sometimes, we have to accept that we cannot help some times

polypenguin

New member
so I arrived at a conclusion this morning: there are times in life where we have to accept that we cannot help someone. They have to help themselves.

it is difficult to be powerless, and watch someone in pain or anguish. Especially if you love them.
 

ThatGirlInGray

New member
True. Sad, but true. I struggle with this a lot. :(
 

CielDuMatin

New member
Absolutely - we can't fix the world. It's a hard lesson for those of us who want to try, but we end up just getting mired in other people's crap without any real hope of helping anything.

Because we end up not helping, often the people we are trying to help get resentful of our meddling.

I learned a long while ago that the best way is to focus my efforts on those folks where I can really make a positive difference, not the long shots.
 

polypenguin

New member
yeah, it's painful to bang your head against someone else's wall. But in the end, you are the one who chooses to bang your head, not them.
 

km34

New member
Very, very true.

I've only been in this situation once, when a very dear friend (borderline girlfriend) was refusing to get help for a drug problem and abusive relationship. After I cut ties with her because I couldn't watch her destructive behavior which was adversely affecting my health as well, she finally moved back in with her parents in another state and got help. Last I heard she was finally on her own again and happy and healthy. I couldn't make her do it (as hard as I tried), she had to WANT to get out of that situation.

It sucks, but all you can do is support the people you love as much as you can. It sucks even more when you can't even do that anymore without hurting yourself too much.
 

PinkDragon

New member
Very true! But oh, so hard to do!
 

Pretzels

New member
so I arrived at a conclusion this morning: there are times in life where we have to accept that we cannot help someone. They have to help themselves.

it is difficult to be powerless, and watch someone in pain or anguish. Especially if you love them.

T and I went through almost two months of hell with E along these very lines. He kept pushing us away and saying he wanted to be by himself. That was easier for me since I'm only home on weekends, but a tougher, yet ultimately necessary, choice for T.

After T left and E got all the alone time he wanted, E came to the realization that what he was asking for, for us to leave, wasn't what he wanted long-term. It was just what he needed short-term to come to understand what was really important to him.

Here's hoping your situation gets the same dose of space and perspective it needs to heal.
 

Magdlyn

Well-known member
Very, very true.

I've only been in this situation once, when a very dear friend (borderline girlfriend) was refusing to get help for a drug problem and abusive relationship. After I cut ties with her because I couldn't watch her destructive behavior which was adversely affecting my health as well, she finally moved back in with her parents in another state and got help. Last I heard she was finally on her own again and happy and healthy. I couldn't make her do it (as hard as I tried), she had to WANT to get out of that situation.

Borderline personality disorder is a terrible disease. My 24 year old daughter suffers from this. My ex-husband and I can't have her live with either of us, as she lies and steals. She has struggled to stay sober, but has fallen off the wagon recently and we havent heard from her in 2 or 3 weeks now. It sucks royal ass. I doubt she will ever be "happy and healthy..." sigh...
 

feelyunicorn

New member
I find it conceited to assume that we are helping someone, when the recepient does not ask for help. I often see this co-dependent dynamic, whereby the 'saver' gets the moral high-ground, and the 'saved' gets the all the attention and mooching.

In fact, that pretty much describes the longest relationship I had. Ain`t telling which side I was on! :D
 

km34

New member
I find it conceited to assume that we are helping someone, when the recepient does not ask for help. I often see this co-dependent dynamic, whereby the 'saver' gets the moral high-ground, and the 'saved' gets the all the attention and mooching.

In fact, that pretty much describes the longest relationship I had. Ain`t telling which side I was on! :D

Do you think it is always conceited to try to save or only when it is based on an assumption of the need for saving?

I could understand this feeling about certain situations where it is assumed by one party that the other needs help, but not so much when the person admits they need help. An admission of a problem isn't the same as wanting to solve it, but I wouldn't find it conceited to try to "save" a person from something that is an acknowledged issue.
 

feelyunicorn

New member
Do you think it is always conceited to try to save or only when it is based on an assumption of the need for saving?

I could understand this feeling about certain situations where it is assumed by one party that the other needs help, but not so much when the person admits they need help. An admission of a problem isn't the same as wanting to solve it, but I wouldn't find it conceited to try to "save" a person from something that is an acknowledged issue.
That is an interest question. What I try to do is, if someone tells me about his or her problem without asking for help, I empathize.

Nowadays, I really follow pretty strictly the only-help-or-give-advice-when-asked rule.

If someone simply tells me about their problems, I`ll likely be fishing for similar challenges in my life, and tell them about mine. Without offering solutions. Or, if I don`t feel close enough to the person to open up, I`ll simply say, "I`m sorry."

That being said, I`ve been guilty of passively-aggressively asking for help by complaining about my life. I`ve been trying to avoid doing that since I became aware of that pattern.

I`ve also been trying to avoid complaining "in public", so to speak. I keep my problems to myself, unless I specifically ask someone (presumably, someone I trust) if I can open up. In that case, I`m not looking for solutions, only empathy.

Likewise, when I actually need help, I try to ask for help directly. That seems to me like adhering to proper interpersonal boundaries.
 

freyamarie

New member
I appreciate this thread. It has been something I have had to realize for myself to. It is hard to stand by and watch others make decisions that seem to be ripe with potential drama and damage. Finding a balance between just being supportive and the desire to ride to the rescue is a challenge.
The longer I have sat with my instinct to ride to the rescue, the more I have realized that it is often more about how it makes me feel about myself to be of help than it is for the one in need. Realizing that has been embarrassing and somewhat painful. I think that a lot of us jump in to 'help' as a way to avoid our own shit at times. That just isn't healthy.
When a partner is hurting, the first instinct is to ease the hurt....sometimes they just need to sit with the pain in order to come to their own conclusions and to learn. Riding to the rescue does not help. I've been on the other side of that to. Just listening and reflecting back what one hears can often be of the most benefit.
 
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