Restless Heart snydrome:cause or effect?

dingedheart

Well-known member
If you been here for any length of time you see the same pattern or story. I myself have that exact same story. After a number of years ( ) fill in the blank in my case 15 yrs married 17-18 total .....a spouse says I think I'm poly ...I have these feelings for these other people and I LOVE YOU TO DEATH and that's not going to change but all my needs aren't being me so that's why I want to give this polyamory thing a try.

Well honey what needs are you talking about I'll try to help meet those ....you cant ...otherwise we wouldn't be having this conversation. Well what am I doing wrong or not doing ....nothing and everything ....its not about you its about me ......What? I need this for me ....I know you feel threatened and confused but love is infinite and my ability love and to have sex with others has no impact on you at all. Wait back up.... did you just say have sex with others? Yes ....of coarse silly what did you think I we were talking about. I don't know....the room is spinning and my ears a ringing....I think I'm going to past out. (first aid break...glass of something)

So what you're saying is you have taken this relationship as far as you think it can go .... the new car smell is gone so its time to start looking for a new one.....well I wouldn't put it like that but yes we are on steady glide path that may lack a certain excitement. So you're saying I'm boring ?.....no ...no you are very interesting just not as much to me anymore.... it could be a growth issue...you should look at this as growth opportunity.

So how does this work ? ....well I thought of putting an ad on one of those on line dating sites. So to get those unspecific needs met your turning to the internet? Well duh.....what could be as exciting and easy all at the same time.

Well lets say you find someone and start dating ....how does that work ...time wise. Well ...we'll have to see. What does that mean? Well everyone's needs must be considered of coarse. If you add a relationship wont time from something else get cut. Not necessarily. .. Wait.... how often would you see this person ...well I did'nt want to mention this to later but it could be person(S)... plural ....and perhaps 1-3 three times a week. What time of day ...nights... I work silly. Isn't that when you and I are together with our kids? Yeah about that...you guys might see me a little less . What am I suppose do while your out fucking some other guy or as I just learned guys. First of all that's very vulgar not necessarily true....this is about love so I prefer to make love or have sex ...second we would be dating ...going to dinners ...movies...concerts, weekend get a ways, etc.... date stuff and that may or may not include passionate love making ..... so you may want to get a hobby or take a class to fill in your time ... or work on your own self development stuff ....which might make you less boring.....that sounded negative how bout it could make you more interesting.

I really don't see the benefit to me and the kids? Well ...A much happier /satisfied me. It simple if I'm happier everyone will be happier. Also I'll most likely feel sexier and that to could spill your way as well ...you lucky bastard. In most cases spouses feel closer after this ...... Can't you see its a win win for everyone. What? .... how does you spending free time having another relationship which includes sex going to make us closer ...less time... less attention ...focus divided... how does that make sense? Wow.. I can see you really need time to reflect and dig into that self growth stuff that we were talking about earlier....In the end I think you'll see that's going to be time well spent. And you may want to talk with a therapist as well ...help sort out your resistance to this...




I could go on but I'm running out of time this morning .....those who have gone down this road feel free to add dialog as it happened in your lives.

The question.... is restless heart syndrome the cause or the effect?

Do people find poly..... out of boredom, or narcissistic ...self entitlement or the idea of self discovery( I've always been this way) that occurs after years of mono relationships.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
Holy crap this whole post seems so real and so depressing. I don't know how people make the transition form mono/mono to mon/poly.

There's something very genuine in how you wrote this my friend...sad but very genuine. :(

Thanks for sharing this although it leaves me with a hollow feeling.

Take care
 

Vivien

New member
Holy crap this whole post seems so real and so depressing.

I agree, but I'm not sure if that's because the dialogue rings true for us, or because it rings true to the dialogue we have with ourselves as we're trying to overcome our shame at not following social rules about what love, fidelity, and commitment look like.
 

SNeacail

New member
I'm speculating here, but I don't see someone in a healthy 15+ year mono marriage, just all of a sudden saying "I've always been this way", without past episodes of cheating involved. I have seen a few "I fell in love with a family friend, but I still love my spouse, now what do I do?" I think the key word here, when dealing with 15+ year marriages is healthy.

