Shh...we're huntin, unicorns

Arghhh....I just want to pull the covers over my head and hide in bed all day. I hate school! I'm not going again today and no body can make me!

It's been three months now since my husband left to go work in another state. We are not a polyamorous couple, yet. But his absence is driving me insane and even though poly seemed like something I'd naturally fall into later on in our marriage...consciously and subconsciously I've decided I want it now! I'm still in the middle of NRE with my husband, I think I'll call him Julio :). We've been married for just barely two years, and its been an exciting and wonderful two years. I feel like I'm still just getting to know him and building communication and intimacy. So I am a little perplexed at why on earth I'm in such a hurry to complicate things with a third. Well, I'm not really perplexed, the situation is self-explanatory. He's gone for months at a time and we have no standing arrangement for experiences with others. Isn't this the kinda thing that gets soo many people in trouble with cheating?

Anyway, I can't wait for him to come home! It could be any day now and I'm just on the edge of my seat with anticipation!
He called this morning and we got to cyber chat, sometimes you just need a little love in the morning to get the day started! I have a feeling we are going to reach a new level of intimacy when he gets home. Opening up about polyamory has improved communication in the bedroom already.

And the great news is he got laid off this morning! My day couldn't be better! Oh so excited to see him again! He has to travel still but he could be here as early as tomorrow morning.

It will be interesting to see how having him back will affect my obsession with finding a unicorn. In the past when we've had the threesome talk, I've had a tendency to completely dropped the whole notion in less then a week from disinterest. Which to me is an obvious sign that I wasn't ready yet.
In all this obsessing about finding a unicorn I've created a couple of online accounts, and *sheepishly* even tried craigslist. For the most part its seemed pretty worthless. Although I have made contact with a polyamorous couple that is here locally. We are discussing plans to meet for drinks this weekend. With Julio not being completely into poly, I'm not sure how that will pan out. In emails the g/f says any arrangement is comfortable for her, we'll see.

I've also encouraged Julio to work his angle, the last couple of days he's tried flirting more when he's out at the bar. But he's been getting a little discouraged, it's not as easy as he remembers it once being. He also initiated contact with an acquaintance of mine who is up for poly. We may get together with her Saturday night for some drinks as well.
*a little rambling with my thoughts*

So I was graciously pointed in the direction of tonight, and what I found was a huge wealth of information! As I was reading through some introductory thoughts on polyamory, it dawned on me that so much of this has to do with personally and socially constructed beliefs. And I wanted to ramble on this for a little while. In my self-help junkie library I've recently added a new titled called "I am" and in it the author specifically singles out this patterned behavior of 'beliefs' that we create around us and limit our lives to.

He offers the example of a battered wife, who has a belief that leaving the relationship will leave her lonely, hurt and afraid. And by living with that belief she actually creates a situation in which she is lonely, hurt and afraid. Basically he goes on to establish that we have all of these beliefs that we have created on our own or through assimilation and thus allow these beliefs to control our lives.

Personally, I love to challenge beliefs, but now, Julio does not. He was raised in the South and his father is a preacher. Almost immediately I came across this challenge. One situation I remember, I had invited him to a party some of my burner friends were throwing. At these parties I had a tendency to disrobe. I tried to be polite and warn him before this happened, and it scared him. I was respectful and refrained from ditching my clothes and we talked for a while about it. His beliefs came up, one being that the body is sacred and the second being that girls that disrobed at a party in the south were looking for trouble. I candidly expressed to him that he may not be with the right girl, and politely excused my self from the conversation. Stripped down to my itty bitty panties and did a full pole dance routine on the spinning stripper pole at the party(I used to teach pole dance fitness and I was often invited to perform there) You see I was a stripper when we met, I am currently employed as a stripper and most likely will remain a stripper for some amount of time. So asking me to keep my clothes on is a little silly. Later on we talked about the situation and he admitted that the atmosphere was so different then he had expected. The whole experience was artistic and he said he even thought there was respect for me in the room.

