Sailing Solo


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Many thoughts in the past 24 hours about types of poly and open relationship styles.
One of my partners, A, is an open relationship that comes with many rules. We are going to have a sit down with the print out so I can see them all.
Here is what I know so far...

Veto ( has been wielded regularly and indiscriminately in the past )
One date per week
No sleeping with people who are cheating.
Dates not to last more than 14 hours.
No gifts, giving or receiving.
No anal.
No communication with secondaries when with primary. (usually Thurs-Mon)
No sexting.
No kissing or holding hands in public.
No acknowledging secondaries if seen out while with primary.

Where I am with these...
Veto..really uncomfortable with this. Has been used frequently by the primary as opposed to negotiating the problems.
One date per week...Really frustrating it would be nice to take the odd trip together.( have broken this rule but not on consecutive nights)
No sleeping with cheaters: Very fair
Dates not to last more than 14 hours. He seems fairly strict on this, but we have gone a little over a few times.
No gifts, giving or receiving: We are both acts of love type people, he bought a wall mount and hanged my tv for me. I paid him for it but he did the work. Sigh
No anal. Errm, maybe we have broken this rule.
No communication with secondaries when with primary. (usually Thurs-Mon): He will reply if I ask about scheduling or some such but no chat, no phone
No sexting The odd naughty text but certainly not a full on session.
No kissing or holding hands in public. I am not into PDA so no problem.
No acknowledging secondaries if seen out while with primary I was getting my nails done when he walked in with primary. I had the most uncomfortable 30 mins sitting right next to her. I was not aware of the rule when this happened and had no idea why I was given the "shush, it's a secret". Usually they would leave a place if a secondary is there to avoid introductions but he didn't see me till they sat down.

He got his scooter fixed last week. We got me a helmet and went for a drive along the coast, had a nice dinner, band was playing and we danced on the beach and had a lovely time. Out of the blue.."This would invoke a veto."
What? Why? What are we doing? Response "I am having too much fun with you."

Why do I put up with this...I am an activity slut and love going out to do things. Bar one or 2 occasions, every date has been out and about, sailing, skating, driving, massage, ice hockey game.

Much weighing up to do.


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Linguistics and semantics.
Having lived in a few different countries I have picked up a rather mixed vocabulary and range of idioms.
One noticeable difference is how people describe relationships, it even varies from region to region and city to city within a country.
I enjoy learning new words, poly is full of them, and regularly think about how they apply to me.
A is fond of the word "date". I am his "date" when he introduces me to people. We go out on "dates".
I don't think I have ever used the word "date". In the beginning I "meet" someone, if we like each other and progress we are "seeing" each other, I might use the phrase "going out with" in the sense of " I have been going out with A for 6 months" but that would also imply boyfriend/girlfriend ( to me). To say " I have been with...Joe for 1 year" would imply a serious bf/gf S.O. type relationship.
A says we have a "date", I say we are meeting.
I would say I am "seeing" my guys. Definitely not "dating".

So then how do I describe what we are to each other? ( and yes, I do love me a label)

So many different terms in common use..FB, FWB, Play partner, Spouse, gf/bf, Master/slave, Dom/Sub, sweetie, lover, SO, OSO, Partner, domestic partner, friend, confidante, primary, secondary, tertiary. I am sure I have missed a few.

First and foremost they are both my friends. When introducing them to my friends, family or colleagues, they are my friends.

In my head, C is my friend, lover, play partner, master, question answerer, emotional support, sharer of similar childhoods and travel experiences, big on communication.

A is my friend, lover, BDSM partner, master, offer to fix it without being asked person, hang out with the kids friend, open to doing all kinds of activities and also suggest many things to do partner.

The joy of poly...I get to enjoy them both!


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The List

I got to see the list ( 2 pages) last night and we went through it from the point of view of what rules have been broken and what are likely to get broken and which ones are hard and fast.

We did not get into what I agreed with and didn't agree with.

Not all of the rules apply to the "dates", but those that were, were aimed at limiting and restricting and development of an emotional connection.

Examples: Dates are not friends.
If strong feeling develop for dates then the relationship must end, if the date develops feelings then the relationship must end.
No remaining friends after the date has been vetoed.
Cannot introduce date to friends or family.
Dates have no say in the rules.

