Seriously considering polyamory. How to decide? How to start the conversation?

Photosynthesis

New member
Time for an update.

Well, taking in your advice and considering things, I decided to go with:
* Stop feeling guilty just for having feelings. That's irrational.
* Be my own person. (i.e. not a 'personblob' ) This has been pretty good, e.g. I've been discovering the music that *I* actually like, rather than just whatever was the best of what Jake listens to.
* as suggested, Let it go. I didn't tell Jake, because I couldn't see much to gain from it at this point, and what's to tell once it's gone? I decided to just let the crush run its course, go back to normal, and consider things from there. Bring up polyamory then.
* we're putting kids on ice for now (literally, just got the referral for egg freezing)
* focus on Jake more. Things have been going pretty well actually, which is great
* I figured I really do want to be polyamorous. I have been connecting more with friends lately and it makes me so much happier; I really want to extend that and develop more deep connections, both platonic and not. (Still terrifies me a bit, but like looking at a huge rollercoaster you're considering riding. Scary, but exciting.)
.


Okay, so that was the plan.

But
It
Didn't
Go
Away.

So work guy needs a name now. Let's call him Boston.

Nothing has happened by the way, the only people who know how I feel are you anonymous strangers.

Some of you were worried about the work relationship dynamic, well I'm changing jobs later in the year so that doesn't matter, also it's more friendship that colleague relationship anyway. Jake is getting to know him better too. We're all going camping with a couple other friends this Easter.

So, I've pretty intensely fallen for Boston. Apart from Jake, I've just never felt this much for someone. I care about him so deeply. None of the crushes I've had at any point in my life compare. I don't think it's just a crush guys.

So, if the plan was to wait for the crush to clear before bringing up polyamory, what the hell am I meant to do now?

I'm pretty sure Boston is completely clueless as to how I feel. We're friends, but I'm friendly with lots of people, which he can see.

I've got some big work things to do coming up before I leave, so I'm not going to say or do anything until that's done. But then, what?
How can I bring up polyamory with Jake without duplicitousness? If I say I have feelings for Boston first, I feel like that could make the polyamory conversation go way more difficultly. But if I don't, it's like I'm hiding something important. But if I do, I could be complicating things for no reason, because of course there's every possibility Boston isn't up for that kind of relationship with me anyway.

I want to be polyamorous with or without Boston. I also want Jake to know that he could have a girlfriend if he wants to. He's a very honorable guy and would never do anything to hurt me. I would be genuinely happy for him to develop a new relationship, but without having the polyamory conversation, he's not going to know that. So he's needlessly missing out. I've tried softening the topic with a few small comments here and there, but he's mostly just interpreting them as "I'm up for a threesome if you want" which is a bit beside the point; we really need to have the propper conversation.

What should I do?
 

Tinwen

Active member
I want to be polyamorous with or without Boston.
If this is your decision, I would tell it all, stressing this. "I would like to be polyamorous. There is someone specific I have in mind, but regardless if it works out with him or not, I'd like to be polyamorous."

And yes, you may lose Jake over it. To make your chances as a couple better, don't jump straight into contact with others. Allow for a period of consideration of at least a few months, while your partner gathers information and decides. Have some beginner book to read together. Then, allow for a slow transition (or a friendly parting of ways).
 
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River

Active member
If this is your decision, I would tell it all, stressing this. "I would like to be polyamorous. There is someone specific I have in mind, but regardless if it works out with him or not, I'd like to be polyamorous."

And yes, you may lose Jake over it. To make your chances as a couple better, don't jump straight into contact with others. Allow for a period of consideration of at least a few months, while your partner gathers information and decides. Have some beginner book to read together. Then, allow for a slow transition (or a friendly parting of ways).

I second this suggestion.

However, whether the "period of consideration" should last "at least a few months" … I'm not so sure it would need to be so long. It depends. But it is true that it may not be such a good idea to suddenly leap.
 

Tinwen

Active member
However, whether the "period of consideration" should last "at least a few months" … I'm not so sure it would need to be so long. It depends. But it is true that it may not be such a good idea to suddenly leap.
I agree. He could be "hell yeah", or "hell no". That would make it shorter. I just think if he's like "what the heck is polyamory", it does take it's due time.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Well, taking in your advice and considering things, I decided to go with:

Stop feeling guilty just for having feelings. That's irrational...


But
It [the crush]
Didn't
Go
Away.

So work guy needs a name now. Let's call him Boston.

Nothing has happened...

Some of you were worried about the work relationship dynamic, well I'm changing jobs later in the year so that doesn't matter, also it's more friendship than colleague relationship anyway. Jake is getting to know him better too. We're all going camping with a couple other friends this Easter.

So, I've pretty intensely fallen for Boston. Apart from Jake, I've just never felt this much for someone. I care about him so deeply. None of the crushes I've had at any point in my life compare. I don't think it's just a crush, guys.

