Sorting through feelings/reactions.

Vicki82

Active member
Oh boy. And after feeling off yesterday, this happened and I don't know what to do.

There might be more helpful info in my blog but I'll try to summarize it. I've been dating Henry for a year now and we've been living together for a couple of months. My StbxH walked out on me in December after having a midlife crisis that has nothing to do with poly. He was emotionally abusive to me and I'm dealing with anxiety issues now, while he continues to threaten me during divorce proceedings. Henry and I have a pretty good relationship but my issues definitely have an effect. Not that he doesn't have his own, but I feel like mine have been looming lately. Right now we are visiting his dad's place which is sort of like camping and outside my comfort level. I had an anxiety attack on Sunday before we left because I was worried about coming.

Last night I'm not really sure what happened because I would never have really expected it. We were in bed and had just finished a movie and a snack and we were kind of absently stroking each other but weren't sure it was going anywhere. He played with my breasts and I was touching his cock and balls and thighs. We talked about a bunch of stuff and then my ex John and his sister because we hang out with them sometimes. He mentioned he thought she'd be fun to play with and I said maybe but I never thought that way because they had a Rule you couldn't play with both siblings (not that I was really interested) but that since I was dating John then it was a nonissue. Oh, and she's in three relationships right now and doesnt do casual. and got off topic because I was telling him she had a waterskiing accident. So his cock got soft then and I made a joke about him being distracted and he said yeah, I'll have to think about what's her name to fix that.

He's never been an asshole to me before, and he did try to apologize right away and he keeps coming back to my room today to apologize but I am feeling really hurt plus he poked that big nest of insecurities that stbxH left (when my ex left he told me that I was fat and ugly and unattractive and no one would ever want me) I mean if he wanted to fuck John's sister, he can. But he doesn't need to make me feel like he's not attracted to me to do it. And he said he wasn't feeling like himself yesterday but I generally believe that when people let shit slip out that it's what they really think. So now I don't even really want to have sex with him or anything like that because I'm not going to believe he's attracted to me.

But then the issue becomes that I know I'm fucked up and I have baggage from my relationship with StbxH plus I was already suffering from anxiety and insecurity, so at what point am I just subconsciously punishing him? I don't want to do that either. Because it's fucked that I don't wholly believe him when he says he loves me a million times a day, but that he can just once insinuate he doesn't want me and I instantly believe it.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm overreacting. I'm hurting though.

And I am falling back into my old shit. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat because I'm upset, and if I don't I'll get sick and feel like shit later. And he came and offered to make me something and I turned him down because I'm upset. But I think I'm expecting him to realize that me not wanting to eat anything is a danger sign and why would he? He's never seen this before and I usually play straight with how I am feeling. But I'm not right now.
 
I should add that I really don't know how to make it better because I feel miserable. I'm hurting and insecure. And it's not that he didn't try. He came here and told me over and over that he's sorry and he loves me and he held me but that didn't make me feel any better. And right now I'm just hiding in my room because I don't know how to make it better and I don't want to look at him because I'll cry.

Intellectually I know that staying in my room isn't helping and it's definitely not a good thing since I could use a shower and lunch, but I don't feel comfortable going out.
 
You should listen to the side of yourself that wants to be healthy emotionally and physically. Eat some food. Accept that people sometimes say foolish things that they do not mean as they came out, even to people they love. Take care of yourself because you are worth caring for.

Leetah
 
I am sorry you struggle.

I see two problems.

PROBLEM 1

So his cock got soft then and I made a joke about him being distracted and he said yeah, I'll have to think about what's her name to fix that.

So you make a joke.

And he tried to joke back and it fell flat.

He's never been an asshole to me before, and he did try to apologize right away and he keeps coming back to my room today to apologize

It sounds like he did the right thing when he realized his faux pas.

It is up to you to decide if you want to forgive him, and allow him to make amends so you can continue in right relationship. Or if you prefer to forgive him and part ways.


PROBLEM 2

This part?

if he wanted to fuck John's sister, he can. But he doesn't need to make me feel like he's not attracted to me to do it.

To me that sounds like that is your thoughts making you feel like that. You are choosing to make it be "his cock goes soft = I am not sexy to him" rather than "his cock goes soft. Because we were chatting."

IME, cocks don't stay hard nonstop even during sex, esp lengthy sex. And if you are taking a chat side trip? Unreasonable to expect him to stay hard nonstop then too.

You could focus on his current behavior rather than fueling your upsetting thoughts.

So now I don't even really want to have sex with him or anything like that because I'm not going to believe he's attracted to me.

You have a core belief that you are not attractive and the only one to change your mind about that is you.

Because it's fucked that I don't wholly believe him when he says he loves me a million times a day, but that he can just once insinuate he doesn't want me and I instantly believe it.

I am glad you see it is messed up thinking even while upset.

