relationships in quad

urmila

New member
i am 42 indian housewife and husband 45. son 20 not living with us. we are contemplating a poly relationship with another couple, who r related to us and are staying with us presently. All the other members r quite enthuastica about it. i am just holding back and reading all about polymory, and was even surprised that is being practiced even in India, even though not in big numbers.
In polymory, as i have understood there is primary and secondary relationship
my question is when two couples r in relationship. can it be an equal relationship without identifiying as primary or secondary. anybody has any experiences on that and if it is being practised, what r the disadvantages and r there r any problem areas we have to be careful of
urmila
 

bookbug

New member
There are many poly people who do not even use the terms primary and secondary. instead viewing each relationship as unique and important.
 

redpepper

New member
Yes there are many people that don't subscribe to the point of view that one partner is deserving of more love, time, energy and support over another. Some hierarchies exist and are declared valid due to children, shared assets, marriage etc. That can work for some but usually poly people discover that while they have these ties that bond, love is love and does not follow an agenda. Over time, most poly people grow out of the hierarchal system and theory and let love become abundant and ever growing. This can take time, patience and much experience. The experience comes from separating from couple-centric, co-dependent modalities and embracing committed autonomy with partners.

Try doing a tag search here for "hierarchy" "secondaries" "secondary" "primary" "primaries" and any other tag that seems to be relevant. I like that you are researching. Good for you! :)
 

trescool

New member
hi

Hi and welcome!

You might try searching "quads" as well. It seems to me like some couples on here have managed to build a non-hierarchical model with other couples and become a quad. I personally believe it is possible, and want that for my life as well.

I suspect that it could take time for all parties to build trust in each other, and commitment that no one is being left behind. But I think that's true of any relationship. From being in a triad that went badly, my advice is to go slow, respecting everyone's emotions through spending time with one another, allowing all parties to have "alone time" with each other. Also, the pre-existing problems of the relationships come into whatever is being built, although (and this is something I've written less about) there are both opportunities for poly to help HEAL these problems as well as they become more clear and obvious because of the insecurities and worries poly can bring up.

In my dreams of what I would like, I can see that being with another couple is ideal, as all parties can slowly build a relationship with one another. I imagine that as a couple, myself and my partner can get to know another couple slowly, and then through conversations with each other and with the other couple, move things to a non-hierarchical level when I feel the trust is deep enough.

Where are you at in your poly journey? Have you known this couple for a long time and been intimate, or are you long time friends and just starting to consider poly with them?
 

urmila

New member
Thanks to bookbug redpepper trescool and cloud
Asfor as question on far i am in my journey towards polymory, i can say we r almost into it or should i say emotionally we r already there. Except for the physical part i think all 4 of us are attached to each other. before becoming polyamorous in the fullest sense, i feel we t sort set boundaries in which we can practice polyamory

ours is a 2 storeyed dwelling with 2 independent 3 bedroom units in each floor. presently the first floor has been rented iut and we have given notice them to vacate, and they are moving by end of march. It has been decided that my cousine's family will take up that as tenents and move in their things in the first week of April.This will help us to keep our relationship under wraps for the outside world as we dont want to come out. we dont want even our son to be aware of this and they dont have any children. It has been unanimously decided that we will be finally a part of a quadra family in every respect only after they settled down in upstair portion.
With all your good wishes i am sure we will be a very very happy family of four
urmila
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Good luck urmila.

Generally it is found that primary/secondary does not hinge on love, per se, but on shared living space, finances, child care, insurance. If your cousins will be living in a separate apartment, paying their own rent and utilities, and things like that, it simplifies things. Will you share cooking, cleaning up, bedrooms on a regular basis? Or will you have 4some time and then each couple retreats to their own apartment and bedroom at the end of the day?

It will all depend on how things play out for the 4 of you whether your cousins remain secondaries, or become co-primaries. I assumed you've known at least one of this couple all your life, since you are cousins. Have you been in love with him or her for a long time, even longer than you've known your husband?

