Sex and libido when dating a married couple. Advice?

Lethalanelle

New member
I've been dating a married couple for about 8 months now. We were friends about the same amount of time prior. They've been together 10 years and married about 4. They've opened their marriage before but only ever casually so inviting a third into their relationship is still new and we're all learning as we go. I've never been in an open relationship before but because of my background in the kink community I seem to have the firmest foundation in knowledge about polyamoury and how to navigate these newer waters.

I'm very uncomfortable talking about my emotions but I understand the importance of communication so I make sure my discomfort doesn't get in the way. My bf is very similar in his discomfort but the only way he can feel comfortable enough to talk is through messenger, which I find easier too so I don't mind. As a result of these similarities I can sometimes give my gf some perspective as to how he may be feeling when there's an argument or disagreement because she's admitted to me she has trouble reading his emotions from his reactions. I do not however take sides or bitch as I know that's not going to help anything and leads to dangerous territory.

I was having a very open conversation with my gf the other day about our relationship and how we have been feeling and progressing emotionally in ourselves and in relation to eachother. Her and I are both far more libidinous than he is and I've assured him that it is perfectly ok with me. That it isn't uncommon and I enjoy spending time with them in all regards, sex is only one aspect of that. But I know there has been frustration between the pair of them over the differences in their libidos. She ended up telling me with some frustration that they had only had sex once since I had left the previous week (I spend 4 days or so living with them and am home for about a week on cycle) but I haven't noticed this. He and I had sex 4 or 5 times over the space of the last 3 days.

Maybe this is a result of the honeymoon phase or because I am actively more understanding but I really don't know how concerned I should be. I was wondering if anyone had any experience in similar situations. I don't want to hurt her feelings or abuse his trust but if there is an issue I don't know how much I should be discussing as a triad. I know he cares about her and her feelings so much from past discussions but I know how much impact their relationship has on mine with them.

Tldr; dating a married couple and he seems more interested in having sex with me than with her. Advice?:D
 
I hope someone more experienced with this situation comes along really quick, but here's my take on it.

How does the frequency of sex between the two of them personally effect YOU? If it doesn't (and, really, it probably doesn't), then what would be gained by telling your GF that you have sex more frequently with her husband than she does? It may read to her like humblebragging, no matter how sensitively you think you put it.

Do you see what possible good could come out of this? If so, I just don't see it. More likely, it will blow up in your face.
 
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Lethalanelle

New member
I think it's that I know this is putting strain on their relationship and in having this conversation with her I was told more about their relationship that i wasn't even aware I hadn't been privy to before. I knew they had a really tough winter last year with his mental health but I wasn't told how hard it had hit their marriage. I think (whether it's intentional or not) she sees me at least in some part to be a solution. She told me that me veung around has really helped, which I really don't know how to feel about that. It's good I can comfort them but I can't be a bandaid.

And I know they had a conversation recently about her making advances when he's not interested (which seems to be most of the time) and not that into sex but he makes advances on me pretty often. I'm afraid that there's something wrong on his side of their relatuonship but instead of facing it he's just pretending it isn't there, cause I'd believe he would do that. I've also actively noticed in the last few weeks that when she comes home from work his mood often becomes more hostile or standoffish and I don't know if that's because I understand where he goes in his head better and so agitate him less or if he's comparing or of its something else entirely.
Either way, the health of their relationship has a huge impact on mine and in that sense it is my concern.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hello Lethalanelle,

I think that your boyfriend's increased sexual interest with you is probably due to NRE. Come on, he's been with your girlfriend (his wife) for ten years. Things are bound to slow down. Whereas he's only been with you for eight months. Things are still new and exciting there.

It doesn't seem necessary to tell her that he is having more sex with you. Let the two of them work out their issues between each other. Possibly they should go see a sex therapist, but regardless, it is their issue to deal with. You could inform him that she is wanting more sex with him, but really that is something for her to tell him, and things could get sticky if you allow yourself to be put in the middle of this. You could give them advice if they ask for it, but that's as involved as I'd get and I'd only do very little of that.

I hope you guys can get things worked out.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

GalaGirl

Well-known member
I think every polyship is made up of many "little relationships" inside it. When those smaller components are going well, then the overall polyship is doing well. When one of those is having problems, there can be a "ripple effect" across the others.

Like if (you + GF) have an argument, then it's going to be awkward to do a (you + Gf + BF) movie date if that argument is still going. It originated in the blue, but can be felt in the green.

