Oft' Overlooked Punk
I suddenly remember why I don't blog - I am completely irresponsible about keeping it up. However, I think it's good for my soul, so I'm going to try to maintain this one. However, I think I'm going to abandon the retro catch-up template. I'm pretty sure y'all probably know enough to get where I'm coming from by now.
However, I realized as I was reading over what I'd previously written that I haven't hardly mentioned Punk at all so far. I think it's probably because our relationship is realigning itself a bit over the last couple months, and he's not quite as present in my life as he used to be.
It took about a year of being with Fly before I was ready to try being with other people. My first was a man I had met at a meet-and-greet at a Whole Foods wine tasting that was organized by an adult yahoo mailing list that my boyfriend had asked me to join. At this point, I wasn't really in any category except non-monogamous - open, swinger, poly, none of those words really fit yet. Anyway, Dashing (he's quite a charmer, dapper man) was about 20 years older than me, and was a lovely second man. We saw (slept with) each other for several months, before I broke it off because he really wanted a woman to be half of a swinger couple, and I just wasn't interested. The whole swinger scene doesn't match me; I get turned off by how couple-centric it is, and I also felt like women were very much treated like the possessions of their men. Dashing actually just found my OKCupid profile last week, I was a bit tickled to hear from him again.
After that, I sort of dabbled a bit, and ended up with a series of FWB. One was a couple who I originally became entangled with the girlfriend, but later became closer to the guy when she turned out to be batshit crazy. Another was this boy who really wanted me to leave my boyfriend and elope with him. Anyway, all of them were based primarily on sex and friendship, and with all of them, the sex fizzled and the friendship remained. I'm still in touch with almost all of them on a regular basis through text and facebook.
I am a lazy polyamorist. I have a profile on OKCupid, but I never check out other people's profiles, and I rarely respond to people who message me. I mostly just take the quizzes.
However, almost a year ago, Punk sent me a message, and he was funny and sweet, and had clearly read my profile and paid attention. We bonded over a shared quest for the perfect luggage to suit our travel needs. We're dorks like that.
Punk is 40, and in an open, polyamorous marriage for about 10 years. He has a daughter who was conceived in a poly triad situation, because his wife is unable to bear children. His wife is into BDSM, and has 2-3 boyfriends and a variety of play/scene partners. Punk, on the other hand, is relatively vanilla. We clicked almost immediately, and our first date was coffee at Starbucks, which migrated to a local bar once the Starbucks closed. We spent hours chatting and flirting, and he finished the evening by leading me out into the foggy parking lot at 2 AM, and pressing me against the car for an intense makeout session. Yuuuummmmmy.
We settled into a routine of spending at least one night a week together, occasionally two. He was the first truly polyamorous relationship I had been in. I met his wife and one of her boyfriends on our second date, and also his daughter. I was slightly surprised by this, as Fly and I don't let anyone spend time around our kiddo, and don't until we've gotten to know someone quite well over a significant amount of time. Punk and his wife don't seem to have any problems being affectionate with their various lovers in front of her, however, and it seems to work for them.
Punk and I quickly discovered a common love of the Food Network, movies, and Red Mango. We've spent many nights snuggled on his couch, watching Chopped
and mocking the contestants who cry. Punk is also the first person that I asked Fly to meet. We have sort of a DADT, or at least we did for the first few years. Fly is intensely private, and never wanted to discuss anyone he was seeing, especially since he doesn't build relationships with other people. He never really wanted to know about my lovers either, but I told him anyway, because I'm an open book and I love to discuss and analyze...um...everything, really. It felt very strange, however, that I knew Punk's wife and was welcome in his home, and that wasn't true for mine. Once Fly realized how important it was to me, he agreed to a quick hello one evening when Punk came to pick me up for a date. It was a very casual interaction, but monumental as far as a bit of a turning point for Fly and me.
I'm not quite sure what Punk and I have at this point. There's definitely love and affection, and attraction, but we've definitely become more distant over the last few months, for a variety of reasons. I find Punk's wife to be self-centered and controlling, and feel like his whole life revolves around his. His availability is completely dictated by her schedule, and their life together is arranged solely to appease her. It frustrates me to no end. Additionally, he's been traveling a lot for work, which adds to the logistical difficulties. And, the most challenging piece is that we have no privacy anymore. His wife invited some down-on-their-luck friends to move in with them. Every time Punk and I hang out at his house now, they're in our face, watching tv with us, hovering in the background, wandering in and out of the room when we're talking or trying to be intimate. I also think the woman in the couple would like to develop something with Punk, and I don't care if they do except that I resent her horning in on my already limited time with him. She f*cking LIVES with him, surely there's another moment of the day she could get her flirt on besides during our
date. Grr. Punk would lay down the law, so to speak, but it would anger his wife, and he's pretty under her thumb.
My house doesn't work either, because Fly and I have some agreements in place that I choose to respect. We've decided that neither of us will have sex (including major making out) in the house while the other person or the kiddo is home (even if they're asleep). Also, we've agreed to not show physical affection to another partner in front of kiddo, unless and until we have a specific discussion and agreement in place regarding a particular person. Not being able to kiss, cuddle, or nuzzle on a date isn't much fun. And although we love going out to dinner or a movie, we see each other so infrequently that it's hard to connect in public the way we do in private.
So, for now, we're more lover-friends who see each other occasionally and text occasionally, when it's easy to do so. There are still a lot of good feelings between us, but we're taking on a different role in each other's lives than we had during the last 10 months or so.