Are you all bisexual or are you all straight? Is your husband in love with both of these people?
 

urmila

New member
present status

Thank u magdlyn
presently we r having what u might call "non-sexual polyamorous relationship"
we r in love with each other and we are moving towards a full polamorous couples.
we are sharing our living space in the sense the other couple r staying with us but they have got their private bedroom for themselves. and are sharing cooking and cleaning up. presently they r our guests other things dont come into picture
My cousin who is younger to me by 2 yrs and his wife are the other couple
he was my favorite cousin and there was no romantic feeling from my side at that time. But now we all(4 of us) know that he was very much in love with me and just because he was younger and still studying that prevented him from expressing his feelings and considering marriage with me. (In south India marriage between some cousins is accepted)
none of us or bisexuals but i am bi-curious which others r not aware of it yet

Good luck urmila.

Generally it is found that primary/secondary does not hinge on love, per se, but on shared living space, finances, child care, insurance. If your cousins will be living in a separate apartment, paying their own rent and utilities, and things like that, it simplifies things. Will you share cooking, cleaning up, bedrooms on a regular basis? Or will you have 4some time and then each couple retreats to their own apartment and bedroom at the end of the day?
none of us r not bisexuals, but i am bi-curious, which nobody is aware of this yet

It will all depend on how things play out for the 4 of you whether your cousins remain secondaries, or become co-primaries. I assumed you've known at least one of this couple all your life, since you are cousins. Have you been in love with him or her for a long time, even longer than you've known your husband?

Are you all bisexual or are you all straight? Is your husband in love with both of these people?
 
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urmila

New member
As I am going thro' all the literature i can access to, I cam across a paper by Mr MAURA I. STRASSBERG thro a link provided in the forum, which has given me confidence that our polymorous relationship will succeed. Some doubt was created by the question by Magdlyn if we r all bisexuals and was confused some extent.
I quote the a part of the article which reinforced my belief that we will be a happy polymorous pair of couples - The “sex positive” orientation of polyamory and its emphasis on allowing relationships to reflect the reality of individual differences and needs also means that polyamory is understood to include the possibility of loving and sexual relationships between people of the same sex as well as people of opposite sexes. Polyamorous relationships can, therefore, be exclusively heterosexual, exclusively homosexual, or bisexual relationships. At the same time, polyamory does not include mere casual sex with many partners, as having multiple relationships is understood to be about much more than just sex and lust alone is not sufficient to sustain such relationships. Thus, the fundamental value of polyamory is relationship, particularly loving relationships
Thus, My husband and my cousin loving each other and me and my cousin's wife loving each other does not mean that we should be having sex each other and we can remain hetrosexual
Urmila

actually I have not fully read that paper since it is fairly long one and needs repeated reading to study and grasp the contents. but as soon as i came across this paragraph i was just too pleased and thought i should share it
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
Absolutely. You can be asexual and poly too, for that matter. If you want to use a more detailed label in a description of your relationship, you could maybe call it an emotional quad if you want, where everyone loves everyone, but that it no way means everyone has to SLEEP with everyone. Sexually I suppose it would be a series of V's- each man with either woman and each woman with either man, but what does or doesn't go on in the bedrooms isn't really anyone's business anyway, except maybe your doctor's.
 

urmila

New member
reason for going into a new relationship

Thanks That Girl in Gray for ur response
In the same paper by Mr Maura he mentions an i quote "Multiple relationships are viewed as positive, in part, because no one individual “can meet all your needs.” Those needs include being challenged, growing, and realizing one’s potential in all these dimensions. Since loving relationships provide a safe context for individuals to acknowledge their needs and explore some of their potential, multiple loving relationships allow for fuller expression and development of a variety of individual interests and potential."
This made me think that, am I going into this relationship because my partner is not able to meet all my needs fully and is there some thing lacking. After reviewing everything i have come to the conclusion, that it is not so. and his statement is a broad generalisation and may not necessarily be true in each case. I would love to get other members' views on this
 
