Redpepper's journey
- Thread starter redpepper
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Somegeezer
New member
redpepper
Active member
Just wanted you all to know I went to my doctor and he is doing a full medical and a psych evaluation. I'm sleeping more often and eating more often and my work and home life hasn't been affected. He wasn't overly concerned because of these reasons but likes to be thorough and I am agreeing to that for now. No rush to meds it seems.
Every day I seem to be better. As long as I don't think about what everyone else is doing and how I fit into that. I am working hard to think about MY plan and MY future on my own. With others in mind.
I have been talking a lot with my monogamous friend I met on okc and he has been giving me his mono perspective which includes a bachelor pad and celebacy. I have been thinking that is an option but there are many others. All seem to lead back to something less drastic a change.
My mind is shifting slowly in moments of peace without feeling anxious, devastated and traumatized. The longer time goes on the less abandoned, out of control, out of my body, less busy in my brain. I'm getting my ability to remember things back. I feel less burnt out and over burdened, more conscious of what I do and say and see light at the end of the tunnel. It will take time, I know I keep saying that, but today is a good day and I am grateful to be alive and loving myself. I feel loved too and today that is enough. Gentle and carefully I am carrying on.
Every day I seem to be better. As long as I don't think about what everyone else is doing and how I fit into that. I am working hard to think about MY plan and MY future on my own. With others in mind.
I have been talking a lot with my monogamous friend I met on okc and he has been giving me his mono perspective which includes a bachelor pad and celebacy. I have been thinking that is an option but there are many others. All seem to lead back to something less drastic a change.
My mind is shifting slowly in moments of peace without feeling anxious, devastated and traumatized. The longer time goes on the less abandoned, out of control, out of my body, less busy in my brain. I'm getting my ability to remember things back. I feel less burnt out and over burdened, more conscious of what I do and say and see light at the end of the tunnel. It will take time, I know I keep saying that, but today is a good day and I am grateful to be alive and loving myself. I feel loved too and today that is enough. Gentle and carefully I am carrying on.
redpepper
Active member
Damn. I wrote a post last night but I see it didn't go through. Ah well. I am writing it again.
Seems my okc mono friend has bailed on me. He had a hard time with my referencing his astrological sign and had a gut feeling about getting to know me. I suspect he had a hard time with my lifestyle choices of raising LB with two men as he told me if I want to be appealing as a partner I should live alone, have joint custody of LB and be celibate for awhile. He thought it strange to be entertaining the thought of monogamy with someone under my circumstance. That being the offer of being monogamous with me but keeping our living situation here.
I don't see how his suggestions are going to benefit me or LB or the guys in any way that is better. I'm not planning on going anywhere. Dating outside of my family monogamously doesn't seem possible as far as he was concerned. I'm not attached to it, just looking at all the options. There is something not right in my life and unturning every rock to find it is important I think. He was part of the rock turning.
I'm not very upset about his saying goodbye. I liked him and we had good chat. I will miss that. It was early days yet though so I suspect the missing will peter out soon enough.
Seems my okc mono friend has bailed on me. He had a hard time with my referencing his astrological sign and had a gut feeling about getting to know me. I suspect he had a hard time with my lifestyle choices of raising LB with two men as he told me if I want to be appealing as a partner I should live alone, have joint custody of LB and be celibate for awhile. He thought it strange to be entertaining the thought of monogamy with someone under my circumstance. That being the offer of being monogamous with me but keeping our living situation here.
I don't see how his suggestions are going to benefit me or LB or the guys in any way that is better. I'm not planning on going anywhere. Dating outside of my family monogamously doesn't seem possible as far as he was concerned. I'm not attached to it, just looking at all the options. There is something not right in my life and unturning every rock to find it is important I think. He was part of the rock turning.
I'm not very upset about his saying goodbye. I liked him and we had good chat. I will miss that. It was early days yet though so I suspect the missing will peter out soon enough.
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nycindie
Active member
Hmm, well, RP, I think the idea of you being monogamous or celibate would seem pretty strange to anyone who has been reading your blog and all your posts in other threads for the past few years.
