Rhinestone Ramblings


New member
Well, I have to call it something and I like bling and I tend to ramble on...

Where to start? There's a summary over in the summary section, but I guess I could revisit that here, huh?

Bear (not his real name, but a good descriptor) and I have been married for seven years and are totally new to poly. Wet behind the ears and all of that. When we started looking for a gf neither of us had ever heard the term "unicorn" or "unicorn hunter". All we knew when this started was that we desire a third, a female. Why? Well, because I am bi.

I'm not even sure that poly is the right term for us because I have no desire to form any kind of romantic attachment with any man other than him and I don't want to have a harem of women either. As for him, well, his whole desire for a triad is that when I've been with a woman I am more responsive to him and he enjoys watching me with another woman.

This we know because back in the fall I had an encounter with my best friend (that I'm in love with, but that's another, sad, story). Subsequent to that I was really hot in the sack, he most certainly benefited from that encounter. I wanted to have a continuing relationship with her but because of an erroneous assumption she made, it went to further than the one time.

I'll get back to her.

I felt slightly guilty about having an encounter with her without him being present so when the opportunity for an encounter with another friend arose, I took it. The three of us had a great time... but there's nothing but a friend relationship there. A few weeks ago there was another encounter with a friend who is poly, MtF pre-op intersexed/trans. Again, that was kind of ok fun, but there's no relationship other than friendship there. And I'm just not the swinging type of girl though that's what we've done.

Back to the best friend. I love her. I've been in love with her for years. She's married to an absolute asshole that she has finally decided to divorce. We both held a desire to have her as a kind of sister-wife, but, she has lots of issues to work out, is talking about moving away, is dealing with some pretty serious mental-health problems, and while she knows that we both love her... she's just not on board with having this relationship now. I'm not sure she ever wants it. So we remain just friends and I move on.

Ok. A little heart break. Not as bad as in the fall, but still some heart break.

We decide to put up some personal ads and see where that takes us. I put up ads on numerous sites, found okcupid while out searching, put up an ad there, and have met a really lovely young woman.

I'll get to her in a minute...

I've never been into one-night stands, the idea of swinging grosses me out, I want a relationship. I want a MFF relationship where we all love each other, respect each other, share our lives together, etc. I had no idea I was seeking the Holy Grail. The Sword in the Stone. A Unicorn. None.At.All.

Clueless, eh? Yes. But ohhhhhhhh SO pretty! (reference here: credit card commercial with Ukrainian guy named Peggy. He looks at all the blinky lights on the phones and says, "Sooo pretty.")

So, we meet Lovely online. We chat with her nearly daily. Lovely has also never been in any kind of poly relationship. She wants to date us because what she's tried in the past hasn't worked, maybe, she says, this will.

We talk on the phone for three hours the other night, that was the first time on the phone. She feels put on the spot on the phone, prefers onlne or face to face chatting. But, she got on the phone with us.

She's intelligent, articulate, funny... quite a joy to talk with. She really enjoyed talking to us (she said) and we have a date this coming Saturday.

I'm practically giddy to meet her! Must be that NRE (another new term for me).

She has a child, we have three. We are all Christians. She /thinks/ she needs to get on fetlife but her fetishes are really quite vanilla. I'm pretty vanilla myself. No whips, chains, restraints, blindfolds, pork-n-beans, balloons, spanking, or ball gags for me, thanks anyway. It just doesn't excite me. Ok, wait... that's not true.... I think it's funny. It's like porn. I find porn hysterical. I like erotic pictures, but videos of people having sex just crack me up. (He's gonna put that WHERE? OMG it's HUGE!!! Get a cleaver!!!! What's with her face? People don't really look like that during sex!)

We, all three of us, have a dinner date Saturday. I'm really looking forward to meeting her in the flesh, and I"m hoping that we all like each other well enough to embark on a dating relationship and see where it goes.

We are all in agreement that we don't want to jump into anything hastily. Never bed nor a relationship. We will chat, date, get to know each other. She lives nearly two hours : ( So it's not going to be easy to spend as much time with her as we'd like.