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nycindie

Active member
Urmila,
Please note that, in the sentence you quoted, the author stated, "Multiple relationships are viewed as positive, in part, because no one individual “can meet all your needs.” " In part. It's part of why poly can be viewed positively. That is just one of many reasons why polyamory can work for people. Straussberg is not saying it is the only reason for everyone. There are all types of people who live polyamorously and many reasons why that is what works for them.
 
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amitabhisgood

New member
Nice going

Hi Urmila

Now that you guys are considering your newly visible relationship more judiciously, I guess, you might also have to look into changes in social circles.

As I know of India and more in South India and Chennai, people (especially the vendors and hawkers) will very quickly get a feel about something different happening.

These people are more observant than they seem to be. More so as they have time for "free mind chattering".

You might have to even consider a change in grocery store and also other habits nurtured due to prevalent social, emotional structures.

My assumptions may be incorrect( and may reflect factors I am considering wrt going poly). As it is said, "my 2 cents". These cents flow as you mentioned
This will help us to keep our relationship under wraps for the outside world as we dont want to come out.

:)
 
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urmila

New member
As I know of India and more in South India and Chennai, people (especially the vendors and hawkers) will very quickly get a feel about something different happening.

Thanks Amithab. We r very well aware of the people, who may notice something different, In addition to the hawkers etc, another very important person we have to be careful is the part time maid who takes of cleaning the house and the dishes. luckily we dont depend on her for our laundry. So far it is only one kitchen and we r yet share the bedrooms. no problems. But when next month when my cousin and his wife move in to the first floor, she may smell something, for that we have worked out an arrangement in which we will be engaginge the maid for only house cleaning and we share the cleaning of dishes
 

urmila

New member
meeting the needs

Urmila,
Please note that, in the sentence you quoted, the author stated, "Multiple relationships are viewed as positive, in part, because no one individual “can meet all your needs.” " In part. It's part of why poly can be viewed positively. That is just one of many reasons why polyamory can work for people. Straussberg is not saying it is the only reason for everyone. There are all types of people who live polyamorously and many reasons why that is what works for them.

over the week I was thinking about about meeting all the needs. Then it flashed in my mind that "Yes now Me and my SO is and can meet all of each other's known needs. As our relationship is expanding, our personalities will also grow We might come across some new needs in future which we are unaware of now, then there is a possibility that we might or might not be able to fullfill, In that situation the other couple in our polymorous relationship might hep us.
 

urmila

New member
last weekend turned out to be a very significant weekend in our lives, It was official, that we r going to be polyamorous couples. We have decided on so many things and agreed on the boundaries and how we manage our finances.- there r only two earning members.
since my son has come home for 2 weeks, we have kept everything on hold. might be i cannot visit this site so often during his stay here. I will write about initial steps we have decided to take towards polyamory, sometime later
 

neegoola

New member
hi urmila, happy to read your steps :)

i agree with Magdlyn..

and i add: if in the present period you all feel to love each other, spend time together without making sex, that's very nice and sweet and NRE too :)
BUT i would not "fix" any general, radical rule about it..
 

