Solo poly and in other poly configurations?

B

BrianneGoddess

New member
Is it possible to be solo in theory and in say a triad or part of another poly configuration?

And yes i am totally aware that this seems more about labels and fitting what may be into explicable terms, but I'd love to discuss the solo poly idea in more detail.

Any other information that may add to the discussion also welcome.

:)
 
As Veaux's site says:
INTIMATE NETWORK: Colloquial The sum total of a person’s partners, those partners’ partners, and so on.

Usage: The term “intimate network” is most often used to describe the set of romantic and sexual relationships and friendships involved in a polyamorous relationship structure that is not closed; that is, the term intimate network is not often used to describe a polyfidelitous relationship or a closed group marriage, though it can be. The term is also sometimes used in a way that includes people who are close friends, but are not necessarily romantically or sexually involved, with a person or that person’s partners.
Click to expand...
A book I highly recommend (which to my knowledge has never been mentioned on a poly site): James Ramey, Intimate Friendships. We were using "intimate network" before discovering the book, but it lined up VERY well with what we had created.
 
BrianneGoddess said:
Is it possible to be solo in theory and in say a triad or part of another poly configuration?

:)
Click to expand...

Yes. I had this discussion a while ago on FB. Solo isn't about never living with partners. Life happens the way it happens, and sometimes that means you compromise :) if a partner needs a place to live I'd be happy if it was with me if that was the best logistical choice. I just don't expect, or want, to be the first choice just because of our relationship. I like my independence too much.
 
BrianneGoddess said:
Is it possible to be solo in theory and in say a triad or part of another poly configuration?
Click to expand...
Well, sure. Embracing solo poly doesn't mean it's all one night stands or a short-lived fling here and there. Plenty of solo poly people have long-term partners or get involved in triads, but I think they'd mostly be in vees. In general I think the solo poly person wouldn't agree to poly-fi, nor to any kind of arrangement where they wouldn't get a say over how they want their relationships to go. You know, as in stupid rules some couples have that dictate their "third" can only have sex with both of them together and no one-on-one time. A solo would never go for that kind of couple privilege being lorded over them.

We tend not to want cohabitation with lovers, although there are so many ways to make a living arrangement work, so it could happen. However, as Aggiesez put it over on her blog: ". . . generally, solo poly people do not merge dwellings or other resources with intimate partners in a way that would be difficult to disentangle should that relationship end or significantly shift."

Connection and autonomy are important to a solo poly person. Enmeshment and dependency are generally not welcome. Solos tend to steer clear of anyone who practices hierarchical poly, although some don't mind being a "secondary" as long as it's on their own terms.
 
Our member Spork is a solo poly involved in a "quad" (3 other people more or less connected to each other and her), and also has a boyfriend. She lives with her 2 kids. She has an enjoyable blog in our Blog section about how she manages being in relationship with several others, while also maintaining her independence.
 
Magdlyn said:
Our member Spork is a solo poly involved in a "quad" (3 other people more or less connected to each other and her), and also has a boyfriend. She lives with her 2 kids. She has an enjoyable blog in our Blog section about how she manages being in relationship with several others, while also maintaining her independence.
Click to expand...

:D *waves*

I'm in the "it looks different to different folks" camp.

Solo poly was a thing I very deliberately chose (particularly the "solo" part...the poly part might come and go, relationships change, life happens, who knows?) But mainly because I left that loooong marriage that I'd jumped into at age 18, I needed to know I could make it on my own. I had a strong desire and intent to heal myself and my life, until I was SURE that I'm a whole person, and guard against entanglement until I feel I've got firm footing.

Part of it was also avoidance of mistakes my parents made. They were both in a position where raising kids alone was too challenging and scary, and latched onto the first partners that they could hold onto, pelted onto the escalator and clung for dear life, following the divorce of each other. My Mom had a series of terrible relationships that had negative impacts on me as her daughter...my Dad had a semi-successful marriage, but eventually it fell apart in a storm of alcohol, tears, and wretchedness. But for both of them, there was so much NEED...empty holes in their lives that only a partner could possibly fill.

I don't think that this is healthy. Hence, I am solo, presently poly, for at minimum the duration of my apartment lease, if not longer.

Also realized though that a huge part of my unhappiness in my marriage was not having any space to call my own. Before I moved out, I moved into a big bedroom in the basement of my ex's house. I filled it with my own decorations and things and tried to make a comfortable space for myself. And it did wonders for me. Previously we shared the master bedroom, and HE had a man cave, and HE had a guest room for HIS friends...I could relax in the living room but my kids would be there, I could claim the kitchen to cook for everyone else. I had no space that was mine. So I now know that if I cohabitate again one day, I'll want that.
 
Thank you all for the responses :) I'm thinking on things and suspect this is the way for me too now.

Nycindie: I giggled at your gentle reference to being a third; that whole couple privilege is not something I think I could /would want to be a part of either. And right now cohabitation seems to be something I'd happily steer clear of for ages to come at the very least.

Ravenscroft: I will look at that book pronto. Thanks for the recommendation! And I quite like the idea that in certain circumstances it may be more suitable to be a "secondary" partner.

Magdlyn: I do follow Spork's fascinating blog and shall continue to do so ;)

Spork: your comments, especially about ensuring a whole self gave me huge lightbulb moments. So much of what you say could be my story and your example offers hope. Thank you!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top