Now, there is ONE thing that I really have to wrap my mind around. That is, if this relationship develops into a romantic and sexual relationship then Bear states that there's a very high likely hood that he will have sex with her when I'm not around.

Enter the green-headed monster.

On a very intellectual level I recognize that it would be utterly ridiculous for me to expect that my lovers won't make love without me there. Dur. My heart says that I want him to love our third (even if that turns out to not be Lovely), for her to love him, for me to love her, her to love me, and all that entails... so WHY did I feel that frisson of fear when he said that? What a silly response.

What I replied to him though was, "Well, of course." But I know I have to tell him about that gut reaction. And feel dumb while doing it! Because it IS dumb.

Something we have talked about is that he doesn't want a gf that isn't also into me. He doesn't want to go out and date. He wants this because of how it makes me, of how happy I am when I've been with a woman.

And, that's not really poly, is it? But it's also not polygamy even if we do end up with a sister-wife because the polygamy community maintains that the wives should not have romantic or sexual relationships with anyone but the husband.

Ahhhh, how convoluted can we get?

One other thing and then I'll shut up...

Currently no one in our regular social circle knows that we are embarking upon this adventure. Hell, there are LOTS of people I know (including most of my family and all of his) that don't even know I'm bi. All of our friends know, a couple people at my church know, my sister knows... but not my parents, not his mom... and if this relationship we're developing, or some other later relationship should evolve into a "let's all live together" relationship, well, I'm sure they'll all eventually figure it out.

I guess I'll deal with that when the time comes.

But for right now, I'm going to be a little giddy over the prospect of new love, I'm going to enjoy dating, watching to see what will happen, and just being me as much as I can.
Love your blog title - I love all things sparkly!

It is very, very common to have a gut reaction of 'I can sleep with her by myself; we can sleep with her; but you are sure as shooting not sleeping with her by yourself.'

Now if he is ok with that (after you admit it sheepishly) and she is ok with that, well, people had made weirder arrangements work. It is truly up to the folks in the (at this point potential) relationship.

And it is good that you recognize you have this reaction. Not everyone is that self-aware. So take a look at it. See what is 'really' fueling the reaction. Are you afraid of comparisions? Fear of losing your special place in his life and affections? Fear of being replaced? (I'm not saying any of these is the reason for your reaction but they are some of the more common underlying emotions.) Reactions like these are sometimes easier to cope with if you understand their root cause. (And sometimes knowing the root cause doesn't help end the reaction but that's another post.)

*Adds 'pork-n-beans' to my fetish list*
Love your blog title - I love all things sparkly!

*Adds 'pork-n-beans' to my fetish list*

Thanks and LOL

Years ago there was a website: deviantdesires.com. The front page of the site had various pictures of fetish play. There was this one.... hawt chick in thigh-highs, thong, and spike heels, with pork-n-beans running over her (really nice) rear end. Maybe me LMAO! I mean, I like pork-n-beans, but as a side to a sammich, not with my sex! LOL

At lunch I told him about the jealousy issue. First I said, "There is nothing you can do to fix this, I just need you to listen because I want to be absolutely honest with you."

He knows me SO well. He said, "I knew you'd react that way."

It's really odd that I would react that way since I've watched him make love to another woman and had nothing but positive reactions to it. I don't know WHY I'd be bothered if he were with someone alone. I'm thinking on it, working through it and all of that.
Ahhhh NRE <3

Bear and I had a fabulous two hour conversation with Lovely last night. I wish she didn't live two hours away!

It's so much fun getting to know someone, especially when it's for the purpose of determining whether a dating relationship will work out or not.

Bear started asking her sexual questions, which kind of annoyed me. Yes, if we do start a relationship we will have sex, but I am really not quite comfortable with going there yet. Is that a guy thing? To really start focusing on what kind of sex we can have?

Silly question... I know my Bear. He /really/ enjoys sex. Not that I don't, but his mind is geared to start thinking about it earlier than mine.

When it's just she and I talking we focus on other things... our kids, experiences we've had that are similar, things we like to do, or don't like to do. Hair, makeup, nails, clothes. Girl stuff. I'm sure we'd eventually get around to talking about sex, but not as quickly as Bear. He's ready to "git 'er done"! So to speak.