Which leads me back to my point, I want to be loving and respectful of these deep rooted beliefs that my husband has. But at the same time I want to challenge him to open his eyes and heart to a world of possibilities out there. I just wonder if some of these beliefs are movable?

To be clear the quote that got me thinking was
If your lover goes out to a restaurant, do you think "My God, what if the restaurant food is better than mine?" Do you agonize over whether your cooking may seem substandard by comparison?
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Arg...I just want to rant on and on. Must be my hormones again.

Sometimes it just helps getting stuff out. I don't blog and my dh hates the 'I want to talk about my feelings' convo's. Sometimes I think I want poly so bad because I miss emotionally unloading on a close lover/friend.

Well our first weekend hunting was prosperous, Julio had dropped a hint to a girlfriend of mine that he'd (and I quote) 'rather have her to himself Saturday night...wink' as a clear signal to invite her home with us. It back fired, I don't know how. She almost didn't show up to the bar on Saturday, and then when she did she had two strangers in tow, one she immediately announced, she had just had sex with. Julio and I completely ruled out any fun with her after that comment. But then she started working her own angle. She asked me if we were gonna party at our house, I answered with, 'you and your guy friend are invited' and she said, 'Oh, him, he's leaving' like she wanted to get rid of him and come home with us. The rest of the night she dropped sexual suggestion and kept on about leaving with us. My best friend, Ellen (lesbian) pulled me aside and said the girl had called her earlier in the week and freaked out about Julio's comment, she made Ellen promise to be there the whole night. By the time we got back to our house this girl had managed to bring a whole slew of people back with her. It was weird. I told Julio, that I thought she was acting really unstable and sending too many mixed signals. I said no matter what I don't want to consider opening our relationship up to her any longer.

But while this was all going on, Julio managed to connect with another girlfriend of mine who was out that night with us, I'll call her Haylee. She is absolutely gorgeous, in her mid thirties and really level headed. He just put it out on the table that he and I were interested in taking her home and she jumped all over the idea. When the conversation was over (they talked privately about it for a good half hour) she said, "So should I be waiting for a phone call to set this up" he said we don't know exactly and just let it happen naturally, so she said she would pull me aside and talk to me about it the next time her and I were together. I'll keep you up dated on how things progress....

In other news, I'm still in contact with a local poly couple we met online, but the more we talk the more I realize scheduling will be the biggest obstacle. Right now I think Julio and I are just going to focus on getting our feet wet. There is a whole big poly world out there and I think it might be too overwhelming to jump in head first. After we have our first threesome, I'd like to just step back and have a good idea of how we feel before going further. I'm in no rush here, a unicorn is a big personal and emotional investment!

whew...I'm starting to feel better already, school has me so stressed right now. Taking a break and updating this post is helping me calm down. Thanks for listening.
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Well I'm happy to report that we definitely have a unicorn in the cross hairs. Haylee is almost more excited about us than we are about her. In conversations between her and I, as well as Julio and her, she has clearly outlined what she wants and needs out of a relationship and it lines up with everything Julio and I had discussed before talking to her.

I'm just pleasantly surprised! Her long term hopes and dreams are exactly the same crazy ones Julio and I have. Everything is set up to work out like a real life fantasy. Now if we can only settle into our places and not mess this up!

We got together last night for drinks, and she played us like little school kids and she was our first crush. It was incredible. She immediately struck up a deep emotional conversation with me about her day and then asked politely if she has my permission to kiss Julio before the night is over. I absolutely agreed. The way the night worked out, I didn't get to spend more then a few minutes with her and Julio the whole night. And they hit it off, dancing around the bar together (even though there is no dance floor) and even completely disappearing together at times. And it never mattered that I wasn't a part of what they were doing. I just enjoyed watching. Then towards the end of the night she pulled me aside privately and started kissing me. The only way the night could have gone better is if she hadn't left us to go home. (she had to get home to her son, we all agreed that making time for each other is going to be the biggest challenge right now)

