Spinoff question from metamour thread

Emmy37

New member
There is a mix in that thread of people who talk about meeting/getting to know/being friends with metamours and those who don't for whatever reasons. One of the posts about relationships not being as deep if the other partners are not willing to at least be in the same place together got me thinking. For those who don't meet metamours do you find this to be true for your relationships? It makes sense in my mind that this would be true but I'm involved in a triad so it could be my personal mindset keeping me from seeing another side to the issue.
 

Inyourendo

New member
Absolutely not true for me. I think if someone doesn't have time outside their primary relationship this could be true. Out of necessity they would need to combine their time together but for me i have two nights for nate and two nights with sam. They are never around each other and imn equally close to both because both are a priority to me.
 

Inyourendo

New member
I remember reading some of your posts where sweet lady was always at your house and that would never fly ith me because I feel like my time with my partner is my time I don't want other people around. I would have been okay with maybe once a week sweet lady come over and everybody hang out and do stuff together but just like constantly never having alone time with my partner would get old fast
 

A2Poly

New member
I find one of my greatest joys in life is introducing people who I think will like each other to each other. My friends all eventually get introduced to the rest of my friends through parties and dinners etc. It's great fun.

So I can't imagine two people in my life that are that important to me not being introduced to each other. And because I expect decent behaviour from everyone in my life I would expect them to be cordial to each other, even if they ended up not being freinds. But 'family' gatherings (holidays, birthdays, etc) everyone would be expected to attend, even if they weren't freinds.
 

Inyourendo

New member
I don't really celebrate holidays. We go to Chicago every year to be with Nate's family for Thanksgiving but other than that we don't really celebrate anything else. I don't do Christmas there's no Christmas tree I don't care about birthdays I will do it cake and ice cream and a present for a child but we don't have big parties or anything like that.
 

KC43

New member
I think I said in that other thread (or somewhere on this forum)...

When I was seeing Guy, he and Hubby were friends by some loose definition. Hubby and I met Guy the same night at a party, and they had a brief discussion about me that led to a mutual respect. They didn't talk to each other often, but if you'd asked either of them, they would have said they were friends. (Obviously the friendship ended when Guy's and my relationship did, because of the nature of *how* it ended...)

I asked Hubby and S2 if they would be willing to meet each other, but made it clear that I don't expect them to be friends, and that if they weren't okay with meeting, I would live with it. For me, that was more of a comfort thing. I wanted each of them to know who the other important guy in my life was, to at least have a mental image of each other and open a line of communication if needed. For example, I have health issues; if I were to be hospitalized, I would want Hubby to let S2 know, which would be weird if they were total strangers up to that point.

They agreed to meet, and seemed to hit it off well, but neither has any interest in befriending the other. They're more comfortable knowing who each other is and seeing that each other is okay with the whole situation, and that was all they wanted. And I'm okay with that; I actually prefer having some distance between them. It makes it easier for me to be with Hubby when I'm with Hubby, and with S2 when I'm with S2; I like being the hinge.

Right now, they're both exclusive with me. If either of them became involved with someone else, either sexually or full relationship, I would want to meet her for the same reason I wanted the guys to meet. But I would definitely NOT want to befriend her, because that would feel awkward as hell to me, and because I am prone to jealousy and so wouldn't want to spend too much time with any metamour. I own my jealousy, but to minimize it and minimize the risk of me saying something inappropriate, I'd rather keep a distance.

Holidays are way too complicated as it is, so I don't foresee any gatherings that would include all of us. Hubby's family is big on Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners and expect us to show up, with or without my kids, for at least one of the two. My mother is mortally offended if we don't show up at her place on Christmas *with* my kids. Alt and Country end up having at least 2 Thanksgivings and 5 Christmases as it is, because their dad's family has huge get-togethers; their stepmother's parents are divorced and each of them expects to see the kids with their dad and stepmom; and then they have Christmas (usually before the actual day) with us with Hubby's family, and we go to my parents' for a few hours on Christmas Day.

So that's more than enough scheduling nightmare. If we threw S2 into the mix, we would have to work around him having Spikes and Beads, and him going to his huge family's dinners. (He's the youngest of 6, and each of his siblings has at least 2 kids...from what he's said, it gets loud, crowded, and you MUST BE THERE if you're part of the family.) For this year at least, given that S2 and I have only been seeing each other since July and his family and Hubby's don't know the situation, holiday get-togethers are out of the question.
 
Last edited:

Emmy37

New member
In our little world it's never just Bud and I. We have four kids together and with that comes a pretty consistent flow of friends and neighborhood children in & out of our house. Sweet Lady works full time with a variable day/night schedule. Bud is a full time college student. I work a job that has variable hours, on-call hours and sometimes up to 24 hours away from home. Last weekend I filled in for two counselors who were on vacation so I could have spent 72 hours away from home if we had a client come into our crisis bed that needed the supervision. So it's actually quite interesting some weeks to find the balance between work, life & time together. I probably should have been more clear about those things in my earlier posts. Just because I might mention that she was here on a given day doesn't necessarily mean it was a full 24 hour day. It could have been coffee together after kids went to school then her & I head to work while Bud watches our toddler and does school work. Same thing when Bud goes to her house. I stay at our house while he is there but he's not there 24 hours at a time.

ETA: Holidays

We're still working out how holidays will work. We will all have family that wants us there. We can't be everywhere at once so I'm perfectly happy to stay home, invite anyone who wants to show up to our house. As far as I'm concerned any friends or family that we are around have only 2 choices when it comes to the relationship with Sweet Lady; accept it or don't. If they choose not to accept something that is a part of me then it's their loss. I won't have her hide away from anyone. I've always been hard-headed when it comes to things like this. I leave only 2 choices. Accept all of me or none of me.
 
