Scared and confused.

C

CyrusTheVirus

New member
Mods:
I neglected to read the sticky at the top of this forum regarding what constitutes an intro. Please move to the appropriate forum.

I think I'm polyamorous.
I am one of those people who, due to the beliefs imposed upon me by the church, waited until I was married to have sex. I was always taught that sex was some magical thing that brought two souls together as one. I wanted that, so I waited. Because of this, I never allowed myself to explore my sexuality. I never got to discover who I was sexually until after I had married.
I've always been one to be on the friendlier side with women than men. With women I can open up and be myself. With men, it's the complete opposite. All of my closest friends are, and have always been, women. The relationships I form with them are, for a select few, far stronger than your normal friendship. I have crossed the bounds into love with them and openly tell them so.
After having been married for several years, I find that monogamy isn't the lifestyle I'm best suited for. I do enjoy being married and love my wife very much, but the idea of limiting my love to just one person for the rest of my life isn't appealing to me. I have come to realize that for that select group of lady friends, I feel just as much love for them as I do my wife. The select few, as well as my wife, have been in my life for years and years. You can't know someone for the better part of a decade or longer and not develop feelings for them. I'm sorry. You just can't.
I've been researching alternative lifestyles for I'm guessing a good year now. Swinging appealed to me because it seemed that was what I wanted. It wasn't though. I wanted more than just casual sex. I wanted an actual relationship. I say I think I'm polyamorous because I have deep, meaningful relationships with these women. We talk often. We share. We seek advice from one another. And yes, we flirt. The only difference between these women and my wife is that I'm legally bound to my wife and I'm only having sex with her.
The only thing that keeps me from sleeping with these other women is respect for my wife and her wishes. To her, marriage is meant for one man and one woman, to be monogamous, for ever and ever. Period. One is to only have feelings for his or her spouse and no one else. I've been with her for over a decade and try as I might through all those years to supress my feelings, I have failed.
I'm not saying I want to go out and have sex with other women; I'm simply saying I have strong emotional ties to them and I'm tired of denying it. I'm tired of telling my wife I'm "just friends" with this woman or that woman. I want to be able to tell her the truth. However, if I tell her the truth, I fear she will leave.
I came across polyamory around the beginning of the year and the more and more I read into it, the more it seems to fit the lifestyle I secretly live. To make things fall into place for me, a friend popped up out of nowhere just this past month and revealed her polyamory to me. This was completely out of the blue and unsolicited. In talking to her, I have been able to further reinforce my stance on the issue.
This new friend expressed interest in sharing with me and I agreed. Not in the sense of "hey, come over and screw me" but "hey, here I am. Just letting you know". She's interested in pic swapping and having mutual masturbation sessions over webcam, but I declined. When I told her that I wanted to build a solid personal relationship with her and let things evolve as they may, she surprised me by completely agreeing and telling me that's exactly what she wanted. In the meantime, I'm treating my friendship with her just as any of my others with those of the "select few". And we're both happy with that.
My problem is, I believe I'm a polyamorous man stuck in a strictly monogamous marriage. I'm not going to do do anything behind my wife's back because, as I said earlier, I have too much respect for her to do so. I wouldn't want to be cheated on, therefore I refuse to cheat on her. Should she give me permission on the other hand, well that's a different story.
I've tried to bring up the subject before by dropping hints here and there, but she's the type that just doesn't get it unless you spell it out. We were joking around once about who she was texting at such a late hour (it was her brother-in-law asking about our schedule for the weekend so we could see our niece and nephew) when I asked "who is that, your boyfriend?" She turned around and joked back "yeah." I forgot what else was said, but I ended the covnersation by flat out telling her that I didn't care if she had a boyfriend. The look she gave me was one of both being puzzled by my statement and "yeah, right". At least I got it out there in that sense.
I honestly, truly don't care if my wife were to see other people. It doesn't bother me a bit. And while I'm speaking truthfully, it wouldn't bother me to see her make love to another man. My only caveat is that he not be "just some guy" but someone that she has true feelings for. One of the "select few" has expressed interest in being with me should for some reason my wife and I split. She shares exactly the same views I do about polyamory and desires to live that life with me. I know, because of my wife's beliefs, that it will ultimately be the end of my marriage.
What do I do? How do I come out? Do I risk opening up and telling my wife what's going on with me and possibly losing her or do I continue to keep it all in and spend the rest of my life living a lie and denying my true self?
Confused and scared, somewhere in America.
 
