Sleeping Arrangements

PinkPig

Well-known member
I am admittedly, somewhat freaky about my sleep. After years of fighting insomnia, I'm finally in a position where I sleep soundly most nights. It took me a considerable amount of time to adjust to sleeping at my partner's house, and I still don't usually sleep well at hotels. Reading the blogs from people with multiple spouse-type relationships, or multiple live-in partners, has me wondering how most people handle the sleeping arrangements? For those who don't all sleep in one bed, how do you do it? Do your partners switch off and come to your bed? Or, do you change beds each night? In the case of changing beds, do you have rituals or tips (like bringing your pillow with you) that help you adjust? Or, am I just really that freaky about my sleep, lol?

It's mostly curiosity's sake that leads me to ask...but also, my 'ideal' poly arrangement would be to live in the same house with two partners or with a partner and metamour. So it's also research ;)
 

KC43

New member
I'm no help in answering your question, since I live only with Hubby and have no desire to have a second live-in partner. But on the subject of sleeping, I usually have a hugely difficult time falling asleep in unfamiliar places, be it a partner's bed or a hotel room or whatever. I also have only had one partner with whom I could fall asleep while he was touching me. I can't even do that with Hubby. (Haven't had the opportunity to try yet with Boots; because of his living situation, we haven't had any overnights yet, though he should be completely moved into his new apartment by this weekend or next.)

It actually took me about two years before I could even fall asleep if Hubby was in bed with me, even if he wasn't touching me, and it took another two or three years beyond that for me to be able to sleep through him coming to bed later. When I spent nights with guys other than the one partner I mention above, I pretty much didn't sleep; I dozed for a few minutes at a time. There are reasons I have difficulty sleeping in strange places or with other people around...I'm probably never going to figure out why I had absolutely zero problems with it with that one partner.
 

Inyourendo

New member
Tje schedule is 3 nights with husband at my house , 2 nights with boyfriend at our house that he lives at, 2 nights at work. I'm fine sleeping anywhere as long as I have a comfy pillow. I almost never fall asleep naturally because I don't get sleepy until about 20 hours after waking so if I need to go to bed before 4am I take a sleep aid
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
But on the subject of sleeping, I usually have a hugely difficult time falling asleep in unfamiliar places, be it a partner's bed or a hotel room or whatever. I also have only had one partner with whom I could fall asleep while he was touching me.

Lol, we sound kind of similar in that regard. 20+ years of marriage and I never adjusted to my ex touching me while sleeping. I always slept better alone. Blue & I can sleep wrapped together, in certain positions. But, it took a really long time for me to adjust to that. And, for at least the first 6 months we were together, I couldn't sleep through the night at his house. I'd sleep in fits and starts, with lots of insomnia. Now, I routinely sleep through the night with him and even sleep better in hotels with him (than I would alone.) It helps that he doesn't snore or breathe loudly while sleeping (unlike my ex.)
 

PinkPig

Well-known member
Tje schedule is 3 nights with husband at my house , 2 nights with boyfriend at our house that he lives at, 2 nights at work. I'm fine sleeping anywhere as long as I have a comfy pillow. I almost never fall asleep naturally because I don't get sleepy until about 20 hours after waking so if I need to go to bed before 4am I take a sleep aid

Lol, no way could I routinely stay up until 4 am! 1 am is my limit, lol.
 

KC43

New member
With my ex-husband (my kids' father), he literally would wake me up yelling at me for breathing too loud. If I rolled over to a more comfortable position, he got angry if I accidentally bumped him. He also got angry at me if he bumped into me when *he* changed position, and when he was tired, it was always my fault because I kept him awake somehow or other. I learned to sleep on my side, on the very edge of the bed, barely breathing and most nights barely sleeping.

That's why I have trouble sleeping with someone touching me and used to have trouble falling asleep in the same bed with someone else. As I said, I've learned to do so with Hubby, but we have a queen size bed and I still tend to stay close to the edge on my side. And most of the time, I wake up if I change position so I can make sure I don't bump him.