I think it is fair to say that the dates are to be treated like fuck buddies.

Rather than say anything then and there I have taken some time to process.
I come back to, "actions speak louder than words".

Has A treated my in anyway that makes me feel like a FB? No, I really don't think so. And that is the bottom line for me. It is fair to say we are both very fond of each other, lots of NRE to wallow in. Lots of great sex.

Can I live with these rules and the other ones? I think so. The only major annoyance is the veto and lack of extended time.

Otherwise, does this relationship work with what I want? Yes, nothing is perfect and the pros currently far outweigh the cons.

I am not looking for a primary type relationship, which is why I started seeing him and C in the first place. We can all care and enjoy but not have unrealistic expectations of white picket-fenced futures.

In peculiar twist to all this, A's primary wants to talk to me on the phone. She has never asked to talk to any of the "dates" before. I agreed. Looks like we will talk next week.


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Things are going fairly well.
A and C are going to meet next week. We are having a 3some, fingers crossed.
A hasn't had one before, neither have I, C has experienced a number so is going to take the lead in the beginning.

Lots of excited IMing going on. Expectations, want to try activities, basic ground rules, we are all in agreement at this point.

C made a rather cute comment... He has usually been invited to MFMs as the second M, and has never had to "share his girlfriend" with another man before. Apparently it is "different" with FMF and FFM combinations, OPP, I think.
A little possessiveness, a little bit "we", sweet.

I think the phone conversation with S will about how separated from my ex I am. We are not divorced yet, it ground to a stop few months ago as I had to focus on other divorce related legal issues. I need these settled before we go back to the actual dissolution part.

She wants to see a married but separated man, A is not convinced they are separated and wants to talk to the wife.

S is surprised to I agreed to talk to her at all. Maybe she won't even call, it is not something I am particularly stressing over. Hopefully, she will get the answers she is looking for and turn the veto gun in another direction.


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C and I have planned a day together. It will involve a day off work for both of us. I am really looking forward to it.
We are going to play a little tennis, he is good and quite competitive. I hope to distract him by wearing a cute white dress. I haven't worn it yet as I can't quite work out where to put the balls and I can't bring myself to buy one of those belt/clippy things. I usually play in a pair of work out pants that have voluminous pockets.
After I get thrashed, we will hit the adult shop and pick out a collar. I am slowly building my collection of restraint and BDSM gear. And yes, there is a little more to buying the collar than just building the collection.

A has a quite extensive collection and is extremely particular about it. We spent a fun Sunday afternoon putting together his custom ordered spanking bench and St Andrew's cross. Just like IKEA, tab A into slot B. Then we really put tab A into slot B.

A is going to bring some of his gear on 3some day and let C watch. This will be interesting, Master and Sir in the same room and the same time.


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Chatting with C a while ago about primary and secondary relationships. "Am I your primary?", he asked. "No," I replied, "A primary to me is someone you call when you need a ride to and from hospital." Of course there are many other definitions but to me that was one of the core ones. I have no family over here and rely heavily on friends to help out with such things.
Fast forward to Monday, playing tennis, running backwards for an overhead shot...down I go, ankle underneath me. It swelled up like a balloon straight away.
C got to be my primary, he took me to the ER, got a wheelchair, held my hand, joked with the nurses, took me home, popped to the shops and made lunch. He asked if he could be my primary now. He remembered the previous conversation. I said he could. We both understand that it is not what anyone else would call a primary relationship; we don't share finances, raise kids or share a home, but I appreciated him wanting to be important and to be considered a special person and if having that label makes him feel so, then I am happy to make him happy.


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A big change since the last post.
C wants to go on a "hiatus".
We had the 3some on Wednesday, I could tell C wasn't that into it, I asked if he wanted to stop and he said no. After we finished came the phone call, he is confused, doesn't know what he wants, didn't like the BDSM ( which he asked to see) , didn't like me being called a sub, didn't like that A has 3 other subs ( play partners only). He says he isn't jealous and seeing me with another man wasn't an issue.
He is the one that pushed and pushed for this. Be careful what you wish might just get it.
My initial reaction was to try and fix it instantly, stop seeing A, no more BDSM play, get an updated STD test, which I have booked for 2 weeks anyway as a matter of routine, give him whatever he wants to feel comfortable again.
Saner heads have suggested that I just step back and give him time and not try to "fix it". I am showing the same behavior that I had with N 2 weeks ago, the knee jerk, " What can I do to make things right?" I don't like seeing people uncomfortable and try to change my behavior to make things better, rather than let them work through their feelings and let them ask for what they need.
His ego has been bruised for whatever reasons and either he comes to terms with that by himself or he doesn't.
I am very sad that he feels the need to pull away and it will be challenging not to reach out. He says he wants to remain in contact through the hiatus. I am on the fence about this. On one hand I want to be supportive and positive and on the hand if he needs time then he should really take it.
Here is the last communication from last night.

