sexless marriage

I said ideal, you said utopian, so what's the question again?

I think when my ex and I went poly, it seemed so freeing and right, it became extra heated for us when we had a lover.

And in the past 2 years, the sexiness just seems to flow back and forth when my gf or I get a new lover, or come home from an encounter with a longer term lover. I think it makes us feel newly appreciated by the other person, and so we come home feeling all glowy and looking pretty and radiant and that turns the other one on and so on. Just a big circle of yumminess.

I'd just feel bad if a person's sex drive was all turned toward the OSO, causing less and less interest in and bond with the other partner. I feel strongly that NRE shouldnt override the passion with the primary.

This is my Utopia! :p
 
Thanks to all who've replied with suggestions and shared their experiences. I've read many of the "supposed to" and "should" replies with trepidation however as they don't necessarily apply to myself or my husband. I'm very reassured that there are people out there with a similar situation to ourselves.
To clarify some of the questions/points that have been brought up. I definitely spend more time with my husband, however my boyfriend lives downstairs so I do see him every day as well - even if only for a short time.
My husband and I have always had a sex life that seemed to "ebb and flow" even before we introduced other partners into our lives.
I'm coming to understand that perhaps we are not as sexually compatible as we are with our other partners. We've grown and discovered things about ourselves sexually and been able to find very fulfilling things with our other partners and I think that makes both of us feel very guilty. In all other ways, our relationships works and we do love each other, the life we have together makes us happy. Accepting that things are different and learning to appreciate where we are now, then I think we can look ahead to how we want our relationship to work.
Thanks again to all who shared :)
 
firstly i want to send you hugs and good wishes.

it seems to me that this does happen. my fiance and i recently went through a spell where he and i were not active in that area. like all things there were some things we had to work through. that being said i like the idea of creating a intimate time. intimacy can be defined as non sexual. to me i still would marry Patrick even if we didn't have sex. that said i love sex. Variety is the spice of life. maybe its time for you to grow in different ways. i hate being reminded by the powers that be that sometimes our paths are not what we want but exactly what we need. they say home is where the heart is. the heart can involve many things.

i struggle with the same issues some times. you are not alone.

best wishes and hopes
tanya
 
thanks booklady, all good points that I appreciate hearing in terms of my own life also. Thanks for posting them and thanks for sharing:)
 
Hi,

I am sorry, booklady, if I seemed to be laying "shoulds" on you. Your need for sex with your primary is totally your own business. If you 2 can keep your bond even when your sex is infrequent or absent altogether, and your sex is going only towards other people, that's great.

There is a hormone called oxytocin that is released during sex, which causes a bonding feeling. Personally, I almost always feel more bonded with someone after having sex with them (my primary or one of my other sweeties). But bonding can of course happen from other activities you share as well. Oxytocin can also be released during sharing food, or cuddling. :)
 
No worries Magdyln :) I received much of the validation I was looking for and I've been able to talk with my hubby about how we're feeling. We do agree that we need to spend more time together, just doing stuff as a couple. Alot of the guilt about not feeling sexual towards each other at the moment has lessened and we're much more relaxed about things.
It's kinda going to be like starting over, rediscovering our own relationship. I think "POLY!!" kinda took over for awhile, it seemed everything revolved around that, and while we were communicating better and more often, we were taking our relationship for granted a bit. We've got work to do, but I feel a whole lot better knowing our situation is not as unique as I thought. We aren't alone and it helps alot to know that.
Thank you so much everyone for sharing and offering words of support.
 
It's kinda going to be like starting over, rediscovering our own relationship. I think "POLY!!" kinda took over for awhile, it seemed everything revolved around that, and while we were communicating better and more often, we were taking our relationship for granted a bit.

Kinda like getting some new toys at Christmas and forgetting about the other toys for a while? And then you go back to the old ones and it's all comfy and yet new at the same time, and you're like, "Oh yeah, this is great!" :D
 
No worries Magdyln :) I received much of the validation I was looking for and I've been able to talk with my hubby about how we're feeling. We do agree that we need to spend more time together, just doing stuff as a couple. Alot of the guilt about not feeling sexual towards each other at the moment has lessened and we're much more relaxed about things.
It's kinda going to be like starting over, rediscovering our own relationship. I think "POLY!!" kinda took over for awhile, it seemed everything revolved around that, and while we were communicating better and more often, we were taking our relationship for granted a bit. We've got work to do, but I feel a whole lot better knowing our situation is not as unique as I thought. We aren't alone and it helps alot to know that.
Thank you so much everyone for sharing and offering words of support.

Good deal. Don't forget to stop back in and give us an update. Good luck!! ^_^
 
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