So, I am going to just come out and say something that I've tried to say before, in ways that are as nice and polite as possible, but it doesn't seem you really ever got the gist of my message, because you keep going back to this feeling devastated and wanting to escape from what is going on in your life somehow. But here it is in a nutshell: I think that all the turmoil you've been putting yourself through, including considering monogamy and celibacy, is simply about needing attention and to be in control. No judgment - it's just something you want. These are not bad things to admit to oneself. It just is. We`all want to feel special for some reason, especially if needing that special attention gives us a false sense of power and helps us cover up all our insecurities.
And now you feel like the attention you had from all your loves has wavered, and you are not in control of the situation anymore. That is probably what kills you more than anything, because it sure sounds like the people in your life still love and care about you just as much as they always did - but they just started directing more of their attention in other directions, at other people. But were they actually rejecting you? It didn't sound like it, but you made a pre-emptive strike and rejected them.
I, frankly, have been very surprised at how you reacted to the changes in the lives of the people you love and care about. They wanted to expand and you made it all about you. You now come across like an orphan who has been abandoned, someone suddenly bereft of love and kindness in your life. It just doesn't make sense to me that you can be stewing in such pain when you are surrounded by love and caring and honesty. As I've said before, your dream of a poly tribe was coming true, but you are upset because you are not at the helm. People are making choices and sometimes those choices don't include you. But you have so much, many people who love you - your life is so very rich. So, where is the self-love and strength I know you have?
I really hope you can open your eyes to to really see how much love you have in your life, and that you are the only one who is creating the hurt you feel and no one else. I truly hope you can work through this and get past it, Redpepper.
redpepper
Active member
I don't actually feel like what you suggest any more. I don't want to be at the helm of anyone's life but my own. Why? Because I suck at relationships right now and I don't deserve anyone. I don't expect anything and they shouldn't expect anything from me as I have nothing to give. Just hope. Not because I feel sorry for myself but because it's the truth. I don't deserve anyone and yet people are here around me anyway with love and support. I feel as if I used people to get something from them. To boost myself up so I don't have to look after myself. It makes me feel ashamed and weak. I will be glad to change that.
Here I stand squarely looking myself in the face and owning my shit. I'm making myself do this work. I felt it coming for a long time in the form of fear of abandonment and a need to stay busy to avoid and now I'm facing it all. For the first time since LB was born (he just turned ten), I spend huge amounts of time staring into space thinking thinking thinking. Letting all the fear wash over me. Making myself be alone and living in that fear and quiet space of doing nothing. Its a meditation of sorts.
I am wondering, in my exploring monogamy, if really I only have room to take care of me and possibly one other. To be blessed with the love and undivided attention of one and to do the same towards them seems fitting to where I am at at the moment in my life. One person to think about over me. That is reasonable no? I can still be close and friends with others and just not call them partners. Still a tribe, just different expectations in the definition of the relationships. Not as much ownership and control. Backing away from the responsibilities of being constantly in demand and on call to be present in everyone's life I am close to. The change of relationship definition could be my key to successfully looking after ME first.
There is love there in how I see my tribe and those I hold close... just not romantic love. I'm okay with that. Romantic love seems to die out anyway into friendly care and comfortableness. Why call that love something it isn't. I love my chosen family and don't intend to leave them (in all honesty they may leave me first). I am trying to find new ways to be Redpepper within the tribe. What I speak of here is an option. Just one option. Isn't it best to look at all options? Right now this one is on the fore front.
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LovingRadiance
Active member
Romantic love die out....
Hmmm.
I can't help but ponder-
I definitely have it with Maca and GG.
I have had times it wasn't there.
It seems to fluctuate, but it always returns.
20 years now with GG.
15 with Maca at least, if I include the first "puppy love desires"... 25 years....
Hmmm.
I can't help but ponder-
I definitely have it with Maca and GG.
I have had times it wasn't there.
It seems to fluctuate, but it always returns.
20 years now with GG.
15 with Maca at least, if I include the first "puppy love desires"... 25 years....
redpepper
Active member
Well. Maybe it will come around for me too. I just hqve an appreciation for their presence in the house and for my role. It makes me feel as if I am needed as a contributing member.
redpepper
Active member
I haven't been monogamous in almost 20 years. I was in my 20's when last I was mongamous. It feels uncharted to me.
