Shared my partner, my body rejecting intimacy with him now. Help! Why?

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nautilus

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Shared my partner with another woman, my body rejecting intimacy with him now. Help! Why?

After watching him have sex with someone else, something has changed. He keeps reminding me how much he loves me, but my body is not catching up with that fact and it ends up rejecting him. Our sex is not what it used to be because I can't open up and feel comfortable letting go anymore. Feeling very self conscious and self judgmental. Need your advice, guys. Thanks:)
 
Hi Nautilus and welcome

Firstly there really aren't enough details here to give the best advice but I'll take a stab.

It sounds to me as if your body is doing what you mind cannot. For most of us dealing with poly seems to be a very emotional and mental thing. How much emotional and mental processing have you done? If the answer is not much, then there is your answer. You need to.

Respect what your body it is telling you that you need to do: open up your head and your heart.

It could take years before a person is ready to be confronted with their partner having sex with someone else in front of them. You could very well be in shock.

Your feelings are valid, don't be afraid to look at them, even if they are poly negative. If you don't feel safe sharing your feelings with your partner, try them out here first.
 
I agree with Sage -- your feelings are valid & ok to have. Now you need to work through the "why" you're having them. I told my partner that right here, right now, I don't think I'm ready to watch him make love to another woman. We've discussed 3somes & I said yes, but the other woman needs to be someone he doesn't love -- that sex is one thing but making love is different. He understands that & is respecting my feelings.
Then the compersion comes in -- I get that & know his making love to other women (like his wife) doesn't change his love for me, but I'm just not ready to actually watch it...and don't know if I ever will be!
 
nautilus said:
Shared my partner with another woman, my body rejecting intimacy with him now. Help! Why?

After watching him have sex with someone else, something has changed. He keeps reminding me how much he loves me, but my body is not catching up with that fact and it ends up rejecting him. Our sex is not what it used to be because I can't open up and feel comfortable letting go anymore. Feeling very self conscious and self judgmental. Need your advice, guys. Thanks:)
Click to expand...

How long have you been struggling with these feelings? Have you and your partner talked about it much?
 
We have spoken, he is so patient and wonderful about talking about it. I think you were right sage, in saying that I may be in shock. It was quite jarring seeing their intimacy together apart from me, but his reassurance that I could never be replaced is helpful. Any breathing exercises or practices that calm the mind when the jealousy crisis hits would be so helpful.
 
One of the interesting things about polyamory versus standard monogamy is that there is no "stealing" someone away. In standard monogamy, if your SO met someone "better" you may have to worry about losing them.

But in polyamory, there is no need to steal. The only reason for them to leave you is if you two are no longer working out. It is independent of any other relationship.

There are always caveats and disclaimers, but I tend to see this as a general rule for me.
 
nautilus said:
We have spoken, he is so patient and wonderful about talking about it. I think you were right sage, in saying that I may be in shock. It was quite jarring seeing their intimacy together apart from me, but his reassurance that I could never be replaced is helpful. Any breathing exercises or practices that calm the mind when the jealousy crisis hits would be so helpful.
Click to expand...

I've always found the traditional "In through the nose, out through the mouth, repeat..." to help in any situation. When I see my husband with one of his girlfriends I tend to think about how beautiful they look together. (I'm an artist with a bad habit of not knocking on the bedroom door ;P) Still, with about 30% of my work done in the home, it's a bit breath-taking to go from numbers & schedules to "OMG THERE'S SEX ON MY BED!!!" when I open my door...
You may very well BE in shock. You both may have thought what you wanted is what you were ready for and if you were wrong, no one's at fault. If you already have dialog with your s/o you are doing well, keep that open. If your lover is as understanding as you say then give him a chance to help you.
Communication is the key!!! Don't leave him in the dark about anything if he's supportive! Supportive people are sensitive and he'll sense you holding back but not know why... we ALL know where THAT leads.
 
sage said:
It could take years before a person is ready to be confronted with their partner having sex with someone else in front of them. You could very well be in shock.

Your feelings are valid, don't be afraid to look at them, even if they are poly negative.
Click to expand...

While I agree with the first sentence sage, in that she could be in shock... I find that there is a tone of "you aren't poly unless you can pull off watching your partner do someone else" in the rest of what you say. Especially in the second sentence where you say that her feelings are poly negative.

How is having a negative reaction to watching your partner have sex with another "poly negative?" What is "poly negative" anyway? Actually, don't answer that as I think it might be threadworthy. How is having strong feelings of this nature "negative" in anyway?