If you really look at this board and the relationship that are working, you will notice that only a small few see their OSO more than once a week, some not even that often. Those that do, are NOT in a new relationship and their OSO is more of an extention of their primary family. **Statements here assume, spouse, kids, bills, etc.**
 

Carma

New member
Wow I hope my husband doesn't read this. :( It casts everything in the worst light -- I know I am playing spin doctor quite a lot with my mono husband, and it can be a real struggle to focus on the positives. But I'm not stupid -- I know he isn't thrilled, but is making the best of things.

Maybe what it comes down to is, some mono's can tolerate poly, and some just can't. Maybe the pain is just too much to bear, for some. I feel so terrible reading your pain, D. Thank you for sharing in such an honest way, though, because it keeps things in perspective for me. Sometimes (especially reading this!) I wish I were mono, but for now, I'm living polyamorously, for better or worse.
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
I feel your pain D, but I'd have to agree with SNeacail on this one, I don't see this happening alot in healthy long term marriages.

Runic Wolf and I have been together for 13 years and married for almost 11 and other than the first couple years of our relationship, we've either been open to the possibility of other partners or polyamarous (whether living mono or being in multiple relationships), though for 9 of those years I was more or less emotionally mono. I can't imagine the pain you must have felt to have a conversation like that seemingly out of the blue.
 

SourGirl

Member
If you been here for any length of time you see the same pattern or story. I myself have that exact same story...

Thanks my friend, for starting this discussion, it needs to be said. :)


As for it not happening in 'Healthy' marriages. You bet your hiney it does. I`ve bared witness to it from the close-friend side of things. No one is immune. Who gets to define healthy anyways ? Your version, or my version ? Everyone has weak moments, and goes off the path for awhile.

All it takes is the right ingredients of events, and long-forgotten feelings, ( If you havent dealt with NRE in 15+ yrs, you might be a wee bit rusty in recognizing it, or in handling it correctly.)

If you dont believe that, think of every story you have heard about someone who said ' I thought I was happy in my marriage, just coasting along,..then HE/SHE came along and rocked my world. I feel so aliveeeee with them....'

Marriage goes bust due to these new feelings. Spouse takes off with new flame. Only to have that go up in flames, and them regretting losing their long-term spouse.

So while those who are 'in the know' on NRE, and understand mid-lifing, and what signs to look for, ( and are able to recognize and dodge it,) there are many , many people who do not.
It happens in monogamy, it happens with poly too. People are looking for a new feeling, a new flavour, ..something they havent yet shared, beause they don`t understand it themself.

Sometimes its a new car, sometimes it`s travel , sometimes it's a fancy, new, romantic hobby.
 

SNeacail

New member
As for it not happening in 'Healthy' marriages. You bet your hiney it does.

I was refering specifically to the senario of one spouse saying "I'm poly and have always been this way, and this is how things are going to be...". Just the whole one-sided ness of that type of statement doesn't sound like it comes from a healthy relationship to start with. There's no denying that even in healthy relationships thing can get turned upside down and ass backwards very quickly.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
Mono

thanks for the comment ... if you don't know how people transition from mono/mono to mono/poly no one will.....but Restless Heart Syndrome isn't confined to the mono/poly dynamic. How many "polys" rotate in and out of relationships after the new car smell is gone.

SN

I agree a long standing healthy marriage might not use the excuse of always being poly unless cheating was involved. Let instead say they question the theory of monogamy and embrace the new theory of non monogamy. Then use that as a position to softening hurt feeling and rejection the partner may have to get this new experience without throwing out their entire life. And replace I've felt like this forever to I've been feeling like this for a long time ( ) insert a number for years.

Carma

Thanks you for the comments ....Didn't things like what I posted get said in your house? How different was it. Do you have kids? I know I listen to the intellectual arguments but went along with it for the kids sake. Does your husband post here? RP and Sage would be a good resources on the number of people with this same story....if they still around. Freetime could jump in..... although he's in the newly converted column. Still he could share those initial talks.

