Oh boy. And after feeling off yesterday, this happened and I don't know what to do.
There might be more helpful info in my blog but I'll try to summarize it. I've been dating Henry for a year now and we've been living together for a couple of months. My StbxH walked out on me in December after having a midlife crisis that has nothing to do with poly. He was emotionally abusive to me and I'm dealing with anxiety issues now, while he continues to threaten me during divorce proceedings. Henry and I have a pretty good relationship but my issues definitely have an effect. Not that he doesn't have his own, but I feel like mine have been looming lately. Right now we are visiting his dad's place which is sort of like camping and outside my comfort level. I had an anxiety attack on Sunday before we left because I was worried about coming.
Last night I'm not really sure what happened because I would never have really expected it. We were in bed and had just finished a movie and a snack and we were kind of absently stroking each other but weren't sure it was going anywhere. He played with my breasts and I was touching his cock and balls and thighs. We talked about a bunch of stuff and then my ex John and his sister because we hang out with them sometimes. He mentioned he thought she'd be fun to play with and I said maybe but I never thought that way because they had a Rule you couldn't play with both siblings (not that I was really interested) but that since I was dating John then it was a nonissue. Oh, and she's in three relationships right now and doesnt do casual. and got off topic because I was telling him she had a waterskiing accident. So his cock got soft then and I made a joke about him being distracted and he said yeah, I'll have to think about what's her name to fix that.
He's never been an asshole to me before, and he did try to apologize right away and he keeps coming back to my room today to apologize but I am feeling really hurt plus he poked that big nest of insecurities that stbxH left (when my ex left he told me that I was fat and ugly and unattractive and no one would ever want me) I mean if he wanted to fuck John's sister, he can. But he doesn't need to make me feel like he's not attracted to me to do it. And he said he wasn't feeling like himself yesterday but I generally believe that when people let shit slip out that it's what they really think. So now I don't even really want to have sex with him or anything like that because I'm not going to believe he's attracted to me.
But then the issue becomes that I know I'm fucked up and I have baggage from my relationship with StbxH plus I was already suffering from anxiety and insecurity, so at what point am I just subconsciously punishing him? I don't want to do that either. Because it's fucked that I don't wholly believe him when he says he loves me a million times a day, but that he can just once insinuate he doesn't want me and I instantly believe it.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm overreacting. I'm hurting though.
And I am falling back into my old shit. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat because I'm upset, and if I don't I'll get sick and feel like shit later. And he came and offered to make me something and I turned him down because I'm upset. But I think I'm expecting him to realize that me not wanting to eat anything is a danger sign and why would he? He's never seen this before and I usually play straight with how I am feeling. But I'm not right now.
There might be more helpful info in my blog but I'll try to summarize it. I've been dating Henry for a year now and we've been living together for a couple of months. My StbxH walked out on me in December after having a midlife crisis that has nothing to do with poly. He was emotionally abusive to me and I'm dealing with anxiety issues now, while he continues to threaten me during divorce proceedings. Henry and I have a pretty good relationship but my issues definitely have an effect. Not that he doesn't have his own, but I feel like mine have been looming lately. Right now we are visiting his dad's place which is sort of like camping and outside my comfort level. I had an anxiety attack on Sunday before we left because I was worried about coming.
Last night I'm not really sure what happened because I would never have really expected it. We were in bed and had just finished a movie and a snack and we were kind of absently stroking each other but weren't sure it was going anywhere. He played with my breasts and I was touching his cock and balls and thighs. We talked about a bunch of stuff and then my ex John and his sister because we hang out with them sometimes. He mentioned he thought she'd be fun to play with and I said maybe but I never thought that way because they had a Rule you couldn't play with both siblings (not that I was really interested) but that since I was dating John then it was a nonissue. Oh, and she's in three relationships right now and doesnt do casual. and got off topic because I was telling him she had a waterskiing accident. So his cock got soft then and I made a joke about him being distracted and he said yeah, I'll have to think about what's her name to fix that.
He's never been an asshole to me before, and he did try to apologize right away and he keeps coming back to my room today to apologize but I am feeling really hurt plus he poked that big nest of insecurities that stbxH left (when my ex left he told me that I was fat and ugly and unattractive and no one would ever want me) I mean if he wanted to fuck John's sister, he can. But he doesn't need to make me feel like he's not attracted to me to do it. And he said he wasn't feeling like himself yesterday but I generally believe that when people let shit slip out that it's what they really think. So now I don't even really want to have sex with him or anything like that because I'm not going to believe he's attracted to me.
But then the issue becomes that I know I'm fucked up and I have baggage from my relationship with StbxH plus I was already suffering from anxiety and insecurity, so at what point am I just subconsciously punishing him? I don't want to do that either. Because it's fucked that I don't wholly believe him when he says he loves me a million times a day, but that he can just once insinuate he doesn't want me and I instantly believe it.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if I'm overreacting. I'm hurting though.
And I am falling back into my old shit. I'm hungry but I don't want to eat because I'm upset, and if I don't I'll get sick and feel like shit later. And he came and offered to make me something and I turned him down because I'm upset. But I think I'm expecting him to realize that me not wanting to eat anything is a danger sign and why would he? He's never seen this before and I usually play straight with how I am feeling. But I'm not right now.