Shh...we're huntin, unicorns

So maybe I should work on getting a new job and just drag this one out, til it just dies on its own. But that sounds so sad, I want to just put it down now and walk away happy. :(
I have left lots of jobs, and it always feels better when you leave for a better opportunity, rather than because it was killing you. If you move toward something instead of running away from something, it's usually quite empowering.

I knew someone that was a stripper and she had to fight really hard to protect her self-esteem, not because of anything in her but because of the environment, the kinds of men that were drawn to her, and some of the insecurities and craziness or sleaziness of her co-workers. Not to mention the drugs. As for myself, I've never been a stripper, but I worked in bars, clubs, and restaurants for many years and so I know how insidious that lifestyle and atmosphere is; it creeps into so many areas of your life and you don't realize it until you are not in it anymore. Bar culture is very addicting, but there are so many wounded people hanging in places like that to indulge themselves and try to obliterate their pain. It can be very toxic after a while, both psychologically and physically. I worked in those environments for about thirteen years, and I still can't regulate my sleep patterns, even though I've not bartended for over ten years.

If you need the money, why not be on the schedule until your license is due for renewal, and look for something new in the meantime? It seems to me that paying for the license while you're feeling the need to leave would then obligate you to keep doing something your heart is not into anymore, and would not honor who you are and your intuition about what you need. Very best to you as you make your choice . . .
I'm really starting to reach out and enjoy the ability to air my thoughts on this forum. When something comes up I think to myself, 'I just need to go put it down in words.' I've always been a writer. I have pages and pages and pages of thoughts, streaming consciousness and journals from years and years of writing. It soothes my soul and enables me to release these thoughts positively through the process of writing. And for some reason I am in dire need of soothing right now. There is nothing extra-ordinary about my day to day existence...but I'm riding high in the middle of a strong surf, my life is changing in every aspect. And it's an emotional storm inside of me everyday.

@nycindie- you echoed my thoughts perfectly, sometimes it's hard to articulate the essence of what you know to be true. I FEEL the need to escape my job, the creeping is so slow and comfortable that I can't describe it. It is toxic; I really believe to a point, that I have operated in a safe and enjoyable bubble all these years, keeping the job separate from my life. That just isn't sustainable anymore.

Luckily, I don't need the financial security right now. Julio can more than support us with his income. AND... I did call my boss back today, it was a difficult moment. I blubbered a little and said I'm sorry a couple of times. Her response was strong and comforting, "We are sad to see you go, but I respect your choice to stop dancing" She herself was a dancer for many years and had to go through the same choice. The compromise I made with myself was to finish out the schedule (like you suggested nycindie) but I work far less than normal. The entire month will basically consist of 12 hours. This will give me a cushion to prepare for the departure. A huge chapter of my life is closing and the sound of the squeaky door hinges as it slowly swings shut is nerve wracking. I set my last day for Saturday, January 15th. It will be the last shift of the night and an appropriate grand finale. I'm hesitant to broadcast this as a ending, in the chance I have to come running back(as all dancer's I've known ALWAYS do.) But by making the choice to broadcast this as my last dance I will be effectively setting my mind to the task that this is the END.

Either way, this commitment has wrecked my day. And to top it off, today is my last day to prepare for my overwhelmingly insecure attempt to gain a fantastic grade on my calculus final, which is first thing in the morning. I can't describe the influence this day has had over my life. As soon as I walked in the front door, a huge despair fell over me. Both James and Jimmy, stared at me with deep concern and made multiple comments on my inconsolable state. I crawled into bed and spent some time just resting from the emotional strain before I went back to the books. Its soo nice to not be completely alone at this point. Julio has been less than understanding, only because of the distance, he has a hard time being so far away and alone himself, the detachment makes understanding my impediment a secondary concern to him. I can't imagine how I would work my way through this if I was in total isolation.