BrigidsDaughter

Thanks ...Except the first couple of years.....why the first couple of years? What do you mean 9 yrs emotionally mono? ....a little pregnant comes to mind.


Sourgirl

NO..... thank you for your kind comments. It has been an observation I've had for a while now. Just thought I'd run it up the flag pole ...forth of July and all.


Things and dialog I didn't have time to cover yesterday.

The
 

Carma

New member
Carma

Thanks you for the comments ....Didn't things like what I posted get said in your house? How different was it. Do you have kids? I know I listen to the intellectual arguments but went along with it for the kids sake. Does your husband post here?

YES these things have probably ALL been said in my house, or at least thought or felt or implied!!!!

I think most of it is the implied stuff that made me feel the sting. I would hate to think I was sending some of these messages to my husband, but I know damn well that I have, unintentionally. The pain he has endured makes me feel conflicting feelings -- one, awe and gratitude that he loves me so much he is willing to sacrifice for me, and two, terrible guilt that I have put him in the position to make that sacrifice. He is making the best of the situation and mostly it is because YES we do have kids.

My husband says he is usually ok with it intellectually but emotionally, he struggles a lot with it. We are both really into psychology and heady stuff, so some of the challenges of poly have been exciting, I guess, but mostly it has been very, very hard on him.

He has posted in the past but I don't think he comes here much anymore. I think he is reluctant to "embrace" poly and it's hard for him to hear the successes -- he is just hoping it will be over soon. Sometimes, so am I.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
sorry hit submit and not preview

Things and dialog not covered yesterday ....couple things that happen down the road...

A good conversation would have been the one in which I confronted her on The feeling I was getting that our time/dates and even sex was being done out a sense of fairness or obligation. The bad part was I was told it was me ...I'm looking for the negative .etc ... when in fact its quite common. Others here admit they've done the same thing. I posted about at the time.

The other conversation of note would be about primary status. She made a comment about me being her "primary" and she thought that was something I wanted or needed to hear and would be a comfort to me ...or something. She didn't count on my rejection of that status or notion and the subsequent shift in attitude and responsibility as I saw my new role. In the end she my have had a primary (her) secondary (dick) ...that's his name ....and a tertiary (me).
I don't know where the kids and dogs fit in .... Again an entire tread on that topic.

look forward to the discussion D
 

nycindie

Active member
DH, the scenario you posted doesn't really look like a conversation to me, where two people are simply and honestly expressing themselves, hearing each other, and connecting. It just looks like someone being steamrolled. And your last sentences (in your first post of this thread) take a jab at poly in general, as if anyone who has chosen poly for themselves has done so out of boredom or some trivial reason. You have discussed your situation in the past, although we have not seen an update, and it is easy to see that you are still bitter and angry about it. Calling it a Restless Heart is very poetic but does not disguise your pain. Now, anyone who read your story before knows that polyamory is not the source of the problems in your marriage. Have you and your wife sought help to rectify and heal the deeper issues? I don't mean the BDSM stuff; I mean what was at the heart of her dishonesty and sneakiness, how you were affected, and other issues. I know you were focused on your daughter (and rightly so) but the tone of your original post would indicate that the hurt and damage is still deeply felt by you, so perhaps it is time to shift the focus a bit and heal your marriage, and the woundedness you both feel. I feel for you... where are you in that process?
 
Last edited:

redpepper

New member
DH, the scenario you posted doesn't really look like a conversation to me, where two people are really expressing themselves, hearing each other, and connecting. It just looks like someone being steamrolled. And your last sentences take a jab at poly in general, as if anyone who has chosen poly for themselves has done so out of boredom or some trivial reason. You have discussed your situation in the past, although we have not seen an update, and it is easy to see that you are still bitter and angry about it. Now, anyone who read your story before knows that polyamory is not the source of the problems in your marriage. Have you and your wife sought help to rectify and heal the deeper issues?
Ditto, it seemed to me the biggest offense of hers was the BDSM she was involved in, not the poly so much. Was she really saying she is into that and wasn't able to say so for some reason? Perhaps because you would react?
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
Mono


BrigidsDaughter

Thanks ...Except the first couple of years.....why the first couple of years? What do you mean 9 yrs emotionally mono? ....a little pregnant comes to mind.


