Redpepper's journey


Active member
I have been on here for about 15 months and written many many posts and threads and have never written a blog about what my journey has been. I am finding lately that I am in need of a place to vent, get things out and enjoy the fruits that occur when one journals...

I will take the time to post links to things that are most important to me that I have written, but for now this is a start.
where I began, in a nutshell

I always had a lot of lovers and friends-with-benefits growing up and I just thought that was dating. I didn't tell each of them about each other because I didn't see a need to. At some point, I realized that my not telling everyone about each other was hurting them, and I was surprised. I kept at it, but would just make sure everyone knew I was a free spirit... well, a slut, really. :D

I decided to settle into several long-term relationships with men and even agreed to marry one of them. I didn't in the end. He dumped me. :eek: I became a serial monogamist. That didn't work out, as I fell in love with a woman and realized that perhaps I was a lesbian.

I left men for good at age 21 and decided that my time and energy were better spent in the women's community. For about 10 years I loved and dated women; two women in particular, one of which I committed to in a marriage arrangement. I now call her my ex-wife.

My ex-wife and I decided to be non-monogamous, as I was involved with queer women in the BDSM scene and we thought perhaps it would make our relationship better. Turns out this meant that I would invite a man into our life and bed. This arrangement was exciting, but when it came down to it, she decided that she was monogamous and that she wanted to travel and continue school and I wanted to settle into parenthood and buying a house. She is still a big part of my life and that of my child's.

That man and I married and he is now my husband, Poly Nerdist. We have one boy child, a house, jobs and have been married in a poly relationship for 9 years. He identifies as bisexual and I identify as pansexual. Together we have journeyed together through many poly/swinging/open situations and dynamics and have ended up so far with identifying as poly exclusively after a long journey. This may change, but for now this is where we are at.

My husband has two lovers that are very distant in his life at the moment. One man and one woman (rolypoly). He seeks someone more committed to him and available, but it just hasn't happened yet.

I have a boyfriend primary of 18 months, who is MonoVCPHG on this forum. He identifies as monogamous, straight and vanilla in all things BDSM (although the latter is not so true anymore ;)). I also have a girlfriend secondary, who is Derbylicious on this site. She is married and has two kids. We have been together for about three or four months now, and are slowly working on how our lives might fit together. I have a non-sexual boyfriend (NSB) that I see once a month, and a tertiary that I see as often as I can these days, as he is going through a divorce and has a mono girlfriend to negotiate with.

Lastly, I have a D/s life that I am getting more and more connected to and identify more and more with. I consider myself a Mistress and take that role in Mono's life, as well as with an online man I have acquired and a woman in my poly community with whom I am just beginning to negotiate. This identity is more and more attractive to me, but it interrupts my daily life at this point, and I find myself kept at bay from living it 24/7.

So, this is me, so far. More to come. Thanks for reading. (Actually I am thankful for writing, really. Feels good! :))
This is where I am at today.

I feel very raw today. I have had a rough week. It feels like Nerdist and I have gone backwards. He is struggling with the possible and seeming end of one of his relationships and is angry, sad, depressed and unable to cope lately.

Everything seems to be on hold again, towards something that works better for me. I am trying to keep calm, patient and in check where my emotions and needs are, but I have blown. I threw a box of Band-Aids and stormed out this weekend, saying that I couldn't stand it any more, or something.

Mono has a hard time watching us fight. He takes it on and gets concerned that our primary relationship is not doing well and therefore his place within our lives is not safe. I feel for him, but get quite concerned and upset when he then gets angry and frustrated at me about it. I need support and sometimes I just get more arguments. Luckily, I remember from past experiences that this is what is going on for him and am patient. I wait for him to tell me that he is just concerned for me and Nerdist. Apologies follow, and then we are able to talk about what is going on.

I honestly thought I was done this week. I really thought there was nothing left for me to give and hold onto with Nerdist. He has not been available to me for a while now, and when that happens I am unable to hold my connection and then I don't see the point in staying.