"Tonight I lay my head down but the pressure never stops,
knowing that my sanity content when I'm droped.
But tomorrow I see change, a chance to build a new,
build on spirit intent of heart and ideas based on truth.
Tomorrow I wake with second wind and strong because of pride.
I know I fought with all my heart to keep the dream alive."
-Tupac Shakur
...peeking back in on the forum. Its late and I wanted to kill sometime by reading some posts and finally updating. I fell off the map there for a while. Basically things went spinning out of control for a bit and it has been so hard to gather up my own thoughts, I didn't want to waste any energy trying to share any of my chaos and confusion here, so I took a break.

I guess when I last left off I was struggling massively with my school work and wrapped up in a decision to retire from my career of the last five years. The whole thing just came to a huge climax in January and the last few months I've just been trying to iron it all out and re-adjust.

In a quick re-cap:
I was able to pass my calculus class with a B- but I realized that my future in that degree field would continue to be fraught with struggles and unhappiness...I decided all in one day to set aside my business degree and find a completely new direction. Which equivocated to basically sticking my finger out blindly choosing what ever it touched as my future goal. ;)So I am now studying Anthropology.
Directly after announcing my plans to retire, I found it nearly impossible to make it to my scheduled shifts at work. I showed up an hour late to one shift and then just skipped the next one altogether. Subconsciously I had checked I called my boss and told her it would be a waste of her time and mine to try and make it through the rest of my shifts and I retired right then and there.
The double whammy of career change both present and future was apparently too much for me. I started acting out and feeling weird about all kinds of things. I could see myself behaving in ways that are completely out of character for me. It took a while to find any sort of pattern in my behavior but I began to notice a deep thread of insecurity behind everything I was saying and doing. Through all of this, I was lashing out at Julio, both in fear and desperation. So I told him it was time to put the brakes on any attempt at poly for now, or at least had my head on straight. He has been my rock through all of this, he is patient and even tries to be understanding. But when I try to describe how I'm feeling, he says I sound 'crazy' :D so we don't talk about it too much. I'm in no hurry to decide where I stand on unicorn hunting right now, it seems safe to just set it aside and not think about it at all.
Things have still been moving along with Haylee though, I hardly ever see her now that we don't work together. But we found a moment one night to talk and she opened up some deep feelings to me, and I to her. We talked for hours about the worries and struggles we were facing and our future dreams. So much of what she said was like a mirror to what I was feeling, when I would begin to tell her a story, she would jump in and finish the ending. Its hard to explain but the whole night we were on the same page about everything. All of our experiences and thoughts ran together...she would describe how she missed surfing and I would jump right in with my passions about riding motorcycles. When I described what it meant to me she would stop and finish my thought with what surfing meant (in the same way to her) "The quiet still of the moment..."she told me, "waiting for a set"
"The deep respect you feel knowing how fragile you are" I said to her....
ah hell, if I'm back why not take this opportunity to go on and on about myself. You are my captive audience...and a few multiple posts in a row won't even come close to making up for the time that has lapsed.

It just occurred to me, what it is that appeals to me most when I write on this forum (aside from the fact that this is my only forum.) I just noticed that right after I post something, I go back and re-read it no less than six times. And while I'm re-reading it, I slowly process each thing that I wrote, going over the details and the intentions in my mind, but I try to do it from someone else's perspective. Its like I imagine I'm you for a moment and I just stumble across the post, then from another perspective I begin to ask my self interrogative questions.

'Did you really just say that you aren't interested in polyamory right now and then in the next line start a conversation about a prospective polyamorious relationship?' I query

'Well, if you were paying attention you would notice that in no way did I refer to Haylee as a prospective relationship, I merely relayed the joy of our growing friendship' I respond to myself with a defense tone.

'So which is it? Is Haylee friend or prospective companion? And does she know what you think of her?' I attempt another probe from someone else's perspective.

'neither...I guess I don't know how I feel.' then thoughtfully I decide...I should know how I feel about her.

By imagining someone else reading these thoughts I begin to see from a fresh new (imaginary) perspective of exactly what I may be thinking or feeling at the time. Especially if I haven't taken the time to describe some of these important things to myself. Your readership almost becomes a causal by product of my ranting...because, in reality, how many people actually reading this post acknowledge themselves with a response? I'd wager that its around 5%.
So I'm going to come back one more time to say what I think really needs to be said. And in the process I'm going to ask myself..where do I stand with polyamory?