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SNeacail
New member
Romantic Love - Yeah, it comes and goes, especially when things seem to be changing a lot.
LB is 10 - Our babies don't need quite so much of our attention anymore. They are much more independent and it can be exciting and depressing at the same time (my oldest will be 18 in 2 weeks and off to the Army in August). They still need us, but they don't want us hovering (or they don't want it to look like they need us). Learning how to shift gears to the more independent child can be difficult and disconcerting.
Age - we are the same age and at some point after 40 I started to wonder where I fit, I still feel like that sometimes. I watched a video on drowning recently and I realized, that's what I've felt like for a while. It may or may not be directly related to our kids getting older or maybe that just adds another complication.
It doesn't help when our loves seem to develop all these outside interests that take so much of their time/attention all about the same time.
You have spent years focusing on poly, relationships, etc. maybe it's time to just do stuff that's fun without any relationship expectations. Get back to your Art, take a class, teach a class, etc.
LB is 10 - Our babies don't need quite so much of our attention anymore. They are much more independent and it can be exciting and depressing at the same time (my oldest will be 18 in 2 weeks and off to the Army in August). They still need us, but they don't want us hovering (or they don't want it to look like they need us). Learning how to shift gears to the more independent child can be difficult and disconcerting.
Age - we are the same age and at some point after 40 I started to wonder where I fit, I still feel like that sometimes. I watched a video on drowning recently and I realized, that's what I've felt like for a while. It may or may not be directly related to our kids getting older or maybe that just adds another complication.
It doesn't help when our loves seem to develop all these outside interests that take so much of their time/attention all about the same time.
You have spent years focusing on poly, relationships, etc. maybe it's time to just do stuff that's fun without any relationship expectations. Get back to your Art, take a class, teach a class, etc.
LovingRadiance
Active member
I don't have a lot of suggestions, just one caution.
Be careful about labeling something as "the end" or "final".
Too often we (as people) assume something is "the end" when in fact it is just "a long pause".
As an odd twisted example-
My grandfather married young. They had two children, a boy and a girl. The girl died of an illness. The grief tore them both apart and they weren't prepared to deal with it. They divorced. She remarried and her husband adopted the little boy.
My grandfather remarried. He had my dad and my uncle with his second wife. They were married 25 years and then divorced.
My grandfather remarried the grandmother I knew him with. They were married 25 years and then she died.
Six months after the death of his 3rd wife, 50+ years after his first divorce, he remarried his first wife, reconnected with his first son (and grandchildren). They were blissfully happy together until death.
EVERYONE thought their divorce was "the end" and yet-50+ years later it came back around and low and behold, they were madly in love and happy together.
Be careful about labeling something as "the end" or "final".
Too often we (as people) assume something is "the end" when in fact it is just "a long pause".
As an odd twisted example-
My grandfather married young. They had two children, a boy and a girl. The girl died of an illness. The grief tore them both apart and they weren't prepared to deal with it. They divorced. She remarried and her husband adopted the little boy.
My grandfather remarried. He had my dad and my uncle with his second wife. They were married 25 years and then divorced.
My grandfather remarried the grandmother I knew him with. They were married 25 years and then she died.
Six months after the death of his 3rd wife, 50+ years after his first divorce, he remarried his first wife, reconnected with his first son (and grandchildren). They were blissfully happy together until death.
EVERYONE thought their divorce was "the end" and yet-50+ years later it came back around and low and behold, they were madly in love and happy together.
redpepper
Active member
http://www.birdclan.org/crow.html
Crows are with me everywhere right now.
A relationship with me even in the presence of others. I intend to do that and am. I have a tree I go to to pour the content of my aching chest into and a beautiful rose garden to bring back some love in my heart. I'm very fortunate.
I have been given and appointment in July with a mental health team so I went and got some St. John's wort tincture. It helped last time I was down in my early 20's maybe it will help again. Rescue Remedy is helping also.
I am conscious not to use finalizing words. Nothing is ever final. Just changing.
