Active member
Not specific to poly relationships, but since this forum is more frank about sex than most, I'm bringing it here.


I mean, obviously I can think of things that I want to DO—I’m not just operating on autopilot or something when I’m having sexytimes with someone. And I'll DO almost anything. And I’m verbose to a fault when it comes to describing literally anything else.

But verbalizing it?

It is like there is this skill that is apparently a useful skill because it keeps coming up, and it seems like it wouldn’t be that hard but it is. Other people can say literally anything to me and my cheeks remain cool like a seasoned whore’s, but the minute I’m the one who has to come up with something to say myself, I blush until my very SCALP begins to burn and try to crawl off my skull.

So. Brain-hack me! How do I learn to sext and talk dirty and stuff without feeling like I want to die of shyness?


New member
I used to be like that. I made myself do it and I'm good with it now. I have moments but for the most part it doesn't bother me. I just had to do it more until I was comfortable with it.
I agree with Emm, at least part of it is just doing it, if it's something that you want to do, despite the discomfort, and it gets easier with time. My dom really, really likes it when I sext him and I originally was incredibly embarrassed by it, by me doing it, I loved it when he did it. For whatever reasons, I was especially embarrassed by using non-anatomical words for penis and vagina (probably related to parenting and wanting my sons to not use derogatory slang for women). Anyway, since it was a big deal for my dom, I worked on it and I'm much more comfortable with sexting now than I used to be. When I was going through the stage of being embarrassed, I made sure that I didn't do it in places where I didn't want to have to explain why I was suddenly embarrassed (like at work or in the same room as my sons). Sorry that I don't have any more specific advice.


Active member
Thank you both. I guess I will have to "just do it," as they say! It's heartening to hear that it gets easier with time and practice! Maybe tomorrow I will take the leap, as I have some free hours in the evening.
Break it down

The "just do it" approach can work. But if you want to break it down a bit, you might want to start with just doing it for yourself.

Start with typing it out somewhere private. Just using the words without speaking them or anyone seeing them or hearing them will help. You need to get used to expressing them. Make sure you aren't thinking about saying any of this to someone or sending it to them. Think of it as typing practice, just with some naughty phrases. :)

Then go to saying them out loud, but by yourself. Going from typing to speaking can be a bit of a shock all by itself. Once you get comfortable with both, though, then you can start expressing it to someone else.

I would suggest that you do get comfortable with both. If your lover really likes it, but you are only comfortable doing this on your phone, it can be a real downer if they ask you do it while in bed.

Be choosey! Don't sext to someone who isn't expecting it or would be turned off by it. You want to sext to someone who really likes it and will give you nothing but positive feedback. This might mean you try it on a close friend who knows what you are doing, rather than a lover. Think about it as asking for advice.

If you have the same problem that I have, then you might not know what to say. There's plenty of examples on the internet. But an advanced method is to look at porn and describe what you are seeing. Once you are comfortable with that, you've pretty much mastered it.

You can turn to your own fantasies about what you want someone to be doing to you or what you want to do to someone else.

Sexting and dirty talk is very hot stuff! It can really amp up your enjoyment. Good luck!


New member
If it was me, I'd write the most erotic fiction scene I possibly could with two people in a room saying dirty things to each other.

And then I'd just steal all the lines. Fake it 'til you make it.


Staff member
is sexting required for something?

LOL, I know, right? My long term gf has always hated sexting... It just doesn't do anything for her. When we were first together, it bothered me some because I liked it in between dates to keep the fires burning. But it did absolutely nothing for her. Of course I didn't WANT her to "fake it til she made it," I wanted her to want it. Just like I wouldn't fuck someone who was only doing it to please me, not because they really wanted to fuck!

So, ta da, I am poly. I have had plenty of other lovers who enjoy sexting in between dates. My gf doesn't need to fulfill every desire I have!

And sex with my gf is just fine without trying to force her to do something that leaves her cold.


Well-known member
For me, writing inventive and sexy tests is a polar opposite experience from verbal, in-person dirty talk. I have a partner with whom I share an extraordinary physical and texting chemistry. We talk in bed and sometimes about what we're doing, but never dirty because it just doesn't come naturally for us and isn't fun. Every person has his/her media and for me, it is writing. That's what stimulates the go-buttons in my sexual brain and meeting someone for whom this also happens often turns into an outer body experience, a sexual charge like nothing I've ever come close to verbally. You don't need to get better at verbalizing if that's not your thing. Just know (or discover) what kind of sexual communication sends you flying and hone in on that.


Active member
Well, it's not that it's REQUIRED. It's that people I am interested in dating are sometimes really into it, and *I* like the jolt I get when they send *me* something, so I'd like to be able to return the favor but something about me is just super, super shy and squirmy about it. I'll try some of the suggestions here and see if they help. It's always nice to add another tool to my sexual toolbox! :)


New member
I wouldn't say anyone HAS to do sexting or dirty talk if they don't want to. They don't personally do anything for me either and it has been a disconnect between me and some partners. But since Reverie wants to but is just embarrassed about it, that's what I meant by fake it 'til you make it.

Just in case someone took that the wrong way.


New member
I have never been interested in sexting. Hubby and I never did that, and most people I have dated never did. But when I was dating my prior BF, wow did we ever!! For some reason the energy was just there for us to do that together. We exchanged sexy photos, had phone and texting sex, skype sex, etc. However, I have no desire to do that with anyone else. It is what it is.

I do think that the ideas about writing some erotica or just "practicing" are good. As Dan Savage says about how to talk dirty...

First, tell them what you WANT to do to them
Then, tell them what you ARE DOING to them
finally, tell them what you JUST DID to them.

