sexual dysfunction with new partners

tachycardia

New member
Until two months ago, I had been monogamous with a single partner for eleven years since I was seventeen. We recently opened our marriage up, and I've had four new sexual partners. I have been unable to get and maintain a reasonable erection with any of them. I can with myself or my wife any time. I'm only 28. WTF? Anyone else have this problem?
 
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dingedheart

Well-known member
I'd say your head and heart are not quite into this new idea. Who's idea was it to open up the marriage? Was this 4 first dates/one night stands? Was drinking involved?
How long did these relationships last?
 

islandgy9

Member
Hey Schismist,
If these four experiences were 'first dates'/ solely implied sexual encounters, perhaps you simply need to spend some time getting to know your new friends, or maybe start with one and get to know her.
Opening your relationship goes against our societies and cultural dictations of how relationships 'should' be, I understand you and your wife are in agreement on opening your marriage, but maybe you are the kind of guy that takes his vows to heart so to speak. Perhaps you are influenced by what our society says we should and shouldn't do.
If 'opening' your marriage is what YOU really want, and IF intimacy is even truly wanted... than you may need to establish the relationship first.
Also, maybe just having a close relationship in addition to your wife may be all you need.

The most important thing is openness with communication with your wife. Remember... Deception destroys.
 

tachycardia

New member
LOL. No, dingedheart, that is definitely not the problem (although I did have at least one drink in each case). The non-monogamy idea was mine and I suggested it about six years ago a few months before I asked her to marry me. We've just been doing the baby thing for a while, and beating the subject to a bloody equine pulp before taking the plunge. I'm thrilled :D.

islandgy9 is probably closer to the mark. Two were first dates, two were second dates. The problem did happen twice with one of my dates.

I am looking for a relationship. Sex and emotional intimacy are pretty connected for me. Before these adventures I'd had only three sex partners in my life. I had some performance issues back then, too, but I had always chocked it up to being a teenager. I think it's probably just too much anticipation.

Here's the thing. I'm really smitten with the latest one, and I don't want this to continue to be a problem and make things weird. I was able to satisfy her in other ways, but it's still awkward.

I'm really hoping to hear from someone who had similar problems when he first started.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
well then the problem seems simple ...slow down there shooter. Let the intimacy build. Also, this is right in DR Ruth's or similar experts wheelhouses look it up there. Is Ruth still alive? How about trying one of those supplements (penis pills) to get you over the "hump" :D so to speak.
 

tachycardia

New member
...slow down there shooter.

Are we from a different generation? I met each of them on OKC, wherein they all answered the match questions saying that they expect it would take one to two dates to be sexually intimate with someone they really like.

Also, I spent fifteen hours over a week with the one I'm super into before we went to bed. You really don't think that's enough?

I'm considering asking my doctor for a scrip, but I doubt he'd give me one since I'm fine at home.
 

dingedheart

Well-known member
yes I'm from a different generation or 2, or 3....but you said you need an emotional connection for sex to happen....you said you had performance problems in the past....just going from that.

I think it's plenty....maybe 13 hour too much for me ... but clearly not for you ....I don't know if 15hrs over week or 2 eight hr days????...No frame of reference. I'm not the one with this problem....YET

I'd call the DR and ask ...don't waste the money on the office visit. I don't think they'd care about writing that at your age. Or if you're in there for another matter ask for it worst case says no or wants additional tests. ...ching the bill on ya.
 

nycindie

Active member
Are we from a different generation? I met each of them on OKC, wherein they all answered the match questions saying that they expect it would take one to two dates to be sexually intimate with someone they really like.

Also, I spent fifteen hours over a week with the one I'm super into before we went to bed. You really don't think that's enough?

Well, hey, look, it doesn't matter whether or not the women you want to fuck are willing to do it on the first or second date or not. I have often done that. But the question is what is affecting you and your erections. I think it's fairly safe to say that for anyone who's been mono for 11 years, fucking someone else/new/different is a complete shock to the system, mentally.

Oddly enough, that was about the length of time I was in my monogamous marriage before it ended and my first sexual encounter with someone other than my husband was quite disorienting, even though I craved it, wanted it badly, enjoyed it, and have always been (before I was married) someone who has sex very early on after meeting a guy, often on the first or second date. Obviously, being a woman, I didn't have erections to worry about BUT it felt like my sexual language, my visceral understanding of myself, how I share my body and communicate physically with someone became completely unfamiliar territory. I was letting someone new inside me, someone who didn't have those old familiar qualities and nuances my hubs had. Several times my partner would be thrusting away and I would suddenly be overtaken by sobs, there was so much energy and emotion being released. My case was a little different because my marriage ended and I was still grieving, but it took a long time for me to feel more comfortable with having sex with someone who just simply was not my husband.

I would think the mind plays a part in arousal and how hard you can be. So, you decide to open up your marriage and immediately, or in a short amount of time (a couple of months?), have four lovers yet you say you want to build relationships. Maybe jumping in the sack right away really isn't what works for you, when you have the goal of developing a relationship rather than just getting off. It's not about a generation gap or being modern vs. old-fashioned -- some people just function better sexually if there is some kind of relationship/friendship/connection first. Maybe you do need to slow down and get to know the person first -- just because you decide to have an open marriage doesn't mean you have to run out and start fucking multiple people right away. There isn't anything to prove. It's not a race, so don't pressure yourself to have a bunch of sex partners before you're really ready. Start with one, cultivate getting to know her, spend non-sexual times with her as well, and don't worry about your performance. When you're in bed together, think about connecting with her through sex rather than just the pleasure of the sensations, and take your time. I think all that might help a lot.
 
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tachycardia

New member
Wow, nycindie, thanks for the thoughtful response. That's a moving story.

