Solo girl entering poly world

T

Taylorchec

New member
Hi,

I'm new here. I decided to become poly while being single. I'm scared, but I want this and want to know if anyone is out there like me who can help me out. (I'm a terrible writer so forgive me for my grammar. )

I didn't open up a relationship. I just decided one day that I wanted to sleep with people's boyfriends or husbands, and possibly with couples, if they would have me. It's been a year, and things have been going well with being a secondary to a few relationships where I am only involved with the male and don't see the other half of the relationship. I'm doing this with two people and I stick to my boundaries and like it.

But now I am joining a couple and couldn't be more terrified and confused. I guess the hardest part is that we have not discussed what I am to them, just that I can sleep with him if she is there or has her own partner for the night. I appreciate their rules and respect them. My problem is that they text me every day and it feels like I have signed on for more that I bargained for. I like being friends with my partners, but this too much.

I want to keep seeing them, but all the attention has turned me off, and I hate to admit that. I know I need to talk to them and I will soon. I'm just scared of disappointing them and I fear conflict. Would someone be able to help me navigate this, maybe help me with what to say?
 
Your comfort in sticking to your boundaries doesn't have to change just because you start dating a couple. You can tell them if they push you in ways you don't like, and if they keep doing it anyway, why would you want to spend any time with them?

Don't let them act like they can control you or your feelings just because they were a couple before you decided to date them. Your relationship is not a democracy, and you don't have to like what they tell you to like just 'cause they outvote you.
 
Hi Taylorchec,

I suppose if I were you I would tell them, "I'm a bit overwhelmed by how much attention I'm getting. Could we dial that part back a bit? I was looking for something a little more casual." And, if they're not willing to honor your wishes, don't be afraid of breaking up with them. The alternative could be years and years of unhappiness and you don't want that.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi,

Advice from the other side. Just be honest. When we started I was texting a lot because I didn't want her to be the odd man out, since I was already in a relationship. It was really weird for me and then I got resistance and it almost ended it. I think it's so hard to tell what everyone's comfort levels are without being very honest.
 
IMO, if you fear conflict, then threat of conflict will be used against you.

As well, "conflict" has become an Evil Word. Few people seem capable of understanding that conflict is an inherent part of the so-called human condition. The reality is that it's not a "relationship" until difficulty can be overcome together.

You sound as though you are being love-bombed, a method of psychological manipulation popular with pimps, narcissists and cults. Have you started getting the "worried" harassment when you don't respond immediately, or demands you keep them informed hour-by-hour about, for example, what your plans are for the next date, what your feelings are about the previous date, where you are, what you're doing, who you're with?

It's a lot easier to stop a train BEFORE it accelerates further. Stop being the "baby girl" to their Mommy/Daddy thing. Sorry, it's terrible of me to assume that they're older than you, but that does sound like the roles they're insistent upon.

If you're OK with that, then cool... But maybe it's a thought to put your foot down and give the leash a yank. It's nice that you're having a bit of fun, but I don't get the impression you intended to sign your life away as a luxury add-on to a "real relationship."
 
Thank you, everyone. This advice was helpful. I know I responded way late, but I did listen. I just get confused in forums and didn't really know how to get back in.
 
Glad to hear that our advice was helpful, :)
 
Taylorchec said:
Hi, I'm new here. I decided to become poly while being single. I'm scared, but I want this and want to know if anyone is out there like me who can help me out. I'm a terrible writer so forgive me for my grammar.

I didn't open up a relationship i just decided one day that i wanted to sleep with people's boyfriends or husbands and possibly with couples if they would have me. its's been a year and things have been going well with being a secondary to a few relationships where I am only involved with the male and don't see the other half to the relationship. i'm doing this with two people and i stick to my boundaries and like it.
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I'm interested in knowing how you look.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
Bobbi said:
This is the general poly discussions board, not the dating section.
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And this member hasn't been back since 2017. Please check the dates when you necro threads. Thanks!
 
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