=]Feeling good in this moment. First long moment in a very long time. It lasted seven hours. A record in the last couple of monthes. Going to sleep with a smile and some peace.
He thought it strange to be entertaining the thought of monogamy with someone under my circumstance.
I don't actually feel like what you suggest any more. I don't want to be at the helm of anyone's life but my own. Why? Because I suck at relationships right now and I don't deserve anyone. I don't expect anything and they shouldn't expect anything from me as I have nothing to give. Just hope. Not because I feel sorry for myself but because it's the truth. I don't deserve anyone and yet people are here around me anyway with love and support. I feel as if I used people to get something from them. To boost myself up so I don't have to look after myself. It makes me feel ashamed and weak. I will be glad to change that.Hmm, well, RP, I think the idea of you being monogamous or celibate would seem pretty strange to anyone who has been reading your blog and all your posts in other threads for the past few years.
So, I am going to just come out and say something that I've tried to say before, in ways that are as nice and polite as possible, but it doesn't seem you really ever got the gist of my message, because you keep going back to this feeling devastated and wanting to escape from what is going on in your life somehow. But here it is in a nutshell: I think that all the turmoil you've been putting yourself through, including considering monogamy and celibacy, is simply about needing attention and to be in control. No judgment - it's just something you want. These are not bad things to admit to oneself. It just is. We`all want to feel special for some reason, especially if needing that special attention gives us a false sense of power and helps us cover up all our insecurities.
And now you feel like the attention you had from all your loves has wavered, and you are not in control of the situation anymore. That is probably what kills you more than anything, because it sure sounds like the people in your life still love and care about you just as much as they always did - but they just started directing more of their attention in other directions, at other people. But were they actually rejecting you? It didn't sound like it, but you made a pre-emptive strike and rejected them.
I, frankly, have been very surprised at how you reacted to the changes in the lives of the people you love and care about. They wanted to expand and you made it all about you. You now come across like an orphan who has been abandoned, someone suddenly bereft of love and kindness in your life. It just doesn't make sense to me that you can be stewing in such pain when you are surrounded by love and caring and honesty. As I've said before, your dream of a poly tribe was coming true, but you are upset because you are not at the helm. People are making choices and sometimes those choices don't include you. But you have so much, many people who love you - your life is so very rich. So, where is the self-love and strength I know you have?
I really hope you can open your eyes to to really see how much love you have in your life, and that you are the only one who is creating the hurt you feel and no one else. I truly hope you can work through this and get past it, Redpepper.
Well. Maybe it will come around for me too. I just hqve an appreciation for their presence in the house and for my role. It makes me feel as if I am needed as a contributing member.Romantic love die out....
I can't help but ponder-
I definitely have it with Maca and GG.
I have had times it wasn't there.
It seems to fluctuate, but it always returns.
20 years now with GG.
15 with Maca at least, if I include the first "puppy love desires"... 25 years....
I haven't been monogamous in almost 20 years. I was in my 20's when last I was mongamous. It feels uncharted to me.Haven't you already "explored monogamy"? Or is that some new, uncharted territory no one has ever navigated before?
#justwondering #captainobvious #asksthequestionsoneveryoneelsesminds
I have suggested we try monogamy. I felt that I freed up my life to be available to try monogamy. I want to try that and see if some healing can occur around his having tried out an open relationship without my knowledge or blessing. We haven't had a chance to heal and re-gain a connection from that after all.RP, I'm in no position whatsoever to judge your choices, but I did want to say, if I were Mono I'd be deeply wounded that you're willing to consider exploring monogamy now, with someone you just met on OKC no less, when it was never an option with him. Why not consider being mono with him, as he's still your lover and life partner, if you're going to consider it with anybody? It would be oddly poetic if you guys flipped the script and did the mono/poly thing in reversed roles. Maybe it would revive your bond with him. Then again, maybe it's too painful to even think about trying to do that.
Actually, Mono was in a relationship with PN and I. Not really monogamous with me at all by my account. It could be seen that way anyway. I came as a package deal for him. That package is no longer as I move into just being me and doing my thing. It's threatening for him apparently. Huge feelings going on about what his role is now in my life. He feels his responsibility is bigger. To me nothing has changed there.