The recipe works. :)


New member
I find it so much easier to write than to speak about certain things.

I can carefully craft a message, I can choose words, I can play with language. I can use words that I don't know how to pronounce, and since I grew up reading far more than talking to others, I still have loads of vocab that I can spell, but not say!

But issues with speaking aloud...

1. My voice. I hate it. I think there's a Cher/Darlene (from the show Roseanne), back of the nose/throat thing going on, whatever that quality is, and I HATE IT. I hate the sound of my voice. Every time I hear it recorded I want to stab myself in the throat. So the very idea of trying to "sound sexy" makes me wanna crawl in a hole and pull it in after me. I sound geeky, dry, sarcastic...but not sexy. Never sexy.

2. There are some words, unfortunately many of them "naughty" words, that I despise on a purely phonetical basis. Seems like "p" sounds and short "a" sounds in particular get me, but frankly I can't think of any name for female parts that I like, that sounds sexy. (I hate some words that aren't naughty, too. Like the word, "complimentary." It's the -pl- thing. Pimple. Hate that word, too.) Like I'll pause and try to come up with synonyms, to avoid speaking some of these words aloud. Not even kidding. I hate how they sound.

I try though. I do try. Because I've realized how much I love dirty talk in bed from a couple of the lovers I've had. And sounds. I miss the Worm King so, he used to SHOUT out loud when he finished. It was amazing. Every time, I was like "THAT WAS SO COOL LET'S DO THAT AGAIN!!" lol

So knowing how it made me feel to hear it, I try not to be quiet in bed. I used to be. Not anymore. But I get the shyness. And talking verbally about sex when we're not even in the act, but like face to face? Yeah, that can be super difficult.


New member
I despise sexting (or cybering, or phone sex, or anything of the kind). Which is pretty ironic when you consider that until about two years ago, I made part of my living writing erotic romances--which were published by several different publishers. I had little problem writing sex scenes and sexy dialogue between/amongst my characters, but it didn't even slightly carry over into my real life.

In my own life, I'm way too inhibited, and I have trouble thinking of the right words to use. Last night, I wanted the partner I was with to finger me and couldn't think of how to phrase the request, so I just didn't ask. Speaking is way harder for me than writing anyway, but I don't think I would have had any better luck in trying to write down the request, because it was a vocabulary issue.

As for sexting, cybering, or phone sex...I've never understood why people do it, to be honest. It doesn't do anything for me except make me excruciatingly uncomfortable. My first boyfriend after poly became part of my life was a long-distance relationship, so he wanted to phone sex or sext and got kind of pissy when I refused, but it just plain wasn't something I was willing to do so he dealt with it.

(It also makes me excruciatingly uncomfortable if I'm messaging a guy on OKC or Fet and the conversation takes a sexual turn, and that's usually when I stop answering them.)


Official Greeter
Staff member
I have like zero sexting skills ... and sexting does nothing for me. Having said that, I'm sure practice makes perfect ...
I feel like I need to better explain why I sext for my dom, if it was something that initially made me embarrassed. I wouldn't do it if it was something that I was only doing because my dom liked it, despite the D/s component to our relationship. In fact, I have rarely done it the last few months because I haven't had much of a libido, period, due to the wrist surgery I had in October and the recovery making me physically exhausted and spending the first holiday season as my husband's secondary leaving me emotionally exhausted.

The D/s component does play a part in why I decided to try once I had decided that sexting was not something that was totally off the table. Part of submission, for me (I know it's different from person to person), is a really strong desire to do things that my dom enjoys, because it makes me happy to please him. He had a really messed up childhood, which continues to affect him in a myriad of ways as an adult, and part of wanting to please him is wanting to provide moments that he is happy during. Since sexting him makes that moment enjoyable to him, I'm happy to be able to do that for him. It brings me pleasure knowing how much he enjoys it and how it brightens that day for him.

Another reason I do it is because I do enjoy when he sexts me. I like that he knows just what to say to instantly make me incredibly horny. I enjoy the physical sensations that it awakens in me. Getting over being embarrassed by sexting him and making it interactive builds the physical sensations and just makes the whole thing more enjoyable.

I totally agree that if it's not something you enjoy, if it's something that totally turns you off, it's a bad idea to take one for the team and just fake it. It's never a good idea to do that, no matter what the thing you're faking for your partner is.
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New member
So I said, sexting is relatively easy for me, speaking aloud is relatively difficult, but hearing dirty talk or sounds from my lovers does turn me on. Well sexting, despite it being fairly easy to do, does NOT turn me on. The reason I've enjoyed it a couple of times in the past, is that it was nearly a game for me and it pleased me on an ego level. Like there were a couple of men in my past who had very specific interests and fantasies, and it was fun for me to craft writings FOR them that really wound them up. It didn't really turn me on, but it made me feel clever.

This was generally in the form of emails though. As you guys know, I write long ass posts/messages/etc so "sexting" in the sense of text messages and "what are you wearing" is NOT what I am thinking of here. I don't think I'd even bother with that.

And when guys online that I didn't know well like on OKC used to try and nudge me to talk dirty to them, like they weren't using the dating site to date, but to try and shmooze some wank fodder out of random women...yeah, no, I mocked and messed with those guys. That is not a game I play, at all.


Active member
I like sexting - it's fun! But I don't do it with someone I don't know in person. And sexting by itself is unsatisfying. It works well for me as foreplay and to plan out scenes. I don't enjoy phone or cyber sex - I need in person contact for sex to be real. (Other people are different.) I can masturbate just fine on my own.