Solo Poly vs...well, All the Rest

PurpleSun

New member
So, I was just wondering what people here thought of solo polyamory, if anyone practiced it/had practiced it, and, if so, what form does it take for you? Until my current rather new set up, I was solo poly. I had four very casual girlfriends. One,, we'll call her K, I was closer to than the others. I miss her a bit, but she and I weren't compatible for anything that was more serious. The other three I was even less compatible with. So when I started my current relationship, I broke things off with those women to concentrate on establishing a new base, with the understanding that we'd revisit things in time.

I'm a fiercely independent person, and solo poly seems to be my most natural way of operating. I can see - or not see - partners when it is convenient for all involved. We're serious about caring for one another, and we enjoy one another's company, but no one is staking claims, or thinking of playing house or anything. It's a pretty cool way to live, but, at the same time, I also kind of fear getting old and dying alone, and I operate okay in more serious/thinking of the future set ups as well. NGL, though, I can't help but miss the freedom of solo poly.

So, what do you guys think? I've heard some people say that solo polyamorists just fear commitment, but personally, I don't at all. I just happen to be able to operate just fine without it, too. Thoughts?
 

PurpleSun

New member
Thank you!

How do I search tags? And for that matter, how do I tag users in replies? Thanks again!
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
If you hit "quote" instead of "reply" you will get the person to whom you are responding's post in your reply.
 

Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
To search Tags, go to the Search button on top of the page. Click that, then click Advanced Search. You'll see how to search by tags or keywords.
 

Marvelgirl

New member
I don't see anything wrong with it. There are types of "poly" that really bother me but this sure isn't one of them.
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
Staff member
Hi PurpleSun,

Solo poly is fine AFAIAC, I believe nycindie is/was solo poly, though she hasn't posted for awhile. I think you just do the kind of poly that works best for you; everyone is different.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 

FallenAngelina

Well-known member
How do I search tags?

You just click on the link that Ravenscroft posted and all of the threads tagged "solo poly" are listed. We've talked about it a lot here. I don't think it's a special subject that merits a "Vs. All the Rest," it's just one more poly option - at least, that's how it comes up in conversation here. Doesn't seem to me that coupledom is assumed. Most single people here who are practicing solo poly don't label themselves "solo poly," although Kevin is right that nycindie did. Most single people just are themselves and poly. "Solo poly" is a weird term, IMO.
 
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PurpleSun

New member
You just click on the link that Ravenscroft posted and all of the threads tagged "solo poly" are listed. We've talked about it a lot here. I don't think it's a special subject that merits a "Vs. All the Rest," it's just one more poly option - at least, that's how it comes up in conversation here. Doesn't seem to me that coupledom is assumed. Most single people here who are practicing solo poly don't label themselves "solo poly," although Kevin is right that nycindie did. Most single people just are themselves and poly. "Solo poly" is a weird term, IMO.

Ahh, okay. I have, in the past, labeled myself that, to avoid having people believing I am looking for a primary, or, in some instances, that they WERE my primary. I kind of define it as - "I am my own primary partner."
 

MeeraReed

Active member
I'm solo poly.

I don't post much here, though. I am in a Facebook group for solo polyamory which has a lot of good discussions. The founder of the FB group has this website: https://solopoly.net/ which has a good explanation of being "off the relationship escalator."

One trend I have noticed is that many solo poly people have had VERY bad experiences with mono/poly relationships. For me, people with a monogamous mindset often can't grasp my independence--even if they are sometimes willing to "let" me have relationships with other people.

An ex of mine left me very abruptly after a four-year relationship to have a "real" relationship (his words) with someone who wanted to live with him & marry him immediately (and monogamously). He is her third husband, LOL.

For him, the problem wasn't so much the sexual non-exclusivity as that he felt the relationship "wasn't going anywhere" since I didn't want to live with him (although he never mentioned that in four years!). He felt I didn't really love him (but never mentioned that either). He told me he felt there was "no point" in discussing these things with me. Yeah, that was a bundle of fun.

So, in your mono/poly relationship, don't forget the solo/non-solo aspect of your differences. That's something that has to be worked out too.
 
I consider myself to be primarily solo. Just solo.

I haven't had any awful relationship experiences. My parents were happily married until my dad died. Most of my childhood friends grew up in families where there parents are still happily married. I have neither cheated nor been cheated on. I had a 10 year relationship where we did own property together and when we broke up, the splitting of our household was handled in a kind and compassionate way.

I feel most free when I have no romantic relationship. I think that when I'm in a relationship I start to feel the pressure of the social conditioning I grew up with telling me how to behave. It feels like an ongoing effort to ignore it.

Even so, I've been in a mono relationship for the past 7 years. My partner and I don't live together and have no plans to do so. We don't own property together and have no plans to do so. We won't be getting married or having children.

He'd rather have an open relationship. For me, the thought of any more involvement with romantic relationships in my life than the one he and I have makes the slightly constrained feeling I have increase to an intolerable level.

So maybe I'm kind of solo mono? :D
 

Ravenscroft

Banned
he felt the relationship "wasn't going anywhere"
Yah, I don't get it either. I had a steady relationship with someone who made VERY clear she didn't want to be "tied down to just one person," & used that regularly as a way of keeping distance between us... then one day said it was over because it wasn't "going anywhere." :confused: When her "serious relationship" hit a wall (a secret affair with the guy married to her best friend :rolleyes:), she started calling me again, & was quite miffed that I was reluctant to start THAT script over again.

I can be really devoted to someone without wanting to own or be owned. Dunno if that makes me "solo" or just sane. :D
 

Atlantis

Active member
I used to identify as Solo Poly and read the solopoly.net blog and was part of the solo FB group. I probably still am Solo Poly to some degree, as I still have no real interest in co-habiting with a partner. However, I would like slightly more involved relationships than the style that that I used to prefer.
For me it is not about commitment, it is about escalator expectations.

Side note: I did PM nycindie a few months ago and didn't get a reply. I miss her.
 
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Magdlyn

Moderator
Staff member
Yah, I don't get it either. I had a steady relationship with someone who made VERY clear she didn't want to be "tied down to just one person," & used that regularly as a way of keeping distance between us... then one day said it was over because it wasn't "going anywhere." :confused: When her "serious relationship" hit a wall (a secret affair with the guy married to her best friend :rolleyes:), she started calling me again, & was quite miffed that I was reluctant to start THAT script over again.

That really sucks. :( Sorry that happened to you, Ravenscroft.

Side note: I did PM nycindie a few months ago and didn't get a reply. I miss her.

She used to be here so much! And then one day she was just gone.:(
 
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