Should I speak about it?

K

Kraven

New member
I've been researching polyamory for about 6 months or so now and I've come across a few people in and out of the lifestyle. There are some bad apples and some good ones, great people and fishy people. I've spoken to a few individuals who say their relationships started out monoamorous and transformed into polyamorous ones. Of course, I've also spoken to people who have been in a poly relationship from day one.

My question is: is it better to just find someone you like, date them monoamorously, and then suggest polyamory in the future, after security has been structured in the relationship, even though you know being in a long-term monoamorous relationship is something you just can't imagine yourself doing?

or

Do you start the journey looking for polyamorously-minded people and not date monoamorous individuals? I mean, like just coming out there, being upfront and saying, "Hey, I'm polyamorous, and it isn't going to be any other way. Take it or leave it"? Of course, I wouldn't be rude about it, but I'm just saying!

I ask this because I meet a lot of wonderful women, and I really want to date them, but some of them are just so seriously and stubbornly against polyamory, when I finally do tell them about it. I've had people stop talking to me all because I even brought up the fact that I was polyamorous at all!

HELP! WHAT DO I DO? Any advice, world?
 
At this point in my life, any potential partner would be polyamorously-identified and preferably poly-experienced.

I've reached a sort of BTDT place with those who have never heard the word before and really am not inclined to go there again.

Though I never say never...

The bottom line is, the polyamorous dating pool is most definitely smaller than the monoamorous one. However, the fish are much more suitable to your palate. 🐟
 
I know couples who started out monoamorous and then went polyamorous, and couples who started out poly and are currently mono. But it's best to be honest about what you want when you're first discussing possibilities.

At this point in my life, mono really isn't an ethical option for me, so I'm upfront about that. Theoretically, if I had no ongoing emotional entanglements, and was going to just start completely fresh in a new relationship, then I would have more flexibility, and might just hold off on bringing up mono/poly until it came up naturally in conversation, at which point I'd be honest about my history and my attitudes, but wouldn't automatically rule out the possibility of monoamory. I consider myself polyflexible, able to be mono or poly, depending on the circumstances.

I don't know anyone who tried playing like they were interested in mono when they really wanted polyamory, and then sprung it on their SO once the relationship was solid. But I can think of a few people I suspect secretly wanted mono going into a relationship with someone who was not mono and had no real interest in being so.
 
Kraven said:
Is it better to just find someone you like, mono-date them, and then suggest poly in the future, after security has been structured in the relationship (even though you know being in a long-term mono relationship is something you just can't imagine yourself doing)?
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Think about this: don't you feel that would be a bit misleading and disrespectful?

I'm not saying you have to ignore large numbers of people because they appear to have only a mono background/understanding. The reality is, the vast majority of the population falls into that bucket at this point in time. But it's a topic that has to come out very early in your explorations of each other. Exposing the option to the unaware is a valuable public service, in my mind.

or

Kraven; said:
I'm poly and it isn't going to be any other way. Take it or leave it.
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My instinct is that you can't honestly make that claim, yet. Not that I couldn't be wrong, mind you. I do believe you have to find this out, both through study and practice.

Polyamory is not automatically for everyone, and a lot of people get easily seduced in the beginning because of what appear to be obvious benefits (which there can be). But it's also a lot of work, for yourself, and for everyone else. Failure to do that work results in just as much (or more) sadness and damage control as it would in any other model of relationship.

There's no substitute for experience. So, once you have some basic education under your belt, I'd suggest opening to an opportunity to test the waters, if the option presents itself, but acknowledging to everyone on day one that you are new at this, and to expect some stumbles along the way. Because there will be. It's literally impossible to totally prepare ourselves for the myriad of things that can come up. Asking around and reading will quickly expose all of the major ones, but be prepared for the little subtle ones to sneak up on you, too. :)

Good luck,
GS
 
If possible, you should have an affair with someone already in a relationship without the knowledge of the other partner. That way, you will not only be providing a "valuable public service" to two people for the price of one, but you will also be "helping" someone else's relationship to "move forward into poly". As long as everyone's "needs are met", it is ok to be deceptive and lie by omission.

Good Luck. :rolleyes:
 
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Haha :) YGirl, yer funny.

I tend to think it's best to treat others as you want to be treated. I want my partners to be honest and open with me and share everything in their lives so that we may be closer. If I don't tell them I am poly, or any other interesting fact about myself, then I feel less close to them and unable to have a deep meaningful relationship with them. That is just a waste of my time, at this point.

I have a monoamorous boyfriend, Mono. I chose him for his character. I wouldn't decide to not be with someone because they were not polyamorous. Actually, poly folk come with a whole gamut of stuff that I don't have to deal with because I am with Mono. Just as my husband Polynerdist comes with a whole gamut of stuff that I don't have to deal with because he is poly. To me, it's the person, and the person only, that makes me decide if they are a fit for me and worth my time.

I sense the frustration in your post, Kraven. It is frustrating trying to find a person that fits with us and us with them. But being frustrated won't help. Perhaps being a bit more patient and letting yourself shine through when you meet women with the intent of just seeing what happens would work better. At least if something happens, then it will from a place of honesty and good communication. A good poly relationship is based on that anyway, as I think we have established.
 
First of all, BE HONEST! I know you want to hurry up and find someone, then flip it into some sort of poly BAIT AND SWITCH. But would you like someone to tell you, "Hey yeah, I want poly," only to find that they want you in a mono relationship, and then do everything they can to try to flip you to their side?

Honesty in the first place is the best. But you have to be aware, there are women who are looking to do to you what you're considering doing to them, and in my opinion, it's BS.

The lying way is the quick, easy and fast way of putting a false relationship together. Yes, I said FALSE. It will not last, because a relationship based on a lie is not a relationship at all. It's simply a ploy.

Build your home on honesty! Tell them upfront, and PRAY they are honest with you, too.
 
Hi Kraven. As Yoda Girl says, trust yourself you must. :D

My experience was this: years ago, without a clue about the varied and expansive nature of polyamory (and the poly community), or even what polyamory was, beyond rumors of a "slutty" senior in charge of the women's group on campus, I told my love what I felt and what I wanted in relationships. I was scared. It was the very beginning of our relationship. Things were said that scared me further. I might lose him, I thought.

But I was honest with him and with myself. I didn't hide myself. And our relationship was better for it, from the start. We know each other and we continue to learn about each other in an open way. There are no surprises in that way.

Will you be able to form the relationships which bring fulfillment if you hide what you need? Would you want to be with others who do not accept all of you?


YGirl said:
If possible, you should have an affair with someone already in a relationship without the knowledge of the other partner. That way, you will not only be providing a "valuable public service" to two people for the price of one, but you will also be "helping" someone else's relationship to "move forward into poly." As long as everyone's "needs are met," it is okay to be deceptive and lie by omission.

Good Luck. :rolleyes:
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Oh my god... I almost spilled my juice as I read that.

~Raven~
 
River said:
What's that?
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Been There, Done That. Sorry, I tend to use a bit of shorthand from another board I've been on for years. We know each other quite well now and use many acronyms that could confuse others. Sometimes I forget to expand when I post elsewhere.

Also, while my answer was a bit off the cuff, I should also say that I would not base a decision on whether or not to engage in a relationship on the other person's identification as monogamous. My experiences have led me to believe it is an easier path if we share the same lovestyle, but connections happen where they will and I'm well aware of that.
 
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