C: As I was saying. I would like to put everything on a hiatus if that's okay with you. Great if you are done then let me know and I will fully understand. That's where my head is at right now. I'm sorry. I would like to stay in contact but I understand if you don't want to do that either, I will understand.

ME: I respect your need to time clear your head. My thoughts...
The mfm did not go as hoped, so either we accept that and move on in good faith, or you cannot deal with the fallout and want to end it.
I enjoy spending time with you and playing with you, I hope we can continue with that. The ball is in your court.

I am not sure, what do y'all think?


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"I love you and miss you in my life, but I'm polyamorous" (explanation/description/s go/es here) "and I would love to see more of you, but there are a couple of other people I'm very close to and I won't sacrifice my other relationships or my autonomy for an exclusive one with you or anyone else."
The above is from BlackMAgicBlonde's blog. I hope she doesn't mind that I borrowed it.

To say it resonates is an understatement. It was the answer to the N situation and probably the C situation and any people I meet in the future, with a little editing.

On a separate note, I meet up with K last night. As he gently reminded me I "dumped" him twice, but we have stayed in virtually constant contact.
I had some stuff I had promised for his move into his new flat and last night was the night to drop it off.
Of course we got into the what went wrong discussion. I repeated what I said before, about time, going out, me hosting 100% of the time as he has his child 7 nights a week and every weekend. Mine go to their dad's on a fairly regular basis and he still hasn't got an STD test.

He said he had been thinking about all this and wanted to make changes. He would renegotiate with his ex about every weekend or pay for the sitter to go to her house, so we could divide hosting responsibilities and increase time to go out. K was turning into daytime food and fuck buddy and as I told him repeatedly that I wasn't into that. Hence dumping him a first and second time.
He had looked up places to get testing done and would do that in the next week or so.

He said he was over the post separation fucking around and wanted to find one or 2 people who he enjoyed spending time with, have good conversation, create a connection, maintained their own life and wanted one of them to be me. ( sounding a bit solo-poly there K!)

He had been waiting till the move to approach me again.

He also said he also had issues with bringing his dates into the home he shared with his child, he didn't want dating and family to mix. ( This had never been mentioned, jut that his flat was always a no-go) But with the new apartment he wanted things to change. I was his first visitor in the new place. I had never been the other flat in 4 months.

I asked him what he wanted from me and he said nothing different, but try to speak French and appreciate his limericks. My french is awful and so are his limericks. But I can try ;) He is not a native french speaker, his first language is English so the french speaking one is a bit silly, but I am more than happy to let him chat away, my understanding is better than my speaking. These were more teasing requests than serious ones.

So we left it at he would start the negotiations with the ex and see about freeing up the occasional weekend night and get back to me with an update on whether or not try again. The regular text chat continues as normal.


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After re-reading C's messages, I see the line, "walk away if you want." twice.

I read this as "please walk away, I don't want to do the breaking up."

There have been 2 phone talks about about the fallout from the MFM before the IM messages about taking a brea, he did the majority of the talking. Now radio silence for 2 days. Most he issues seem to be directed at me, me having fun, A being good for me, him not wanting to hold me back. Look at all the pluses of me breaking up with him!

So I did. I sent him an email. I adore him and I will miss him terribly. Taking a break is the beginning of the end, I said. Let's not drag it out.

I am usually willing to just end things if communication isn't doing the trick. He does not want to communicate. I am aware I am projecting my own behaviour and emotions onto his words, but I can't see him moving past the mfm.

I think his ego took a huge hit, the mfm was always his fantasy, maybe I wasn't supposed to enjoy it, maybe I was supposed to be guilt ridden after. I don't know. I don't believe that. I think it was set up to be good fun for all involved but the reality of my second relationship was too much. All I know is that things were running very smoothly up to that point.

