Some Things Not To Do

AutumnalTone

New member

redsirenn

New member
Love it. She makes it very clear it is her opinion, but there are some great points in there. thanks for sharing.
 

rolypoly

New member
Good article!

I especially, especially appreciate the very end: "Unfortunately, it seems that poly attracts BPD's (and those suffering from Narcissistic Personality Disorder) because they think they can get more of the attention they crave through multiple relationships. "

I think this is what I wrote in my original post on this forum. What a relief to read this. Now it's time to consciously choose stable, mature relationships in an openly poly way. Phew.

Anyway good article.
 

Sweetheart

New member
I can very definitely relate to the author's emotions through the pain of my own experiences, and she makes some valid points. All too often the people who actively seek to represent poly are those worst equipped to do so.
 

AutumnalTone

New member
I've found much of interest on that site. There's more to be found in the rants section that touches on relationships.

A friend of mine refers to herself as a bitch and I've never considered her anywhere close to being a bitch. I mentioned this to her and figured out that we use the word "bitch" differently. I found the Heartless Bitches site shortly after that and have a better understanding of the difference in usage.

If I ever get the time, I'll post links to all of the rants that touch on relationships for comment.
 

sea

New member
Excellent article!!

Having come into poly from a background of the 'swinging' lifestyle, we have met many (if not all) that were looking for that 'perfect' relationship. Everyone always said they wanted to find someone or a couple that they could have a relationship with on all levels. Someone to socialize with, go for coffee, shopping and also have the emotional loving connection with. After several years, we have yet to meet anyone who ever found it! Hell if they did find it they probably wouldn't even recognize it if it slapped them in the face!

Now in visiting these different POLY sites, and reading posts, 'listening' to people tell their stories, it sounds more and more like many are claiming 'poly' as its not quite so derogitory sounding to themselves as 'swinging'. Calling a spade by any other name doesn't change the fact that it's still a spade.

We are now a few years into a wonderfull poly-fi relationship ( which none of us were searching for) and it has come through many trials but also many many fantastic times. This life is hard work but, my god, it can be so rewarding! The author of this article nails it perfectly, RESPONSIBILITY, you can't have the 'me' attitude, it is US! All actions have re-actions, and caring about the ones you're are with means being responsible for those actions!

If you only want the physical and mascarade behind the term 'poly', be honest with yourself and call it what it is!

Great post! Thanks for putting up the link!

Sea
 

redpepper

New member
Sorry this might be a bit of a tangent as I haven't read the article but had to just say something to sea...

This brings up serial-poly for me sea. People who go from one partner to another with over laps or have lots partners that they have sex with but the love isn't so deep. It is much like swinging or even just dating to me in that way. Not much "us" involved, more "me" with a hint of "you." This still seems to be poly by definition to some. It isn't my definition, but that is what people think and who am I to disagree. We have talked about it before on a different thread already and it has actually given me a bit of a bad taste in my mouth about identifying as poly. I find myself saying I'm in an "open relationship" that has "poly" tendencies and then clarify to people that they should not necessarily go by anyone's definition but mine when it comes to my relationships. I came out to my cousin this way recently.

Just a thought as I loved that you put its a responsibility to "us!" so true for me!
 
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Ceoli

Guest
When people ask, I generally say that I'm non-monogamous because that is the most accurate description with the least amount of baggage I can come up with. To me, poly is an umbrella term. Just like marriage is. There's gay marriage, straight marriage, conservative marriages, open marriages, marriages of convenience, etc. So when a person says they are married, it could mean a variety of things. The same goes for people who are single. How another person chooses to be single has no effect on how I choose to be single even though we share the same label.

So it's always good to come up with some back up language to help challenge the assumptions that go along with any umbrella term.
 

sweetie

New member
I agree with Ceoli, poly does seem to be an umbrella term. I think we sometimes feel the need to label ourselves so others will understand our choices.

I don't identify as anything except who I am. A woman searching for the same things everyone else is searching for. Love, understanding, and acceptance for the choices I make in life.

I also want to reply to Sea. Yes, I can pick go into the other room and tell her what I think, but I want others to know as well. I can't say that I've ever truly understood the swinging lifestyle, but I do understand the reasons for entering it. It doesn't matter what prior relationships came before ours. We live in the here and now, and the Responsibility to "us" has always been absolute.
 

redpepper

New member
When people ask, I generally say that I'm non-monogamous because that is the most accurate description with the least amount of baggage I can come up with. To me, poly is an umbrella term. Just like marriage is. There's gay marriage, straight marriage, conservative marriages, open marriages, marriages of convenience, etc. So when a person says they are married, it could mean a variety of things. The same goes for people who are single. How another person chooses to be single has no effect on how I choose to be single even though we share the same label.