Julio and I had a great time when we got home, telling each other about the night and the dreaming about the future. :)
I'm beginning to remember now why I disliked dating so much...The past couple of weeks we have only spoken to Haylee in person at the bar. I haven't asked for any personal contact information. But I realized that I have her number in my phone for other reasons. So this morning I shot her a quick text and said we had a great time with her last night. Then a couple hours later, her and I had to go to a meeting at work. I only got a couple of hours of sleep ;) and was super tired at the meeting. She walked up and asked what I was doing, I told her I was hiding, and she inquired about the papers in front of me, 'Calculus homework' I said. She looked a little intimidated and walked away. I gave her a hug and a kiss on the cheek after the meeting was over, as well as my other gf who was talking to her and then I just left. I wasn't in the mood for any kinda socializing. And I don't want to broadcast to the world that her and I are getting close. Then I sent another quick text asking her a random question. I haven't received a reply to either.

Of course, I'm bugged? Am I supposed to wait three days to call and talk? Up until now I haven't put any effort into developing a relationship, and the first contact I make is ignored. It could be as simple as she is working or too tired. But starting a new relationship is confusing to me? puh.

****edit****update: As soon as I post this, she responded to my question, a half a day later? Ha ha.
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I've come to realize that I'm not much good at updating when things are rockin'. Things have gone awesome so far. In a quick update, we hit the in-laws for the holidays and bumped into an old friend who was up for the unicorn invite, only thing is she's lookin more like a cowgirl from a distance. We didn't seal the deal because of family obligations and I'm kinda glad. Next time we're in that state I'll approach with more caution. Julio and I talked about her when we got home and he said she pulled him aside and spilled her guts about how he's always been "The One." She really appeals to both of us and it was flattering to have some attention. But...

In other news, the story with Haylee hasn't progressed much, I've learned real fast not to expect any kind of response. She will only return text between the hours of 8:30pm-10pm so any text before that time automatically goes unanswered. Trying to date a beautiful girl is very intimidating! I'm constantly asking myself, "what do I say, how do I act?" Sometimes I even feel like I should have the inside scoop on this, being a girl and all. But it doesn't really help. The only thing I could come up with was to back off. And that's scary because she just might loose interest...right? I did get a random text one night that basically said, "Having so much fun at karaoke tonight, wish you were here with me." It was completely out of no where and nice to get the reassurance that we're in her thoughts. I've sent a couple of text like that back randomly, "thinking about you makes me smile" and stuff. She said she appreciated it. It's clear that the biggest hurdle right now is initiating an actual meet up. And in another text I made a straight forward comment that I hope the actual experience will compare to what I've dreamt up. She immediately shot back a text saying she is concerned about that too. Oh well, at least I know we are still on the same page.
For now I think the three of us have silently agreed to let it rest for a bit. Even though we work together it could be two weeks before I bump into her again...

like I said at the start of this post, I can't update as well when things are rockin'. I feel completely consumed by doubt and fear right now...nothing at all to do with love. I just found out that I scored 55% on my calc test I was so diligently studying for. It's killing me! I can't even begin to describe the ways that it's messing with my head. Something along the lines of three, long hard years, invested into my education and if I don't pull a B out of this class my whole goal/direction is slipping away. I hate math! I can't sleep, I can't relax, I'm so overwhelmed by the idea...
I have always been pretty good at reaching out and embracing life's little twists and turns. Change is a creative energy that I thrive on. I am deep in the middle of a huge personal change, it is expressed in some way toward engaging in a more open and loving life style (poly.) But there is a pain accompanying this change and it has been felt the most in school and societal boundaries.

Lets for the sake of keeping this post short just say that I am experiencing some major growing pains right now. Day in and day out I have felt expanded through this growth in a positive way. And Dually I have been more and more reliant on consumption of drugs and alcohol to comfort this change. However, I have come to a question that I can't find the right answer to.

Is too much school HOLDING ME back from being the person that I want and desire to be?


Is too much school FORCING ME to let go and become the person that I want and desire to be?