Anyway, I have no regrets about the mfm, but I will not be rushing to do it again anytime soon.

So what I have learned from this relationship? How do I take responsibility for my part in the break-up? I don't know. I can't see what I did wrong. I participated whole-heartedly in something he wanted to do. I went from mfm is something I'd never contemplated to setting it up. All the while he is saying it is fun and something I'd enjoy and when is it going to happen? Did I miss some signs?

So, I do not do "stay friends," though oddly enough I have with K. I know I will not to be able to look at C over a restaurant table without wanting to rip his clothes off and having fabulous, rolling orgasm sex over the table. Wow, but the sex really was the best.

So I put the last year with C into a little box and slide it under the bed for now, until I am ready to take it out and flick through the memories again. Good memories :)


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I feel like the Grinch, my heart is two sizes too small. I miss C already, no IM pings all weekend and none this morning. I was possibly a little overly optimistic in imaging I would be over him in 48 hours. I am still holding onto to the hope that the break is really just a break to sort out some things. Are your feet wet? Can you see pyramids? De Nile.

I saw K yesterday, he came for a beach day with his wee one. We didn't talk relationships, rather hard with 3 small kids creating chaos. It appears he is making "an effort". I am not sure I want him to make an effort. I think he is a great person but he is all over the place with the FWBS ( I think they are FBS really) and life in general. He has had his new flat for 2 weeks and still hasn't spent a night there as he can't get moved in. Really? 2 weeks? It is not like he can't afford to hire some help, he just can't get it organized. He didn't have any furniture to move, ordered in new stuff. The quintessential absent minded professor, he has a brilliant mind, but wow he is unorganized. Frequently very late and even forgot one date entirely, rearranged his schedule to fix it, then forgot he was lending his car to someone.

The joy of blogging, there it is in black and white. I can't start up with him again.

Still no IM ping, sigh....


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The IM went ping. Discussions were opened. The upshot is C wants an DADT with A. He won't ask for info and I won't offer. Fine by me. That was it really, he reiterated his discomfort about the BDSM scene and how it was not his thing. He is very strong and dominate in bed but not into the spanking or paddling with anything but a hand, works for me:D my preference too. He also wants to me shut down on meeting anyone new for a while. Also fine, as my Master's program is getting very demanding and ex flakier than usual with taking the kids. I haven't had a dating profile up for a while, no time right now.

I am seeing A tonight for a bit. I should be studying but need some male adult time.

I am relieved things will be pretty much returning to normal.


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Nicknames: I have never used them before. K, hereafter Yo, made them up to help keep the guys straight. He has nicknames for his FWBs is either country of origin based or employment based. Ms Columbia and Ms Attorney are 2 of his "regulars" So C became Kip and A is prof.

Yesterday, I told Yo that we couldn't resume the FWB thing as Kip had asked me not to meet anyone new. Although I already know Yo, I think the spirit of the request is to keep it to Kip and prof for the time being. Also, I don't think Yo and I match terribly well on a number of levels. Yo took it well and we will still meet up to do kid things.
I only know one other person with young children, all my friends have grown-up kids or no kids.So it's nice to know someone else with a kid around the same age.

Musings on kids meeting the men folk... There are strong polarizing views on this subject across the internet. My attitude is..

“Life is made up of meetings and partings. People come into your life everyday, you say good morning, you say good evening, some stay for a few minutes, some stay for a few months, some a year, others a whole lifetime.Ceceilia Ahern.

Having lived in multiple countries across the world and having my family and friends spread across the globe, I am well used to meetings and partings and I think that my kids are used to meetings and partings too. Friends and family visit then off they go again, we go visit and then leave too.

I think this applies to meeting the men folk too. Obviously I don't bring random men home, strange "uncles" appearing over the breakfast table. They have met 3 men over the last 2 years, all of which I had been seeing on a regular basis. They have met Yo twice, daytime visits, prof quite a few times, and someone I was seeing last year.

