Role models breaking up

Norwegianpoly

New member
Hi,

I am not sure if others have this issue, but I feel very affected by it when some of my friends choose to end their relationships. I am sure they did their best to keep the relationships going, perhaps they were bad matches to begin with and so on, but I still feel bad when my friends break up, at least until they find new partners. Often I try to keep in contact with everyone, but I am often still sad.

With my poly friends, I feel this even stronger. My poly network in my own contry is not big. The issue is that people often not only break up, but they question polyamory. If they belonged to a long standing couple, typically the couple remains and the newest additions are the ones that fall out, either way I try to be in contact if I can.

Recent events are; I have known this poly family for a few years, in fact they helped build the community in my city. The last year or so, instead of throwing parties they have been ought of sight. I was a little worried, and this week they confirmed that they are no longer a V. Even if I have been in the community longer than they have, I have only dated poly proper for the last 2,5 years. While I don't have role models per se, they were close to it in a sense. They had a stable economy and were able to buy a house together, they shared pets and travelled, everything I want to do but have a baby. They were even open with family. I saw myself slowly changing my life to something that looked like theirs. I have other people I look up to, but I feel so sad. I worry that I will loose touch with them because we no longer have this important thing in common.

Have anyone been in this situation and want to offer any advice?
 

AlwaysGrowing

Well-known member
Both long-term couples that I know that became poly (I knew one when they were mono, met the other right after they opened their relationship) are currently divorcing. In one set, the husband left his wife for his girlfriend. In the other, they both realized that they were incompatible (he decided more mono, she is resolutely poly) and are amicably splitting/still friends/still mildly relationship-y until he meets someone else.

I cried. Like, ridiculously. In my mind, these people were my real life proof that people can be happy and poly. That I'm not a weirdo. I know there are tons of examples of successful relationships on this forum, but it's not the same as seeing it work in real life.

So, I empathize. I don't really have advice other than to be there for your friends. That's all I'm doing. The dude that left his wife has cut everyone off and is treating everyone like crap, so his ex needs the support. It stinks because I thought I knew him. We used to be great friends. I think I should have seen it coming with his slight attitude changes and pulling away over the last 2 years. Oh, well.

I now try to not need role models. I'm in a happy, healthy, loving marriage and a happy, healthy, loving relationship with my boyfriend. That's all I need.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
My older brother and his wife are divorcing each other even as we speak. They aren't poly but they're rather progressive and are a bit like role models in my mind. So this is hard to watch, it's not quite an amicable breakup and I don't want to take sides, I like both of them a lot.

The only advice I can give is to make yourself available as a listening ear or helping hand. And if this makes sense, let them be flawed and human and broken, as we all are to some extent.
 

2muchlove

New member
Yes I get this. Not poly but I am still upset about my uncle divorcing his wife. They were such a great couple and I loved her. Obviously I don't voice this, but that's how I feel - they were supposed to last forever! :( I can quite imagine that seeing other people who've 'made it work' feels important - that's why I came to this forum, in the hope that I'd find those people.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
Thank you for sharing the pain. I guess it is bad all around when people break up!

I am not sure if our friendship will survice this. The original couple have taken some measures to tell our local group that they are "no longer in a V", which I interprete as the newest guy dissapearing. They announced that the girl was "never poly on her own" and so they don't see a reason to stick around. They are sweet, private people who don't socialize much, so I assume this is the end of our friendship, too. I could be wrong. But I have tried to take social intiative for some time, I am not sure it is my place to do it now, nor if I would want to. I feel rejected, I suppose. I have sensed that something was wrong, but wheatever happened they did not turn to me or the group.

It is good to grief, it shows you cared... But I am sad. For some reason, I feel bad about the V's sign on their door, it was stylish with all their names and the name of the dog.

I realize that I have to do some things to rebuild the local group. This would be especially important if I want my own boyfriend to move to this town, he has told me that he thirsts for people who are interested in the poly part of our relationship (most people know but are not really interested in discussing the poly part).

I wish you will all find peace with the things going on in and around you :)
 
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Norwegianpoly

New member
Hi again everyone, just wanted to update:

While I wrote this, my husband actually contacted all of them to show his sympathy and ask what happened. It seems that the eldest guy got tired of the relationship not working out as he wanted it to be, so he told them he was out. The girl is crushed and they are selling the house. She and the other guy will rent or buy a flat together. And they all want to meet us... :cool:

So I guess I was being a bad friend and making it all about me. Thanks for having husbands that sometimes are better at taking action! I realize that I am more scared of loosing them than I am sad about the break-up :) .

Thanks veryone for sharing and listening :)
 
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