Reading recommendations for control issues


Active member
Hi all,

Any suggestions for books or websites specifically addressing working my way through a control issue I've discovered within myself that I want to solve?

The summary of the issue (reposted from my blog) is this:

...the basic issue being, to summarize, that I have a control-related flaw probably stemming from an alcoholic childhood environment that expresses itself as a heightened negative emotional response to things related to my partner's other relationships that I can't know in advance, which is most often triggered when someone is pursuing him (thus meaning he can't apprise me beforehand of moves being made).

Basically, I have a burning need to know stuff, preferably before it happens, or I become more easily unbalanced when small problems or jealousies arise. And if most of the moves are being made by the other person, I can't know them before they happen. And then the situation feels unsafe to me, even if logically I know that it is not. This is a big problem, because my partner really LIKES to be pursued—so I want to solve this within me rather than ask him not to have something he likes.

Related lengthy posts examining the issue are here: #636, #637, and #640. Related example of my emotional overreaction to a relatively small issue when it falls into this category can be found here.

But you probably don't need to read all of that to provide a list of resources that relate to the issue as summarized. I tend to be a little verbose. :p


Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi Reverie,

All I can think to suggest is Brené Brown: the Power of Vulnerability ... that and the obvious route of googling "control issues" which you may have already tried.

Being aware of the problem is the first step. :)


New member
I have tons of control issues.
To deal with it, one of the things I do is explore buddhism - because I found that telling myself the need for control is stupid and needs to be eradicated, did not help much. I especially love Tara Brach's books and videos because she is not 'just'a buddhist but also a very down to earth psychologist - with a sense of hunour.
This is one of my favorite videos on the subject (text summary in link):


Active member
Thank you, Cleo. That sounds like a good idea. I've thought about exploring Buddhism before simply because I have a super-tough time being in the moment instead of casting forward into the future. Maybe I've now accumulated enough reasons to actually go for it!


New member
I really appreciate seeing this thread, as I struggle with similar issues. I'll have to check out the resources you all have posted.