Last edited:
Ditto

Wow, my own story parallels yours in so many ways. Closer friends with women than men, those relationships often growing to a feeling of romantic love, not wanting casual sex (although I wasn't often self-aware enough to tell just WHAT I wanted). Not caring if my wife was with another man, even wanting her to be.

Your situation is much better than mine presently, so I will offer some of mine as a cautionary tale. I felt the way you do for many years, but I was committed to monogamy with my wife, and tried to set up defenses to keep me from being tempted to cheat.

I stopped spending time with women I thought could turn into close friends (because the temptation to become lovers might be too hard to handle).

I stopped sharing my poly desires with my wife. It was clear that it hurt her, and I resolved to just grit my teeth and bear it.

These things were my own ideas, done of my own volition, and I didn't share what I was doing, or the reasons for doing them, with my wife. Looking back, I can't believe how stupid I was.

Eventually, I became friends with women I knew in an online game, and suddenly I found myself cheating on my wife. Consumed by love for my new partner, feeling a greatly increased sense of love for my wife, and hating myself, really HATING myself for cheating. No physical contact, but still an emotional and sexual betrayal.

It sounds to me like you are closer than you realize to cheating.

I certainly wish I had managed to talk to my wife about this; I still really haven't, and she's now my ex-wife. Its only since our divorce that I really understood myself to be poly, and not just an asshole who couldn't keep his dick in his pants.

If I had talked to her, I strongly suspect that our marriage would have ended anyway: she was mono, I was poly, and we both couldn't be happy otherwise. But I could be completely wrong. I can't go back and find out now.

Even in the worst case scenario, if I had talked to her and our marriage had blown up, it would have been better. Better for my own self-esteem, better to have avoided the wasted years we both had in a marriage that had lost its romance, and better for our future relationship as friends. Better to not have hurt my wife so badly.

But your situation is not mine, so I'm not offering advice exactly, just my personal regrets.

Good luck man.


Anotherbo :)
 
Hello and welcome to the forums,

One is to only have feelings for his or her spouse and no one else.
Click to expand...

If this is her belief then you are already cheating on her, emotionally, I'm sorry to say. I was concerned that this was my partner's (Bold on the forums) belief also. He's told me that he doesn't mind me having feelings for others as long as I don't pursue romantic relationships (even without sex) with them.

My problem is, I believe I'm a polyamorous man stuck in a strictly monogamous marriage.
Click to expand...

This was my problem too. My problem, not my partner's problem. I sure tried to make it his problem though!

After really seriously talking to my partner about the fact that I am poly-amorous, and that's not some temporary flight of fancy or side effect of our current situation, and since he's come to start to accept it about me; I've started to feel I could accept that he's mono!

It's bizarre, the more that I accept him and focus on my love for him, the more I feel that I might be okay, at least for now, with just him. The more that I feel that I might be happy with just him; the more comfortable with me having other people he is.

I recommend, if you really want to be with your wife (which it seems to me that you really do) try not to think of it as her forcing monogamy on you. Neither of you may believe in divorce (I have no idea) but lying is also a big no-no in the church, I thought?

As for how to bring it up: I recommend gently with lots of reassurance. The worst thing you can do is say that you need more and not explain that it's not that she's not enough or doesn't satisfy you in some way. I think that was my partner's biggest fear: that he wasn't good enough.

If you value your relationship with your wife then you need time to let her get to know about you what you've just discovered about yourself. Adding other people to the equation (and I'm not assuming that you were going to run into anything) was one of my mistakes with my partner. It was hard enough for you to accept being poly, right? Imagine how hard it'll be for her!

I wish you all the best with it all.
 
Last edited:
I'm new here, but I come at this from the spouse that has finally realize my dh is poly, even if he can't admit it to himself yet. I also have had to de-program myself from some of the unrealistic "church" teachings.

How is your relationship with your wife? Is she your best friend or have you tranfer that honor to another lady? If you are having trouble communicating, fix that NOW (get a marriage councelor if you have to).

How is your sex life with your wife? Is she willing to be adventurous and try things the "church" wouldn't necessarily condone? If she can't get kinky, I don't see her being able to accept multiple partners. That may just take time.

Do NOT share personal information about you wife, including detail of a fight with the other ladies. This is a serious breach of trust. Your wife should always have more information on your life than anyone else. Having to call your husbands g/f(even non-sexual) to get his schedule really sucks.

