Sexless Marriage- Told him I was stepping out for sex

SweetSensations

New member
In the last week, have your efforts to be reassuring and loving worked?

What about efforts to give him more info? Have you told him when you were going out on a date, where you'd be, and when you'd be back? Does he like this info, or did it backfire?

Thank you Marathoner, He is going through a rough patch right now so I feel the need to hide sex with MM during the day.

We talked about therapy and how I didn't make this choice until I left no stone unturned. He agreed but really said nothing of substance so he is clamming up. He wanted to go snowboarding alone without his son, my stepson. He snapped at me and told me to butt out and not text Jr.
MM says he has another woman. I would love my relationship out in the open but I need to be here at night for him. I also told him that it was better this way and I would not want to force him to have unwanted sex. Sex = love for me so I am reprogramming self. Until I get him to stop snapping MM will be hidden. Never would my H want him in sight. He was upset, looked in the fridge and didn't want me cooking for MM/giving him leftovers. I thought, why did he bring that up. I won't wait another 3 years for sex. H will tend not ask me anything about MM anyway.

I didn't receive the usual flowers for our anniversary. I backed out of cooking our candle light anniversary dinner, then cooked it several days later

Thank you kindly and if you see me regressing please tell me. ;)
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Well, you have some rough times to work through. I hope things get a little better; I hope H mellows out a little over time.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
I just need to mention that "intimacy" is not the same thing as "sex."

Is it "sex" that you need, or "intimacy?"

Every romantic relationship needs intimacy. That can take many forms: cuddling, eating cake together and smearing icing on his nose, interlocking arms while you walk from the car to the grocery store, holding hands while you watch tv, sitting down and talking about your feelings...

You can't meet your relationship's "intimacy needs" from a person outside your relationship. They must be met between you and your husband.

Now, all of that is 100% separate for your sexual needs. If you need sex and your husband does not, then that is something you can meet outside the relationship. Just make sure you're clear on the distinction.

I'm in a rather asexual stage right now, I go through them from time to time. If my husband came home and said "I need intimacy, I'm going to go have sex with someone else" then I would feel rejected. I believe that we have a very intimate relationship; I make a point of doing my part in being intimate. But if he came home and said "I'm really horny. Do you want to have sex? No? Do you mind if I go have sex with someone else?" then I would encourage him.
 

SweetSensations

New member
I just need to mention that "intimacy" is not the same thing as "sex."

Is it "sex" that you need, or "intimacy?"

Every romantic relationship needs intimacy. That can take many forms: cuddling, eating cake together and smearing icing on his nose, interlocking arms while you walk from the car to the grocery store, holding hands while you watch tv, sitting down and talking about your feelings...

.
At first I just lost sex but over the years I lost some intimacy. If it is anything that is done in the bedroom, sorry to say I have lost it. Hot tub, massage, touch, kissing, even fellatio, sex. I used to get naked and wait till he was asleep so I could snuggle. I purchased several fucking machines and accepted that this was my sex. It took 3 months to manufacture, before it even got here I knew it would not cut it. Then realized I needed the intimacy that came with it. I must engage all the senses in the bedroom.

A therapist said I had a neat little packaged life for H and said he had no reason to change cuz I asked for sex quarterly/less. She set out to "rock the boat" with assignments to do at home. My H dug his heels in and I lost a great deal of intimacy at that point. Hey, how do you know what will come of it unless you try everything. I have much to learn and I guess I came here and saw ppl rocking the boat but I need balance. Financially I am fine, no kids of my own. I could do a lot of boat rocking but I have to get my courage up again. I am not sure at what point my behaviour becomes abusive to my love.

Intimacy outside the bedroom is still mostly intact until recently.
 

dust

New member
I am not sure at what point my behaviour becomes abusive to my love.

At what point does your husband's behavior become abusive to you...?

I think a lot of people would consider that it crossed that line a long time ago, though it doesn't sound like you feel that way. That's fine, but it seems so unbalanced - I think you need to either be as hard on him as you are on yourself, or, better yet - as easy on yourself as you are on him.