Silly man.
'Scuse me - sorry to interrupt but can someone explain (or PM me) about the whole "pork-n-beans" reference? (Unless I don't want to know...in which case, don't tell me)


My comment referrred to the 'fetish list' on Fetlife. Fetlife is a social media site, kinda similar to Facebook, where kinksters, fetishists, and BDSM enthusiasts of all sorts can interact, post pictures and videos, write about stuff, post on forums, find friends - all that social media-y stuff.

The fetish list on Fet tells other people what you are into - bondage, spanking, whatever. And people make up funny fetishes too. (I have Doctor Who as a fetish for instance.)

Pink's comment about pork-n-beans as a fetish cracked me up and so I responded.

Although, you know about the porn rule right? 'If it exists, there is porn about it.' So although I was joking, there are probably serious pork-n-beans fetishists out there.

*Returns PinkDragon's blog to her*

Pink's comment about pork-n-beans as a fetish cracked me up and so I responded.

Although, you know about the porn rule right? 'If it exists, there is porn about it.' So although I was joking, there are probably serious pork-n-beans fetishists out there.

*Returns PinkDragon's blog to her*

LOL I sent her a PM to explain
A great visit

Our plans for a date Saturday night fell apart. That happens when you have kids! However, we did manage to meet!

We had a little gathering/bbq at our casa yesterday, Lovely came to visit. We spent hours talking.

She's really quite fun to be around. Gets most of the corny jokes that we throw around, found out that Bear and I act in front of our friends the way that we act on the phone; i.e, we pick at each other in a loving way.

I wasn't as attracted to her right off like Bear was, but that's ok. Like so many have pointed out to me, I can't expect that Bear and I will fall in love with a person the same way, at the same rate, nor that she will fall for both of us in the same way. Or even that there will be any falling.

There is, however, quite a bit of liking going on. Bear and Lovely had a much more *bam* connection than she and I did, but there is a connection there.

I'm looking forward to seeing her again in a couple of weeks, I think there is going to be a fair amount of driving back and forth for all of us.

Ahhhh, and thus starts a new dating experience :eek:
Well now, that's an interesting reaction

I missed a conversation between Bear and Lovely this weekend. It seems that her daughter's best friend's dad, who is her friend, has been crushing on her for about a year. She just found out about it.

My first thought? She should date him! And us, too, of course LOL But I think she should explore the possibilities of a relationship with him. I'd be really happy for her.

Some unicorn hunter I am, huh?

So with that in mind, I had a chat with Bear about, uhhhhh.... crap, I have to go look up the term... Ok, I can't find that handy-dandy post with terms and definitions. Bummer. Anyway, I think it's a safe-sex circle. Y'all know what I mean though, right?

We are disease free. I would like to STAY that way. So, I'm going to be (I kid you not, this is what Bear said) the "pussy nazi". I get to vet everyone and their everyone and make sure that everybody has a clean bill of health from their doctor.

So, later I'm going to talk to Lovely about the guy and tell her to go for it, IF she wants : )
Getting a complex here

I'm starting to get a complex...someone, most likely lots of someones look and perhaps read this little blog of mine, but no one comments... LOL
It's official

Lovely is officially "our" girlfriend.

She and I were talking this evening, we had a very odd conversation. Tonight was the first time either one of us has ever had this type of conversation... about poly in general, if she wants to date the other guy (she doesn't), fluid bonding, safe sex... things that I've never discussed before.

It was a little awkward, but the honesty of it was really refreshing.

She's been reading about poly, learning terms, figuring out where she fits in this whole lifestyle changing decision that we've all made.

We talked about whether or not we want to have this triad, I do, she does, Bear is happy as long as I am happy, so he's cool with it. We decided that we want to explore the possibilities of this relationship.

I feel a little giddy.

Can I squee?

:::clearing throat::: sorry... I'll try to rein in my more girly impulses. Squ-- dammit, that one almost got out.

Seriously though, we don't know what we're going but when have there ever really been rules for how to conduct a relationship. Each one is unique.

