Should I just wait out NRE phase?

[lionheart]

Hi all, I'm new here, but not new to being poly. We're facing some challenges and I wanted some feedback on whether my approach is a good one.

My husband of 8 years has had secondary partners for most of our relationship. We've had ups and down navigating things, but generally it's been fine, and there's been a real hierarchy where I was undoubtedly his primary relationship.

A few months ago, things changed for him, because he's fallen in love with his girlfriend. He suddenly feels very conflicted. He spends most of his free time with her, and he's stopped being intimate with me (I think she's not into being poly). He loves me, and he feels really guilty for not being a better partner to me, but not guilty enough to change anything. I have definitely moved to secondary status, although I don't think he'd admit that.

The thing is, I don't feel too concerned. From my perspective, things aren't too different from when he's had other girlfriends. We're still getting along and enjoying each other's company.

The way I see it, this is a precarious time because he's so deep in NRE and limerance. If I try to demand things, or force an ultimatum, it's unlikely to end well for me. I think the best thing for my marriage is to just wait this out. I told him as much. He asked if I wouldn't be happier if we broke up. And I said no, our marriage is important to me, I love him, and I want to stay married. I'm not bothered by other people, I'm only interested in the relationship between the 2 of us. I told him that if he knows for sure that he doesn't want to remain married to me, then ok, I trust him that he knows best and that our relationship has run its course. But for as long as he loves me, and feels unsure about what to do, I want to stay and wait.

I feel good about my decision, and totally accepting of whatever happens next. Obviously the best-case scenario for me is that things settle down and we find a way for both relationships to coexist. If that doesn't happen, and he is forced to choose and chooses her, I'm ok with that, knowing that not all relationships are meant to last forever. But I want to know I did my best to make it work.

So, what do you think? Am I right in my assessment of the situation? Or is my marriage over and I just don't see it yet? Is there anything else I should be doing or saying?

Thanks for your advice.

 

[SEASONEDpolyAgain]

I feel like someone who asked me wouldn't I prefer to just break up has one foot out of the door already

 

[Tinwen]

Why did he stop being intimate with you? He lost interest?

 

[LaminarFlow]

My husband of 8 years has had secondary partners for most of our relationship. We've had ups and down navigating things, but generally it's been fine, and there's been a real hierarchy where I was undoubtedly his primary relationship.

By choice or circumstance? Meaning, other people he dated were more casual of nature?

A few months ago, things changed for him, because he's fallen in love with his girlfriend. He suddenly feels very conflicted. He spends most of his free time with her, and he's stopped being intimate with me (I think she's not into being poly).

Is husband's girlfriend mono and trying to "cowgirl" him?

He loves me, and he feels really guilty for not being a better partner to me, but not guilty enough to change anything. I have definitely moved to secondary status, although I don't think he'd admit that.

If you don't like how things are going, bring up going to therapy together and work on it together, and see how he reacts.

The thing is, I don't feel too concerned. From my perspective, things aren't too different from when he's had other girlfriends. We're still getting along and enjoying each other's company.

If someone is asking for an exit, it's definitely not the same.

The way I see it, this is a precarious time because he's so deep in NRE and limerance. If I try to demand things, or force an ultimatum, it's unlikely to end well for me. I think the best thing for my marriage is to just wait this out. I told him as much. He asked wouldn't I be happier if we broke up?

Why did he ask you that? Does he want to be mono with his new GF?

 

[kdt26417]

Hello lionheart,

You can wait out the NRE phase if you want, you just have to keep in mind that it could take a couple of years. Are you concerned about the fact that he's stopped being intimate with you? If you are, you could express that concern to him. At the least he could explain himself.

Kudos on being very gracious about this,
Kevin T.

 

[Magdlyn]

A few months ago, things changed for him, because he's fallen in love with his girlfriend. He suddenly feels very conflicted. He spends most of his free time with her, and he's stopped being intimate with me, (I think she's not into being poly.) He loves me, and he feels really guilty for not being a better partner to me, but not guilty enough to change anything. I have definitely moved to secondary status, although I don't think he'd admit that.