He's focused on his needs, not yours - so do what you need to do to be happy and feel good that you are finding a way to do it without breaking up your marriage.

You deserve sex and intimacy. You also deserve to feel good about yourself.
 

SchrodingersCat

Active member
At what point does your husband's behavior become abusive to you...?

I think a lot of people would consider that it crossed that line a long time ago, though it doesn't sound like you feel that way. That's fine, but it seems so unbalanced - I think you need to either be as hard on him as you are on yourself, or, better yet - as easy on yourself as you are on him.

He's focused on his needs, not yours - so do what you need to do to be happy and feel good that you are finding a way to do it without breaking up your marriage.

You deserve sex and intimacy. You also deserve to feel good about yourself.

Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse?? I don't know who these "a lot of people" are that you're referring to, as I don't know anyone who would see it that way. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you meant "neglect" and not "abuse."

For the record, forcing someone to engage in sexual activity when they do not want it is rape. Yes, women can rape men. No, having an erection does not qualify as consent.

The OP does not own her husband's penis. It is his penis and his decision when and how to use it. If he has chosen to stop using it in a way that she requires for a healthy marriage, it is completely her responsibility to leave that marriage and seek a relationship that meets her sexual needs. She does not have the right to pressure, guilt, or force him to have sex if he has stated that he does not want to. Period.

By the same token, he does not have the right to prevent her from using her vagina with any other penis as she sees fit. It's her vagina and she can put any WILLING penis in it that she wants.
 
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dust

New member
Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse??
I was using abuse in the same context I quoted it - and my point was not to argue abuse, but to suggest that vastly different standards were being applied to behavior.

I thought my point was pretty clear that SweetSensations shouldn't feel abusive to her husband - my apologies if that didn't come through.
 

SweetSensations

New member
emotional abuse

Whaaat? How does him not being interested in sex or physical contact amount to abuse?? I don't know who these "a lot of people" are that you're referring to, as I don't know anyone who would see it that way. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you meant "neglect" and not "abuse."

For the record, forcing someone to engage in sexual activity when they do not want it is rape. Yes, women can rape men. No, having an erection does not qualify as consent.

The OP does not own her husband's penis. It is his penis and his decision when and how to use it. If he has chosen to stop using it in a way that she requires for a healthy marriage, it is completely her responsibility to leave that marriage and seek a relationship that meets her sexual needs. She does not have the right to pressure, guilt, or force him to have sex if he has stated that he does not want to. Period.

By the same token, he does not have the right to prevent her from using her vagina with any other penis as she sees fit. It's her vagina and she can put any WILLING penis in it that she wants.

Maybe you are not saying I have raped my H. But please clarify that I have not raped my H when you say those type of statements. I have gone to great lengths to wait about even asking for sex cuz after all who wants to be turned down. When we sleep I am usually touching him somehow. I also cup is balls and hook his penis with my thumb. I hve been doing this for years and years. He is used to it. He does get a morning woody and I hold it I don't even rub it. I do understand how a woody works in the AM. He never has asked me to stop so why should I.

What if he had told me babe, i'm really not into sex anymore, I don't want you suffering in silence. Please baby, you are a touchy feely type of woman what if I gave you a blessing to search for a sexual mate. I am scared and don't want to lose my BFF but then again, just reassure me and help me move through this. He is not used to me raising my voice at him in emotion and I am not used to him doing that. He feels out of control, so he is trying to control by not letting me make decisions that are mine to make. Going grocery shopping, picking out a movie at red box. I have never been able to make 50% of the decisions but how about 30% right now he is squashing me and it is emotionally abusive. I intern am fighting for my rights just for the simple things in life. Can we move through this...yes, will it take time yes. I too am guilty.