Prof had his first sleep over last night while the kids were here.The kids have met him a number of times at this point, we have done some fun kid activities, he has popped round in the evening a few times too.
The ex flaked ( he does actually call most of the time now, not sure if it is technically flaking) again last night and it gets to the point where I either keep living life or give up and stay home. My regular child care costs exceed $1k per month, so I don't usually call in a sitter unless it is a special activity. I have been seeing prof for 5 months at this point and done my due diligence research on the internet. We don't PDA in front of the kids, he has not been introduced as my b/f, just a friend. I think it is all good.
It went fine, as anticipated. They showed him all kinds of lego creations this morning, he made a few things too. He has 2 grown kids. Who can resist lego? I love the stuff. Then off he went.


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Prof's re-negotiations are for the entire month of August. He is trying for an extension to the 16 hour rule to allow for weekends away. Fingers crossed. That is the only one that I am very concerned about. Veto has been kind of been taken off the table, only to be used in bunny boiler situations. I am vegetarian, so unlikely to boil anyone's pet ;)

No scootering this week due to the ankle, we had a 2 hour play session instead. Strictly play, no sex till after a dinner break. Prof has been taking lessons from a Pro-Domme in the city, and it shows. I helped him finish up the play room too. I get to go in 2 weeks to the Pro-Domme and I am really looking forward to it. Apparently she is going to blog about him and the sessions, should be an interesting read!

Wow, but that man eats late and cooks slowly, a great cook, and he always makes extras and bags them up for me but...I am used to cooking for kids, chop, chop, cook and on the table in 30 minutes or less. When I don't have the kids I eat cereal for dinner. I totally appreciate the leftovers that go for lunch and a second dinner. Yes, I can eat the same thing 3 times in a row, especially if I didn't make it myself!

I saw Kip this week too. He explained a little more about his discomfort with prof. Again, I let him talk and mainly listened. I am glad we are pretty much over the hump, it was smooth sailing before the 3some. He is being a little coy about scheduling, very busy time of the year and all that. I think he wants me to chase him a little...I can do that :)


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Around this forum I have noticed discussion on attachment and the Buddhist idea of non-attachment. How does this work with parenting and relationships, I thought?
Hmmmmm, research time.

I think this paper explains it beautifully. Buddhists decry "craving" not attachment. One can be attached, experience desire, but not be overtaken by craving for something or someone. Is that was NRE is? Craving?

All the signs point to my kids and self having "secure attachment" as defined by the article.
" When a person is securely attached, she has a more accurate,objective,and positive view of her parents/caregivers but does not cling to them, even when they are not physically available."

Lots more thoughts, but for now I wanted to save the link and will return to it later.


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Busy, busy, full-time work, Master's program, 2 kids and 2 lovers.

Kip came round on Monday for a visit. As we were falling asleep he started snoring. I gave him a nudge and asked him to stop, he replied, " I wasn't snoring, I was grunting because I am happy." Snuggling up and taking a nap has become important to him recently. He says his misses having someone to hold while he sleeps and enjoys the cuddling as much as the sex. He is sharing quite a few emotional things of late, not just life in general and past experiences. It is very sweet and bonding.

Prof popped round later that night to tell me about his BDSM party, apparently a lot of fun and just a general check-in before Wednesday night. I was already in bed and had a little discussion about what "on my way" means to him, about an hour, and to me, about 15 minutes. He lives 12 minutes away traffic is not an issue

He tends to stay up till 2am I am usually asleep by 10. We compromise on sleep over nights and go to sleep at around 12. We have different lifestyles, I get up at 5:30ish, he makes his own hours for part of the week so doesn't necessarily have to get up early. I feel like an old bore having this discussion. I want to stay up late and can do it once a week or maybe twice if there are a few earlier nights in between, but wow, I pay for it.

Ex is totally flaking with the kids and went AWOL again, but is oddly enough pretty reliable on Wednesday nights. So, I get one free night per week in which to be a grown-up and I want to make the most of it, not be so tired that I can hardly stay awake.

I met Yo for lunch on Tuesday, we are seeing more of each other now that we are not dating than when we were. We were discussing OKC and his FWBs . He said again that the dating scene was getting old for him and he is heading towards just wanting to date one person regularly, followed by a pointed look at me. I avoided answering, he knows I wouldn't give up Kip and Prof, I wouldn't ask him to go mono but he is kind of offering it.