I may have more to say later, but I'm typing this on the blackberry at the football field.
 
SNeacail said:
How is your sex life with your wife? Is she willing to be adventurous and try things the "church" wouldn't necessarily condone? If she can't get kinky, I don't see her being able to accept multiple partners. That may just take time.
Click to expand...

Not all poly people are kinky.
 
SchrodingersCat said:
Not all poly people are kinky.
Click to expand...

I wasn't really refering to anything over the top, just above and beyond what some "churches" preach as acceptable. My mother considers toys, masterbation and even different possitions as kinky and taboo (too bad for her).

I guess a better phrasing would be is she is willing to try new things and things that may seem strange to her?
 
Hi Cyrus,
I take issue with the poster above who says, you are already cheating on your wife since you think she wants you to have feelings only for her. People can't control their emotions. You can't say, 'I will not be jealous' or 'I will not develop romantic feelings for this woman' or 'I will be happy as a mono'. You can control your actions tho, and you are doing so. Good for you.

I think that to betray someone, you have to DO something vile; you have to DO something more than thinking something or feeling something.

When my wife and I came out about being poly, I was a bit surprised by who was OK with it and who seemed to be bothered by it. A couple of the people who I thought would be closed minded were OK with it, and a couple I thought would be cool were a little bit judgmental.

If you talk to your wife about this, she may surprise you and be calmer about it than you fear. Or it may be close to your worse case scenario. However, right now you can talk about these things from a superior position than if you had done something vile and already betrayed her. You can say, 'I have these feelings' and then be totally honest when you say, 'I have done nothing to be ashamed of'. Telling her is just being honest about how you feel - which is courageous.

Right now you have something very good, and talking to your wife will risk that. If you don't tell her, you are hiding something important about your relationship from her and setting your self up for a certain amount of unhappiness down the road. But quoting the Larry Niven parable, "I might die, the King might die, or the horse may learn to sing". (The horse singing in this case would be that your wife brings up wanting to be poly.)

Ultimately it is your choice. Only you know how you feel, and you can estimate how your wife will react better than we can. Only you can estimate the risks and advantages of the various acts you can take.

However, what ever you choose to do, I salute your courage and hope things work out well for you.

Warm regards, Rick.
 
RickPlus said:
Hi Cyrus,
I take issue with the poster above who says, you are already cheating on your wife since you think she wants you to have feelings only for her. People can't control their emotions. You can't say, 'I will not be jealous' or 'I will not develop romantic feelings for this woman' or 'I will be happy as a mono'. You can control your actions tho, and you are doing so. Good for you.
Click to expand...

Sorry if I wasn't clear, what I was trying to say was that if his wife believes that: "One is to only have feelings for his or her spouse and no one else." (as quoted from his post) then he is already breaking that condition.

I never said he was doing anything wrong, sorry if it came off that I implied such, as I do not feel that (especially for poly people) this is a realistic expectation.

My point was that I feared my partner felt this way too but, when I actually talked to him about it, it turned out that this wasn't his expectation at all. He gets feelings for other people too but has no desire to pursue it, unlike us poly people, so the reason he feels hurt is not that I have those feelings but that I want to act on them. He's coming to accept that I will always want others and we're working on what we want in terms of what I/we do with those desires.
 
Hi Cyrus. Four years ago both my husband and I had been completely monogamous for over two decades. Unlike you, I had not had any significant opposite-sex friendships, except for one with a gay male friend.

I read about polyamory online and had a big a-ha moment. I had literally never even dared to think about having close friendships with men, let alone sex, with any man but my husband since I was about 20 years old. I was suddenly letting myself think about it, and I liked it!

I immediately started talking to my husband about just the concept. We were accustomed to discussing current events, trends, philosophies, with each other anyway and this was just more of the same for us. He thought it was a very cool concept (he had even read some Heinlein, which was a good thing), but most decidedly NOT for us.

We kept talking about it though. I found things for both of us to read online and on amazon.com. I also began an opposite-sex friendship with a man online. Yes, I had feelings for him, although in hindsight, my feelings were based largely on online chitchat and not on much in-person contact, so I tend to discount them now since I no longer believe that you can truly get to know someone that way. I never had physical contact with the other man outside of one hug, and I do not consider it cheating. I believe the concept of an "emotional affair" is a bunch of BS invented by threatened, jealous monogamists.

It was eight months of unhurried and frank discussion and a whole lot of reading before my husband said, "Ok, go forth and try other relationships."