If a partner does not want sex that in itself is not abuse. I would venture to say that there is plenty of emotional abuse on this site. If my H does not want sex that is great but I do have to report that both of us are emotionally abusive when we engage in the raising of our voices coupled with some belittling. Sometimes I think oh brother this is so damn hard. He truly has very few acquaintances and I have to do my best. I just can't leave him like the others and then parade lovers in front of him on his jogging trail and say ...see this guy. :eek:

Everyone can be emotionally abusive at times it just depends on the duration of time that passes between each time it happens. What gives me hope is he will clean it up after he has been really mean. He snapped at me in front of strangers, that just does not happen in fact I am not sure that has ever happened in front of strangers.
 
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SchrodingersCat

Active member
Silence is not consent.

Maybe you are not saying I have raped my H. But please clarify that I have not raped my H when you say those type of statements.

Well, I honestly cannot say whether you raped your husband or not. I was not there. So I cannot say "you didn't rape your husband." Maybe you did.

I also cup is balls and hook his penis with my thumb. I hve been doing this for years and years. He is used to it.

"I have been doing this for years; he is used to it" is not consent now; he has told you he is not interested in sex. Until he explicitly says he is interested in sex or that he likes it when you touch his penis, then there is no consent. Not saying "no" is not saying "yes" either.

He does get a morning woody and I hold it I don't even rub it.

"I put my penis in her but I didn't thrust back and forth." Really? Friction is the difference between rape and consensual sex??

He never has asked me to stop so why should I.

Because he didn't ask you to start. By modern definitions, any sexual act without explicit consent (e.g. "I like it when you cup my balls and penis. Can you do that tonight?") is considered sexual assault. The fact that your husband doesn't object does not constitute consent.

You've told us that your husband is not sexual and does not want to be sexual. I can't speak to why he has not asked you to stop. Perhaps he is afraid of upsetting you. But have you asked him if it's ok for you to do that? If he's told you that he's not interested in sex, and then you touch his penis (whether you rub it or not) when he has not asked you to touch his penis, then girl, that's an unwanted sexual act. So no, I will not tell you that you have not raped him.

It makes me sad that I have to explain all of this. Do you think it's somehow different than if he were a 16 year old girl and you were her 19 year old boyfriend? Your husband's right to not be sexual is no less valid than a 16 year old girl's.

What's done is done and if your husband hasn't felt assaulted, then that's a good thing. But going forwards, you owe it to your husband's right to sexual autonomy to sit down with him and make sure you have his consent to continue those acts. If he exhibits any hesitance or says something loosey goosey like "yeah, I guess" then you have a moral obligation to stop.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
I am guessing nothing was done intentionally wrong, but I see the merit in having a sit-down with H to make sure he's really okay with things.

I actually was worrying about the verbal-abuse aspect of the situation, as it has sounded like H has had a short fuse at times. But maybe he has been stressed out due to the other factors. The only way to find out is to ask (and hopefully he's willing to answer).
 

SweetSensations

New member
I didn't rape him -

Silence is not consent.



Well, I honestly cannot say whether you raped your husband or not. I was not there. So I cannot say "you didn't rape your husband." Maybe you did.



"I have been doing this for years; he is used to it" is not consent now; he has told you he is not interested in sex. Until he explicitly says he is interested in sex or that he likes it when you touch his penis, then there is no consent. Not saying "no" is not saying "yes" either.



"I put my penis in her but I didn't thrust back and forth." Really? Friction is the difference between rape and consensual sex??



Because he didn't ask you to start. By modern definitions, any sexual act without explicit consent (e.g. "I like it when you cup my balls and penis. Can you do that tonight?") is considered sexual assault. The fact that your husband doesn't object does not constitute consent.

You've told us that your husband is not sexual and does not want to be sexual. I can't speak to why he has not asked you to stop. Perhaps he is afraid of upsetting you. But have you asked him if it's ok for you to do that? If he's told you that he's not interested in sex, and then you touch his penis (whether you rub it or not) when he has not asked you to touch his penis, then girl, that's an unwanted sexual act. So no, I will not tell you that you have not raped him.