When you say he's stopped being intimate with you, you mean he won't have sex with you, of any kind? Do you share a bed still? Does he spend nights with you? How many days a week does he spend with you? Can't you ask for more time with him? Has he actually told you his gf gets too jealous if/when he has sex with you?

I think it's a red flag if/when a partner suddenly stops having sex with their primary when they take up with someone new. I feel this isn't fair. I know it happens though. And sometimes sex between primaries increases when one of them is in NRE, as a kind of spillover.

As Laminar said, is he being tempted to break up with you to spend more time/all the time with the new gf? That happened to one of our members, MeeraReed, this year. Her long-term poly bf broke up with her (they didn't live together), moved his new gf into his house, talked about marrying her, all in the NRE phase. And then they broke up. Meanwhile, Meera moved on and found someone who appreciates her.

 

[GalaGirl]

I'm sorry this is happening like this.

A few months ago, things changed for him, because he's fallen in love with his girlfriend. He suddenly feels very conflicted. He spends most of his free time with her, and he's stopped being intimate with me, (I think she's not into being poly.) He loves me, and he feels really guilty for not being a better partner to me, but not guilty enough to change anything. I have definitely moved to secondary status, although I don't think he'd admit that.

You mean he's stopped sharing sex? And stopped spending time with you/dating you? He knows he's behaving like a poor partner to you but isn't doing anything to change that?

I feel good about my decision. And totally accepting of whatever happens next. Obviously the best case scenario for me is that things settle down and we find a way for both relationships to coexist. If that doesn't happen, and he is forced to choose and chooses her, I'm ok with that, knowing that not all relationships are meant to last forever. But I want to know I did my best to make it work.

But what about him? Will he also be doing his best to make it work?

So, what do you think? Am I right in my assessment of the situation? Or is my marriage over and I just don't see it yet? Is there anything else I should be doing or saying?

You are the one there. YOU get to choose how to handle this.

I'm not sure this is how I would handle it.

He asked if I wouldn't be happier if we broke up. I said no, our marriage is important to me, I love him, and I want to stay married. I'm not bothered by other people, I'm only interested in the relationship between the 2 of us.

Did you ask HIM if he'd prefer breaking up? Did you ask if he is hesitating because he prefers you to be the "breaker upper" rather than him? Is that why he's checking out? It's not just the NRE... he's kinda hoping you will take the "hint" and break up with him?

I think, in your shoes, if I chose to wait 6-24 months of NRE out, I'd also ask him to read "poly hell" together and learn how to reduce the effect of those things.

kathylabriola.com - ARE YOU IN POLY HELL?

COMMON PITFALLS IN OPEN RELATIONSHIPS Many people who are in a primary relationship stumble into an outside relationship either by choice or by chance, and once involved, things can go beautifully or can go terribly awry. Here are some of the most common problems that develop and some ideas for

www.kathylabriola.com

I'd also ask for poly couples counseling, with some sessions for each as individuals.

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

Polyamory-Friendly Professionals Directory

www.polyfriendly.org

There is such thing as being "too nice" and "too accommodating."

It might also be part of the stages of anticipatory grief -- like shock/denial or the bargaining stage. I cannot tell from your writing what you are actually going through emotionally. I think talking to a counselor would help you to discern.

I don't know if this helps you to assess where you are at:

Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Feeling unhappy in or unsure about your relationship? Having problems you don’t know how to work through, or don’t even know if you should? We’ll talk you through making these choices, including how-to’s on conflict resolution and doing breakups better.

www.scarleteen.com

Internet folks might help you with 1 or 2 simple things, but you sound like you have a lot of layers going on there.

Galagirl

 

[lionheart]

Thank you everyone, your perspective helps a lot and given me lots to think about.
To answer some questions:
- Yes, I think he's tempted to break up and go mono with his girlfriend. From the little he has said, I think she would prefer that. I don't think he lost interest in sex, I think he just feels more loyal to her.
- At the same time, he texts me, loves me, misses me (he's away for work right now, so I haven't seen him for a few weeks).

I know he's feeling very confused about what he wants for his life. I think there is a part of him that does think life would be easier if I broke up with him. But I can also see that he also doesn't want to break up. He's not being intimate with me, but he still checks on me, shows me that he cares about me.

I would love to feel secure enough to express my needs, and to ask for more from him, but I'm worried that while he's so swept up in his new relationship, if I push him I'll lose him.

