Reclaiming Myself

Slut

New member
Hi Everyone :)

I am living with my boyfriend of three and a half years. When our relationship began I was very straight forward with him about the fact that I did not want to be monogamous. He said he was ok with this. However every time I was intimate with other people he would become very upset. It was upsetting for me to deal with this every time, so I stopped seeing other people. My boyfriend has not been with anyone else during our relationship.
Currently we have a close mutual friend living with us who I have become attracted to. I brought this up with my bf and we started a dialogue.
Though I think I've always known inside of myself that I am not a monoamorous being, I grew up in a very small, conservative town and wasn't exposed to much else. I proceeded to enter unhealthy relationships with possessive, controlling men that provided very little or no space to explore alternative relationship styles.
We are now at a spot where we are both reading, researching, and learning about polyamory and ethical non-monogamy. The three of us have sat down and discussed the situation and our feelings several times now.
We read and we talk and we read and we talk and we read and... you get the point... It's been about six weeks since I first brought up the topic again.
My bf is dealing with a lot of jealousy and insecurity and our friend and I haven't slept together yet hoping that we can all get into a more comfortable space before that happens and are trying really hard to accommodate my bf's feelings. He says he wants to experience compersion but hasn't been able to so far. I guess this is common :) None of us want to jeaprodise the friendships that we have.
I'm tired.
I'm exhausted.
This is not about me sleeping with our friend. I know that whether or not that ends up happening, this is a necessary transition because I am now fully aware that I am not comfortable being in a monogamous relationship, and won't be, and won't be able to pretend like I'm ok trying to be.
I'm just looking for some general support through this experience. I'm tired of patriarchal mononormativity and colonialist ideals constantly being shoved down my throat all around me. I'm tired of people reacting to polyamory like a perverted sexual fetish. I'm tired of feeling like my emotions are less valid because what I want goes against the societal norm.
Basically, I just want to feel a little less crazy!
Thank you :)
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Greetings Slut,
Welcome to our forum. Please feel free to lurk, browse, etc.

Don't worry, you are not crazy ;) Your boyfriend is fighting his own social programming, on some level he still believes that nonmonogamy is wrong, but he is trying to overcome that belief. It's nice that he wants to feel compersion, but in his subconscious I think that's a stalling tactic, as compersion isn't something we feel because we want to, it has to flow naturally on its own time frame. Some people never feel compersion at all ... That doesn't mean they can't tolerate polyamory in their life.

But maybe your boyfriend can't tolerate it, maybe he is exclusively hardwired for monoamory/monogamy. Only he can determine that, and maybe he's trying to determine that right now. You must let him come to his own conclusion, don't push poly too hard. The thing is, if you're hardwired for poly (and it sounds like you are), the two of you may be incompatible and maybe you'll have to (hopefully amicably) break up. But let's not cross that bridge unless/until we get there.

Anyway, I hope Polyamory.com proves to be a source of support and relief for you. Let us know anytime you have questions or concerns; we'll try to help.

Sincerely,
Kevin T., "official greeter" :)

Notes:

There's a *lot* of good info in Golden Nuggets. Have a look!

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Welcome aboard!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Ach, that's a tough one. Living with a guy you have a crush on! It's so "in your face" for your bf. Even though you aren't fucking the roommate, you might as well be...

Proximity can make feelings arise that would fade if you weren't together so much.

There are a number of ways you could deal with this specific situation. But in general, you sound like you're constantly selling yourself short, and bowing to the patriarchy, and monogamous default, despite your strong feelings against it.

It sounds like you'd be better off living independently, and dating poly friendly men instead. What is the holdup?
 

Lea

New member
Popping in to say hi, welcome to the forum, and hope you find the resources your need as well. I've concluded that I can't be monogamous either and I don't think I could live that way anymore.

You definitely have to be true to yourself, but lots of respect for how you've been working to be patient with your bf.
 

Slut

New member
Hi All!

Thank you for your responses and greetings.

Kevin, thank you for reminding me to be gentle with my bf and thanks for thinking I'm not crazy ;)
You're saying that some people can tolerate polyamory but don't feel compersion? If you're simply tolerating something, wouldn't that mean that you're not actually ok with it? As far as being hardwired, I'm also wondering what that means? Like a genetic predisposition, or does it still really all come down to programming? You're right, we might not be suited for each other in the long run, and if we do cross that bridge, I also hope it will be a consious uncoupling rather than a venomous breakup.


Magdlyn, yes, all in his face:) pretty tough. But maybe that's what it finally took for us to reach this growth spurt?
Thank you for reminding me to honour myself and not sell myself short. As far as living on my own, I have in the past and may in the future, but at this time it doesn't seem to be in the cards. For various reasons. One of them being that I don't feel like living on my own right now. I like creating things with someone else and building something together. It's also forcing me into a lot of personal growth that would have been much more easily avoided on my own. So far my bf has shown me that he wants to grow and learn along with me. If he changes his mind and becomes totally resistant to change and obviously against my beliefs and values, then I'll think much harder about terminating this relationship. Right now it feels like we are both learning from each other.

Thanks for the encouragement Lea!
 

eklctc

New member
Welcome.

You have come to the right knowledgeable, embracing forum to share your thoughts.

It's hard to break from conditioning, especially, when someone starts to consider something they really hadn't before like your boyfriend. Many people are okay with the idea of non-monogamy until it becomes a reality. I think counseling for self-growth with an alternative therapist would be helpful.

It's also tough attempting to make something work that seems to try to force you to shave off parts of who you are.

Hopefully, your boyfriend will seek the help he needs to work through his relationship perspective, he will be able to clearly express what he truly wants so that he can be fulfilled, and you can be in a relationship that fits your relationship perspective. At the end of everything, it's really about being honest with oneself about desires, limits, and perspectives.
 
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