I am a happy solo poly. As the relationships between Kip, Prof and I deepen, I know that I would not give them up for mono. Maybe one day???? I just can't see that day right now. I have 13+ more years of kids at home, after they leave I might foster. I like having hers & hers closets! I have lived happily on my own at various points in my life. I don't neeeeeed to be living with someone. Having multiple partners enriches my life and having multiple partners enriches theirs. It's a good place to be.


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Things are trucking along as normal with Kip. I asked him today about me starting to date again. I actually have a weekend kid free, so of course the mind wonders to "wouldn't it be nice if I had someone to....with." He said he was happy for me to date again. Then reality set in again, I have more than enough to do this weekend and really that could come crashing to halt at any point.
I saw Yo this week too, we went to see Elysium, I really enjoyed it, just my cup of tea. He wants to see me again, in the naked sense of the word. We are currently negotiating by text, does anyone pick-up the phone anymore? He is also heavily time restricted due to kids but our kids have met so that is not an issue anymore. But time remains an issue. Ho hum, thinking.
Then onto Prof. We had our night with the pro-dominatrix which was great fun. We tried knife play, rope bondage, various restraints and some other fun stuff. She has a super dungeon room, lots of interesting items and she is very knowledgeable about her craft. She teaches classes and is a frequent dungeon master in the city, a lovely lady. I would highly recommend to her anyone wanting to explore kink.
Behind all this BDSM learning is Prof's desire to get S interested in play. She has the final session next month. I asked him what will be the next step after that. He replied, " No play with anyone but her for the next couple of months while we sort this out." Excuse me???????? Another couple made unilateral decision???? Like the 3 week monogamy thing of June? Which he only stuck to whilst I was out of the country.
I don't know if this will be the straw that breaks the camel's back. I felt very "secondary". The relationship that we have is not as important as that with S. I can see the 2 month moratorium on play being his idea, to make her feel secure in exploring , he said she is insecure about him playing with others although I am the only sex and play partner, the others are strictly play only. The other option is he tells her he will not play with me but does anyway, I believe the correct term for that is lying. Pah. If we couldn't play due to a health issue or something then I would understand more easily, but this self-imposed restriction? Argh.
Am I over reacting? We have so much fun otherwise. We did not meet to start a kink relationship so it is not the be all and end all, but still, I feel pushed to the side. Let's pop you up on the shelf and take you down and dust of you off when it is time to play again. I don't think that is his intent, he is somewhat OCD and when focusing on something does seem to become a bit blind to other things. So he is focusing on S and their play, things with Atlantis run smoothly so that will continue as normal just without the play. I don't know whether to speak up at this point or see how things play out.
Hmmm, should think less about the men folk and more about my classes.


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Hi Wildflowers, glad you got something from the link.

Still focusing on Prof right now, I suppose because I see him the most. We are having a lot of "bonus nights," undeclared "dates". I got him to stop calling them dates, I told him it made my skin crawl. He says it is how he and S describe their interactions with others a "date" could involve sex and"engagement" will not, it is for clarity for them, plus that is lexicon he is familiar with.

During the same conversation we established that "seeing each other" is a descriptor that we both agree on the meaning of. For both of us it means regular, ongoing interaction without exclusivity. I love me a label!

There was also a very brief chat about the 'no BDSM play for 2 months", rule. It was S's idea not his and came about around the time that I started seeing him. The deal was Prof is allowed to explore play and take the classes with the pro-domme, to hone his skills, but after the last professional session he was to shut down with the outside partners and focus on S. More on Prof and the BDSM another time. But the upshot for me was, this agreement was made before I was really a factor, so I can deal with it.

And the regular is becoming very regular. We couldn't meet for a bonus night on Tuesday as he worked till very late, I had to say that I can't do after 10pm booty calls except for Weds, I get up at 5:30 am and need my beauty sleep. So we met Wednesday for the late night, then Thursday he came round to watch classic Brit Sci-fi , I kicked him out at 11 and then we had a bonus afternoon yesterday, scooter riding and afternoon delight.

When I arrived he was working on one of the scooters, 1978 Vespa Super Sport ( or maybe his bike is the Super Sport, d'oh) , if that means anything to anyone. He said it is "my bike" and when I am comfortable on it, I get to take it home.

We went on the roads around his neigbourhood, I got it into second gear, whoop whoop but stalled it about a million times. Starting and stopping are definitely the hardest for me. He had to come and kick start it for me each time as my ankle is not yet up to bouncing on the kick pedal, I think a pair of hard soled boots is also in order. But very sweet and patient about it.