It's not a race, so don't pressure yourself to have a bunch of sex partners before you're really ready. Start with one, cultivate getting to know her, spend non-sexual times with her as well, and don't worry about your performance. When you're in bed together, think about connecting with her through sex rather than just the pleasure of the sensations

Look, I'm not pressuring myself to get my dick wet. The last time was incredibly enjoyable, and I do feel a palpable connection with this woman. I just focused on pleasing her, and I can do that a lot better without my dick. Afterwards we had amazing snuggles.

I honestly have no problem with the situation other than the awkwardness of her sucking my limp dick. I really think I just need to have one success and then whatever barrier is in my brain will be gone forever.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
I'm with Dinged on this. The more connected you are the more your body will respond likely. At least that is my experience. Also the more times you are with a partner generally increases your level of comfort and level of 'staying power'.
 

redpepper

New member
This sounds very frustrating. Are you sure that maybe a sexual partnership right now is the way to go for you? Maybe its just all too fast for you and you need to slow down and take your time.

Some guys just can't do it, even if the desire is there, because they are still subconsciously stuck in the way they were raised to believe that having a wife and fucking someone else is just not okay. Some get caught up in their NRE over poly and forget that their brains take some time to follow.

I have dated a couple of guys like this in my past. I have decided that if I come across someone like this again then I will patiently decide that its maybe best as a non-sexual relationship for awhile, or always.

I have had a non-sexual relationship. It was satisfying for both of us. We got our needs for sex met elsewhere and were okay with that for a time.

I wish I had an answer that would make the whole issue go away, but really, no one likely will. Its for you to figure out I think. I just hope you aren't perseverating too much or being hard on yourself. Its likely going to be fine with time.
 
Look, I'm not pressuring myself to get my dick wet. The last time was incredibly enjoyable, and I do feel a palpable connection with this woman. I just focused on pleasing her, and I can do that a lot better without my dick. Afterwards we had amazing snuggles.

I honestly have no problem with the situation other than the awkwardness of her sucking my limp dick. I really think I just need to have one success and then whatever barrier is in my brain will be gone forever.

Well it seems an odd contradiction between wanting to build a relationship and referring to this sex you want to use to help build your relationships as not just being about getting your dick wet. If you feel awkward getting your dick sucked when you aren't sure you're going to be able to respond, then snuggle and make out until you are relaxed enough for it to start responding and then go from there. I do suggest following all the sage advice posted before that you take it a bit slower if a relationship is what you want to really be creating.

I don't think at all that having one success will banish what's going on in your brain. Maybe it would for this one relationship, but I think it's pretty likely to occur again in the future if you jump in dick first so to speak. I guess I know why I avoid answering OKC sex based questions, I prefer each relationship take a natural progression that makes sense for the individuals involved. I'd hate for a date to assume we should be fucking/saying I love you/having orgies by date X just because I say that's what I expect in my profile.
 

nycindie

Active member
I guess I know why I avoid answering OKC sex based questions, I prefer each relationship take a natural progression that makes sense for the individuals involved. I'd hate for a date to assume we should be fucking/saying I love you/having orgies by date X just because I say that's what I expect in my profile.

I don't answer most of OKC's sex questions either! Didn't want any assumptions.
 

tachycardia

New member
were raised to believe that having a wife and fucking someone else is just not okay

God no. I'm a heathen, and agree with Sex at Dawn all the way.

This is how I see it.

Step 1: Be mono with one person since you were a teenager.

Step 2: Be anxious dating adult women.

Step 3: Set i = 1.

Step 4: Have erection difficulties on occasion i.

Step 5: Think it's going to happen again on occasion i + 1

Step 6: Set i = i + 1.

Step 7: Go to Step 4.

I came on here hoping to find someone else had a similar story, but none seems forthcoming and y'all seem set on it's being more of an issue than it really is. Great. Thanks!
 
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nycindie

Active member
BTW I wasn't making any assumptions. I just went back today to check their answers when I made that post. I didn't make any decisions based on them.

Oh, don't misunderstand - I wasn't saying you were making assumptions. But that's why I purposely don't answer most of those Q's. It seemed like you were saying, "why tell me to slow down if it's all right with them?" That's different than assuming beforehand that someone will sleep with you based on their answers.
 

nycindie

Active member
I came on here hoping to find someone else had a similar story, but none seems forthcoming and y'all seem set on it's being more of an issue than it really is. Great. Thanks!

Well, you only started this thread yesterday. There are many, many members you haven't heard from yet. Be patient.

What do you think the issue is, since apparently we're off-base so far?
 

tachycardia

New member
What do you think the issue is, since apparently we're off-base so far?

Thank you for asking! I have a pretty negative self-concept regarding my social skills. I'll refrain from going into patient mode and spewing my guts out on here, but let's just say that I find social interaction difficult. I'm actually not worried about sex, but rather flirting and all the subtle stuff. I think the erectile dysfunction is a physical manifestation of that anxiety.
 

dia

New member
I just want to chime in and say that I don't assume your issue has anything to do with somehow mentally not being on board with poly.

When I was single and dating a few years ago, I started having sex with a guy who seemed into me but similarly couldn't seem to maintain an erection. At first we thought it might have to do with not being used to condoms, but eventually we stopped using them, as neither of us was seeing anyone else, and it still didn't fix the problem. He too had recently been in a long term monogamous relationship (8 years).

Anyway, one thing I noticed was that in the morning, I could wake him up with a blowjob or something and maybe the unexpectedness of just getting down to it like that defeated whatever anxiety was going on because... it worked out in the AM :)

So maybe work on ways to avert the anxiety circuit by having sex in more *unexpected* ways?
 
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