This situation is the polymath layer of (him + her) which is where the problem originates. And you are feeling it in the you + (him + her). The layer of how you behave toward the couple having a problem.

I think you could tell her that you are sorry to hear that and encourage her to talk to him directly about improving their sex life. That would be the most polite/correct thing to do. Let that couple solve their things themselves inside their dyad. Do not get yourself sucked into it. And don't make it be a (you + her + him) thing. You might feel it there in that layer also... but to really solve problems, it has to be done on the originating layer. Otherwise it becomes like chasing ripples or worse.. ADDING to the ripples/disturbances.

I don't want to hurt her feelings or abuse his trust but if there is an issue I don't know how much I should be discussing as a triad.

It sounds like this sex issue made you realize that there's this other problem -- not know what the "communication rings" might be here. You probably don't want to use the sex problems as the thing though. I get that you are concerned for them, but let them sort it out. This is new triad, there will be growing pains on all layers... Let them sort their things privately on their own.

If you bring up anything in triad, I would imagine it could be about you needing clearer communication expectations. Every dyad need some privacy. What is ok to share and what is NOT ok to share outside the dyad? With the triad partner? With family? Friends? Others? How far out?

Sort out your communication rings. But use an example topic that is "emotionally neutral but important." Like TP.

Ex:

  • All people who live in my house do not care if my bathroom is out of toilet paper. That affects only the parents -- me and spouse. We care a lot. The kid bathroom people do not care what happens to toilet paper in the parent bathroom. But if one parent notices... they could alert the other parent if they aren't going to refill right away. It affects that other parent if they go in there and SURPRISE! You are TP stranded!

  • People who live in my house? They ALL want to know if we are out of toilet paper in the storage closet. We all refill from there. If that closet runs out, it affects everyone. The rule is to tell people AND put on fridge grocery list if you take one and then we are down to our last 6 pack. That gives us time to get another big monster pack without anyone risking getting TP stranded. This usually gets said at dinner like "Hey, I just put TP on the grocery list. I got one out and we are now in the last 6 in the pack. Be aware."

  • Friends and family who live elsewhere? Most of the time they do not care if the parent bathroom ran out, if the kid bathroom ran out, OR if the storage closet ran out. This news does not apply to them nor affect them. They only would care if they are visiting and end up TP stranded in the kid bathroom which is also the guest bathroom. If someone died from a bizarro toilet paper explosion -- they would want to know that. They would come to the funeral. But just being out of toilet paper in general? They don't care to know and they don't have to know 95% of the time.

The communication that happens on each ring for "toilet paper issues" changes depending on who is in the ring, who it affects, and the severity of the issue.

So... talk in triad what your "communication rings" are for various things so you can get the clarity you need.

Feel free to use the TP example to get the conversation started so you can get the communication questions sorted in a "neutral" way.

Then another time continue the conversations... each time taking another area. What about major financial decisions? What about major life decisions like a career change or move? What about sex? What about buying property? What if one of the triad partners passes away?

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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anamikanon

New member
If he is currently more attracted to you than her, you getting involved in the issue with low attraction between them will be counterproductive, because your involvement will make it even harder for him to be aware of the attraction between them. You may mean well, but if your intent is to help, the last thing you want to do while they are figuring out low attraction is to highlight high attraction being elsewhere in the space between the two of them.

The process of awareness is largely about differentiation. "Is my life better with or without this person?" "Does this person touching me feel good or not touching me feel good?" and so on. You being inserted into their issues will trip "Do I like being close to this woman or not" into "Do I like being close to her or Lethalanelle?" and the answer to that is the problem, I believe? In my view, you are the one person who can't help with this. And sometimes the most important help is doing nothing, deliberately.

If you like to eat A food more than B, but B is the breakfast daily, it is harder to appreciate B if the scent of A is in the air. To put it in an excessively simplistic manner.
 

maddistrong

New member
Have you tried to use viagra or some other pills for making your sex longer and more pleasant?

UPD: I think that you both need to see a sex therapist or something like that. Counseling should help. Usually, the problem is in your head. The anxiety is a very big problem, it just doesn't let you focus on that, because you have too many worries. You need to calm down, talk to each other, try some foreplay. If even this won't help, I would recommend you to buy the kamagra, for example here - link removed by moderator, it's cheap and will raise your libido. But be careful, don't mix it with any other substances and don't abuse it.
 
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