Sometimes its sooooo hard

zigzag

New member
Really good evening, Dinner then a local concert followed by a wine or two in front of the fire. All brilliant. Then about midnight, I excused myself and went up to bed leaving Angel and Wolf alone to canoodle and eventually go to bed together.They are downstairs in the guest room, I am upstairs in the marital bedroom. I am not stressed but fee that this is a good place to say, at times this is sooooo fucking hard. I hope that all metamours in this situation realise how hard "the other half" has to work.
 
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Inyourendo

New member
I remember whwn Nate would go out at night I'd have to take a sleeping pill so I could sleep through being alone knowing he was having sex with someone else. Im glad I got to the point where him having sex with others doesn't phase me.
 

Candiedlove

New member
Can you clarify what is so hard? My ex-metamour had that issue, it was very hard for her to see/be aware of my partner being with me. Yet, he and I had no issues with her going away for a weekend with her boyfriend (I mean, yay! We both get tons of relaxed time with each other!)

I tried, but couldn't get it. We even asked her, but all she would say is, I just have a hard time. We could never get more of an explanation.

Do you mind specifying what it is that bothers you? I want to know for future met amours. Also, I'm guessing Angel and Wolf will better be able to help you if they understand the problem.
 
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kdt26417

Official Greeter
Hi zigzag,

Re (from OP):
"I hope that all metamours in this situation realise how hard 'the other half' has to work."

Heh, no worries about that. If anything, I probably think too much about it.

I'll take a wild guess and say that since you are Angel's husband, and probably weren't familiar with polyamory before Wolf got involved, you were very accustomed to being Angel's one-and-only and were always taught that it's supposed to be that way. Am I on the right track?
 

zigzag

New member
Yes Kevin, spot on.

What is so hard Candielove is managing your emotions.

I am actually quite good at it but nevertheless it is hard work, just felt like saying it. Angel and Wolf and everyone like them does need to know that
sometimes the "other halves" work hard to give them their freedom. That doesn't mean they are not worth it or that it is not the right thing to do.
 

Len51

New member
As a very alpha male, I could not do what you do. My wife and I only had relationships with people we both had emotional bonds with or in a wife swapping environment where we both could see each other. After seeing wife swapping destroying the marriages of our little group, we settled in with her best friend for most of our 40+ year marriage.

Even when our girlfriend got married when we moved out of State for a few years. When we returned she split her time between us. She purposely went online to find a guy who was OK with this and we never were told why other than they had an arrangement. So instead of having her all to ourselves, we now had to share her with her husband and for some strange reason, that never bothered me, even when she sometimes mentioned what they did sexually that she wanted to do with me. In fact, unless she mentioned it, my wife and I completely forgot about her husband.
 

KarmaAuditor

New member
I remember whwn Nate would go out at night I'd have to take a sleeping pill so I could sleep through being alone knowing he was having sex with someone else. Im glad I got to the point where him having sex with others doesn't phase me.

I was the long distant other to a married set and having to go home (not because they didn't want me there but because I had responsibilities here) to my cold bed while the couple got to snuggle and be all lovey miles away made me feel very lonely and heartsick. I ended up perusing my own other with permission but it ended the relationship because they didn't like my choice of other...

I feel that a cold lonely bed when you know your partners are getting emotional comfort from someone else makes this much harder to take...
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
I was the long distant other to a married set and having to go home (not because they didn't want me there but because I had responsibilities here) to my cold bed while the couple got to snuggle and be all lovey miles away made me feel very lonely and heartsick. I ended up perusing my own other with permission but it ended the relationship because they didn't like my choice of other...

I feel that a cold lonely bed when you know your partners are getting emotional comfort from someone else makes this much harder to take...

That sucks, Karma, that when you sought comfort with your own primary, your couple dumped you! I hope you're moving on OK... Are you still with the new person?
 

KarmaAuditor

New member
Past attempts

That was 10 years ago. I was with Jay (the person who they didn't approve of) for 6 years. He attempted to start a poly thing up and I told him I was skeptical and a bit fearful after my original attempt which he was aware of.... he found someone and pushed and pushed and I finally caved and gave it a try... but I loved the other instantly and we were super connected from the start. We actually did well. He was amazingly supportive and awesome through the start but then he lost his job and started self hating while he pulled away and started sabotaging our relationship himself... he ended up walking out during an argument and it never got repaired. I had been with him 6 years at that point. I am still with the lady he brought in and we have been together for 5 years handfasted for 3 1/2 years... I regret that he is so self loathing but am grateful he found her. She is open with me having a relationship on the side but said she doesn't feel inclined to have any other lovers.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Karma, thank you for sharing. You've been around the poly block and could be an important and informative member of the board, if you stick around! Glad you're in a good relationship now.
 