I see no reason why you need to be watching your partner have sex with others. If it didn't jive with you, then don't do it. Chalk this one up to experience and move on.

I personally am completely uninterested in watching any of my partners have sex with others. I have been in threesomes with my husband, PN, and our boyfriend where I have watched and didn't mind that, but I don't want to see him with a woman again. I don't want to watch Derby with her husband or anyone else and I don't want to watch Mono with anyone either... well he would be a whole other ball game of stuff really.

I'm sorry this has caused you duress. I can relate entirely and don't see anything wrong with how you feel. I am getting anxious just thinking about the times I have watched PN at swingers events. I have a cold sweat now. Yup, I get it...

It's not jealousy to me, in my experience, its complete horror. I think because I know how sacred an act he sees sex now and how bonding it is for him and I. Both of us are not into casual sex and we learned this from experiences such as yours. It paralyzed me for a time and yes, I think that was shock. It also did him in his own way also and now we just don't do those things any more. The feelings subsided and have gone, unless triggered like your post did. We are better for having gone there, but are really glad to have figured that all out and have moved on.

Perhaps there was something that happened around this event that caused this reaction? Perhaps there is a message that your body is sending you as to your nature and how you feel about sex? Perhaps you felt obliged in some way to watch or allow the situation to occur when you would normally of spoken up?

There could be many reasons to talk about with your partner.... I think you should explore every single one, even if you think that they might not agree or appreciate what you say. It sounds like it's very important to get to the bottom of what is going on for you before moving forward to more "open" adventures.
 
EEEEEk RP you have got me completely wrong here. I was trying not to put any prejudice on voyeurism if that's what you're into. Remember there was very little back ground given in the original post.

"poly negative" feelings: I thought the fact that she was having a physical rather than emotional response might be because she felt that she had been included, and her partner was reassuring that she didn't feel able to share any negatives that she was feeling about the whole thing.

In no way do I think that watching intimate sexual acts is necessary, wonderful or everyone's cup of tea.
Hope that clarifies.
 
sage said:
EEEEEk RP you have got me completely wrong here. I was trying not to put any prejudice on voyeurism if that's what you're into. Remember there was very little back ground given in the original post.

"poly negative" feelings: I thought the fact that she was having a physical rather than emotional response might be because she felt that she had been included, and her partner was reassuring that she didn't feel able to share any negatives that she was feeling about the whole thing.

In no way do I think that watching intimate sexual acts is necessary, wonderful or everyone's cup of tea.
Hope that clarifies.
Click to expand...

yes, thank you, it does :)

It made me think though and I thank you for that too... so much so that I started a thread about it. http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=41313#post41313
 
nautilus said:
Shared my partner with another woman, my body rejecting intimacy with him now. Help! Why?

:)
Click to expand...

I figured I'd chime in on here as I have also experienced this shutting down of my body with Redpepper especially early in our relationship; I can create it almost at will as sad as that might sound.

The difference for me is it is not the actual "seeing her" with someone else but imagining her with someone else. I believe the affects are similar so I'll share my thoughts.

This comes down to two words for me; Connection and Energy.
My thought is that the shock of seeing your partner with another has damaged your connection. It's that connection that enables the flow of energy between you and your husband to be healthy and free flowing. That stream of energy includes friendship emotions, romantic love emotions and a desire to share yourself sexually.

I've found, through experience, that my ability to have sex with a person I love is dependant on much higher criteria than sex with a complete stranger. There is an expectation beyond physical rewards when having sex with some one I love. To me it is a spiritual connection where energy transfer is the true pleasure and driving motivation. When I don't feel that free flowing energy I know there is something wrong; that I am disconnected and I feel as though I don't deserve to sexually express affection to her because I am not feeling that kind of love for her in that moment.

I found having causual sex with some one I don't love to be very difficult....having sex with someone I love but am not connected to is virtually impossible...I'm impotent in those moments.

My energy ends up being contained within myself almost like the image of a completely full glass of water that rises above the rim. To release that flow you have to break the surface tension. This is what me and Redpepper have had to do in the past but it really requires me to open up and tell her what I am feeling. Sometimes I just get her to put her hand over my chest and I visualize the flow of energy slowly trickling into her hand as I breath.

I'm not sure any of this helps and it is definitely based on how I work so it might not have a drop of relevance. Regardless, I hope you are doing better and can start enjoying your partner completely again.
 
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