Nerdist thought also that we were disconnected and blamed it all on me. This was entirely unfair, as I make myself available, but it isn't enough for him. He has been considering the fact that he prefers monogamy, because then his partner would be around more. The fact is. I have never been the stay-at-home type he is. I reminded him that I have always been busy and actively pursuing my life the whole time I have been with him. What's changed now?

I see our lives as trampolines. We each have springs that are held by certain people. Each person holds a spring to several springs to tens of springs and so on. When we bounce to much on one side of the trampoline, the springs on the other side can come out, if the person who holds those springs is unable to hang on, that is. If they hold many springs, then there are others that hold them onto the trampoline. Once those springs are gone, then others around them move in to take their place, or they are replaced by another person.

So using this idea of a trampoline, I have felt for some time that Nerdist has been bouncing on the other side of his trampoline and I have been left straining to hang onto my end. It makes me resentful and I eventually have let go of some springs. In turn, I have been bouncing on the other end of my trampoline from Nerdist as a result and he has let go of some of mine due to similar factors. We were bouncing off in different directions, essentially.

This weekend we have gotten to the bottom of some of what is holding us back. I had a hard time with his NRE over roly and he is unable to accept that the next step in my relationship with Mono is that he move into our basement suite and we open the house up for all of us to use. I would have my own room down there.

The longer I wait for this move to happen, or not, depending on Nerdist's feelings, the more trapped and angry I feel. I am asking a lot. I know that. He has given so much already. I have given also, in terms of patience. I have waited while the whole idea has been on hold during his NRE. This was the last wait. Now our current tenants are completely out of hand, with cops showing up every night and loudness. I am losing my patience and my mind at this point. Yet I wait.

I know I ask a lot. I know he has also given, in terms of time to get to know Mono and be his friend. He doesn't see how he will benefit from this kind of move, at all. I have explained that he will benefit because I will be happier. I have never liked living two lives, one with Mono and one with my family. I spend two nights a week at my Other Home (OH) and numerous afternoons after work every week. I don't like being away from my boy (especially with the uproar from downstairs right now) and I don't like being at home knowing Mono is at the OH alone. I don't like any of it! I like having them all together. That is when I feel complete. That is what makes everyone but Nerdist happy. He apparently doesn't feel anything when we are all together. Even my boy is on the "Mono living with us" bandwagon now. After all, we have changed our will for him to be the boy's caregiver if we die. He gets the house to raise him in.

Sigh.... this is where I am tonight.
Wow. :( It sounds like you're shoveling a lot of shit right now. I know it takes a lot of fertilizer to grow a beautiful garden, but DAMN!

I realize these posts are mostly a journal for you, and I hope I'm not offending by chiming in. I just wanted you to know you are being heard and cared about. Thanks for sharing who you are and where you're at.

Oh! One more thing: the cops show up every night because of the downstairs tenants? AWW HELL NO!

If you have a lease with them, they're breaking it by making it impossible for you to enjoy peaceful possession of your home. Get 'em out! And regaining the peace on the property might go a long way toward helping your family gain some peace of mind. Really.
I don't mind people writing here. :) Thanks for the support.

The tenant's mum has been away and he turned 19 over the weekend. I'm sure it will calm down now she's home.
Thanks for the walk and talk

Chin up, Sunshine. We'll all get where we need to be healthy and we'll support each other in the process. I love you. :)
Mono, Nerdist & Derby aren't the only ones who love you, ya know.

We've never met, but I do love the person I know on here :) as someone I can like and respect.

These hurdles will be overcome with love and patience.