Then we parked my bike went for a cruise along the coast on the second bike, a beautiful afternoon, I had one of those moments where I get all excited about the fact that I live in one of the most beautiful parts of America. Lucky me. We were going to stop for a drink but realized we didn't have time as he had to pick up S.

Mr In Control Prof would seem to be NREing. 3 visits in a week seems to be becoming the norm, squeezing in a few hours where we can on top of Weds. On one hand I feel a bit guilty because I know he is not supposed see me more than once a week under his rules, technically bonus nights are cheating, on the other hand, well, hmmmm, and I will stop there.


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I originally set up this big blog to explore feeling and emotions, I am not doing very well with that, it is more of an activity blog.
I tend to process emotions into practical solutions very quickly, I feel X, therefore I do will Y to make it better or continue on this path as X is good.

My exH said I was like Mr Spock, ex thought I didn't have many emotions, sometimes I think he is right. I am very good at putting emotions into a box or dealing with them quickly. This is actually a huge benefit for my job, the one thing in my life that I say I am "very good at", the rest of life I feel I am functionally proficient at.

How do you explore emotions? How much should one think about how one is feeling? Is it a good thing to find practical solutions quickly? I certainly reflect on my behavior but not the emotions that drive it. I don't even know that I want to do much navel gazing.

I very much enjoy reading other people's blogs on here and there is much reflection on feeling, how this makes me feel, how that makes me feel. I will try to add feelings into the activities.

I am generally an upbeat positive personality, there are not too many insecurities, I will explore my 2 biggies in a moment. People describe me as reliable, stable, open-minded, non-judgmental, inquisitive, sexy. I asked around for some adjectives for my OKC profile. I struggle to describe myself.

So the 2 insecurities. My accent. If I list the countries that I have lived in there is no way to deny my writing this should that ever come up. So suffice it to say, I have a mish-mash of 5 strong regional accents not including the American twang that people say I have picked up. Ok, make it 6. For most of my life I have got the 'where do you come from question?" If I answer with the my base accent country then I get a whole political spiel, people have VERY strong opinions on my home country and I am frequently shocked at how they express this to a stranger. If I give a generic area answer, then it gets into, but you sound A, and I can hear B too, and did you spend anytime in C or D or E or F? All the time I thinking let me out of here and this is not what we are here to discuss.

Then comes the repeating things in their version of my accent. I have had this my whole life, I hate it. Strong emotion there. Most people do it, friends of many years comment on how my accent changes. Parents do it, siblings do it. I know it's weird! Stop pointing it out! Insert feelings here....I feel that people make character, intelligence, and political judgements based on my accent. I feel that they are not listening to what I say but how I say it. I can honestly say I have been horrified by the vehemence of the political thing. I have been stunned, and generally excuse myself when that happens. I feel sometimes there is an element of mocking, but mostly they are not listening to me, what I am saying is not valued. People close to me know it annoys the crap out of me. If I feel it is getting out of hand with friends or family, I do speak up, if it is in public then I let it go.

Kip does my base accent better than I do, unless I have been drinking, then he says it is really comes out. He does it in a sweet, funny way, and always adds his term of endearment for me. He does the other accents too, if I come out with something really strongly. It doesn't bother me when does it, in fact I quite like it, makes me think of home and makes me feel cared for. He is a non-American too, so has some experience of being odd-one-out.

Yo I don't think it does it much either. He has lived around the world too and if he is playing with accents then does the ones from where he's lived not mine. Occasionally he says something like, I loved the way you just said that. Then it feels like an a link between us, a shared global experience.

Prof, however, prof. I had to tell him again not to do it. He repeats things, I feel there is a mocking element, he says no, he likes it, enjoys the syntax.
In all fairness I didn't actually say I " it makes me guard my speech and feel uncomfortable". I just said I don't like it, that I am aware very aware it is different and have been getting this my whole life.

How I can share things when you keep repeating them! Yes, I say tomato, water and all sorts differently than you. It got the point the other day where I said" Aren't you bored with repeating what I say?" Hint hint, I am getting bored with it. His response, "No, I love your accent, I think it's cute." He even does it by text! I know I should find it endearing, but I don't.