It makes me sad that I have to explain all of this. Do you think it's somehow different than if he were a 16 year old girl and you were her 19 year old boyfriend? Your husband's right to not be sexual is no less valid than a 16 year old girl's.

Yu are using really preposterous analogies. Nice try though.
My H is can somehow be assertive and tell me he does not want to make love but he is completely powerless when it comes to asking me not to spoon him and cup his testicles? He can tell me no babe I don't want a massage because why? Because I used to give him a massage after sex...and he just may have to give in. If he was powerless to say no to me wouldn't he be giving me sympathy sex/duty sex?

Why hasn't H rolled over when I cup him to go to sleep? Because he knows it is just loving touch. I was sick before Christmas, I chose to sleep in another room for 3 nights in a row. He came in and said babe you are better, come and sleep with me. I used to ride him for a few strokes then settle in and let him get flaccid and try to stay connected until we got hot. Did he perceive it to be that I wanted sex? NO why not? I had been doing it for many years and it had nothing to do with sex. I was just was just expressing my love for him. Do I do it anymore NO. When he couldn't sleep I would say love let's have a quickie then you will be able to sleep. He won't anymore? why? cuz he was using me to just go to sleep. I put my foot on top of his and he presses up...just a loving act.

If you want his phone number you can coach him.

You may be like some men I hug tightly. Then they think oh my, she hugged me I bet she wants me. NO, put YOUR ego back in your pocket. It is just a loving/thankful hug. Cupping his nuts is just a loving act. Knocking on the headboard means I want sex. Is there a chance he knows the difference between the two? YES

Sorry but nothing irritates me more than ppl making stuff up in threads.
 

MzWiz

New member
My perspective

A friend pointed me to your thread as your situation is similar to my own
20+ years together, but we've been in different beds/bedrooms for well over 10 years now, my quarterly "bonus" became a yearly thing, and a few years back, I too was "authorized" to seek release elsewhere (DADT which eventually kicked me in the behind as emotions got involved so we stopped)

I must admit I laughed when I read you actually bought a f-ing machine, I tried to get mine to build one with me (as we're both technically inclined, thought I'd get his interest.... he looked at me like I was nuts)
I've been in & out of therapy several times (him saying he would join yet every time we had a session, something came up and he was unable to attend)
We've talked and talked, I've cried a river of tears, begged on bended knee more times than I can count... and yes, I've even felt like a rapist (and told him such, many times)
I too can get him hard easily enough yet he has no interest in finishing
I've taken homeopathic anaphrodisiacs to kill my mojo (useless), spoken with traditional Drs about chemical castration (for myself - strongly discouraged and if taken long term: permanent as it kills brain receptors which never recoup), I've even considered physical castration and even suicide.... yes, sorry, I have... the pain being more than I can take...
Fortunately, I'm a AA member and if I got through that, I know I can get through this
All of the above took place over a 3-5 year period…. Many-many conversations through-out, many promises on his side to see Drs, get his T checked, move mountains if required… but nothing was ever done

Last October, I had a "final" discussion with him - a "shit or get off the pot" talk which I thought sunk in, finally...... but it didn't
A week or so ago, his hugs started feeling very uncomfortable (we always hugged goodnight) and he was upset, so we talked again…
He got very frustrated with me, saying I’m the one pulling back, that it was my fault…. (please note: throughout he’s stated it was my fault, I’m too horny, I am never satisfied, I’m a “pig”)
We then had a conversation which left him speechless several times as I rattled off all the tricks and ploys I’ve used over the years to get his attention, how I felt it was such a miracle, such a blessing, to finally have access to his form in a way which connected us “inside”, of having him finally “with” me, deeply…
Did/has that had any effect? Has he called anyone, done any research, made any move….
Kinda, I got flowers and roast beef dinner the next day (his idea of showing me love), I accepted, gratefully, acknowledging his effort… then next day, another conversation
From his perspective, flowers & dinner makes everything OK again…. But not from mine…
He said he’s feeling rejected, me, in another one of my don’t-piss-me-off-moods as I realize he really doesn’t get it, I told him point blank: Let me know how it feels after 10+ years then you’ll know what it’s like to be in my skin (said calmly while looking straight into his eyes – He looked away in pain)