urmila

New member
finding justification

I have used the two weeks on reading whatever I could on polyamory. Another thing I did was a lot of introspection about why we want to be poly, which is a very alien concept to us, and we hadn’t heard about this until a few months back. I analysed our background and our present situation, both my family and my cousin’s and came to my own conclusion, which I don’t know if it is correct, some might term it as an excuse or self justification
We are upper caste Hindus and belong to the section of society which is very religious and even ritualistic. My marriage was an arranged marriage, in the sense, it was finalized by our elders, and the one and only interaction we had before marriage, was for about ½ an hour, when we met each other first time. My acceptance was taken for granted and asking for my opinion was only a formality. Perhaps in his case, he had a say.
My family consisted of my parents and an elder brother who has settled in USA and has taken citizenship of that country. My father’s widowed sister and her son, 2 yrs. younger to me, was also staying with us. Now both my parents and my aunt are no more. Since I moved to Chennai after marriage, we haven’t had much of interaction with other families, who r in our ancestral village. My husband’s position is similar to mine, except that it is his sister who has migrated. Over the years we have drifted apart from our roots. And since we r from a different state and talk a different language, our social circle is limited here
My cousin, who was staying with his mother in our house, hasn’t got any other close relatives, and he has married a girl outside our cast, hence the wife’s family has disowned her, but she was given her share of her parent’s property, which is quite good. Even I after my parent’s death have inherited the property, since my brother was not interested in that. Why I am telling this is both me and my cousin’s wife have some income of our own.
As u might have understood both our families was living in almost isolation without any close friends or attachments. After my son left for college, we and especially myself was feeling quite low. The moving of my cousin last year to this place for taking up a job, was therefore was godsend gift. And we asked them to stay with us until they get a good accommodation near our place. As it was taking time to get a convenient accommodation, they had to stay for some days during which we all came close and I didn’t want them to move out. We gave notice to our 1st floor tenant to vacate, so that my cousin and his family can move in. From first April it will free and they r going to move their things from b’lore in about 10 days now.
I don’t know when and how my cousin and his wife came to now about the concept of polyamory. Since we all liked each other so much, the idea appealed to them and when first it was broached with my husband, he was in a way relieved and happy for my sake, he readily accepted. Even with all my posturing and asking for time to consider, I know I would love to have that relationship.
I think because of the absence of any close relationship with any body other than our spouses (and of course, our son, in our case, who is any planning to abroad for his higher studies next year) which has made this polyamorous relationship so attractive and the circumstances are so conducive to it, it had to happen. I don’t know if it sounds convincing to others, but I am sure about it. As we are not going into it because we have any problems with our present relationship, and about 9 months of living together has made us realize we really love them and they love us. We don’t want to loose this and want to make it permanent. And we are all sure this will work out very well for all 4 of us.
 

lapsi

New member
I don’t know if it sounds convincing to others, but I am sure about it.

And we are all sure this will work out very well for all 4 of us.

Urmila,

Whether it sounds convincing to others or not is irrelevant. It is your life, your decision so the only person who needs to be sure is you.

It is great that you have done fantastic research on the subject and that you are going in with your eyes wide open. However, at this time, I would like to suggest that you stop your research and introspection and have a few days of peace and quiet with yourself before this takes off.

Good Luck to all 4 of you.

Cheers!

Lapsi
 
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urmila

New member
our journey

Urmila,

It is great that you have done fantastic research on the subject and that you are going in with your eyes wide open. However, at this time, I would like to suggest that you stop your research and introspection and have a few days of peace and quiet with yourself before this takes off.

Good Luck to all 4 of you.

Cheers!

Lapsi
Thanks Lapsi, I also have come to the same conclusion, because it will only confuse us and what has been found thro' various research will definately not apply equally to everybody, After all they all generalise, in the conclusion. and
each one is a unique case.
For example, it is generally said that polyamory is loving without boundaries. But in our case, we have mutually discussed and agreed on some boundaries within which we all behave. This, we thought is required for a long lasting relationship and to avoid any misunderstanding in future amongst ourselwes and possible cause for jealousy.
In monogomy, these type of discussions r not required because society has already fixed them over the years. and since concept of polyamory, is itself new and under evolution yet, we each group have to set these boundaries. Might be we might modify them as time goes on and we learn new things and come across new situations.
I have already done some reading about our Hindu religion, and found out that there is nothing against polyamory in our philosophy. I will writing about it it in my nest post. I t may be of some help to at least other members, who belong to my relogion
 
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