Sailing Solo

Atlantis

Active member
Thank you Pink Pig.
Oddly, taking the odd random day off work helped. It was a mental health day but I put it in as sick.
Such a weird time from March 13th onward.
My friends and work people all seem to be at the end of their resiliency.
I have very little left in my tank for the unexpected.

I had a big issue happen last week and I was all "meh".
It was not a meh" situation. I should have become quite upset and pushed hard for a resolution, but I made a low-key effort and it got resolved. 10 months of intensive effort and I ended up with "meh".
I think all my previous effort paid off, but at the last moment of this will not work", I mostly had given up. But I had laid 9.5 months of effort so it went through.

Putting one step in front of the other. Going through the motions.

This technique actually seems to work.

The rent cheque, food buying, shoes purchasing, medical paying stuff gets covered.

if you cover the physical, then you get to crash down into the emotional for a bit.

Baby Yoda is my current expressive emotional investment.

Shout at the tv. Dark sabre? Boba/Jango? Razor Crest.
Save the baby.

I can't watch "Picard" yet. I kind of think I should, and start to move on... but I am not even close.
Mr Green watched all but the last episode with me.
If you ever watch the last episode of season 1 you would get it.
In that moment/s I kind of sort of did, but really didn't.

Covid makes the world so terribly small. There is no place to go. Not really.
 

starlight1

Active member
Hey Atlantis, hope all is well with your world and you and your family are covid free. Thinking of you at this time.
 

Atlantis

Active member
It's been a while...
Prof died a few weeks ago from cancer.
Ms Cherry got all the love as the primary. I got...left stuff in the Will.

I have lost 2 beloveds in less than 10 months to cancer.

With Mr. Green I found out on Facebook. It was mid Covid crazy, there was no public service. I still don't know where his remains are but I will send $ to the fund he set up before he died.

Prof. What do I say. Cancer did not change him. As my sister says " Cancer doesn't make anyone different." Up to the last minutes he was telling the lies and manipulating and the regular smoke and mirrors kind of stuff.

There is a Will. Very few mentions of actual stuff. He re-wrote his Will 3 weeks before he died. It does smack of mega doses of painkillers but contains enough legalese that the mainly named parties won't object.

I am doing denial. I really can't believe he will not participate in the activities we had planned,

The next trip was to Japan and the Godzilla hotel in Tokyo. Summer Olympics, and Covid, and Cancer messed up this years plans. I lived in Japan for 2 years and know how to get around and make it all work.

Thjs is the time of year that I asked for some help and he would help. And then there is the crazy October birthday season and then Halloween.

I really can't believe the crazy/poly is over.

I won't do poly again. My 2 people died. 2. 2. Can you imagine, 2. And I was nothing. I was cut out and shut down from all the family grieving processes. I am having to make my own ceremonies up for myself. And let me tell you, grieving alone is not good. All the stuff you read about Secondary Bill of Rights doesn't mean a thing.

Prof left me many things in the Will. The Will was divided up between between me, 1 of my children, his 2 children, and Ms Cherry.
Ms Cherry was rock star awesome.

The Will got sent out by the lawyers. The list of things he left me is very special and of monetary value. But his family have pretty much no idea of who I am. Ms Cherry, with no children and a pretty flexible schedule got moved in a the face of his relationships.

I am not doing poly/open again.

It is not equal. It is not fair. Society seems willing to have 1 lover/partner.

Right now, I am dealing with the 1 year anniversary of Mr Green and the 2 months loss of Prof. But in both cases I am am nothing to the family.
 
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Evie

Kaitiaki
Staff member
That must be so incredibly hard, Atlantis. It really is not right that secondaries get shut out of the family grieving processes, and the pain you have to deal with is one that not many understand. Thoughts with you.
 

Atlantis

Active member
Thank you Evie.
I really have moved on from poly.
My 2 beloveds died and I was a nothing to the offical family people.

Mr Green was new, and I do understand that the person who had his phone access did the most basic things. It is coming up to the 1 year anniversary of his death and I don't have any idea where his remains are.

Ms Cherry has control of Prof death things. She appears to be not capable of processing the things that needs to be processed in a timely manner. She is saying an additional 3-6 months maybe a year. until I can collect the items up. Legally that is acceptable. She is unemployed, no children... seems really weak in the getting stuff done department.
Petrol engines need to started every 4 weeks or more. She can't drove a shift, b

I have a different death/will thing going on and all the balls are rolling within a couple of weeks.

Seems my stuff that Prof left, will be moldering in storage, and will not start by the time I get to pick them up.
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
I'm really sorry, Atlantis. It has to be so hard to have no closure with Mr Green's death... and then to lose Mr Prof so close together :(

On the estate, my experience is that it can really depend on the attorney and CPAs, too. Two relatives passed away in recent years with similarly sized estates. The one with the high priced, power house legal and accounting teams took a year and a half to settle. The one with the smaller, cheaper legal team was settled in 6 months.
 

Atlantis

Active member
Here we are another 2 months later.

I should be able to collect my items that Prof left me in about 2-3 weeks.

I did text Ms Cherry a couple of days ago and ask that I could take Prof's Star Trek stuff. She kindly replied that I could, as long as I didn't plan to sell it. ( sell it? )

Shatner made it into Zero G and me and Prof had made so many sic-fi and sci-fact trips in full Star Fleet uniform.
Me and Prof had a pile of shared Trek items. Any time we got anything, we got duplicates. I, in an uncharacteristic moment of sentiment, really disliked the idea of his his beloved Star Trek items going into a box in storage. Plus, I have all the same stuff. It's duplicates. We got it so we could do stuff together. I do feel slighted at the suggestion that I would ask for it so I could sell it.

I have been doing a little dating. I find a have little patience with folks who don't have their shit together at this age and a bit of a broken heart. I am looking for the type of connection where I am the one and only.