Some important points to note are that polyamory has been:

~an internally driven feeling
~affected positive growth, both in personal ways and through sexual expression
~I felt more trust and more love through the act of embracing poly

(disclaimer) and while I feel it allowed me to address my deep personal beliefs about infinite love; its appearance also directly proceeded alleged intentionally destructive behavior...meaning I changed some huge pieces of my life around haphazardly at precisely the same time I chose to pounce on polyamory.

Now for story telling time.
Poly has never been a question in my mind...well it's never been a defined term either. But I've always known that love doesn't come and go like the seasons. It doesn't materialize and then accidentally de-materialize at our beck and call. I turn now to the story of my first love, I was young, self- destructive and actively seeking out physical companionship to accommodate deep insecurities when I happened upon David. At the time, I was specifically seeking to acquire a boy...but this one had fallen just outside of my radar. He was taken and not particularly remarkable and I had no interest in him initially, he on the other hand was after me. I didn't see it coming at all, but somehow it felt destined. I recall the haunting sound of an old song floating threw my head the night we met, one by the Dixie Cups. I was 16 going on 17, and he was pretty cute, the relationship proceeded as any normal high school thing would until we wed 6 months later, that was quickly followed by the birth of our son in a few short months and then another son just 12 months and 6 days after that. I fell in love. Then we broke up. He meant so much too me, I spent the next two years carefully building an unbreakable friendship between us. We tell each other everything, like two best friends would.
I spent the next five years after that in serial right after the other I rolled through a string of bad relationships. Then I one day I stopped and said to myself, 'this will never work.' After that I consciously spent the next year avoiding monogamy, it was fulfilling. I had a found a different relationship for each different need. There was A. for long talks and deep passion, R. for spontaneous great sex, B. for platonic and dependable support, and my first girlfriend, K. But it still felt like something was missing. Enter Julio I told K. from the moment I laid eyes on him that he was the one. I quickly disposed of my other people, including K., for the promise of a truly fulfilling mono relationship. Its hard to repeat out loud, but sometimes I wonder...where did the long talks and deep passion go? what happened to spontaneous sex? and is there platonic, dependable support when Julio is never home? I know with out a doubt, that I've gained so much more from this relationship then I've given up, I have found companionship in him like none before, a my life is full of adventure and moments of pure bliss, he quiets my deepest fears in away I've never felt before and everyday I'm filled with a desire to be the better than I was the day before.
I'm not looking for two Julios, just the freedom to love and share on multiple levels.

(dammit I don't want to post this now, but here it goes)
ta da

YES! Today was an awesome day! Big and little changes came together in an important way, and I can feel for once that things are on the move again. I hate being stuck in one place, it feels so belittling.

Julio is so, so, close to being laid off soon (i.e. he is finally coming home!) And I have a big exciting trip to Central America coming up next month for an academic studies abroad program through the University. Which will fulfill multiple issues simultaneously,
>namely, I need a break from school!
>Secondly, I thrive on adventure. Which has been lacking lately.
>And, hopefully, I can see first hand what the hell Anthropologists do with their spare time.

Also, Julio casually showed me another profile hit on my internet dating site today and for the first time in a looong time I actually felt interested in the idea of a prospect. After jumping in to the 'idea' of poly so enthusiastically, it was a little disheartening to then lose interest also so enthusiastically.

Rather, the last week or so has really brought a focus back on my desires and beliefs that surround poly. What I've found in my academic studies is a natural and often ignored preference for multiple social relationships. What I've experienced, since leaving my job, is a complete lack of any and all social relationships. Including but not limited to: the ongoing separation from my husband, James and Jimmy simply departed one day to the far side of this country, and even my close friend Ellen has been too wrapped up in her own dramas to share time with me. Not too mention the loss of coworkers and customers who also filled some companionship roles when I voluntarily quit my job. So I believe somewhere in a deep philosophical way that I am merely representing a movement away from random association, back too peaceful reciprocation through meaningful relationships.