Hello Poly friends.
Little catch up.
I have been enjoying life and taking things as they come. Everything at the house is really good and we are all well settled. I enjoy each day and have no complaints about our new arrangements. We continue to make plans, live each day in our usual routines and love each other in our own unique ways.
I have been sorting out my relationships for the most part these days and that has had it's ups and downs. Creating friendships that are lasting and meaningful and that fulfill me has been difficult. I have a different idea of what friendship means than most after years of poly and I am working to express that, request what I want from others and figure out boundaries that make sense and are reasonable and comfortable. I don't want more partners but I do want to be close in ways that make me feel good.
I am not the sort to curb who I am around another and am finding more and more that I am a loner and prefer to make new friends and stay on the periphery of friendship circles rather than get overly involved. Is that a result of years of intense partnerships with many people whereby I was involved in many family circles? Possibly. Likely. Still, new friends have cropped up and I continue to be pleased to see where those friendships go.
I am enjoying what RP likes these days and taking note of what I can do in life that is without others rather than with them. I have a sense of belonging to those around me. I am enjoying the closeness of my inner circle and feeling like I belong.
I continue to see Brad although not as often as he doesn't live near me, has interests that are not mine, has different friends and I create tension in his life with others. He has his own life to sort out and I remain a constant confident and supporter when he needs me. For some reason we are attached to each other in ways that don't make sense to most so I struggle through and try and make it easier for all involved. I find that I am not as easily included in his greater life and that is fine with me but makes it more difficult to spend time with him. I hope that is temporary.
I have been spending time with Leo again and that has been really great for both of us I think. Slowly we sort out what happened between us and are developing a new relationship based on what we have learned and how we have grown in the two years we didn't speak to each other. We have gone over what happened, made our apologies and forge something new now. He is becoming someone who is close again and I am finding that he is included in my sense of belonging and being valued in the world.
My dearest friend right now is my ex wife. She has moved back to my city and I see her very often. She has a natural way of making life seem fun and light. She keeps my spirits up with her unending ability to just be there... even when I think that no one would be able to be around me for one second longer she seems to breeze through that and take me at face value. I am so grateful that she constantly renews my belief that I am loved and valued, even if I don't feel it from others and my negative self talk says otherwise. She simply will not stand for that and is confused that I would for one moment believe I am not valued by many...
The main thing I am doing these days is deciding not to over think and to let things resonate within me each moment. It amazes me just how many things are out of my hands and I have become involved in a conscious effort to just let things go and spend my time looking inside me instead. I have a lot of time these days and often find myself bored and frustrated. I am using the time to regroup and feel closer and closer to pouncing on a new phase of my life with renewed energy and insight.
Really the only thing in life is that there is no defining anything and that nothing is absolute. Poly or not is not what is relevant any more... what is going on right now and what I can do to create the feeling of safety, family, contentment and simplicity is. Fluidity is everything and there is no fail safe answer to anything when I decide to let life be fluid. Flaky, I know, but it works for me. Even if it confuses the hell out of those closest to me.
Hugs to those I love to share with here and that take the time to read. I welcome messages, updates and shared thoughts. Hugs to all.