As I said in my prior post, I used to get crushes. I remember one guy, it felt like more than a crush. I felt like I loved him. I wanted him so bad. He lived across the street! He was a musician like my ex husband, and started coming over at least once a week to jam with my husband and other musician friends. He was cute and fun and funny and sensitive and polite and I actually preferred him to my husband. He was also younger and in better shape than my husband. It was a problem! We weren't in an Open relationship (yet), I was obviously extremely attracted to him. I tried to hide it, I tried to downplay it.

And the crush didn't go away for years. In my case, he freaking lived across the street. He was a like-minded friend. He really liked me, and my husband as well. He got along with our kids. Etc.

Crushes dissipate when proximity is removed. This guy had been single when we met. (I was early 40s, he was late 20s.) He eventually met a woman, they got married, they moved 45 minutes away and built a house. Started a family. I didn't get to see him nearly as frequently, and finally I was able to think of him as a married settled friend. It helped I didn't like his wife, and so I didn't so much enjoy visiting him at their parties or when just my family was invited, because I found her annoying.

So, it took all that to get my crush/attraction/love to dissipate. It's been about 20 years now, and we are FB friends, and I still enjoy looking at his pix, and his selfies. He's still just as cute, just as interesting and dear, but I divorced my husband and became poly and have a 10 year relationship with my current partner and we are poly and have had many other relationships, so this guy is just mostly a sweet memory, not an obsession anymore.

In your case, you see Boston at work a lot. But soon you'll be changing jobs? So you won't see him daily? But, however, now he's becoming a family friend, to the point of planning a camping trip? That will be very intimate. That will increase your desire.

So, if the plan was to wait for the crush to clear before bringing up polyamory, what the hell am I meant to do now?

I'm pretty sure Boston is completely clueless as to how I feel. We're friends, but I'm friendly with lots of people, which he can see.

I've got some big work things to do coming up before I leave, so I'm not going to say or do anything until that's done. But then, what?

How can I bring up polyamory with Jake without duplicitousness? If I say I have feelings for Boston first, I feel like that could make the polyamory conversation go way more difficultly. But if I don't, it's like I'm hiding something important. But if I do, I could be complicating things for no reason, because of course there's every possibility Boston isn't up for that kind of relationship with me anyway.

I don't think there is any perfect way to approach this. Since you're so tortured by your crush/love for Boston, it's probably best to admit it to Jake. It sounds like you were kinda subsumed in a personblob if you weren't even listening to music you liked, but just what Jake liked! How much other stuff unique to you have you submerged in the pursuit of monogamist thinking?

It sounds like you want more intimacy with everyone you care about. You say, while you are crushing on Boston, you are also "focusing on Jake more." How does that play out?

You're probably afraid Jake will hit the roof when you admit to your crush on a guy who is becoming a trusted family friend. Maybe Jake won't want to go camping with him when you confess. Then again, maybe it will cause even more intimacy with Jake, and he will confess to having or having had crushes too, that he felt guilty about. Hopefully he won't be like my ex h and act all virtuous to "set a good example," hypocritically. But my ex was old school, you're younger. Also, you and Jake have never had other lovers. It's extremely common for people who become mono and marry their first love, to start to wander and wonder after a time... Jake might be the same as you. You won't know unless you confess about Boston, and ask Jake if he's had crushes too.

I want to be polyamorous with or without Boston. I also want Jake to know that he could have a girlfriend if he wants to. He's a very honorable guy and would never do anything to hurt me. I would be genuinely happy for him to develop a new relationship, but without having the polyamory conversation, he's not going to know that. So he's needlessly missing out. I've tried softening the topic with a few small comments here and there, but he's mostly just interpreting them as "I'm up for a threesome if you want" which is a bit beside the point; we really need to have the proper conversation.

What should I do?

In my opinion, open and honest communication seems to be in order. I know it's terrifying.
 

PurpleSun

New member
If you are thinking of starting a family, don't complicate your relationship with a new structure like polyamory. Family planning, pregnancy, having and raising children - this will all be more than enough of a strain on your relationship without the extra baggage of adjusting to polyamory.

Also, in addition to what I just said, I think, prior to starting a family, you need to really check in to see just how solid your relationship is/why you want a different set up now. Is it because one or both of you is hard wired to be poly, and there will be something missing if you don't get to explore this? Is this something that you really, really want to explore? If either of those, or anything that might make you think that you really, really need to try this for the sake of a continuing happy, healthy relationship, then you really need to hold off on having kids. Once the little ones are in the picture, it's a whole different ballgame, and your relationship - hell, all of your adult life needs - definitely take a huge and heavy back burner. Something to think about for sure before taking the kid plunge.
 

PurpleSun

New member

GalaGirl

Well-known member
FWIW -- here is my suggestion. Others might have other approaches for you to consider.

Me? I prefer being direct and I appreciate when others are direct with me. I dislike beating around the bush and taking forever to just spit it out.