I've always found the most difficult and painful times come when you hold on to a 'perceived' comfort and deny the truth. I don't deny that things are changing, but there is this fear that I may wake up one day in corporate America and say, 'How the F*** did I get here?' or I may wake up one day on a couch and say 'How did I screw up so bad when I was so close?'
There are 6 and a half billion people in the world and you expect me to only love you? No wonder there is so much violence and pain. Well go get a cage and lock me up and when you do I will make sure your life is miserable too!
There are 6 and a half billion people in the world and you expect me to only love you? No wonder there is so much violence and pain. Well go get a cage and lock me up and when you do I will make sure your life is miserable too!

What's up DS? You sound trapped by something. Hope you are doing ok :eek:
Thanks Mono,

I love your supportive comments that I've read in other posts. You are a priceless asset to this forum. I think my comment was a mix of alcohol and feeling the need to yell out to the world how silly I think the idea of monogamy sounds, nothing personal.

On to a completely random situation that really hit me today. My 9 year old son has decided that I am having an affair. He first mentioned it about a month ago, but now that he hasn't quit the idea it seems like I might need to sit him down and really address the situation directly with him. Of course I am not having any sexual relations with anyone aside from my husband (yet). But recently a mutual friend moved into our spare bedroom, he is twice my age and became friends with my husband first. Oddly enough his wife left him because she was fraught with anger and jealousy and accused him of an affair with me. Now my child is making accusatory comments regarding it too. Unless my son has phoned this man's ex-wife there has been no obvious reference to explicit behavior mentioned in his presence. And in my son's words, its the way we look at each other. I'm completely ambushed by my son's concern, there is no doubt in my mind that this friend has inappropriate thoughts about me, but my 9 year old can see it as clear as day. (I'll call our roommate James) More importantly, James has never touched me inappropriately or made suggestive comments. The two concerns I'm having are, what is my son worried about? And when Julio and I do bring another person into our relationship will my son be the first to notice?

In other news, I have decided my growing pains with school are self-inflicted and I just need to back off and take everything one day at a time. Once I do that, I won't be so traumatized by perceived issues about what I should or shouldn't do. Finals are next week and until then all I can do is prepare.
My work Christmas party is coming up soon and Haylee will be there. It's going to present a rare opportunity to spend time with her again, as Julio brought up tonight. Julio and I are arguing about it though, not in the context of seeing Halyee, but he and I already discussed going to a big party the night prior and he initially refused to consider two nights of partying in a row (the work party being a waste of his time.) Now he is upset about it even though he said in the first place that he didn't want to go.

I was too busy with homework to really discuss it with him tonight before bedtime, but I'm not interested in choosing one or the other. Even if we stay up all night and get trashed at the first party, I still have to wake up in the afternoon and go to work immediately prior to the second party(so I'll be at work no matter what.) This is a completely irrational idea in his mind, and he's starting to become upset that I don't understand his point of view and I think the idea that I only RSVP'd for one to my Christmas party is bothering him. We'll see.

And...we drew names for Christmas gift exchange for this work party and I got Haylee's name! I can't believe out of everybody I would get her! It's only a $25 limit and I feel pressured to find something incredible, :rolleyes: I'm nervous about the fact that I don't really know her well enough to shine on this one...

Our interaction has been incredibly limited since the last time we hung out in the bar. Just a casual text here and there. Seeing her at the work party will be difficult because of pressure to appear 'normal' in front of peers. It is also on a Sunday night, so extra curricular activities would be difficult to accommodate around our respective families and obligations.
My 9 year old son has decided that I am having an affair . . . in my son's words, its the way we look at each other.
Not knowing the situation, it sounds like your son might possibly be mimicking something an adult said in his presence. Is there anyone who has seen your friend move in, been around the two of you, and who might have made a comment within earshot of your son? Some people don't realize how much kids can absorb. Just a thought.
Wow...big day yesterday. Julio got a job in another state and had to leave first thing this morning. No warning he's just gone :confused: It's great news that he has a job, but it was completely unexpected. We had buckled down and were prepared to sit out the rest of the winter with him unemployed (his line of work typically picks back up in the spring). And to top it off he is irreplaceable at home. He gets bored from not working and channels all his energy toward home projects, deep cleaning and everyday chores. To me, having him home is worth so much more then any size check. We've tried different things to make it work out so this doesn't happen, I quit school and traveled with him, and he's tried quitting and finding a local job. We've resigned to the fact that this is just how it has to be for now.

