Revoking of consent

Inaniel

Well-known member
I think this is important enough of an issue to give it priority above the advice of internet strangers and seek out a counselor/therapist who can help you manage your feelings and relationships.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
After any kind of SA, there are two main approaches to regaining a sense of autonomy over your body.

One is to have clear boundaries that are communicated effectively to your partners, and if they cross any of them you end whatever is happening and return to the communication that your no/stop means just that. It sounds like you could still do some healing work that means you don't feel like need to resort to fight mode (or any other reactive behaviour) when ending the action. Making boundaries is about making a plan for how YOU act (not react) when someone pushes up against them. Not about making rules for another.

And two, you do therapy that allows you to have boundaries that aren't so limiting on yourself and others so that you can regain a healthy level of vulnerability in sex when you aren't in any actual danger. You do not need to spend your life being uncomfortable with new partners because of a prior event. Yes, consent is great, and I highly recommend being able to give it liberally with chosen partners.

These two things aren't mutually exclusive, in case that wasn't obvious.

I hope you have apologised to each other for this incident and can move forward with a growing a healthy intimacy.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I am sorry this happened.

I always question whether this was bad enough for me to question the relationship. Additionally my other boyfriend kind of gives me the feeling that he thinks the problem is not as bad as I make it seem.

I think basic sex ed growing up is lacking for a lot of people. How to deal with SA or be a partner of an SA survivor? That doesn't usually get covered in basic sex ed enough.

It might be that all three could benefit from counseling since you are an SA survivor and they are your partners.

The way I see it he performed a sexual action on me even though I specifically revoked my consent.

He did. Even the "just a kiss, but oops got too passionate and went back to oral" You wanted full stop.

However he is not a machine like you turn the key and boom. Engine stops. In the heat of the moment, it may take him a bit of time to process what you said and then actually stop.

There is an area in between those two points that you both might have to address.

Over here even when not doing kink, we use colors. And both check in periodically.
  • Green is "good to go"
  • Yellow is "proceed with caution."
  • Red is "stop to discuss, pull back. Maybe continue with some adjustments, maybe not."
  • Black is "abort mission." Full stop, everyone stand up.
There might be others in there like "orange" which is between yellow and red. Or "dark green" for REALLY good and go, go!

But that gives some space for people being human. Really hot sex can send people off into floaty head spaces. Only having "green, go" and "red, stop" may not give enough transition space. Sometimes talking to me can be like... my body is here, but my mind is a million miles away having a good time. I have to come back down to earth before I can hear and understand what is being communicated, but using colors I can tell how fast I need to reel it back in.

So maybe something to consider adding if you don't use that already. Using colors for faster/clearer communication during sex.

Is this not a big deal 'cause it was just a couple of seconds, 'cause he didn't want to hurt me? I am very confused.

It could be both.
  • It IS a big deal to you.
  • He didn't want to hurt you.
And... given years of consent issues you still have to decide what to do next about it.
  • Adjust expectations for the stopping period to be more realistic? Start using colors to improve communication during sex? Something else?
  • Try SA counseling with him and improve education, communication, and other things between you?
  • Or just end it with this guy?
You also have to decide what to do with other BF. Would he do SA counseling with you?

And then if you start seeing someone new? Do the SA work with a counselor with them?


Galagirl
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Inaniel is right, some things are too important (and sensitive) to discuss amongst internet strangers. Seek a therapist in this case.
 

Heddie

New member
I am sorry this happened.



I think basic sex ed growing up is lacking for a lot of people. How to deal with SA or be a partner of an SA survivor? That doesn't usually get covered in basic sex ed enough.

It might be that all three could benefit from counseling since you are an SA survivor and they are your partners.



He did. Even the "just a kiss, but oops got too passionate and went back to oral" You wanted full stop.

However he is not a machine like you turn the key and boom. Engine stops. In the heat of the moment, it may take him a bit of time to process what you said and then actually stop.

There is an area in between those two points that you both might have to address.

Over here even when not doing kink, we use colors. And both check in periodically.
  • Green is "good to go"
  • Yellow is "proceed with caution."
  • Red is "stop to discuss, pull back. Maybe continue with some adjustments, maybe not."
  • Black is "abort mission." Full stop, everyone stand up.
There might be others in there like "orange" which is between yellow and red. Or "dark green" for REALLY good and go, go!

But that gives some space for people being human. Really hot sex can send people off into floaty head spaces. Only having "green, go" and "red, stop" may not give enough transition space. Sometimes talking to me can be like... my body is here, but my mind is a million miles away having a good time. I have to come back down to earth before I can hear and understand what is being communicated, but using colors I can tell how fast I need to reel it back in.

So maybe something to consider adding if you don't use that already. Using colors for faster/clearer communication during sex.



It could be both.
  • It IS a big deal to you.
  • He didn't want to hurt you.
And... given years of consent issues you still have to decide what to do next about it.
  • Adjust expectations for the stopping period to be more realistic? Start using colors to improve communication during sex? Something else?
  • Try SA counseling with him and improve education, communication, and other things between you?
  • Or just end it with this guy?
You also have to decide what to do with other BF. Would he do SA counseling with you?

And then if you start seeing someone new? Do the SA work with a counselor with them?


Galagirl
Thank you for your kind reply. I don't think SA couple counseling is common in my country.
 
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