it could test our relationship in a different way, but I highly doubt it will break us apart, because of what we have already faced.

 

[GuardianNoodle]

Hey Chantry and Guardian,

Neither of you were derailing this thread. Sharing experiences is what we are all about.

I agree that trying to date as a couple, to find that pesky unicorn, is very common with couples new to poly. It seems to make sense at first, from a couple-centric POV, but it is almost doomed to fail. There are dozens of threads here about triads (the preferred term over throuple) that went wrong.

My ex h and I tried this route back 20+ years ago, and we had a common experience. We found a woman who said she'd be into it, but really, she wasn't into women, and just said she was to get my h and hook him. It wasn't the end of the world, but it was the end of our marriage (which had other problems). 8 years after they met, he and I split. They are still together and mono (he wasn't actually poly, turned out). I've been poly ever since. I now have 2 long-term stable relationships with a partner of each sex. They are only friends with each other, and both have other partners of their own (our "poly network").

Yeah. I was very clear with my partner when we started this that I was not looking to swing, for a triad, or threeways, because I had done my research and had concluded that it would not be the best for us.

 

[Magdlyn]

Hello Magdlyn,

Yeah, we understand that, The difference is I KNOW I'm more poly.

You can be poly, want to have two gfs, and not have to make all dates with the newer gf a threesome with your wife. I hear that you want this, but unless you want to wait years, even decades, to find your unicorn, or to go through the stress of thinking you and wife found the one, only to have it fizzle after a few weeks or months, over and over again, you might want to learn to detangle with your wife and become a bit more independent.

Most successful poly couples date independently. Swinging, on the other hand is much more hetero/cis/couplecentric. I mean, bi ladies are welcome, bi men not so much.

If you have a very strong libido, you can go swing and probably be very popular. If you want to love others, and wife wants to love others, long term, romantic love, all I can tell you is to date independently.

You can swing AND practice poly, but not with the same people. Swing with swingers and date poly women. You can date straight or bi women who are attracted to you, but don't want to be an add-on to a couple. Really, what's in it for a unicorn? You think it would be great, but what kind of security does it offer a single woman to get with an already established couple?

My first time and first "relationship" was with two women, for a few months. I was happy. They taught me all about sex and pleasing a woman. It ended because they were more into each other than me, after a time.

Yes, they always end, and usually pretty quickly. Of course, a FMF threesome is the top hetero male fantasy, but it's best left in fantasy land.

Ever since then I have just been TOO much for one woman.

My bf has a very high libido. Luckily, I do too. But just the same, he does date others (independently). No one he's tried has become a long-term runner yet, but he's been having fun getting to know people, dating, texting a lot, having sex. He is a great guy and I wish him well. I have no desire to date "his" dates. I have my own gf. In fact, I don't even want to meet anyone he is dating until they've been solidly dating a good say, six months or so. It's just a waste of my energy.

Of course, this shaped my "love map" in a different way. I never truly had a chance to happily explore that until now.

My current relationship also agrees that I am just too much for her. My love language is touch, and she has sensory issues. My sex drive is just too much. I am just too much for her. My experience over the years continually shows this.

Sure. Therefore, a gf would be great for YOU. Why would she want two lovers though, if she can't even match your need for touch and sex? It seems to me you'd get less sex from her if she was having sex with a new gf...

She is bi-sexual completely. She knows that we might find a woman who just wants me. The funny thing is, I only truly want this with her, and just her. No woman would be able to pull me away from her. I am sure of that.

Life is about change. Good luck.

It's been a long arduous discussion in regards to doing this. Of course we are being extremely careful to find that one girl that is ultimately interesting to us both. We have fairly high standards. I do not mean physically. But we both have to be attracted to her, which is not as easy as it sounds, of course.

Right. And she has to be attracted, physically and emotionally, to you both equally. This is practically impossible. Otherwise we wouldn't call the mythical hot bi babe a unicorn, we'd call her a bunny or a zebra or something. lol

 

[SquishyHusk]

My wife and I didn't go looking for a unicorn. The unicorn came to us. We weren't even thinking about a poly situation, but when my wife's friend brought up the idea, my wife started thinking that it sounded like a good idea. Then she brought the idea to me.

It's not all rainbows, though. The two women are having a great time, but I'm having trouble with how much time and attention it takes. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just have a V, or for me to stay monogamous. The women don't want that, though. They love having "the best of both worlds."