I don’t want to hurt him…. But neither of us is “living” at this point
We’re living in the same building, work very well together as a team, don’t argue/fight on anything really, all in all a very comfortable lifestyle, no drama, steady-as-she-goes life…..
And while there is still desire within me for him, it’s easier now to quiet that voice as I know with 100% certainty that if I allow closeness of that nature, we’re only going to back to the same place again in a few months

I explained it to him this way:
Years ago, he was a welder, hated the job but had to pay the bills…..
Then he got into IT and loves it
From my perspective, our relationship has gone this path but inverse whereas it was joy, now it’s work/uncomfortable
And yes, now our conversations, all our conversations, are work/filled with tension/unilateral(his way 99% of the time with me assisting, to which I balk and causes additional friction)…..

My hopes for me is that I am able to keep the house (mine legally) with him, and we can live together as family till one of us moves on
Neither of us has someone waiting in the wings (not on my side, and I’m assuming on his either as he does say he loves me and it shows in his eyes)
We started as friends for 2 years before becoming intimate, so I’d like us to remain friends (at a minimum), and, if possible, remain family
His perspective is: all or nothing
Unfortunately his definition of “all” isn’t the same as mine… and he still hasn’t researched anything or spoke with anyone for help/guidance

I have learnt, at best, I control only myself (my actions/responses/perspectives)
That I can influence the area within 10 feet of me (co-workers, project directions, action plans… my energy overall be it positive or negative will “feed” my 10 feet)
And beyond 10 feet, I have no influence (politics, corporate direction, traffic  )
So If I can only control myself, my actions… and from my perspective, I’ve tried everything I could……
And if I only influence with 10 feet of me, and I’ve communicated over an extended period my needs….
The ball is in his court… yet it’s not….
I know the price of getting his attentions, it’s tears, frustration, loneliness, feelings of abandonment…
And it’s my choice if I want to go there (not!)
But I can focus on me… try to use “I” more instead of “we”… he’s noticed, and he’s scared… yet somehow not scared enough to action

As stands, I’m slowly cleaning the house, throwing out the clutter, knowing I’m doing so because the house will eventually be sold (I’m not keeping it alone, not walking/living with his ghost once we part)
He knows this, he isn’t helping but he isn’t stopping me either

My hopes for you is you focus on yourself & your 10 feet
Find as much pleasure you can within that space of 10 feet, no matter where you are or who you are with
And most of all, remember, you are a valuable person just as you are
There is nothing wrong with you, you exist for a purpose, a good purpose, deserve to love & be loved as you understand love
Your definition of self is based on what’s in you, not what’s external, his views/needs/perspective of you or your couple
It’s hard, I know, yet I truly believe I have been given this challenge as so I will grow stronger
As to why I need to be SuperMan emotionally, I don’t know, but that’s OK
Just be careful of negative thinking, of feeling lessor-than because one person isn’t loving you as you need/want/desire
You are beautiful just as you are, many people in your life love you just as you are
Yes, this isn’t easy…..
No, unfortunately, no one has your answer for you….
But there are others, like myself, in similar situations, so you’re not alone
And for me, knowing I’m not alone, knowing I am not some kind of extraterrestrial making unreasonable demands…
It gives me strength, helps me face the day, helps me have those uncomfortable conversations

Sorry for the long post, not sure if it helps you… but knowing you too are going through this kind of mess helps me
So thank you for posting and letting me air out a few things
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Good post. It describes well the frustration and heartache of that type of situation.
 

bassman

New member
Not sure where I read it, but I think here in the UK, a "sexless marriage" is considered that, where it happens less than once a month. About 10 years of my now annulled marriage, I realise now, could be considered sexless. Very early, she drew a line down the bed and said "this side is mine, this side is yours, dont think of crossing it!". :confused:

As she was less experienced than me, I thought it was a sign to let things go at her pace. So I never asked for, or suggested sex, or made any moves. So it was once a month, or even less for 10 years. :confused::confused:
 

Holiday

New member
spoken with traditional Drs about chemical castration (for myself - strongly discouraged and if taken long term: permanent as it kills brain receptors which never recoup),

OMG I thought I was the only one... I didn't know they do this for women, too?
 