The

The first couple of years we were teenagers and still in high school. We didn't know any other way of doing relationships. We actually discovered open relationships about a week after we got married, ironically.

I say that I was emotionally mono for 9 years because while I had physical relationships and FWB situations and was always open to more; it took 9 years for someone besides Runic Wolf to touch that side of me that deeply. And there were a couple of years after Runic Wolf's first poly experience ended badly, that I did want him all to myself. Someone had hurt my husband badly and shattered his confidence and I felt it was partially my responsibility to help him rebuild it.
 

BrigidsDaughter

New member
I'd have to agree with nycindie, that this doesn't seem like a conversation, but more of a you got told. Now I have to admit that in the beginning, Runic Wolf and I didn't communicate the best, but we always made an attempt and I, sometimes, had to go back and explain what I'd heard and responded to in writing because I communicate better that way.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
nycindie,

So what your saying is you've never read stories with these elements of commonality? You need to read the new to poly section.

What about the 3-4 people who posted before you who did identify with the concept and conversation. ???

Because you and your husband came to this forum from a mutual perspective why do you want to debate my word "conversation" or rather belittle it as not connected or honest ....etc.
So what do you say to Carma ? was her conversations not connected or honest ... What do you say to Carma's husband and Bf?

I'm sure your conversations with your husband and other partner or partners are connected and honest and authentic....so if or when restless heart syndrome rears its ugly head you can write the details then.

It seems at times you and others here just look for things to be offend by. The last two sentences... which sentences..

This topic and the "poetic name" which I heard came up sitting around a camp fire discussing someone's current relationship situation. During that conversation 7 year itch, roving eye ... were used.

Yes my wife has sought help ....quite expensive help I might add.

My personal aftermath story is off topic.....so if are truly interested in that PM me.


RP

Ditto see above..... also Carma's comments

Her biggest Offense ....really ....that's a very enlightened arm chair view.
I'm really surprised you want to weigh in like this ...knowing what you know.

Isn't your whole relationship with mono more or less predicated on the RHS (Restless Heart Syndrome).... "at some point we know this will end" ????

The concept of serial cheater using poly for cover has been discussed to death ....so why is what I said so untrue or inaccurate.

Carma

Thank you VERY VERY much for your comments. I wish others would chime in.

I wasn't try to "cast" bad light I was trying to be accurate ....good or bad ...I did take out the foul language I'm sure I used in those "conversations" or talks. Talks is better right ...cindie

Thanks D
 

Derbylicious

New member
I do know what you're talking about DH. I've seen a number of people post here for whom this is their introduction to the world of poly. I'm glad it wasn't my experience. It's hard enough when things are changing and you're both on the same page as being internally non-monogamous. It must really feel like a blindside if you're not in the same place internally.

You're still hurting deeply from this, aren't you? A lot of what you write sounds very angry.
 

SourGirl

Member
I was refering specifically to the senario of one spouse saying "I'm poly and have always been this way, and this is how things are going to be...". Just the whole one-sided ness of that type of statement doesn't sound like it comes from a healthy relationship to start with. There's no denying that even in healthy relationships thing can get turned upside down and ass backwards very quickly.

It was presented as speculation, so I piped in to say I have seen it happen. In that exact scenario. Also seen it happen in online stories. Repeatedly.

When people are fearful, they can deny things for many years. Sometimes a lifetime before they admit it to themselves or others. That why they can be in a healthy marriage, as neither party has outward admittance of it.

The trouble is, people can also THINK they were a certain way in hindsight, as they pick and choose what they want to see. Those ones tend to have some instability.

*******
I think it would be wise of people to acknowledge, the darker side of poly. Rather then dismissing what Dingedheart says, due to his personal issue.