I went to my calculus teacher yesterday to talk to him about my grades. He wouldn't budge, he said no extra credit or curving, end of story. But he did say that I sit just a couple points off my minimum grade of a B. So I may pass the class after all. I really need to put every spare moment of the next 5 days toward studying for my final exam. That's going to be harder now that Julio is gone. Why couldn't he just wait 5 days to leave?

The good news is I have James (our friend) and his son Jimmy living with me now. Jimmy is officially moving in and will be paying rent. Between the two of them I have built in house sitters for holidays and weekends. I like to call my kids Number One and Number Two, so to clarify Number Two is the one making accusations. He's upset that Julio is gone and his comment this morning at breakfast is, 'Why didn't James leave?' (in a demanding tone.)

NyCindie- I think your on to something. We live in a tight knit religious community and lately Number Two has been really developing a close relationship with the neighbor boy his age, they tend to gossip about school stuff when they are together. And although I feel the relationship is positive one for Number Two, it could be generating discriminating behavior. It makes a lot of sense that his parents and others in the community may be gossiping about an affair, and it could have just trickled down to this neighbor boy. I don't always pay attention to what my situation looks like from the outside. ;) Lol, even though we are not part of this religion, Number Two has joined it last year and with pressure from his new friend he has pushed to start going again. I agreed to take him to church on Sunday, I may have to drop some hints with the ladies about my affair!:eek: ha ha, people have too much time on there hands.
Originally Posted by DaylightStirring
I only RSVP'd for one to my Christmas party

I find it kinda funny how the problem with the Christmas party resolved itself, now that Julio is gone...I guess I'm still going to be the only one going!

Which brings up another point, its going to be hard to move things along with Haylee now. I will still try to mingle with her at the Christmas party. I asked Julio to text her and let her know he's gone, she responded back, "I heard, Ellen told me last night." Julio said he just didn't really know what to say back to that, I agreed that it has been hard initiating communication with her. I'm also seriously talking to Julio about a career change (for me), if that happens (probably in the next two weeks) I may not ever see Haylee...

But...there is another girl I haven't found the time to mention yet. She doesn't really come up too often, Julio met her while he was still working on the last job and it was unclear that we would ever bump into her again. More interestingly, her story fits really well into a dream I had before he came home. I'll call her Dawn. He started a conversation with her today over text and then called me to tell me about it. The conversation was along the lines that she asked if he was going to stop back in and visit her. He clarified that he is no where near the town she lives in, but now that he has a job he can afford a girlfriend and a wife. And she seemed receptive, but made the comment that she ended her last relationship because she never got to see the guy. :rolleyes: (why do girls always find ways to complicate things. Why not just say what they mean to say?)
So up until now nothing seemed to be happening with her, this is exciting news. I hope I get to meet her soon. Julio said she is coming to my town in two months and he already offered her a place to stay while she is visiting.
So I finally got my first unsolicited text from Haylee last night. This is literally the first time she has reached out and tried to connect with me. I feel that it is an important step because the relationship has felt really one sided between her and I. In the text she said,

"How is the studying coming? Thanks for the shift last night, I needed it"

I had just walked into work when she sent it and never found time to respond. I was late getting there and I just have so much on my mind I'm not sure what to do. Like I said before, I'm not sure we will be able to do much with the relationship now that Julio is gone.