Even with S2, who was the partner I mentioned in my previous post with whom I didn't have problems sleeping even if he was holding me, for a few months I tried to stay on my side on the very edge of the bed. He only had a full-size bed, so there wasn't really room to change position without bumping into him. I didn't want to piss him off. But because of my fibromyalgia, if I stay in one position all night, I wake up in a lot of pain, and sometimes the pain hits during the night and I can't get back to sleep.

One of the mornings when I woke up hurting so badly I could barely get out of bed, he asked me what had caused the pain, and I told him I hadn't changed position all night and why. That upset him; he told me that my being comfortable and not in pain was way more important than whether I bumped into him while changing position, and that he would probably sleep through it anyway. After that, I didn't have a problem with changing position either. I still usually woke up if I was changing position, but it was more to make sure I didn't fall out of bed than to avoid bumping him. (I did fall out of bed twice... a full size bed is not ideal for two adults.)

I left my ex-husband in December 2006. The first night I spent with S2 was November 1 of last year, nearly eight years later. Until the conversation with S2, I hadn't realized how badly my ex's crap still affected me. I'd known my ex's behavior was behind my sleeping-with-others difficulty, but I hadn't realized how deep it went until I realized in the course of that conversation that I was actually afraid S2, one of the calmest, quietest, gentlest guys I've ever met, would be angry and possibly hurt me if I woke him up by changing position in bed.
 

vinsanity0

Active member
Sprite shares an apartment part-time with one of her boyfriends. In their arrangement they each have their own bedroom since they often have dates come over. That way if they want to be alone they can. If they have a date over, the other isn't left out on the couch all night. It works out really well.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
As it happens, my snoring is too much for Snowbunny, and so, I sleep alone. Which actually doesn't bother me, it's rather convenient having a bed to myself. Having said that, I've been able to pretty easily adjust to all kinds of other sleeping arrangements in the past.
 

Bluebird

Well-known member
I answered in my journal, but I will post here too. :)

Usually, the guys sleep with me. I have the master suite in the house and have a King mattress less than a year old. DarkKnight has a twin in his room, so I couldn't sleep there. That said, the central air in our house doesn't push upstairs as well, so sometimes in the summer I do migrate down to PunkRock's room in the basement. He has a queen size memory foam mattress and I've learned to tolerate it. Certainly, it isn't my favorite. Plus he comes with a personal alarm clock - his cat Stormy wakes us every morning at 5 am for treats. So, having the guys swap out to my room each night makes the most sense to me.

Sleepovers at WarMan's place have suddenly gotten much better - he bought a new Queen size pillowtop this past week, and I actually like it.
 

Evie

Kaitiaki
I'm just going to answer as someone who has more of a (very dear) fwb based poly setup. When hubby and I are living together (not right now, LDR due to work/study/health) it depends on the number of bedrooms we have set up. I'd always aim for a two bedroom house, because that second bedroom is likely to be used for all sorts of visitors anyway. And if he's away overnight and I have a fwb over, we'll sleep etc. in the spare room. Other than that, I'd go to visit my friends, and likewise if hubby develops fwbs, I'd communicate that I expect him to use the spare room. Furthermore, I wouldn't bring one of my friends into the house (for intense intimacy) when hubby is home unless the intention was for a 3some, and that hasn't happened yet so is only a hypothetical. And then that would take place in the lounge/guest room anyway. Our bedroom is our bedroom. Yes, it's our "couple bubble" and that's perfectly ok with my friends, they have no intention of causing trouble in my marriage over sleeping arrangements, they love me too much for that :)
 

Mya

Member
The three of us (me, rory and Hank) each have our own rooms. Most nights we all sleep in our own beds. If we have a platonic guest over, the guest often sleeps in mine or rory's room and me and rory sleep in the same bed on those nights. And of course if any of us has a non-platonic guest, they will sleep in the same bed with whoever they're there to see. The only exception being Hank who has trouble sleeping next to people, so he hasn't had anyone overnight yet.
 

Petunia

Moderator
Staff member
I have sleep issues too, so this was a concern of mine. I have slept with ear plugs for years and last March when I got a roommate I started running a sound machine to mask the noise of her moving about the house at night. I take Ambien to help knock me out and keep me out until morning. For years I've slept with three pillows, two for under my head and one for between my knees.