Oh, and Bear (who wasn't feeling well) left the room when I started stripping and repainting my nails. Instead of picking up an extension, he decided that Lovely and I needed "girl time." Awwww, how sweet : )

So. There we have it. I am officially in a poly LDR triad. I'm thinking road trip on Monday:D
I'm starting to get a complex...someone, most likely lots of someones look and perhaps read this little blog of mine, but no one comments... LOL

Oh we are looking and reading! (as of the time of this writing it looks like your blog has 260 views).

The rules for the blogs are different than the other sections of the site - a place for people to tell their stories, not a place for debate or discussion. So most of the time people read without commenting until someone has asked for input. We are lurkers in the blogs :cool: (I will sometimes PM someone if I really want to comment on something in a blog because I don't want to interrupt the flow of the story.)

Thank you for sharing your story with us.
Feelings... oh oh oh feelings

I know that in triads that all the participants don't feel the same about each other. That one person can be more into one than into the other in all the perambulations that exist.

So, that said, why I certainly like Lovely, I'm fairly sure that she's more into both of us than I am into her, and that Bear is more into her than I am. And, that's fine.

Maybe I'll develop more romantic feelings as time goes on. Maybe I won't.

If I don't, I'm already seeing her as /his/ gf, not mine.

There is nothing about her that is wrong, or gross, or anything negative. Quite the opposite, there are all kinds of good things about her. She just doesn't make my liver quiver.

Maybe it's the distance thing. While I've dated people that I met online, and Bear and I met online, those relationships became face-to-face relationships after a couple of weeks. This relationship is 99% online and on the phone.

For me it seems to be difficult to maintain that NRE when I don't get to SEE the person.

Gah, I feel like a flake. Lovely and I agreed that we want to explore this relationship and see what the possibilities are. But right this instant, I'm feeling rather ambivalent about the whole thing.

Oh, and did I mention that I have a depression issue? Yeah... I take meds, but it raises it's ugly head every now and then and I'm feeling a little down. And /that/ throws EVERYTHING off.

One of my besties says that I act just like his wife, who has bipolar. Lemme tell ya, I've been up and somewhat manic for the last week and now, here I am sliding off into the cess pool. Oh joy, oh thrill.

The good news is that I recognize (generally) when I'm sliding off my cracker and can take some steps to ameliorate the problem. And, I can warn those around me that I'm feeling off. That helps them to deal with my mood swings.

Huh, maybe y'all should just ignore me for a day or two until I'm feeling better. Too bad there isn't a rescue inhaler for depression LOL Oh, and despite being depressed, I will continue to crack jokes and be silly. It's part of how I deal with it and pump myself back up.

I will most likely feel completely different in a couple of days. I'll let ya know when I've dragged myself back to the shore and out of the mire : )
But right this instant, I'm feeling rather ambivalent about the whole thing.

If it makes you feel any better, I suffer from an intermittent anxiety disorder which expresses itself very similarly to what you've described. Even during the few weeks that I've been getting to know and understand poly, I've reached points of ambivalence regarding the whole thing.

I think the problem for me is that I just get emotionally worn out. I'm filled with a mixture of excitement and worry and sexual tension all the time, and I vacillate around between them very rapidly. This, coupled with opening myself up to being attracted to new people (and the NRE that comes with it) has, on occasion, just completely worn me out.

Maybe it's not the same thing, but it struck me when reading your post that I've been feeling sort of the same way.
Just remember that whatever you feel is ok. This is not counting anything that exists for you as an ongoing problematic condition that you're trying to fight, such as depression or anxiety, obviously. But in terms of your like/love/lust or lack of any of the above for any given person, there is no right or wrong in that, no way it should be other than what it is. Any pressure or expectations on yourself to the contrary will just be counterproductive. Hope you feel better soon!!
Bipolar much?

Yesterday evening I swung out of my slump. All of a sudden I was happy, smiley, and a bit manic.

This morning things are good. There are kittens running around under my chair playing, the moma cat is purring and cooing at her babies, my dog is in the house instead of under the house, the sky is blue, the weather nice enough to have the house open, and the first thing i did this morning was check for messages from Lovely with excited expectation.

There was one : ) Yay!