And we screwed it up. Royally. I had a whole lot of casual sex that never turned into anything more, despite my hopes, and most of it ultimately made me unhappy and feeling bad about myself. My husband jumped into dating a bit later on and immediately got "cowgirled." We didn't have nearly the trust and communication we needed between us to do this successfully. We hadn't clarified or internalized our rules of engagement sufficiently. We almost broke up our second year of being poly, after over 20 years together, most of them quite happy.

We endured, because we love each other deeply and have children together, and we put ourselves back together with the help of competent poly-friendly counseling and many late nights hashing things out. My ex-boyfriend was a help too, he bridged a gap in communication between us more than once.

I think you have some very close women friends, which is awesome. You can love your friends. You aren't cheating on your wife until you have sexual contact with these women. Is that something you really want? If so, you need to work towards that goal. You need to be honest with your wife and talk to her about a lifestyle that attracts you. Sure, it goes against her core beliefs. It went against my husband's as well. He evolved, because he loves me and ultimately wanted us to live in a way that makes me feel happy and fulfilled.

One thing struck me as sad about your post. When you said you didn't "care" if your wife had a boyfriend? If you are going to be a successful poly couple you NEED to care, very much. You need to be very, very concerned that she is happy, and feeling valued by her other partners, if she has any. Not caring is a sign that your relationship isn't nearly strong enough to do this.

Work on making your relationship as strong as you can and on making it honest, in that you are able to talk about your thoughts and feelings and desires with her, even if you worry she will disapprove. Try to make your romantic and intimate life the best it can be too. There are books out there that can help you with all of that. I recommend John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.

When you feel that your wife is truly your best friend, that you can talk to her about anything and have her at least listen and take your feelings and desires seriously, when your own relationship is exciting and sexually vibrant and you feel you are meeting each other's needs as well as you possibly can, THAT is the time to try out poly.

Good luck.
 
Last edited:
Echo

When you feel that your wife is truly your best friend, that you can talk to her about anything and have her at least listen and take your feelings and desires seriously, when your own relationship is exciting and sexually vibrant and you feel you are meeting each other's needs as well as you possibly can, THAT is the time to try out poly.
Click to expand...

This sounds like awesome advice to me. I sure wish I had followed it in the early part of my failed marriage, when all those conditions applied.

Good luck Cyrus.


Anotherbo :)
 
gwendolenthefair said:
Hi Cyrus. Four years ago both my husband and I had been completely monogamous for over two decades. Unlike you, I had not had any significant opposite-sex friendships, except for one with a gay male friend.

I read about polyamory online and had a big a-ha moment. I had literally never even dared to think about having close friendships with men, let alone sex, with any man but my husband since I was about 20 years old. I was suddenly letting myself think about it, and I liked it!

I immediately started talking to my husband about just the concept. We were accustomed to discussing current events, trends, philosophies, with each other anyway and this was just more of the same for us. He thought it was a very cool concept (he had even read some Heinlein, which was a good thing), but most decidedly NOT for us.

We kept talking about it though. I found things for both of us to read online and on amazon.com. I also began an opposite-sex friendship with a man online. Yes, I had feelings for him, although in hindsight, my feelings were based largely on online chitchat and not on much in-person contact, so I tend to discount them now since I no longer believe that you can truly get to know someone that way. I never had physical contact with the other man outside of one hug, and I do not consider it cheating. I believe the concept of an "emotional affair" is a bunch of BS invented by threatened, jealous monogamists.

It was eight months of unhurried and frank discussion and a whole lot of reading before my husband said, "Ok, go forth and try other relationships."

And we screwed it up. Royally. I had a whole lot of casual sex that never turned into anything more, despite my hopes, and most of it ultimately made me unhappy and feeling bad about myself. My husband jumped into dating a bit later on and immediately got "cowgirled." We didn't have nearly the trust and communication we needed between us to do this successfully. We hadn't clarified or internalized our rules of engagement sufficiently. We almost broke up our second year of being poly, after over 20 years together, most of them quite happy.

We endured, because we love each other deeply and have children together, and we put ourselves back together with the help of competent poly-friendly counseling and many late nights hashing things out. My ex-boyfriend was a help too, he bridged a gap in communication between us more than once.

I think you have some very close women friends, which is awesome. You can love your friends. You aren't cheating on your wife until you have sexual contact with these women. Is that something you really want? If so, you need to work towards that goal. You need to be honest with your wife and talk to her about a lifestyle that attracts you. Sure, it goes against her core beliefs. It went against my husband's as well. He evolved, because he loves me and ultimately wanted us to live in a way that makes me feel happy and fulfilled.