I saw Mr Dom yesterday, for the first time in maybe 2 years. He has been texting and calling a bit recently, and then was driving past. It was lovely to see him. But there is no way we are good a long term fit. I do love him and will always be there for him. I believe he would od the same for me.

Mr Lime and I go on regular walks. He got an apartment in an exotic locale and I will go there next weekend in exchange for storing an item of his. A fair trade.

I am taking more classes and passing more classes. Keeps my brain busy.
 

Vicki82

Active member
Hugs. I'm so sorry, Atlantis. I just saw your updates now. Keeping you in my thoughts. I can't even imagine how hard it would be to lose one partner, let alone two, and not to get the support you need.
 

GypsyDez5

New member
Many thoughts in the past 24 hours about types of poly and open relationship styles.
One of my partners, A, is an open relationship that comes with many rules. We are going to have a sit down with the print out so I can see them all.
Here is what I know so far...

Veto ( has been wielded regularly and indiscriminately in the past )
One date per week
No sleeping with people who are cheating.
Dates not to last more than 14 hours.
No gifts, giving or receiving.
No anal.
No communication with secondaries when with primary. (usually Thurs-Mon)
No sexting.
No kissing or holding hands in public.
No acknowledging secondaries if seen out while with primary.

Where I am with these...
Veto..really uncomfortable with this. Has been used frequently by the primary as opposed to negotiating the problems.
One date per week...Really frustrating it would be nice to take the odd trip together.( have broken this rule but not on consecutive nights)
No sleeping with cheaters: Very fair
Dates not to last more than 14 hours. He seems fairly strict on this, but we have gone a little over a few times.
No gifts, giving or receiving: We are both acts of love type people, he bought a wall mount and hanged my tv for me. I paid him for it but he did the work. Sigh
No anal. Errm, maybe we have broken this rule.
No communication with secondaries when with primary. (usually Thurs-Mon): He will reply if I ask about scheduling or some such but no chat, no phone
No sexting The odd naughty text but certainly not a full on session.
No kissing or holding hands in public. I am not into PDA so no problem.
No acknowledging secondaries if seen out while with primary I was getting my nails done when he walked in with primary. I had the most uncomfortable 30 mins sitting right next to her. I was not aware of the rule when this happened and had no idea why I was given the "shush, it's a secret". Usually they would leave a place if a secondary is there to avoid introductions but he didn't see me till they sat down.

He got his scooter fixed last week. We got me a helmet and went for a drive along the coast, had a nice dinner, band was playing and we danced on the beach and had a lovely time. Out of the blue.."This would invoke a veto."
What? Why? What are we doing? Response "I am having too much fun with you."

Why do I put up with this...I am an activity slut and love going out to do things. Bar one or 2 occasions, every date has been out and about, sailing, skating, driving, massage, ice hockey game.

Much weighing up to do.
Iv just seen this site and started to look through all this stuff. Iv never had a poly relationships but am interested.... however, if it ment living like that, I wouldn't be into if :( I need to feel free, I can feel caged pretty easily, the veto thing really would cause me intense anxiety about absolutely every situation. And I definitely want to know the other 2 ppl I'm in the v with really well, I think I'd prefer 2 men but I think I might be able to do another lady and a man if I can have a platonic relationship with the woman. Sorry if I rambled just now, basically just saying I feel like to me an emotional bond is important unless it's just meeting up for sex, and I would consider that a FWB which I have had more than one of at a time, but I left the man if he wanted anything outside a date night that ended with sex and I dont have to stay the night after.
I'm also someone that enjoys outings so if it was limited and I couldn't go with anyone else I'd be super bummed.
Please remember I'm new to poly pretty much altogether.
 

Atlantis

Active member
Hello Gypsy,

If I knew now what I knew then...hard to say. So many fabulous experiences but so much uncertainty and being kept in the shadows.
You need to do you.

Ms Cherry posted some pics of her and Prof's wedding on the web. He looks so thin, weak, and ill. The last few times we met he said he loved me and we sat and held hands. The dude manipulated and lied till his last breath. But yet, he left me some of his most treasured possessions. I frequently told him the stuff doesn't matter, it is the experiences. Looking at The Will, I think he expected to beat cancer and left a few large categories of things.

He died with bank $$$, 2 adult children that mostly didn't speak to him, and a wife of a few weeks he thought she had "let herself go". Yeah, she gave up up herself to take care of him. I told him that. He mostly looked irritated by her presence while she gazed at him adoringly. It was quite weird to observe this. I am very glad she was able to take over during COVID. I couldn't. I had kids ands a job where I was constantly exposed. And he paid her $$$ for her services. She earned it.

So, do poly, if you are not a secret, or the one that calls Uber to take you to the hospital whilst the other partner gets the family graduations, Thanksgiving or whichever high days and holiday you celebrate.

I had my 2 poly partners die within 10 months of each other, by not COVID, and I was a non-entity to the funeral and grieving process for both.
 

Atlantis

Active member
If I count back, I had maybe 4 partners declare their public affection for another person.
4.

4.

In private they claimed they were poly/open. To their family they said, in a quiet whisper, 1.

I just saw Prof's wedding pictures. He did a whole flamingo pose he said that he hated, but in his last death weeks he did it cause he said he wanted her to take over his death estate.

So, his bride married him 3 weeks before he died. I was his "person" for 8 years.

8 years.

You work it out for you.

My PEOPLE died. And I was NOTHING.

No funerals. No memorials. No family connections.
 

starlight1

Active member
You are not nothing Atlantis. You are something. To your kids, to your self. And you have friends here. I'm so sorry for what you've been through.
 

Vicki82

Active member
I'm so sorry, Atlantis. You deserve so much better than that.
 
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