SweetSensations

New member
A friend pointed me to your thread as your situation is similar to my own
20+ years together, but we've been in different beds/bedrooms for well over 10 years now, my quarterly "bonus" became a yearly thing, and a few years back, I too was "authorized" to seek release elsewhere (DADT which eventually kicked me in the behind as emotions got involved so we stopped)

I must admit I laughed when I read you actually bought a f-ing machine, I tried to get mine to build one with me (as we're both technically inclined, thought I'd get his interest.... he looked at me like I was nuts)
I've been in & out of therapy several times (him saying he would join yet every time we had a session, something came up and he was unable to attend)
We've talked and talked, I've cried a river of tears, begged on bended knee more times than I can count... and yes, I've even felt like a rapist (and told him such, many times)
I too can get him hard easily enough yet he has no interest in finishing
I've taken homeopathic anaphrodisiacs to kill my mojo (useless), spoken with traditional Drs about chemical castration (for myself - strongly discouraged and if taken long term: permanent as it kills brain receptors which never recoup), I've even considered physical castration and even suicide.... yes, sorry, I have... the pain being more than I can take...
Fortunately, I'm a AA member and if I got through that, I know I can get through this
All of the above took place over a 3-5 year period…. Many-many conversations through-out, many promises on his side to see Drs, get his T checked, move mountains if required… but nothing was ever done

Last October, I had a "final" discussion with him - a "shit or get off the pot" talk which I thought sunk in, finally...... but it didn't
A week or so ago, his hugs started feeling very uncomfortable (we always hugged goodnight) and he was upset, so we talked again…
He got very frustrated with me, saying I’m the one pulling back, that it was my fault…. (please note: throughout he’s stated it was my fault, I’m too horny, I am never satisfied, I’m a “pig”)
We then had a conversation which left him speechless several times as I rattled off all the tricks and ploys I’ve used over the years to get his attention, how I felt it was such a miracle, such a blessing, to finally have access to his form in a way which connected us “inside”, of having him finally “with” me, deeply…
Did/has that had any effect? Has he called anyone, done any research, made any move….
Kinda, I got flowers and roast beef dinner the next day (his idea of showing me love), I accepted, gratefully, acknowledging his effort… then next day, another conversation
From his perspective, flowers & dinner makes everything OK again…. But not from mine…
He said he’s feeling rejected, me, in another one of my don’t-piss-me-off-moods as I realize he really doesn’t get it, I told him point blank: Let me know how it feels after 10+ years then you’ll know what it’s like to be in my skin (said calmly while looking straight into his eyes – He looked away in pain)

I don’t want to hurt him…. But neither of us is “living” at this point
We’re living in the same building, work very well together as a team, don’t argue/fight on anything really, all in all a very comfortable lifestyle, no drama, steady-as-she-goes life…..
And while there is still desire within me for him, it’s easier now to quiet that voice as I know with 100% certainty that if I allow closeness of that nature, we’re only going to back to the same place again in a few months

I explained it to him this way:
Years ago, he was a welder, hated the job but had to pay the bills…..
Then he got into IT and loves it
From my perspective, our relationship has gone this path but inverse whereas it was joy, now it’s work/uncomfortable
And yes, now our conversations, all our conversations, are work/filled with tension/unilateral(his way 99% of the time with me assisting, to which I balk and causes additional friction)…..

