Scott's Journey

[Scott]

I saw a bit of the RedPepper's Journey thread and thought I'd borrow the title format ...

I decided I was polyamorous when I was 20. What instigated it was that I liked 2 sisters in Mexico and I couldn't decide who I should ask out. To top it off, I still wanted to create a relationship with a girl that I'd known 4 years ago back in Canada even though we'd never really been more than classmates (the life of the angst ridden youth -.-). It seemed that both of the sisters wanted to be with me but they were monogamous minded, so I had to choose; and I was afraid that if I chose one over the other that it wouldn't work out. Anyway, I ended up not being with either of them; while my family did have a house in Mexico at the time, we were only there for the summer vacations, so that's where it ended. But ever since then, I've decided that I should never have to choose between more then one beautiful women who likes me unless they force me to do so. Conversely, I don't want to make any partner of mine not see someone else that they're interested in. That being said, I do have one rule, that goes both ways; if I have a partner, and either of us dislike someone else that they're with strongly, we can give each other an ultimatum; either leave the other person or our relationship will end.

In all honesty, I haven't had all that much experience with polyamorous relationships. I had a bit of it with my last girlfriend; soon after I met her, I told her that I was polyamorous and she could take it or leave it. We were together for a year, but I think that ultimately, we just weren't compatible with each other. Nevertheless, during that year, I did have relationships with other women, albeit fleetingly; nothing all that physical. The most I did with another women was a few kisses on the cheek, but it was more then enough to make me love polyamory. Now, I no longer talk to my ex girlfriend, but I still talk to the girl I gave some kisses to, even though she's now married. That's life for you .

 

[Scott]

Reading RedPepper's Journey, I noticed that recently, she had a breakup with a partner and it reminded me that I recently had a breakup as well; only not with a partner, but with a group dealing with polyamory. I was actually removed at about the same time that another member was removed. I don't know the official explanation as to why he was removed (I saw it briefly before not being able to access it anymore but can't remember the exact wording), although we were certainly in contact before the removal and the administrator of the group knew that. We also both had had disagreements with the administrator, which is probably the crux of the issue. But it's one thing to have a disagreement; it's another for that disagreement to result in being removed from a group. While I suspected that things were getting bad in my case (but thought I'd get a specific warning if things were getting to the point of removal), the other member seemed to be completely unprepared for his removal and even I didn't think it would happen so fast.

I loved to post in the forum of this group. However, as with RedPepper, what I posted apparently contributed to my being removed from their group. I thought I'd include the official explanation for my removal and hope that someone will comment on it. This was it:

We're sorry to inform you that due to issues that have arisen
based on your participation in the group's discussion boards
and at events, your membership in the Toronto Polyamory & Open
Relationships Social Group has been revoked and you are no
longer welcome to participate in the group meetings. We very
much encourage you to look into attending one of the other
ethical non-monogamy groups in the city in its place.​

Originally, I didn't even see this message, as I was rather shocked by my removal (I tried to log into my account there first instead of checking my email). So I went to write an email to the administrator of the forum without checking my emails, and just wrote the following:
"Why did you ban me from the group?"

I got a response which was similar to the one above:

Scott, I am sorry but there have been a number of complaints about your in-person and on the board behaviour causing problems for others, including for other long-standing members of the group. Myself and fellow organizers feel that in is in the best interests of the community that you and Steve be removed from the group.

I wish you both all the best in all your endeavours, [organizer]​

I really wasn't sure what she was referring to, so I asked if she could be more specific. But she pretty much just gave me the same reply again:

I'm sorry Scott, but various attempts by myself and other members to communicate with you have failed to produce any positive change in your behaviour. I really wish you all the best. Unfortunately we won't be able to accommodate you anymore in the context of this group.​

Seeing as how I wasn't really getting any more information, I decided to try to guess as to why I was removed, hoping that I could get more information that way. I also told her that I'd decided to make my own forum:

On Fri, Jan 20, 2012 at 12:04 AM, [organizer wrote]:

I'm sorry Scott, but various attempts by myself and other members to communicate with you have failed to produce any positive change in your behaviour.​

With you, I imagine it may be that you felt I didn't slow down. I did actually slow down for a moment, stopping the conversation in the theme thread with [Tr].. but then there was the other thread I made that [Ta] responded to. As to others, I can only guess who you're referring to. [Tr] perhaps? Anyway, if you don't want to tell me, that's fine.

I really wish you all the best. Unfortunately we won't be able to accommodate you anymore in the context of this group.​

Well, it's your group. I admit I was concerned that something like this might happen, which is why even before I had thought it might be a good idea to make my own group. Well, I've now done just that; we'll see how that goes. I assume you wouldn't want to join it, but thought I'd let you know that since you're essentially the only [certain type of poly group] in town, it might be a good idea to make my own. Was nice knowing you [organizer].

I got no response to that final email. So, what do people think?

 

[dingedheart]

I think you should check your email more often.

Wow, getting kicked out of a poly group that's not very loving...poly's all about the love....BUT.. rules are rules. How many warning shots did you get? How many did you ignore? Is Steve one of your partners? Whats his take on the removal?

You might want to look over the rule book here ...the mod's here are strict but fair ...good luck

 

[Scott]

I think you should check your email more often.

Laugh . I did check it.. I think.. but.. somehow I didn't see that.. I think I was in shock. That and I get too many emails from too many lists -.-

Wow, getting kicked out of a poly group that's not very loving...poly's all about the love....BUT.. rules are rules. How many warning shots did you get?

I got one email where she told me to "slow down". I tried... I really did.. I actually shut down 2 discussions.. In one of these discussions I shut down, I decided to send an email to the guy who I was responding to instead of posting in the forum. He never responded though. Then one of the organizer's assistants who just happened to be this guy's partner just brought up the subject in another thread and directed my attention there... she was an event organizer, so I said what the heck, if she's bringing it up here, I'll respond.. maybe she was just setting me up for the kill if you will. There's more to the story but it gets personal I guess.

How many did you ignore?

I'm not the type to ignore emails, especially not from the organizer of the entire group.

Is Steve one of your partners?

No, laugh . We were friends I guess you could say. We kind of agreed on some things that the organizer didn't agree on; so maybe that's why we were removed. I don't know.

Whats his take on the removal?

I think he was in way more shock then I was. He asked me if I could figure out why he was removed; I know he disagreed with her on some rather trivial things.. and I know that the organizer was upset with him about something near the end.. but neither he nor she would tell me what it was so.. no real idea. I also think he took it harder then I did... and it wasn't easy for me.

You might want to look over the rule book here ...the mod's here are strict but fair ...good luck

I think I gave it a scan... but the bottom line is, situations happen.. no rule book can cover them all. The best rule of thumb is, "do as the administration says" and you'll generally be fine. And if the administration is vague, then be extra cautious. Maybe don't say so much or what not. Anyway, what's done is done. As I mentioned, I wanted to make my own group before I was removed; I didn't want to need the permission of the organizer to make meetups, now that I have my own group, I can do that, and I've already scheduled my first meetup. I just wish that I could have had my own group -and- been able to attend meets in her group.. but you can't always get what you want as they say