 

[Tinwen]

Thank you everyone, your perspective helps a lot and given me lots to think about.
To answer some questions:
- Yes, I think he's tempted to break up and go mono with his girlfriend. From the little he has said, I think she would prefer that. I don't think he lost interest in sex, I think he just feels more loyal to her.
- At the same time, he texts me, loves me, misses me (he's away for work right now, so I haven't seen him for a few weeks).

I know he's feeling very confused about what he wants for his life. I think there is a part of him that does think life would be easier if I broke up with him. But I can also see that he also doesn't want to break up. He's not being intimate with me, but he still checks on me, shows me that he cares about me.

I would love to feel secure enough to express my needs, and to ask for more from him, but I'm worried that while he's so swept up in his new relationship, if I push him I'll lose him.

In that case, I think you definitely should take the "risk" of expressing your needs.

The relationship dynamics is shifting. It's not just NRE right now, it is, at the same time, laying the foundation for a possible poly future. Especially if she's mono inclined, she needs to feel that dating a poly partner does meen accomodating their metamours needs sometimes. More importantly, HE needs to learn to act like the poly hinge.

What does it even mean he's loyal to her? How is it poly to stop sharing sex with you because of a newer partners' wish?

By not complaining, what signal are you giving? That you will always step back and accommodate every whim of the newer couple? Sure, it's easy to keep you if you don't want anything for yourself, but what will happen once you decide there has been enough waiting and start advocating for yourself? What if the relationship breaks then, after all the self-denial? What if you never step up... how yucky does that future feel?

You don't need to push and argue, but you do need to be clear about what's happening.

Look at it this way: Your partner didn't ask you to put your needs on hold for them. If you're making a sacrifice "for the relationship"... shouldn't they at least know you are making one? Would they want you to do it? It's quite possible you are breaking their consent by withholding information about what you really feel, need and want.

 

[lionheart]

In that case, I think you definitely should take the "risk" of expressing your needs.

The relationship dynamics is shifting. It's not just NRE right now, it is, at the same time, laying the foundation for a possible poly future. Especially if she's mono inclined, she needs to feel that dating a poly partner does meen accomodating their metamours needs sometimes. More importantly, HE needs to learn to act like the poly hinge.

What does it even mean he's loyal to her? How is it poly to stop sharing sex with you because of a newer partners' wish?

By not complaining, what signal are you giving? That you will always step back and accommodate every whim of the newer couple? Sure, it's easy to keep you if you don't want anything for yourself, but what will happen once you decide there has been enough waiting and start advocating for yourself? What if the relationship breaks then, after all the self-denial? What if you never step up... how yucky does that future feel?

You don't need to push and argue, but you do need to be clear about what's happening.

Look at it this way: Your partner didn't ask you to put your needs on hold for them. If you're making a sacrifice "for the relationship"... shouldn't they at least know you are making one? Would they want you to do it? It's quite possible you are breaking their consent by withholding information about what you really feel, need and want.

You make some good points. Thank you. I need to think about the best way to go about it, but I see what you mean...

 

[LaminarFlow]

- Yes, I think he's tempted to break up and go mono with his girlfriend. From the little he has said, I think she would prefer that. I don't think he lost interest in sex, I think he just feels more loyal to her.

Tempted doesn't mean he wants to. There is another possibility that he might be bumping you into "secondary" position with a soft landing by making remarks of a "breaking up" comment and making you feel displaced. Do NOT let that pass you by, if you do not want that.

- At the same time, he texts me, loves me, misses me (he's away for work right now, so I haven't seen him for a few weeks).

Have you asked to discuss things when he comes back?

I know he's feeling very confused about what he wants for his life. I think there is a part of him that does think life would be easier if I broke up with him. But I can also see that he also doesn't want to break up. He's not being intimate with me, but he still checks on me, shows me that he cares about me.

See how? Show how? Is he being there for you in other ways?

I would love to feel secure enough to express my needs, and to ask for more from him, but I'm worried that while he's so swept up in his new relationship, if I push him I'll lose him.

Husband can work on the relationship with you, while he is having a girlfriend. You have already given a lot. Make your wants and needs clear.