My hopes for me is that I am able to keep the house (mine legally) with him, and we can live together as family till one of us moves on
Neither of us has someone waiting in the wings (not on my side, and I’m assuming on his either as he does say he loves me and it shows in his eyes)
We started as friends for 2 years before becoming intimate, so I’d like us to remain friends (at a minimum), and, if possible, remain family
His perspective is: all or nothing
Unfortunately his definition of “all” isn’t the same as mine… and he still hasn’t researched anything or spoke with anyone for help/guidance

I have learnt, at best, I control only myself (my actions/responses/perspectives)
That I can influence the area within 10 feet of me (co-workers, project directions, action plans… my energy overall be it positive or negative will “feed” my 10 feet)
And beyond 10 feet, I have no influence (politics, corporate direction, traffic  )
So If I can only control myself, my actions… and from my perspective, I’ve tried everything I could……
And if I only influence with 10 feet of me, and I’ve communicated over an extended period my needs….
The ball is in his court… yet it’s not….
I know the price of getting his attentions, it’s tears, frustration, loneliness, feelings of abandonment…
And it’s my choice if I want to go there (not!)
But I can focus on me… try to use “I” more instead of “we”… he’s noticed, and he’s scared… yet somehow not scared enough to action

As stands, I’m slowly cleaning the house, throwing out the clutter, knowing I’m doing so because the house will eventually be sold (I’m not keeping it alone, not walking/living with his ghost once we part)
He knows this, he isn’t helping but he isn’t stopping me either

My hopes for you is you focus on yourself & your 10 feet
Find as much pleasure you can within that space of 10 feet, no matter where you are or who you are with
And most of all, remember, you are a valuable person just as you are
There is nothing wrong with you, you exist for a purpose, a good purpose, deserve to love & be loved as you understand love
Your definition of self is based on what’s in you, not what’s external, his views/needs/perspective of you or your couple
It’s hard, I know, yet I truly believe I have been given this challenge as so I will grow stronger
As to why I need to be SuperMan emotionally, I don’t know, but that’s OK
Just be careful of negative thinking, of feeling lessor-than because one person isn’t loving you as you need/want/desire
You are beautiful just as you are, many people in your life love you just as you are
Yes, this isn’t easy…..
No, unfortunately, no one has your answer for you….
But there are others, like myself, in similar situations, so you’re not alone
And for me, knowing I’m not alone, knowing I am not some kind of extraterrestrial making unreasonable demands…
It gives me strength, helps me face the day, helps me have those uncomfortable conversations

Sorry for the long post, not sure if it helps you… but knowing you too are going through this kind of mess helps me
So thank you for posting and letting me air out a few things

I was elated that there is someone that mirrors my actions.:cool: Who loves you baby!! I must admit I had to compose myself first! Laughs nervously we are more alike than you think. I will respond to this later. ;)
 

wildflowers

New member
Very well put, MzWiz, and moving. I am glad you've found a way to respond to your situation that feels productive and validating for you.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
In long marriages, sex frequency can wax and wane. Certain things can interfere with one's sex drive: kids, health, losing a job, grief over loss of a parent or beloved sibling, etc.

But a partner who starts off sexual and becomes sexless, and refuses treatment (medical), or psychological, sees their partner horny and won't help in any way, for years on end... That person can be dumped, or offered an ultimatum. Willingly open the marriage so I can have sex/intimacy with others, or I am out of here.

No one should be called a pig for having a sex drive. Having a sex drive, even a strong one, is NORMAL. Some will argue it is a need like a need for water, food and shelter. Certainly it is a strong drive that can make you almost crazy (distracted, extremely irritable, losing confidence in oneself as a person...) if unfulfilled.

Personally, I am polyamorous. I have a gf who can be quite sexually fulfilling, but she does go through asexual periods. Luckily my bf is always horny, hard, touchy feely, so I don't have to walk around distracted and throbbing when my gf sits around naked, cuddles and kisses me, dresses sexy, even tells me I am sexy! but won't follow through.

Good luck asserting your needs and desires! You deserve better. Everyone does.
 
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