I am sorry you dismiss his reassurances that could challenge you and cause you to consider changing your core belief that you are not attractive to Henry.

I am sorry you latch on to "evidence" to support your core belief.

It could be the other way around.

I am sure you are lovely and it sounds like Henry loves you and finds you attractive. I think these thought patterns though... you don't love them and they don't sound lovely. :(

Get up, eat something light, and ask Henry to go for a walk and just enjoy being together. Stop the brain hamster wheel from going round and round lest your trigger and retrigger your anxiety. Don't feed the upsetting thoughts so they keep churning.

You seem to want connection to Henry, so go connect. Come out of the room and feed that connection instead. Invite him for a walk or to play a board game. Take a shower, eat something light, get ready and go spend some time together without it being heavy stuff. Your brain needs a break.

Hang in there!

Galagirl
 
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It's not really that he got soft. I know he was tired yesterday. It was more that he said if he was thinking of her it would come back.

And there's nothing wrong with him being attracted to other people. That I don't have a problem with- just insecurity. But if he could get hard thinking about her and not when actually being present in bed with me? That makes me feel like he isn't attracted to me.
 
It was more that he said if he was thinking of her it would come back.

You were the one who started the jokey thing and he sounds like he was trying to join you in it.

Are you not able to see that his idea of making a sexy joke with you simply fell flat?

You could ask him to please not joke like that any more and let it go. Don't make it bigger than it is.

But if he could get hard thinking about her and not when actually being present in bed with me? That makes me feel like he isn't attracted to me.

Did he get hard thinking about her with you in bed there? No. He tried to apologize for his faux pas. His attention was on who? YOU.
Not her.

Again... could focus on his current behavior and what actually is happening. Rather than "what if this? What if that?" thoughts that lead to you becoming upset.

Don't feed the upsetting thoughts. They rattle your sense of self and security. You aren't going to become MORE secure in yourself if you are the one chronically poking at you.

I mean this kindly, ok? :eek:

Shower, eat, step away from Internet and go hang with Henry instead doing something light and fun. I think that could help you feel better.

Galagirl
 
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I guess you are right, he didn't actually. He did try several times to make it better.

I'll go have some lunch and a shower and see if I feel better.

Sometimes it's hard to sort through the maelstrom and figure out how I'm supposed to react to things. After the way my ex gaslit me, I just don't know anymore. Everything is a fucking disaster.
 
Sometimes guys say stupid things, I have on many occasions. If we realize we did something stupid, that often distracts our penis, if we are a nice guy... an asshole doesn't care about saying something stupid
 
Hi Vicki,

I agree with GalaGirl, Henry was only joking when he made that comment about thinking about what's-her-name to make himself hard again. It was a bad joke, a stupid joke, and he realized that right away, but it had already sprang from his mouth so it was too late to fix that. But it was, all the same, just a joke.

Your StbxH has been very mean to you, so much so that you expect to see more of his behavior everywhere you turn. It is important to realize that not all people are like your ex. They don't all want to make you feel like you're going crazy. Some of them really do mean well, even when they screw up.

You are looking at Henry, and somewhere in the back of your mind you are seeing your StbxH. Someone who doesn't love you. Someone who (supposedly) thinks you're unattractive. Someone who wants to hurt you. So, when Henry accidentally hurts you, you perceive that as proof that he *wants* you to be hurt. That he secretly despises you. The challenge that lies before you is, can you learn to trust Henry? Can you trust him to not be you ex? Can he be flawed and imperfect and still be trusted? If he says that he likes you, loves you, and finds you attractive, can you believe him in spite of his goof-ups?

Your StbxH has caused you enough damage as it is. Don't let him ruin your relationship with Henry as well. And I know it isn't as simple as that. You can't just wave a magic wand and feel differently. Henry said something that hurt you. You're going to feel hurt. But try in your mind as much as possible to reason with yourself about this, to know on whatever level you can that Henry is a good and honest guy, that he wouldn't pretend to be attracted to you if he wasn't really attracted. Don't see your ex when you look at Henry.

It's the next day, so maybe you've had a chance to emotionally recover. I hope so. Not that I think you could be feeling completely better, but just that I hope you're feeling a little bit better. Regardless, I (like others here too I think) still want to try to help as much as I can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
I'm doing my best to just move on. A friend of mine pointed out that StbxH would not have been sorry and would not have been trying to make it better. Henry even made a post on Facebook that he felt terrible and was struggling to express his regret for hurting someone he loves.

So we spent a night together connecting. We drank mimosas and had timbits and watched movies and made love. It helped.

It's just so hard to figure out what I should be feeling when my emotions are in a maelstrom. I don't know what an appropriate level of response is. StbxH would always get angry at me for getting upset which made me more upset, so things would spiral and something little because something huge. I don't want that to happen with Henry but I was hurting. I didn't know how to handle it or what I could be doing to get myself out of my head.
 