Bear asks me yesterday when I'm going to ask her to move in. That startled me. I thought he was saying that he wants that. My response was that in several months to a year if I feel that's the way the relationship is going then we'll discuss it but that I have no intentions of that at the present moment. He allayed my fears of his impending insanity by saying, "Good. I was just checking that we're on the same page."

Holy Mother of God! Don't DO that to me!!!! I nearly had a coronary!

Maybe I'll point an empty gun at him and pull the trigger. When he freaks I'll just say, "Oh, I was just checking to make sure it's empty." >< (jk, folks, I wouldn't ACTUALLY do that, just an illustration!)

We told our eldest child over dinner yesterday that we're dating Lovely. He's nearly 21. His response was, "Whatever you guys want to do, it's your relationship." Yay! I done good! I raised him to be open-minded.

I also told Lovely that I had forgotten to tell her that I sometimes cycle a bit emotionally. She was wonderfully understanding.

Well. Those are my random thoughts for this morning. I should do things like get dressed now... LOL

Lovely should be here soon!

The three of us decided that it makes more sense for her to come here than us to go there because we have a huge house and she has a one bedroom apartment.

It's a full house this weekend at our casa. Me, Bear, our three boys, the eldest boy's gf, and then Lovely and her daughter will be here soon. I'm all aflutter!

Sunday is going to be interesting. I was sick on Mother's Day, I didn't even go to church (I'm the pianist). So, we are having a Mother's/Father's Day lunch celebration here because, well, we have the biggest house. So add my parents, my sister, bil and their three children to the mix.

I think I've mentioned before that Sister and BIL know about Lovely. For my parents though, she's "just a friend". If our relationship proceeds to where we decide that we want to handfast then we'll deal with the parents. Basically we'll tell them that we're practicing polygamy. :::shrug::: I don't know... Hell, I'm nearly 42. Maybe it's time I told my parents that I'm gay?

Ok, bi, whatever. I really do think of myself, way down deep inside, as being gay. Even if I do like men. :::shrug::: Who can figure out the human psyche? I just read a letter from a woman to her 15 year old self over on fb about grasping the edge of the sink, looking into the mirror and saying, admitting, "I'm gay." I've been there. I did that. Of course, I wasn't 15. I hid who I am until I was in my late 20's.

So, anyway... at some point if our relationship progresses to the point where we decide to all live together and mingle all facets of our lives our parents are going to notice. My parents are 77 and 80. Bear's mom, who is a pastor (of course, Bear is also ordained though he let his license lapse) is 68.

This isn't something straight people of that generation take well. Not to mention that they'll all tell me that I'm going to hell.

Maybe I just call her my "sister-wife"?

What I really want to do is shout from the mountain tops, "I'm gay!!!!" But I feel that I have a greater responsibility to protect my parents than to be true to myself.

What kind of fucked up world do I live in?

And why am I telling y'all this? Maybe because I feel safe here? And, I do. I feel like there's nothing I can say that y'all are going to judge me for. You will caution me to be careful in this triad, but you won't just tell me that I'm wrong. Though I did feel like I got that a little at first. I understand the why of it, I understand the pitfalls.... but I really don't see myself as a unicorn hunter.

For all that she is "our" girlfriend, there is a deeper relationship between her and Bear than between me and her. But, there is a deeper relationship between Bear and I than either of us have with her. Of course, Bear and I have been together 7+ years. We've been through A LOT together.

This is what "a lot" is: Three months into our marriage I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had surgery. And then I had radiation and chemo. Praise be to God, I came through all of that and have fairly good health despite the long-term side effects of treatment. My vagina is really messed up from the radiation. In addition to having the same issues as a post-menopausal woman that doesn't have sex (even though I do, a lot) I have scar tissue, I tear and bleed. My libido DIED for about three years. I have bouts of "cancer flu". I've recently been diagnosed with degenerative disc disease and arthritis that is a direct result of the chemo.

And, to top it ALL off :::::drum roll::: my depression and anxiety issues got worse! Yay!!! Bring on the drugs! (Truly, it's a chemical imbalance. I've been to years of therapy and there's no reason for my personal insanity.)

I'm dealing with aging issues that I didn't think I'd have to face until I was in my 60's. I didn't know this is what my 40's would look like.

