"Red Flags" - Warning Signs in Relationships

lola

New member
Since I'm really pretty new to Poly, I was wondering what, if any, "red flags" the more experienced members might have found along their travels.

What are some warning signs you've seen that you now know might be telling you to look more closely at things.

Finding out someone is not telling their OSO about a relationship with you is surely one that I've experienced, just as an example.

Others?
 

Fidelia

New member
There is a lot of discussion on this already present on the boards here. Do a search for the word "flag." ("Red" is too short and will be removed.) You'll find several useful posts concerning issues other polyfolk have faced.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
Here is a search I did by typing "red flags" (quotes and all) into the Search field with "Show Threads" checked off.

You can modify this by selecting "Show Posts" and/or by choosing Tag Search (in which case it will only pull up threads that have been TAGGED with your chosen search-terminology) or Advanced Search (which will bring up a whole other window with all sorts of ways to refine your search terminology).

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/search.php?searchid=21176

When looking at the results, the terms you searched for will be highlighted in bold red (not to be confused with "red flags";)).
 

lola

New member
tks

Thanks for the lesson on the search feature. :D

Will have to see if I can find what I'm looking for...too bad there's not a list somewhere. ;)
 

lola

New member
Well, I am starting a list for my own use. Might take some time and work, but it will be a useful resource, imho.

Were there more references available, perhaps we could help not only ourselves, but humanity in general. Those adventurers in Poly who have written things for us are appreciated for putting something out there to help the rest of us.

Just because it doesn't exist doesn't mean it shouldn't or couldn't. ;)
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
This a good idea Lola..A thread that only has short descriptions and links to previous posts and discussions...hmmmm.

There would be links to threads based on content as well as tags. It would require some reading and personal assumptions of what is a good learning thread.....wheels turning..
 

Fidelia

New member
One big red flag for me in relationships of any kind is when a person is saying one thing but doing another.

And when somebody's words and actions do not agree, you can trust that their ACTIONS are the truth. We can SAY anything, but our actions reveal our hearts.
 

NeonKaos

Custodian
Just because it doesn't exist doesn't mean it shouldn't or couldn't. ;)

I didn't say that, did I?

It just USUALLY seems like people want someone ELSE to make it so and then serve it to them with breakfast in bed, whipped cream, and a cherry.

Not YOU of course. That much is clear!
 
C

Ceoli

Guest
Not much time at the moment, but I also like the idea of a collated list. Here are some of mine

- Partners with a "don't ask don't tell" policy with their other partners. This tells me someone in the equation is trying to protect their jealousy rather than deal with it.

- Hetero couples with no practical experience in polyamory who search for a bi woman for a very specific poly-fi triad because they "just have so much love to share". Bonus points if the female member of the couple is bi-curious with no experience with women.

Gotta get ready for a job interview now...I'll have some more later.
 

lola

New member
I didn't say that, did I?

It just USUALLY seems like people want someone ELSE to make it so and then serve it to them with breakfast in bed, whipped cream, and a cherry.

Not YOU of course. That much is clear!

I hear you. :D But breakfast in bed is sounding kind of cool. ;)
 

lola

New member
One big red flag for me in relationships of any kind is when a person is saying one thing but doing another.

And when somebody's words and actions do not agree, you can trust that their ACTIONS are the truth. We can SAY anything, but our actions reveal our hearts.

Great! Added to the list. :D
 

lola

New member
N
- Partners with a "don't ask don't tell" policy with their other partners. This tells me someone in the equation is trying to protect their jealousy rather than deal with it.

- Hetero couples with no practical experience in polyamory who search for a bi woman for a very specific poly-fi triad because they "just have so much love to share". Bonus points if the female member of the couple is bi-curious with no experience with women.

Thanks! Hot Bi-Babe seekers added to the list. ;)
 

LovingRadiance

Active member
Anyone who says "I'm too jealous for".
I find that if they say that once it's a good sign they have undealt with baggage hiding in there.

I second Ceoli's "don't ask, don't tell" one. If we can't be friend-you don't need to have my husbands cock in you. PERIOD. Likewise-if you can't be friend with him, you have no need to have yours in me or whatever (I'm bi-but you get the picture).

Anyone who sends naked pictures to me before having a few GOOD, SERIOUS INFORMATIVE conversations.

Anyone who says they want a specified dynamic *such as a triad or quad* up front. Sure-I'd LOVE a quad (in a V right now). But that isn't POSSIBLE without RELATIONSHIP and relationships can't be created to meet a design (imho). If a relationship develops (friendship is a relationship in this conversation) the we can see if it will work in the "family" in some way.

People who hate all their ex's.

People who say "(S)he did blah blah blah" when describing why their last relationship ended instead of saying "we or I"....


off the top of my head (too much time on my hands at the moment).
 

alaskababe

New member
Red Flags

A red flag to me is someone who cant talk about their feelings honestly. No matter what the subject is, they should be able to talk about how they feel even if you disagree with each other. Sometimes you will never agree but at least you can have a discussion about a touchy subject with love and caring for each others feelings.

I totally agree: someone who says one thing and does another. Someone who isnt honest about little things in their life, will not be able to be honest about the larger parts of life.

The biggest red flag is your gut feeling when starting a relationship with someone new. If you have a nagging feeling that something is off but continue anyway. Never doubt your instincts for other person's real intent. This has protected and saved me more than once from pain.:cool:
 

alaskababe

New member
White Flags!!

Just read the part from Loving Radiance about hating your ex's. So true.
I am still friends with my first boyfriend and husband and several lovers from my past. I never let go of the men who meant a lot to me. They dont seem to want to let go of me either. That is a big WHITE FLAG! OK, I just made that name up for a good indication of a great relationship!:D
 

Winterfire

New member
- Hetero couples with no practical experience in polyamory who search for a bi woman for a very specific poly-fi triad because they "just have so much love to share". Bonus points if the female member of the couple is bi-curious with no experience with women.

That one is pretty much how my husband and I started out. I was fairly hesitant about the idea of being poly, and my husband kind of pushed me on it (which in itself is a red flag sort of thing to watch for, that everyone isn't quite on the same page). Things didn't turn out like he'd intended. After some time passed, the woman we were dating decided she wanted a romantic relationship with me only. She and I are still dating, and he's trying to figure things out now once he adapted to that new dynamic.
 
Top