KarmaAuditor

New member
No problem. I gathered that was sort of what we do here. I am glad I am in a good relationship these days. I have a good support team these days so I am in a healthier place than back then mentally and emotionally.
 

zigzag

New member
I feel that a cold lonely bed when you know your partners are getting emotional comfort from someone else makes this much harder to take...

I can see where you are coming from. I have for work stayed away in hotels several nights a week in a cold lonely bed for 20+ years, so that per se is not an issue. In our case Angel stays with Wolf or vice versa generally one midweek night and one weekend night a week, so quite frequently. So I am getting used to it. I also have a whole set of coping strategies that really help.

I am glad that people say it gets easier, because we have managed really well, but not without effort by all parties. While it does seem to get easier what I had not expected is that the improvement is not linear and you can go backwards as well as forwards even if the overall direction is one of improvement.

And don't get me wrong this is something I want to do and think is absolutely then right and loving thing to do.
 
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zigzag

New member
Would you be willing to share some of these?

You probably need a bit of background. When I was much younger I used to get insanely jealous over Angel just over simple nights out or work events. But overtime I got over that. I also suffer from an anxiety disorder that is now well managed. So my methods for dealing with when Angel is away come from both new experiences in polyamory and what I have learned over jealously and anxiety in the past.

So this is my strategy.

1. In my bedside cabinet and in each of my “man bags” I have a little emergency checklist that tells all that is good about Angel, about Angel and Wolf's relationship and all that is bad about jealousy, when I feel the need I read it.

2. I always have my tablet with me when I am alone and I have a few links to polyamory sites with help for jealousy and anxiety, which I often read when I am settling down into bed.

3. I always have my Kindle with me with a good book on it, usually a thriller, which gives me something to do if I can't sleep and stops me thinking about negative thoughts.

4. If I find my mind going over thoughts that could turn jealous I practice thought redirection (which is a technique taught for anxiety too). Once I catch myself I deliberately try to think about a positive problem which in my case will be football/soccer, so I try and work out in my mind my teams all-time best 11, the worst 11, top 10 goal scorers etc. Equally I find solving technical IT problems in my mind also works for me. Next minute I have fallen asleep.

5. I try deep breathing exercises which promote relaxation. You should find some guides on the web about breathing and relaxation techniques. These work well for anxiety and when you are feeling jealous or angry.

6. I have my MP3 player with me with a special calming play-list I have made. In my case this is classical music. Also works well if the lovers happen to be in a nearby room and you can hear them, or think you can.

7. If I am feeling jealous I try and do something loving towards Angel immediately. If its night time I may write here a loving email or if its during the day I may do a task for her like fix an item of clothing or jewelry or do some sort of task she hasn't got around to doing that she will be pleased about.

8. I always make sure when they are together during the day or evening, that I have something really positive to do to keep my mind from becoming negative such as a job or pleasant task. I don't sit around listening to Leonard Cohen and moping. However, I would caution against doing household chores unless you do enjoy them as otherwise you may end up thinking "here I am like a martyr doing the F*&^ing ironing, while they are enjoying themselves". Which isn't good.

9. I chat to people on this site and read other posts when Angel and Wolf are together as that helps.

10. I have a copy of More than Two on my Kindle which I read now and again.

Oh and I do love Angel dearly and want to be "good" for her when she is away which makes me do most of the above.

PS. Feel free to message if you want to know more.
 
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Bluebird

Well-known member
That is a great list, zigzag. Thanks for sharing it.
 

PinkPig

Member
I second Bluebird. Lots of great coping strategies, zigzag. I use several of these, too. I also like to plan something fun just for me when Blue's on a date. Or maybe something fun with my kids, if they're up for it (teens can be fickle and funny about spending time with Mom...unless it involves food, lol.)
 

reflections

New member
I love the focus on doing something enjoyable when you're by yourself. I've realized there's a big difference, for me, between "filling" the time (which tends to be more cleaning and doing things just to distract myself) and planning something I'm excited to do. I've begun watching movies that are super appealing to me, but that my partners are less interested in. That way, despite me feeling jealous or lonely when I'm home by myself or having thoughts about how much I miss my loves, I can look forward about being able to FINALLY watch that movie I've been dying to watch for so long. It gives me the ability to answer "I really miss my partners and I wish they were home with me" with "yeah, but I'll see them X day and in the meantime, I get to do this!" Big adjustment for me!

12 Years A Slave is next on my list!
 

kdt26417

Official Greeter
I've seen "12 Years a Slave." Very excellent show.
 

reflections

New member
I've heard the same thing from friends! It has me seriously waiting for the next time that I've got some alone time to watch.

Way more exciting than a night of doing chores around the house!
 
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