Crows are with me everywhere right now.
A relationship with me even in the presence of others. I intend to do that and am. I have a tree I go to to pour the content of my aching chest into and a beautiful rose garden to bring back some love in my heart. I'm very fortunate.
I have been given and appointment in July with a mental health team so I went and got some St. John's wort tincture. It helped last time I was down in my early 20's maybe it will help again. Rescue Remedy is helping also.
I am conscious not to use finalizing words. Nothing is ever final. Just changing.
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redpepper
Active member
It seems that either nothing is going on or no one wants to tell me or everyone is scared shitless of my reaction or its not that big of a deal or people want their privacy. I can't figure on which. I'm enjoying a quiet calm.... that usually means a storm is brewing and I will be faced with hard emotions once again. How about some fantastic floaty love one's in there. I'm putting it out there. Just a thought.
Or maybe I'm paranoid and this is just my quiet life now?
Or maybe I'm paranoid and this is just my quiet life now?
AnnabelMore
Active member
RP, I'm in no position whatsoever to judge your choices, but I did want to say, if I were Mono I'd be deeply wounded that you're willing to consider exploring monogamy now, with someone you just met on OKC no less, when it was never an option with him. Why not consider being mono with him, as he's still your lover and life partner, if you're going to consider it with anybody? It would be oddly poetic if you guys flipped the script and did the mono/poly thing in reversed roles. Maybe it would revive your bond with him. Then again, maybe it's too painful to even think about trying to do that.
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redpepper
Active member
I have suggested we try monogamy. I felt that I freed up my life to be available to try monogamy. I want to try that and see if some healing can occur around his having tried out an open relationship without my knowledge or blessing. We haven't had a chance to heal and re-gain a connection from that after all.
I thought I had fucked up a chance at being monogamous but the truth is he liked that I am married. He didnt have to commit and could be rest assured that I was taken care of by PN in terms of all the things marriage covers. He never wanted to replace the marriage he lost with another marriage type relationship. He prefers I am occupied.
He's not deeply wounded. He says it was never an option.
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AnnabelMore
Active member
Heh, and this is what I meant by saying I was in no position to judge your choices, so many layers here. I felt a bit silly posting in the first place, knowing I'd likely be off the mark on done way... anyway, wishing you all the best.
redpepper
Active member
Actually, Mono was in a relationship with PN and I. Not really monogamous with me at all by my account. It could be seen that way anyway. I came as a package deal for him. That package is no longer as I move into just being me and doing my thing. It's threatening for him apparently. Huge feelings going on about what his role is now in my life. He feels his responsibility is bigger. To me nothing has changed there.
Life is quiet and full of moments of intense discussion and emotion.... I await doors opening and change to occur with a sense of wonder and patient contentment right now. I'm not clinging to once was as much. Those in my life tell me they have noticed the difference. I remain as in contact and available as I can be to people but I suspect it's just weird for others. I don't know maybe I just feel weird.
Home life is good. I enjoy my routines. I've included new ones just for me and enjoy those too. Its just my sense of inwardness and pulling away to look after me going on really right now... that and repeating the same things over and over again until something solidifies or I come out of my confusion about what happems next. I'm sure I will post once I figure it out.
Life is quiet and full of moments of intense discussion and emotion.... I await doors opening and change to occur with a sense of wonder and patient contentment right now. I'm not clinging to once was as much. Those in my life tell me they have noticed the difference. I remain as in contact and available as I can be to people but I suspect it's just weird for others. I don't know maybe I just feel weird.
Home life is good. I enjoy my routines. I've included new ones just for me and enjoy those too. Its just my sense of inwardness and pulling away to look after me going on really right now... that and repeating the same things over and over again until something solidifies or I come out of my confusion about what happems next. I'm sure I will post once I figure it out.
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BoringGuy
Banned
Mono wrote way back in the beginning that he needed you and your husband to be having er, i forget the exact words he used but "healthy and active sex life" would not be too far off base, in order for him (Mono) to be able to function in that relationship with you.
So there was that, and also the thing about how he could deal with you having girlfriends but not so much having other boyfriends.
I remember that.