One thing struck me as sad about your post. When you said you didn't "care" if your wife had a boyfriend? If you are going to be a successful poly couple you NEED to care, very much. You need to be very, very concerned that she is happy, and feeling valued by her other partners, if she has any. Not caring is a sign that your relationship isn't nearly strong enough to do this.

Work on making your relationship as strong as you can and on making it honest, in that you are able to talk about your thoughts and feelings and desires with her, even if you worry she will disapprove. Try to make your romantic and intimate life the best it can be too. There are books out there that can help you with all of that. I recommend John Gottman's The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work and Gary Chapman's The Five Love Languages.

When you feel that your wife is truly your best friend, that you can talk to her about anything and have her at least listen and take your feelings and desires seriously, when your own relationship is exciting and sexually vibrant and you feel you are meeting each other's needs as well as you possibly can, THAT is the time to try out poly.

Good luck.
Click to expand...

I liked this so much I quoted the whole thing! :) I think I like it echos my own life story and values. Thank you for sharing your story.
 
gwendolenthefair said:
I believe the concept of an "emotional affair" is a bunch of BS invented by threatened, jealous monogamists.
.
Click to expand...

I agree with most of what you said EXCEPT the above comment. Cheating is defined as whatever the couple defines it as. If forming an emotional connection with someone that crosses the "friendship" boundary is breaking an understood agreement, then it is cheating.

To say it is BS is your opinion, as you stated. To say it was "invented by threatened, jealous monogamists" is judgmental and overly generalist.

just my .02.
 
redsirenn said:
I agree with most of what you said EXCEPT the above comment. Cheating is defined as whatever the couple defines it as. If forming an emotional connection with someone that crosses the "friendship" boundary is breaking an understood agreement, then it is cheating.

To say it is BS is your opinion, as you stated. To say it was "invented by threatened, jealous monogamists" is judgmental and overly generalist.

just my .02.
Click to expand...

I'm with Redsirenn on this one. Hidden online connections are just as potentially damaging as actually fucking someone behind your partner's back. There's a bit to much venom in the tone of that comment for me. But I'm sensitive.
 
Last edited:
redsirenn and Mono, you are entitled to your opinions, of course. I personally blame the concept of emotional affairs and "cheating without physical contact" for the relative dearth of opposite-sex friendships among married people. I myself never had close platonic male friends for my entire adult married life, age 23 onward, until I was poly. There was no real forum for having them when I was monogamous.

FWIW, I did not conceal my emotional connection with my online buddy from my husband. He was well aware of our relationship and my feelings for the person. It was one of the things that convinced us both that yes, I COULD have feelings for more than one person and it would not impact our relationship adversely.
 
gwendolenthefair said:
I myself never had close platonic male friends for my entire adult married life, age 23 onward, until I was poly. There was no real forum for having them when I was monogamous.

.
Click to expand...

I totally get where your opinion comes from then, my friend. I guess I have a hard time relating to that level of "restriction" within any type of relationship. It's just not my experience with most monogamous relationships....but I have seen the extremes of isolation as well. That was individual faults and not the fault of a relationship approach though. Thanks for clarifying :)
 
Emotional cheating?

redsirenn said:
Cheating is defined as whatever the couple defines it as. If forming an emotional connection with someone that crosses the "friendship" boundary is breaking an understood agreement, then it is cheating.

To say it is BS is your opinion, as you stated. To say it was "invented by threatened, jealous monogamists" is judgmental and overly generalist.
Click to expand...

Well, it's judgemental, in that there is a judgement there, but I don't know why that's a problem. Not all relationship agreements are equally healthy, and not all relationship agreements come from a place of security and a lack of jealousy. I don't think that we need to pretend otherwise, or pretend that we can't assess that.

I'm also not sure that it is "overly generalist". I know that plenty of poly- people build ways to cheat into their relationships, and that plenty of monogamous couples are neither threatened nor jealous, but I think it is safe to say that in general cheating is a concept that exists in the context of monogamy. There's an essay on The Power Dynamics of Cheating that addresses the relationship between monogamy, cheating and polyamory with more nuance, but in the case of policing someone's emotions by calling it "cheating" I think what you're seeing really is the invention of something to control one's romantic partner by threatening them with being labelled a "cheater".
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top