So, if the plan was to wait for the crush to clear before bringing up polyamory, what the hell am I meant to do now?

You could speak your truth.

1) Keep it simple. Stop overthinking. Set an appointment.

"Jake -- before we move on to having kids, I really need to talk about something. Can we set a time this weekend to do that?"

And since you have some big work thing, set it for AFTER the work thing is over.


2) Be honest when the appointment comes. Obtain second consent.

"There's been this on my mind lately. I want to talk about polyamory and where each one of us stands on that. I don't know if you are even up for talking about that. I have some links. Could you be willing to look at them with me? "


http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html

http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles


3) IF Jake wants to know what brought all this on and IF you want to tell at this time....


"I had a crush on Boston from work. Boston does not know, and I don't intend to do anything about it at this time. It was the game changing trigger in the sense that the experience made me realize I want to try poly.

So....that meant I had to come talk to you. I don't know if you are up for changing models or if that's just not something you would even want to deal end. Since I'm not a mind reader, I have to ask to find out.

I think we best sort all that out before having children together. Because the answer to this might affect the plan for that. "

4) Sum Up.

" Basically my bottom line is this: I want to practice polyamory. I'd like to do poly with you... but can respect it if you want no part of that and need to bow out.

I also want you, Jake, to know that this would not be like poly only for me on my side and not for you. It would be having the option on both sides. We could talk about open models.

But if this is just NOT your cup of tea at all, then I want to be respectful of that.
Then we may have to change the conversation to talk about our relationship coming to a close. Which makes me sad. But I can't NOT be honest with you... that's not right. This was hard for me to bring up. I hope we can talk calmly about it.

So... thoughts? Make a different day to talk more? Talk a little now? I could see where this might be coming out of the sky and you might need time to collect yourself. "

Lean IN and have the talks you need to be having. Don't wimp out just cuz it's hard.

Galagirl
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Gosh, I wish Photosynthesis would come back with an update! I wonder if she had talks with Jake, I wonder if she is "focusing on him more" and how.I wonder if the camping trip with Boston happened, or if everything has exploded.
 

sexyserb

Member
Photo,

Lets start here from your first post
I'm wondering how I can bring up the topic so we can discuss it. I want him to be reassured that if it's not something he would be comfortable with, then I'm not either
To here
I want to be polyamorous with or without Boston.

And this statement
I'm pretty sure Boston is completely clueless as to how I feel. We're friends, but I'm friendly with lots of people, which he can see.

So apparently you are so convinced you want to be polyamorous or non monogamous that you are now willing to blow up your relationship if necessary in order to have that. As far as Boston being clueless, sorry sweetie, not sure i buy that one 100% since this crush with him pushed you into certainty you want polyamory.

If I say I have feelings for Boston first, I feel like that could make the polyamory conversation go way more difficultly. But if I don't, it's like I'm hiding something important. But if I do, I could be complicating things for no reason, because of course there's every possibility Boston isn't up for that kind of relationship with me anyway.


Now read that one. no one says you get to have this conversation not be difficult and withholding information like you have your first fuck buddy picked out is hardly what the folks here would call "ethical". And of course its worse if Boston is not the clueless wonder you are painting him to be. Believe it or not, men have some ability to sense when women are interested in them. But lets assume Boston is clueless, if Jake does not react well to your talk, perception is sometimes more important than facts, and i hope you can see that Jake might feel a bit manipulated by this new great friendship and togetherness like camping trips right after you tell him Boston is your new boyfriend.

Now, absolutely no one here knows Jake and Magdyln and GalaGirl have given you a bunch of things that could happen. prudent people PLAN for the worst and are delighted if that does not happen.

If Jake hears your conversation and wipes his brow and say thank you and how happy you have made him because he wanted the same thing, then you're home free. but my guess is you're not so confident of that happening or you wouldn't be here.

So ask yourself, not us, a few questions. And lets assume you give Jake the whole truth about Boston.
(1) As Gala Girl pointed out, are YOU prepared to end your relationship if Jake says NO WAY . According to what you have written, your answer should be YES .
(2) What is your response if Jake says he'll consider it, but not with your future boyfriend in the picture. You say you want polyamory with or without Boston, so that should be OK with you too. And by the way, if you happen to read any of the large infidelity forums, you will find that when folks do not react well to getting the infidelity or poly bomb dropped on them, having it happen with someone that has been brought right into their face is a level of disrespect that is more destructive than the initial betrayal.
(3) Does Jake get any time to consider any of this or do you tell him you and Boston are going to start to "date"??

The bottom line is you are about to enter a conversation, if not already done, than has the potential to end your relationship as well as enhance it. You are a big risk taker to do that if it ALL depends on you being able to have a relationship with Boston, a guy you claim has no idea of any of this.

my guess is if you already had the conversation and Jake is joyous, you would have been back already to report the great news.

you have some serious questions that involve a lot more research I believe . Good luck to you
 
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