I moderate my language at work and in public and in writing. I don't want to do it during down time. It can almost be like speaking a different language when you struggle to find the right word. I don't mind if you don't get the the idiom or understand the vocabulary I used, I am happy to "translate" , yes I get excited and start talking quickly and use all kinds of expressions, but I do that when I am relaxed, if you start repeating then I tense up, lose the flow and go back into clam/shut up mode.

People often describe me as shy. I am not shy. I just don't like speaking to strangers, explaining my accent and here we go again.

In home country, it also best to keep ones mouth shut in various parts of the country and city. I have had physical threats made on the basis of accent and name, you are in the wrong part of the city type thing. One is taught to keep one's mouth shut until you know what is going on and who is about you. You might even use a different name. It is hard to let go of that.

I had a class, as an adult, a few years ago, we introduced ourselves. I said home country and city and the instructor went into one about the political situation. I was ready to crawl under the table, not through embarrassment but for safety. I was thinking, how can you say this out loud in a roomful of strangers???? You don't know who is listening!!!! I feel panicked just writing about it.

So there we are, insecurity number one.

So feelings act #1. Have a better talk with Prof about how this makes me feel.


Active member
Insecurity part deux,
I am 5'7'', 130lbs, blonde, size A boobs, "athletic " build, yes the boob size is important.
I am tall, when I wear heels I over 6ft,sometimes well over in 5 inch spikes. I would like to be a few inches shorter but on the whole my body functions well and I am happy with it.

Yo is easy dealt with here, he doesn't have a type, leans towards average to slim women, but that's about it. He says he is just happy to find someone who get his sense of humor and wants to be naked with him.

Prof and Kip however, have extremely strong preferences. They both go for petite brunettes with large natural boobs or tits, depends on who is speaking, but fake ones are good to.

Kip's wife is a petite, curvy brunette, with large boobs. He says he likes women on the curvy side, chubby is good too as long as their boobs are big.

Prof's gf is a tiny , curvy brunette with big boobs too.

I have seen pictures of Kip's online choices and every sexploit he tells starts with the phrase, " I was seeing this petite brunette with huge natural tits...." He says he doesn't really remember ever dating a blonde but might have as along as she had....fill in the rest. He would never date anyone with less than a C cup.

I have seen pics of one of Prof's play partners and you guessed it petite......He said he dated a blonde once on high school for about 2 weeks, Erm that was nearly 40 years ago. Not a single blonde since then. He has interrupted sex a few times to say he still is surprised to look up and see a blond with "sporty boobs", not his type at all.

And of course they all take the time to tell me how taaaaaallllll I am. Thanks guys.

So does this make me insecure? How could it not? 2/3 have an almost 100% track record on a type and they like the same type. So I get the petite brunette line from both of them. I don't bring it up. They keep coming out with it especially during naked moments. Keep reminding me of how "not your type" I am. Of course the say nice things too, but I don't hear that as much as I hear, "not my type ".

They are all my type, why would I go out with people I don't find attractive?
So then that leads to the destructive thought, why are they seeing me? Just a cheap fuck?

I have fished for compliments a few times, and outright asked, why are you seeing me if I am so outside your type? Smart, funny, sweet, intelligent , independent, the accent, quick, kind, patient. yes, yes, yes, body please? Long legs, I get that, lovely long legs. Refer to previous insecurity about being taaaaalllllll.

I get that insecurity is unattractive and unless I am outright being told that I am not a PBwBB, it don't dwell on it much, but yikes, they do feel the need to tell me. Why? Why do they tell me?

I did outright tell Prof on Friday that the "sporty boobs" comments needed to stop and there is no need to keep telling me I am taaaaallllllll. Oh sexy tall, he said. I replied that is not what you said, you said I am really tall for a girl, I was in bare feet too.

Insert feelings here... Insecure...I feel I don't measure up ( haha ) an unfavourable comparison, PBwBB=hot, tall blonde=not.
I do hear, " I love your this, I love your that" that time, though, the damage has kind of been done. When the compliments come after PBwBB comments, it seems like second hand compliments, not really honest.

Just got a text from Prof, wants to go for a ride tomorrow, seeing Kip on Weds, Prof Weds evening, probably seeing Yo on Thursday, possibly Prof after that, depends on the time.

So they must like something that they see. Not too insecure, just quit telling me I am not your type!