Now that I am spending the majority of my time at my boyfriends' home I have adjusted to keeping one pillow in each of their rooms and transferring my large king-sized huggy pillow between their rooms. The pillow in Bond's room is one I bought and it's actually too full to be truly comfortable, so I'll probably replace it with one that I like better. The pillow I use in Golden's room is actually one of his and I really like it. I also find his bed more comfortable than Bond's and maybe even more comfortable than my own, although I like mine quite a bit too. I feel like Goldielocks. LOL

I love skin to skin contact, so touching is a bonus for me when sleeping. Bond is a restless sleeper and he tends to wake me a lot in the night. He gathers me in to him all night long. There is no escaping! :eek: It's sweet, but looking at all of the times of restlessness on my Fitbit app it's no wonder I'm tired in the morning! Golden is stiller and I sleep more soundly with him.

What I've found in the past six months is that I'm adjusting better than I anticipated.

I'm moving into the house with the two of them next month. Bond and I will share the master bedroom and whoever has a guest will use the guest bedroom. Nights with Golden will be in his room.

I think my sound machine will get passed onto one of the Golden's kids as I don't need it to help me sleep when I am there and it would be nice to mask the noise from upstairs that keeps them from falling asleep at night.
 

Norwegianpoly

New member
We have tried out different versions of this;

the boys having their own room, and me moving in between each night when we are in the same place

or

me being the "queen" of the bed, and the boys moving in between.

Both works reasonably fine. I can sleep with either of them in any bed, but we preffer as big one as possible. We never share a bed all three of us, although I can snuggle up with both of them at the sofa at times.

Me and husband just bought a new King size bed (our old one was King as well) -in our flat we also have a single bed in the offcie and a sofa that can be turned into a Queen bed. In the place I rent with my boyfriend we have a new Queen bed (that the landlady bought) and 1 old single bed. Since we are not looking at moving in together permanently at this point, it is not as important what we choose, but I would never buy a new bed that was not at least Queen size (the single bed in our flat was a gift from a friend).
 
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PinkPig

Well-known member
Lots of variation :) In thinking about it, my ideal would be that I stay in my bedroom and others join me there (which admittedly feels the most selfish solution but also the best for my wonky sleep patterns.) Unfortunately, Blue also has insomnia issues so his preference would be the same as mine, only for him, lol. When we were with Snow and actually thought that we may all end up living together at some point, the plan was for each of us to have our own bedrooms.

Thanks, NYC. I had read parts of that thread before. I finished reading it.
 

Willow64

New member
Our poly unit just officially got "underway" this past weekend, but right now we are co-sleeping. I am the hinge of a "V". The guys are doing really well at sharing or intimacy separately but I can imagine that in time I will want more of our king size bed to myself, and my kids (16, 15 and 12) will be home from a week long stay at their bio dad's in 3 days. My daughter will NOT be cool with S2 (I think that's what he would be termed) sleeping in our bed, so we will have to get him moved into his own room this week.
 

JaneQSmythe

Active member
I probably answered in the other thread. We have one king-size bed. I sleep there. Anyone is welcome to join me or sleep on the couch. I can sleep anywhere but am a restless sleeper so anyone joining me needs their own pillow and bedding (and probably a spare set and protective gear!) Whatever, it works.
 

LizziE

New member
When we lived with Jon's ex, we had two bedrooms. One had a king bed. One had a queen. Jon would sleep some night with me in the king bed, some nights with Lora in the queen bed, and some nights we'd all sleep together on the king bed.

If we ever share our home with another partner again (who wants to sleep together), we've talked about how we want to get three bedrooms. The hinge partner will get the largest and use the king-sized bed. The metas will get the smaller rooms. And then we'd have the hinge move from meta bedroom to meta bedroom, with all of us sleeping together some nights in the hing bedroom, if that was what everybody wanted/was comfortable with.

If everybody wasn't comfortable with that, then we'd work out something else. The main thing I'd care about (whether I was the hinge or Jon was the hinge) is that our sleeping would happen sometimes in the meta bedroom and sometimes in the hinge bedroom. By which I mean, if I was the hinge, and my metas didn't ever want to sleep together, I'd expect me and each meta to sleep some nights in the meta's room, and some nights in my room. I have really strong feelings about sharing in that manner.
 
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