Seeing/admitting the darker side of poly, and the emotional toll it takes, can only help well-meaning people do better, and think before they act.
 

nycindie

Active member
nycindie,

So what your saying is you've never read stories with these elements of commonality? You need to read the new to poly section.

What about the 3-4 people who posted before you who did identify with the concept and conversation. ???

. . . why do you want to debate my word "conversation" or rather belittle it as not connected or honest ....etc.
So what do you say to Carma ? was her conversations not connected or honest ... What do you say to Carma's husband and Bf?

. . . It seems at times you and others here just look for things to be offend by. The last two sentences... which sentences..
You misunderstand me. Sure, some elements of the conversation you posted in the first message may be common to other couples. What I was saying is that it wasn't really sounding like a conversation where two people are listening and negotiating with each other, nor connecting in a heartfelt way about something that is a major shift in a relationship. I felt sad reading it.

I was not belittling the conversation, nor taking issue with the word "conversation." I was pointing out where I could see how unfair it would feel to be on the receiving end of that kind of talk. If that is how the conversation went between you and your wife, who approached you about being non-monogamous, your posted scenario sounded more like you were steamrolled and told what you would have to accept. That is what I was saying. You were being talked at, and not really listened to. There was no give and take nor compassion for your position in what you wrote. Obviously, I was not alone in seeing it that way. Before my response, Carma posted, "Wow I hope my husband doesn't read this. It casts everything in the worst light." Your pain is palpable in the scenario you posted. As I said, I feel for you.

Other people have their opinions, I have mine. My post was not meant to negate anyone else's. I simply shared how I perceived what you wrote here. And what I perceived was lots of anger and bitterness being broadcast. This is in the General Discussions forum, and so I am participating in the discussion.

In addition, I was not offended at all by anything in it. Being offended is a choice -- a stranger on the internet doesn't have the power to do that to me. I only pointed out how saying, "Do people find poly..... out of boredom, or narcissistic ...self entitlement . . ." looked to me like another way your bitterness about everything was being expressed, because it made it sound like poly is a way to use people. I have no problem with you saying that. Some people do use poly as an excuse for other behaviors. But not every situation is so manipulative and full of such deep, deep pain.

The basic gist of my reply was to say that your pain and anger comes across loud and clear, and that I feel compassion for you if that is how the conversations went for you.

I also posted that response to say that the way you depicted that conversation sounded like you were identifying the need to be non-monogamous as the main problem for a relationship, but that isn't necessarily the case. Your situation was a disaster, and not really what anyone would want from poly. If a relationship is strong and the two people are honest and ethical about approaching non-monogamy, which your wife was NOT (and anyone can read your threads to see why not), poly can not only work but also bring people closer and enhance what they have, as has been seen here many times.

I am very glad she is in therapy. It sounds like you still have much unresolved anger and bitterness toward her, though, so I hope you are finding something therapeutic for yourself as well.

Because you and your husband came to this forum from a mutual perspective . . . I'm sure your conversations with your husband and other partner or partners are connected and honest and authentic....so if or when restless heart syndrome rears its ugly head you can write the details then.
FYI, I am separated and embracing poly as a solo person. My soon-to-be ex-husband is not a member here. But yes, I try to be as open and honest as I can in my conversations with lovers and anyone I am close to. I have taken numerous workshops in communication over the course of 20+ years, and made enough blunders in expressing myself, to have learned that really listening to someone is often the biggest challenge for many people. We all tend to want our agenda and have to put that aside to truly hear what someone else wants, absorb it, and be considerate about it. I don't think you were really considered enough in that scenario, so I hope things have improved for you.

The term Restless Heart Syndrome doesn't make sense to me in a poly situation, maybe you can explain what you mean by it.
 
Last edited:

NeonKaos

Custodian
There should be a thread about the darker side of poly because i agree that there is a panacea attitude that poly just means more love and how can you go wrong with more love? While there is all kinds of stuff that the other partner is supposed to suck up and deal with (even if they are also poly-minded) because it's all about more love so how could that be a bad thing.

People do the most wretched things in the name of "love".

But a thread about it - that would be too pessimistic, wouldn't it?
 
Top