 

[Bobbi]

My wife and I didn't go looking for a unicorn. The unicorn came to us. We weren't even thinking about a poly situation, but when my wife's friend brought up the idea, my wife started thinking that it sounded like a good idea. Then she brought the idea to me.
It's not all rainbows, though. The two women are having a great time, but I'm having trouble with how much time and attention it takes. Sometimes I think it would be easier to just have a V, or for me to stay monogamous. The women don't want that, though. They love having "the best of both worlds."

You can bow out of your part of the triad. You can be monogamous with your wife, while she has relationships with both of you. If you choose, you can also be a third sexually, occasionally. They have NO SAY in if you choose to participate in a triad with them or not. It’s your choice. If the “friend” wants the best of both worlds, relationship-wise, then she can go create her own V with another man.

 

[JaneQSmythe]

But finding those that are unattached and wanting to join one is not as easy as it sounds.

Why does she have to be unattached? (You aren't.)

What if she is also "too much" for her partner(s) and needs more?

 

[Sunshine79]

I usually try to read through answers and see if any are similar and I can piggyback, but in this case perhaps all you want is individual experience, so I'll just start there.

Conversations around our journey started several years ago, before we had any words to define things. We didn't know the term ENM at all. We didn't have a handbook or a "how to." It started for us at the very beginning, with complete transparency and openness with discussion of previous relationships, prior loves, details about sexual experiences we had before meeting each other, feels *I* still felt for many men from my past. For better or for worse, I went into my marriage fully believing there was nothing but safety in sharing my whole heart and soul. (Arguably this was something my husband struggled with for many years, but we have made it out alive and thriving.)

So. Our relationship was already emotionally and communicationally VERY strong, in every area, including sex, which sometimes is tough.

My SO brought up the actual DOING of it by floating a sexual fantasy of his to share me with another man in a threesome. Admittedly, the very beginning was purely sexual. It wasn't about feelings or having actual relationships outside of each other. It was just about sex.

When we finally DID the opening up, it wasn't actually my husband's fantasy that we started with. We learned later (from podcasts and a few other ENM folk) that we "jumped straight into the deep end," by exploring sex with other people completely independently. My husband was very clear that he wasn't in it for any feelings that weren't strictly physical. I knew all along my sexual buttons are mainly pushed by emotional connections, so I didn't really have any pretense that I'd be physical without being emotionally connected.

And we navigated all that, like weird-ass baby deer teetering on wobbly legs for many months (maybe even still today, if I'm honest, haha).

The initial DESIRE to open things up and the continued reason for remaining open has NEVER felt like betrayal. For both of us it includes these things:

1. I do not own you. You are your own person and have autonomy over your body.
2. I want you to be happy. Your happiness is MY happiness (truly).
3. I still want to be chosen by you and I still want to be your favorite.


These things sort of set a basic tone for us, even today. And listen. That #3 above? For us, our sexual chemistry and LIFE-DOING chemistry (which is anything but sexy most of the time) have grown exponentially by opening our marriage. It is pretty fucking hot when we sit down and realize we have multiple options (many of them very good) and we still want each other the most. Even hotter is every time we renew the strength of our connection and the fact that we really ARE (forgive the cliche) made for each other. Arguably, we've put in the work. And I fully believe there is a strong spiritual current that connected us well before we ever met. (Don't feel you need to agree or even go there, but that's my reality.)

We've done counseling with more than one therapist versed in the ENM world and have been told we're unusual in how well and healthily we seem to be navigating this, and I say this as a precursor to another hard truth: we've both FELT every single difficult, cringy, gross, prickly feeling that CAN come with the complications of sex and relationships with multiple people at the same time. Rage. Jealousy. Loneliness. Unworthiness. Questioning. Fear. Confusion. Hurt. Etc. Etc. Etc.

We're all human. No one is immune from everything that comes with being human. BUT - there's definitely a way to navigate all of that and still thrive.

Love and hugs to you and your journey.

 

[Magdlyn]

We learned later (from podcasts and a few other ENM folk) that we "jumped straight into the deep end," by exploring sex with other people completely independently.

That's the most wise way to do it! I don't think it's any more "deep end" that trying to do a fucked-up triad of some kind.

 

[Sunshine79]

That's the most wise way to do it! I don't think it's any more "deep end" that trying to do a fucked-up triad of some kind.

Yeah. I think in the capacity and crowd we initially sort of found ourselves in, most did “soft swapping” and or traditional “swinging” first.

We have never identified as swingers and don’t even really tend to fit in with that crowd.