My boss and I are supposed to sit down and go over my schedule tomorrow. I'm really beginning to feel like I need to tell her that I don't want to be scheduled. But I can't put my finger on exactly what I want to do. I work 6 hours a week, so its not like the job takes over my life. The feeling I'm having is that I am ready to move on. To leave that life behind and get a 'real' job. Julio says that won't happen, even if I walk out the door with every intention of quitting; eventually I'll miss it and come running back. So maybe I should work on getting a new job and just drag this one out, til it just dies on its own. But that sounds so sad, I want to just put it down now and walk away happy. :(
My boss and I are supposed to sit down and go over my schedule tomorrow. I'm really beginning to feel like I need to tell her that I don't want to be scheduled. But I can't put my finger on exactly what I want to do. I work 6 hours a week, so its not like the job takes over my life. The feeling I'm having is that I am ready to move on. To leave that life behind and get a 'real' job. Julio says that won't happen, even if I walk out the door with every intention of quitting; eventually I'll miss it and come running back. So maybe I should work on getting a new job and just drag this one out, til it just dies on its own. But that sounds so sad, I want to just put it down now and walk away happy. :(

ummmm 6 hours a week is not even considered part time. You could easily manage another "job" and work this job to. If you will miss that job, that implies you like it or something about it, why leave?
If you will miss that job, that implies you like it or something about it, why leave?

I know, I know...right? Why leave? I am an exotic dancer. I fell into it accidentally 5 years ago. I promised myself two things, I would only do it as long as I was happy and as long as I was going to school. Well school was only supposed to take four years to complete....but that hasn't happened. Julio and I both agreed that I would quit last year, but he couldn't find work and his unemployment ran out. It was all on me to support us, I had to dance all year. Now the opportunity has presented itself for me to leave once and for all. There comes a time in a stripper's life where getting up to dance is no longer just an action that one performs; it becomes a life style that defines you. I have reached the point where my stripper alias and my personal life are so completely intermingled that I no longer know where she ends and I begin. Drugs, drama, self-centered, egotistic and diva are some thoughts that come to mind. I want to leave and I'm ready to leave, but so much centers around my life in the bar. I've become addicted to the attention. Right now, I'm ignoring my bosses phone calls. She wants to schedule me for the next month and I've got to call her, and when I do I've got to have an answer in my mind. I hope I can come up with something soon. The time is now because my license expires before the scheduled month is up. Its an annual license that cost right around $300. Only time will really tell how this turns out.

I had a great weekend! Julio was able to get Sunday off, and he came home unexpectedly last night and surprised me! This job is really close by, unlike the last one, and it only takes two hours for him to get here. It's too far for him to come home every night and he is supposed to work 7 days a week, but some how he got today off. Just three days apart felt like forever! When he got here we went and picked Ellen up and they all came to work with me last night and we had a great time talking and drinking. Then when I got home from church today we cuddled together on the couch and caught up on Dexter for the rest of the day. He left at 6pm to head back to his evil job. :( The holidays start next week so it won't be long before I get to see him again.

On a funny note, James is out on a date with my ex-step-mom, I call her Grandma Jewels! :) Its weird to think of my friend/roommate and my step-mom doing it...Grandma Jewels was married to my Daddy for most of my childhood. She has been a close companion in my life, sometimes closer then my parents. Well a lot of times, she has been way closer and more supportive when they were no where to be found. I called her when my whole life fell apart. I lost my apartment, my car got impounded and my boyfriend left me for another chic and I had multiple warrants for delinquent tickets in excess of two grand. She bought me a car ($500)and drove me to court for each and every ticket. She was there when my children were born, holding my hand. And she walked me down the isle when Julio and I got married, because nobody else would. And whats more funny about them going out is my Dad's name is James (ok, not really, I made the name James up, but they have the same first name in real life!) It's not too odd that they are going out, they are both the same age and practically grew up in the same town. I only call her Grandma Jewels because that's what my kids call her. She thinks its hilarious to tell people she is a grandma (she was 14 when I was born, and I was 16 when Number One was born, and he's 10 now so you do the math) And last weekend James took his cousin out on a date and then did her, but that's for another time and place to tell!