I have a question regarding my responsibilities to my metamour.
Tl;dr of the situation: There is a scheduling conflict about alone time. Idealist doesn't seem really willing to promis Meta an evening during the weak to be hers alone. He cares for time with me, though sometimes other things intervene and alone time is missing too. They have problems in their relationship.
The whole current situation: We had kind of a scheduling conflict last week. Me and Idealist now have Monday to attend a course (which ends late) and possibly overnight, and I had also seen Idealist both Wednesday and Thursday, but only for a rather short time, and in public places, (like a lecture which Meta attended as well). This ment Meta hasn't had him for an evening just to her own that week, but it also ment our alone time was somewhat missing from the equation. I asked Idealist if he could make some time for it as well in the next two days, and he totally wanted to come over for two hours, but Meta regarded Friday as completely her own (due to her schedule that week), and there was something else on Saturday. So there was a conflict. I find her standpoint very understandable, but her way of putting it really gets on my nerves. I am usually shielded from conflict, because we don't meet much (I hold that as a boundary), and the communication goes through Idealist, but this time it took place after the lecture.
After that, I asked Idealist to finally set and confirm an evening which would be hers. He said he asked and she wanted Friday and a part of the Wednesday. I wondered about Friday evening, because that's nonsense to ask for regularly, a lot of stuff tends to interact. I also asked about Thursday, and he said it would be somewhat depending on situation.
I immediately saw the same conflict as last week coming up regularly, and I wrote him a fairly long email explaining and stating I prefer somewhat of a 2/2 evenings time split (instead of some weird half-evening), if that is possible in any way, and that I really cared to have a significant amount of time together on Thursday or Friday.
The outcome was, that he again came to my usual social event on Wednesday for a part of the evening. I think he even disregarded Meta's wish (or agreement?) on when to come home. Of course we both asked for Thursday, she tried to put her foot down and said she would have him no matter what. I finished work a little earlier, so we rushed to play. She said she would come at quarter to nine, and really, a few min earlier she was there (she usually doesn't come on time). When she entered, we were not really done with aftercare. We asked her to wait, I did my best to end and get dressed quickly, yet when we went over to her, I still had a lot of Idealists attention. I am able to gently remind him that he should care for Meta now, but I am not able to reject being with him if he just keeps to it. She had kind of a breakdown
I asked about the scheduling agreement between them, and of course she didn't ask for Friday evening, she asked for Friday morning and one of the evenings during the week.
I hope they made up today.
I think big issue here is in their relationship, and I cannot really fix that. He just isn't that keen to have intimate time with her as he is with me. They have some ongoing conflicts going on which makes this more difficult as well. Their relationship has real up's and down's. She is not that good in communicating her needs early enough or clearly enough, but it is crystal clear to me now, what she is asking for. They are both rather disorganised and bad with keeping time agreements, though Idealist seems to be much better with me then with her.
The question:I do think he is sometimes neglecting her for me, especially if they are in conflict, which sucks. I am really conflicted about the etics here. I do ask time from him even if I suspect it might be a problem for her. On one hand I feel somewhat guilty. On the other hand, I learned during the first year of the relationship not to be involved in their conflict. I learned to watch my own demands and let her's to be her thing. I am not there to watch for her, neither can I fix their relationship. I tried a few times to restrict myself, tell him no if I knew she wanted that day or whatever, and more often than not this ended in them not really meeting anyway.
I tend to compartmentalize the relationships as much as possible, but of course this gets through. What is my responsibility? Am I to do anything about this? Am I to remind him of his time agreements? Am I to watch the amount of time we are together, to care if she gets that evening for herself, or is it solely his (and hers) responsibility to plan for it?
Please focus on the topic of my responsibility in this situation.
I have written in other threads, and I got a lot of "you should leave him" for different reasons. I don't want to repeat the same here. I will put this puzzle piece into the picture myself
Thank you very much for all your input.
Tl;dr of the situation: There is a scheduling conflict about alone time. Idealist doesn't seem really willing to promis Meta an evening during the weak to be hers alone. He cares for time with me, though sometimes other things intervene and alone time is missing too. They have problems in their relationship.
The whole current situation: We had kind of a scheduling conflict last week. Me and Idealist now have Monday to attend a course (which ends late) and possibly overnight, and I had also seen Idealist both Wednesday and Thursday, but only for a rather short time, and in public places, (like a lecture which Meta attended as well). This ment Meta hasn't had him for an evening just to her own that week, but it also ment our alone time was somewhat missing from the equation. I asked Idealist if he could make some time for it as well in the next two days, and he totally wanted to come over for two hours, but Meta regarded Friday as completely her own (due to her schedule that week), and there was something else on Saturday. So there was a conflict. I find her standpoint very understandable, but her way of putting it really gets on my nerves. I am usually shielded from conflict, because we don't meet much (I hold that as a boundary), and the communication goes through Idealist, but this time it took place after the lecture.
After that, I asked Idealist to finally set and confirm an evening which would be hers. He said he asked and she wanted Friday and a part of the Wednesday. I wondered about Friday evening, because that's nonsense to ask for regularly, a lot of stuff tends to interact. I also asked about Thursday, and he said it would be somewhat depending on situation.
I immediately saw the same conflict as last week coming up regularly, and I wrote him a fairly long email explaining and stating I prefer somewhat of a 2/2 evenings time split (instead of some weird half-evening), if that is possible in any way, and that I really cared to have a significant amount of time together on Thursday or Friday.
The outcome was, that he again came to my usual social event on Wednesday for a part of the evening. I think he even disregarded Meta's wish (or agreement?) on when to come home. Of course we both asked for Thursday, she tried to put her foot down and said she would have him no matter what. I finished work a little earlier, so we rushed to play. She said she would come at quarter to nine, and really, a few min earlier she was there (she usually doesn't come on time). When she entered, we were not really done with aftercare. We asked her to wait, I did my best to end and get dressed quickly, yet when we went over to her, I still had a lot of Idealists attention. I am able to gently remind him that he should care for Meta now, but I am not able to reject being with him if he just keeps to it. She had kind of a breakdown
I asked about the scheduling agreement between them, and of course she didn't ask for Friday evening, she asked for Friday morning and one of the evenings during the week.
I hope they made up today.
I think big issue here is in their relationship, and I cannot really fix that. He just isn't that keen to have intimate time with her as he is with me. They have some ongoing conflicts going on which makes this more difficult as well. Their relationship has real up's and down's. She is not that good in communicating her needs early enough or clearly enough, but it is crystal clear to me now, what she is asking for. They are both rather disorganised and bad with keeping time agreements, though Idealist seems to be much better with me then with her.
The question:I do think he is sometimes neglecting her for me, especially if they are in conflict, which sucks. I am really conflicted about the etics here. I do ask time from him even if I suspect it might be a problem for her. On one hand I feel somewhat guilty. On the other hand, I learned during the first year of the relationship not to be involved in their conflict. I learned to watch my own demands and let her's to be her thing. I am not there to watch for her, neither can I fix their relationship. I tried a few times to restrict myself, tell him no if I knew she wanted that day or whatever, and more often than not this ended in them not really meeting anyway.
I tend to compartmentalize the relationships as much as possible, but of course this gets through. What is my responsibility? Am I to do anything about this? Am I to remind him of his time agreements? Am I to watch the amount of time we are together, to care if she gets that evening for herself, or is it solely his (and hers) responsibility to plan for it?
Please focus on the topic of my responsibility in this situation.
I have written in other threads, and I got a lot of "you should leave him" for different reasons. I don't want to repeat the same here. I will put this puzzle piece into the picture myself
Thank you very much for all your input.