Last edited:

Candiedlove

New member
I think it's possible if you are a network style poly, rather than family style. I do beiieve it's much harder. You basically have to split your lives between multiple people.

For myself, our polyship is just not willing to give up that much time with our partners, for someone who DIDN'T want to interact with me or the others. When my partner was with his OSO, I took maybe one evening a month from her (I often went with him to our mutual friends' events, but he would've gone to those whether I came or not.) Yet I had more time with him than I knew what to do with (I would have to turn him down sometimes in order to spend time with all my friends).

It in fact DID help erode their relationship, as she refused to be around me and never came to our social gatherings (which happened about once or twice a week). Oh, and by the way, her and my schedules happened to match PERFECTLY and this still was an issue (she would go to sleep, naturally around 9pm, when I came home from friends, and he would visit me 9pm-midnight, for example).

I really don't care if his FWBs (the only type of outside relationship he's willing to have) never meet me. But he won't let them take time away from me, so they're VERY limited. His only current FWB has seen him exactly twice in a year.

Could she develop deep feelings? It's possible, but I mean c'mon. How often have you seen that happen? (Again, I wouldn't mind, I just can't envision it).
 
Last edited:

Inyourendo

New member
I can see that, when I'm home Nate spends all of his time with me and he only wants to be with other people if I'm gone. But he doesn't really have feelings for anyone else either they're just kind of like extracurricular activities for him. if I didn't work overnights and if I didn't have Sam to go to Nate probably wouldn't have near as much time for other people as he does now. I kind of feel like the women that he fools around with are just accepting scraps from him, if I weren't married to Nate and he was married to someone else there's no way I would be with him lol. there is no way I would be friends with benefits with somebody to have such a little time for me
 

Candiedlove

New member
there is no way I would be friends with benefits with somebody to have such a little time for me

Yeah, I can't believe his FWB puts up with it either. Turns out she was hoping he'd leave me for her...Plus, I think she has lots of FWBs.
 

Candiedlove

New member
yuck, I definitely don't worry about that Nate has it pretty good lol

Neither do I. She gave him one night of mediocre fooling around. I give him basically everything he needs (he just wants more of me, really, just like I want more of what he gives, time, affection, intimacy, financial security etc.).
 

Dagferi

Well-known member
My husbands have very very little to do with each other.

They do not talk outside of kid events or holidays unless there is an emergency with me.

I have never spoken to Butch's gf. I have no reason to. He is happy and their relationship is none of my business. He looks out for my sexual health and that is all I ask for.
 

sparklepop

New member
This is an interesting question, and one I've thought about myself in the past.

I've been in situations where I've wanted to meet metamours, situations where I haven't wanted to, and situations where I've been 'requested' (told) to meet them. The results vary.

I think that meeting a metamour can foster breadth rather than depth. By that, I mean that we may be able to experience *more* aspects of a partner's life, rather than share a deeper connection with them.

For instance, I've been dating a woman called Descartes. She is married to a man. I met him and thought he was brilliant. Having met him, I could (hypothetically) some day be invited to their house. Maybe this would be regular. I could see how Descartes lives behind closed doors, see the domestic side of her, experience the dynamic between her and her husband first-hand, go on trips with them, etc. I'd experience more aspects of her life (outside of our usual going to bars, museums, restaurants, hotels, etc.). I might create more memories and shared experiences with her as a result of this. However, we'd create plenty of meaningful experiences together even if I'd never met her husband.

If I'd never met her husband, I wouldn't be able to immerse myself in those parts of her life, so I wouldn't experience a rainbow of elements of her life.

However, I don't think it's necessary or mandatory to meet (or get along with) metamours in order to have a deep relationship. To me, depth is about intimacy - sharing emotions, supporting one another, etc.

The only time I see this being an issue is if, say, a person wants or needs to blend all their partners into one communal family due to scheduling restraints or whatever else. If a person was barely able to see one of their partners unless that partner was willing to come around to the house and spend time with everyone, I can see that causing depth issues.
 

CosmoMcKinley

New member
In almost every case where one of us has had a girlfriend who didn't want to socialize or even meet the other one of us, they've turned out to be cowgirls. Obviously they didn't present that way up front or we'd have had nothing to do with them in the first place.

We've learned to consider it a rather telling caution sign, but not necessarily a red flag in all cases.
 

Candiedlove

New member
"The only time I see this being an issue is if, say, a person wants or needs to blend all their partners into one communal family due to scheduling restraints or whatever else. If a person was barely able to see one of their partners unless that partner was willing to come around to the house and spend time with everyone, I can see that causing depth issues."

Basically. If I refused to share time with my partner's kids, I'd have very little time with him. If he had a girlfriend who wouldn't spend time with me, him, and kids, they'd be even more restricted.
 

Inyourendo

New member
"The only time I see this being an issue is if, say, a person wants or needs to blend all their partners into one communal family due to scheduling restraints or whatever else. If a person was barely able to see one of their partners unless that partner was willing to come around to the house and spend time with everyone, I can see that causing depth issues."

Basically. If I refused to share time with my partner's kids, I'd have very little time with him. If he had a girlfriend who wouldn't spend time with me, him, and kids, they'd be even more restricted.

A nice reason to not date someone with kids.
 

Candiedlove

New member
A nice reason to not date someone with kids.

I love his kids more than him :) That limits my dating pool, but i don't care. But if you aren't a fan of metamours, that's very good advice.
 

Candiedlove

New member
I definitely dont like other peoples kids lol heck I couldn't even stand sams cats

I can't help but love them. They ask about me constantly. Adore playing with me.
 
Top