However, before you decide that I need a straight jacket and a padded room... I'm a really happy, upbeat person. I am learning to pace myself. I'm learning to delegate responsibility and to be grateful for children that help me clean house. No, it's not like what it would be if I did it (spotless), but it is dusted, it is vacuumed, and swept and mopped...

And what the hell does that have to do with my sexual orientation and the lifestyle I have decided to lead? I have no freaking idea. I'm just stream-of-consciousness writing.

Right... triad... relationship.

I don't mind that they have a deeper connection. It bothers him a little though, and he's been pushing us together more. Of course, that's on the phone.

She and I have finally reached the point where we are flirting with each other. We're teasing each other in an overtly sexual manner instead of just acting like giggly girlfriends. Which we are, and that's good. I LIKE my giggle girlfriends. But I'm really glad that there is a sexual component to my relationship with her.

Still, perhaps someday there will come a time when we'll decide to take the next step in our relationship and my parents will notice that something is up. I suppose I'll have to say, "Well, I always knew that I had to hide who I am so I always did. I'm tired of hiding. I'm still who I always was, now you just know."

Squeee!!! She's here! ttyl! : )
Raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

I don't know why I have that song in my head. Silly, I know.

We had a really great weekend. Monday the three of us went out on an actual date to a nice Italian restaurant. On the way home Bear decided that he wanted to make his fabulous spaghetti sauce. Lovely and I helped him get everything chopped up for it and then had a wonderful three hour nap. It was delightful waking up beside her all the time : )

The dynamics of the relationship continue to change and evolve. She and I spent a lot of time talking about a whole host of topics, and since a lot of these conversations happened while we were naked in bed you know where that went and that was wonderful also ;)

I absolutely adore my husband. I can't imagine my life without my Bear, but I feel somewhat guilty that I my poor broken body (I guess I'll have to tell y'all that story, too) responds better to her touch than his.

Broken body story: Six years ago I was diagnosed with cervical cancer. I had the whole protocol for dealing with it. Surgery, radiation and chemo. Voila! Instant menopause. And, one of the results of the treatment is that I have vaginal atrophy and scar tissue. Due to these two things my lubrication glands don't work very well.... unless I'm with a woman. Then they work just fine.

I don't understand WHY my body works that way. I am certainly no more excited about her than him.... it's pretty equal. But, that's the way of it, and it makes me feel guilty. ::shrug::

So, emotionally I'm a little confused. I really like Lovely, I'm enjoying our relationship as well as her relationship with Bear and our triad relationship... but I have issues that I'm trying to work through.

The biggest issue, the HUGE issue is that I want to change her. And that's really bad. Really, really bad. I want to change the way she dresses. On the one hand that seems really petty, on the other hand I'd like to put her in clothes that flatter her body. I recognize that the desire to change someone, no matter how petty the change is bad.

Granted, she's a single mom, going to school, working a minimum wage job so it's not like she has extra cash to go out and buy a bunch of clothes. She makes do with what she has.

LOL Maybe it's the artist in me? I want to make everything as pretty as I can?

What I'm going to do though is to keep my mouth shut and not say anything to her. This is MY problem, not hers.

As for the big L word... I'm not in love with her. I love her like a friend. Left to my own devices I would not have started a sexual relationship as soon as it started, but Bear pushed it and I didn't say, "Whoa." Of course, Lovely isn't complaining because it had been a long, long time for her.

I'm afraid that it's just complicated matters for me on the emotional front because I'm not in the habit of just jumping into bed with people for fun.

Then there's the complication of children. Lovely's daughter desperately wants a daddy and she is seeing Bear as the one that can fill that need. My concern is that we'll date for a while, decide this isn't working out the way we want it to and then a sweet little girl gets her heart broken.

Gah. I've got too many conflicting emotions. I thought that if I sat down and started writing that I would be able to work some of it out, but I haven't. Now it all seems bigger than it was before I started writing.
Wanting to change little things about your partner, wondering if you fell into bed at the right time, wondering about feelings, worrying that kids will get too attached... this is all perfectly normal adult dating stuff. Just keep being honest and compassionate and take care of yourself, and I think you will be just fine.
Thanks, Anna : )