FWIW, I know for me the adrenalin dump of a panic or anxiety attack takes 3 days to clear my system. So I don't want to do the communication about it till it passes lest I trigger again. I want to come to the conversation more calm.

So instead I express in journals, like a "brain dump" knowing full well anything I write is just to dump and it won't make sense and will be all wonky. The goal is just to express and get it out of me in a safe, appropriate way.

A friend of mine folds laundry because it shard to panic doing something so mundane. It is the same reason I clean things -- let's the pent up energies go toward something more productive than churning the brain hamster wheel round and round. YKWIM?

I try to connect with spouse in light ways. Which help remind me he isn't going to bail, I'm not going to bail. We are here long haul. This is a bump in the road, not the end of the journey.

I don't try to tell myself what I should/should not feel. I just accept I feel whatever it is. I try to let it blow on through. Help it blow through by doing behaviors that help me stabilize (calming things) and help reconnect (spend time with DH).

I also remind myself that DH is not ex. Though this was more when it was fresh, and not so much now 20 years later. My ex was the pits and I was still getting to know how "emotionally sturdy" DH was. I did not know and I did not know if he was going to be blame shifty like ex tended to me. I think you are kinda in that phase now with him. Still learning Henry and he's still learning you.

Galagirl
 
Hey Vicki, glad to hear that things are starting to go better. I think you made a wise decision in turning to the forum for help. Folks here are not so close to the situation, and thus can offer a fresh perspective. We're able to see stuff that you may not be able to see at the time. It's one of the best things Polyamory.com offers, and is maybe the core reason for the site's existence.

I just wish you the best, and hope things keep improving for you and Henry.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Hi Vicki,

I agree with GalaGirl, Henry was only joking when he made that comment about thinking about what's-her-name to make himself hard again. It was a bad joke, a stupid joke, and he realized that right away, but it had already sprang from his mouth so it was too late to fix that. But it was, all the same, just a joke.

Your StbxH has been very mean to you, so much so that you expect to see more of his behavior everywhere you turn. It is important to realize that not all people are like your ex. They don't all want to make you feel like you're going crazy. Some of them really do mean well, even when they screw up.

You are looking at Henry, and somewhere in the back of your mind you are seeing your StbxH. Someone who doesn't love you. Someone who (supposedly) thinks you're unattractive. Someone who wants to hurt you. So, when Henry accidentally hurts you, you perceive that as proof that he *wants* you to be hurt. That he secretly despises you. The challenge that lies before you is, can you learn to trust Henry? Can you trust him to not be you ex? Can he be flawed and imperfect and still be trusted? If he says that he likes you, loves you, and finds you attractive, can you believe him in spite of his goof-ups?

Your StbxH has caused you enough damage as it is. Don't let him ruin your relationship with Henry as well. And I know it isn't as simple as that. You can't just wave a magic wand and feel differently. Henry said something that hurt you. You're going to feel hurt. But try in your mind as much as possible to reason with yourself about this, to know on whatever level you can that Henry is a good and honest guy, that he wouldn't pretend to be attracted to you if he wasn't really attracted. Don't see your ex when you look at Henry.

It's the next day, so maybe you've had a chance to emotionally recover. I hope so. Not that I think you could be feeling completely better, but just that I hope you're feeling a little bit better. Regardless, I (like others here too I think) still want to try to help as much as I can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.

I have ruined many a good relationship, and also entered mirrored similar relationships with other men while healing from my ex husband who also treated me very badly. So I understand where you are coming from, not exactly,but I understand anxiety and panic attacks, and even suffered years of PTSD. It is possible to desensitise from these triggers as they happen. And it's possible to let people know before hand that they trigger whatever in you and still appreciate them for who they are.
Right now I am deliberately in a FWB with a man who looks so much like my ex husband it's Freaky. The other day during play session he called me a little girl, and triggered me. We stopped and cuddles, and I cried. Not all man are STBXH, and not all are my ex husband, there are good men out there. And it's ok to rigger. It's ok to freak out internally.

What's not ok is to take out that freak out on someone else in anger or attack, and treat that Person like they are that other person.
Eventually by being constantly triggered you calm the lizard brain and reassociate bad memories with good.

I have been able through repeated intentional exposure to going down on a man to rewrite being abused as a child orally from a man, and actually enjoy oral now. So, it may be you just need some more therapy, and more talking it out, and more processing, and working through the triggers with practice.

What he said was in bad taste, but you can choose to hold it and make him the "bad guy" in your head, or you can choose to view him as the "good man" he seems to be I. Your writings about him, but is also human and makes mistakes. Hugs.

Be kind to yourself while you work through these things, and we are here to give virtual hugs. It's not an easy road out of abuse, but you can recover and feel whole and safe around men again.
 
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