Thanks for the vote of confidence, Mono, my love. :)

I wrote to Nerdist this morning to suggest that we back right up to my not having Mono be a part of our lives at all. I could remain at my OH and at home and carry on as is, with two lives. I think that we would have to do this slowly for our boy's sake, no more sleepovers, no more pick-ups from school, no more babysitting by Mono, and no spending time at our house when anyone is there but me. Just as it was in the beginning. I thought that might help him find the path that works best for him, that is not self-sacrificing and giving too much of himself. I also added that I didn't know what it would do to my relationship with him, but suspected it would make my connection to him less. That is something I know he doesn't want, and neither do I.

He was very upset with this idea. He loves having Mono around and being part of our lives. He just doesn't know how he will feel about living with him and knowing we are intimate and have a life together outside of him.

I told him we could take it one day at a time and that I can wait longer.

I also told him that I can't handle him saying "Let's have Mono move in on December 1st" as he just said this weekend and then decide he didn't want that after finding out we had sex on our couch. I am struggling with the repercussions of that emotional rollercoaster now and that is too hard for me. Instead, and in order to protect myself, I have told him he needs to work on this stuff alone. I will not continue to assume that it will work out to be what's best for me.

I am beginning the task of figuring out what I am going to do if it doesn't work out that Mono moves in. The fact of the matter is that I have a child to consider and his best interest is that I am happy, his dad is happy and that we stay friendly and loving. I think I need to wear my big girl panties, suck it up, plaster a smile on my face and take a door out when it comes up if this doesn't get better. That could mean leaving and getting my own place at some point, in order for me to be with them both.

In the meantime Derby's husband is home. I'm so glad she is taken care of and I am not in the way of her needs being met also.

*tear* :(
RedPepper, it seems that you have a lot on your plate right now. My dh is the "king of volunteering" (my term) and sometimes he just gets too involved without even realizing it. It takes takes a toll on him physically and emotionally and it usually takes some huge fights for me to get the point across that the rest of us are paying the price.

He is a person that likes to be busy and needs to be needed, so when people ask him to help, he jumps, not realizing that he just added a 5th day of not being at home with his family. I would just get pissy and say that I hate whatever organization is stealing his time, which of course offended him, because he thought he was doing this for our kids. Only the kids were upset, because he was never around. Now we have to have the rule that if he takes on something new, he has to give something else up until he can rearrange a new balance.

The homebodies (like me) need those busy people to get us out of the house. But the busy people also need the homebodies to keep them balanced and not over-extending themselves.
Thanks for sharing, Redpepper. It is amazing how healing a journal can be, and posting it publicly and receiving feedback and encouragement just enhances the benefits, in my opinion.

Have you and Nerdist ever lived separately in the 9 years you have been together? If not, have you ever had a break from the day-to-day living-together arrangement for more than 2 weeks at a time? If so, how did that time apart affect your relationship and your connection with one another?
I think I need to wear my big girl panties, suck it up, plaster a smile on my face and take a door out when it comes up if this doesn't get better. That could mean leaving and getting my own place at some point in order for me to be with them both.

I support you in this, although I hope that you can find a way to suck it up and still get what you want at some point further down the line. There are so many people who think that their romantic/sex lives should not have to take a back seat to their children's well-being when they can't have it all, but just because you can't have it all RIGHT NOW doesn't mean you are sacrificing your long-term happiness by doing what's right, RIGHT NOW.
May I offer you up some of your own advice here? "Go at the speed of the slowest person." Yes, you and Mono have been dating for over a year, but this particular situation must be incredibly new to Nerdist.

Obviously, I cannot possibly understand all of the dynamics which come into play here, but 20 months is arguably not very long for someone to become a part of your life in a permanent way, let alone move in with you and an already established family dynamic.

I'd give Nerdist some time, not backing away from Mono, but simply letting the chips settle post Rolypoly, with your new relationship with Derby, and the idea of Mono moving in. You don't need to set a date on which things should be settled. Setting a timeline creates pressure, something that can be inhibiting for trust building. So long as things are discussed and not dropped, while also giving time for each other to breathe and process, I think it is entirely reasonable.

There is a lot going on for you, don't you think? Maybe sit with it for a while?