So it's always good to come up with some back up language to help challenge the assumptions that go along with any umbrella term.

how come "swinging" is not an umbrella term? What umbrella does it fit under?

Unfortunately "marriage" brings up a whole bunch of connotations that revolve around patriarchy for me. It makes me sad (still, as I am not over it yet) that "poly" now brings up connotations that I don't feel good about either...

you are right Ceoli, perhaps I should just go back to the identity I had ten years ago of being "non-monogamous." That seemed to be an umbrella term I feel safe under. Not that I like to have terms for anything really,but it would of been helpful when coming out to my cousin to have something I feel firmly about standing behind in order to explain myself.
 

sea

New member
Labels!

Its not about the labels, its the responsibility! We live with who we are everyday, being labeled doesn't change us, it's the honesty of who we are, and the responsibility that comes with it.

You need to read the article, she is only stating a perspective she lives by!

Just honesty, if you say it.....mean it!
 

redpepper

New member
okay, I will read it now. :confused:

Being honest, who I am and responsible often means I need to label myself.... which is why I am sad that I used the term "poly" for so long as it sometimes misrepresents who I am and makes me feel irresponsible for using it. It makes me feel like I was being deceitful. Honestly, when I say something about myself, I do want to mean it. That is why I struggle, because the world seems to accept labels when people talk about things. I just want to give the world an honest idea of who I am.

Okay, reading, maybe I will change my mind.
 

MonoVCPHG

New member
In regards to labels....

It would be nice if you could tell someone I am specifically this and they could look it up and know what you are as well as what you are not.

Anyone coming out as polyamorous probably has experienced this. I certainly did. My friend went to the internet to do her own research on poly and basically decided I was in a swinging, open relationship where everyone fucks everyone and undoubtedly misjudged Redpepper and her husband.
I was put at a severe disadvantage in trying to explain the love that existed between all of us. We are getting there now but she still sees it as a dangerous, sexually promiscuous situation because of the vagueness of the word. A multiple partner relationship would have been a better way to put it.

The funny thing is you rarely see monogamists arguing about what the word means. It has a definitive meaning. I wish we had such a catchy understood phrase.:eek:

Love and peace
Mono
 

redpepper

New member
okay, I will read it now. :confused:

Being honest, who I am and responsible often means I need to label myself.... which is why I am sad that I used the term "poly" for so long as it sometimes misrepresents who I am and makes me feel irresponsible for using it. It makes me feel like I was being deceitful. Honestly, when I say something about myself, I do want to mean it. That is why I struggle, because the world seems to accept labels when people talk about things. I just want to give the world an honest idea of who I am.

Okay, reading, maybe I will change my mind.

So, it seems that my use of responsibility and the one in the article is referring to different things. I am talking about being responsible to my self and, I guess, my partners as well in that I want to make sure that in talking to others I do our relationship justice and represent us properly.

The article talks about responsibility in terms of loving, care, emotional intimacy towards another person. Basically having integrity. Something that I hold in high value for myself and I think is a very valid concern in poly relationships.... it's just a different topic altogether.

Sorry for the hyjack here as I am off on a tangent that is different than the article is talking about.
 

Bowvine

New member
That article is amazingly accurate towards my current relationship. That is sad.
 
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LovingRadiance

Active member
That article is amazingly accurate towards my current relationship. That is sad.

the board emails me new posts to threads I've subscribed to-so I read your whole post-before edited.

I know you took it all back out-but I had two thoughts I wanted to share:

First::eek: That was so unkind.
Second: I'm so sorry! It is actions such as this that make those of us who try so hard TO be respectful, patient and caring grown in disappointment.

I hope things settle for you.
 

GroundedSpirit

New member
Non-monagamous

Yea - we tend towards opening statements like "well - we don't really believe in monogamy" and then see where the conversation turns from there. It seems vague enough to prompt questions rather than allow someone new to fit it into some box they already have. Then, depending on what happens we'll usually refer a person to one of the good sites like polyamorysociety.org etc and let them do some research themselves. In our area & circle there just is extremely little awareness of polyamory and like we've said before - just introducing the prefix "poly" leads most people down the path of polygamy so that's how we try to avoid that misstep.
 
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